11 Year Old Watching a 2-Year Old at a Party

If she wasn't paying them, they weren't responsible for babysitting. It was the parents' job to be the parents. It must suck to be that poor girl who keeps getting pawned off. Where's the dad in all this?

Yea, welcome to my world. My sister doesn't punish her 3.5 year old daughter at all. My niece loves my kids (9, 7, and 5), but drives them bonkers by always being on their heels. My sister asked my 9 and 5 year old to play their game of battleship where my niece couldn't see it and I flat out told her to watch her kid. I don't mince words with people at all...so someone should have told her too darn bad and if she didn't want to watch her kid then she could deal with the mess she was making.

Also, good luck to her when the kid is a little older if she is being taught at 2 that she always gets her way.

It sounds like the two year old is a normal two year old and there isn't anyone around her age. In our family we all entertain the little ones. We enjoy them so everyone would have pitched in gladly. We include them in our games as much as they can be. We were all two at one time or another. What is the mother supposed to do just sit in the other room with the two year old all night?We view them as our gifts and we share them.

Hmmm...while I understand your 11yo's side. I think at a family gathering like that the kids need to find a way to play together. I might have enlisted the 11yo's to try and include the 2yo in some manner. While I certainly don't think its their job to babysit the 2yo, I do think when at a family gathering such as that it wouldn't hurt to try and play with her.

- I mainly may have this view because I was the youngest child on my dads side of the family. All my cousins were a lot older and now as an adult I look back and still appreciate those cousins that took the time to play board games with me or interact with me. Believe me...I had many that wouldn't. Then as I got older and my cousins kids were small...I returned the favor. And now my cousins kids are older and look out for my small children. I think its great!

I would've told the girls to shut and lock the door. Then when the 2 yo kept screaming to be let in and if the mother ignored her, I'd get her and take her to her mother and say, the girls are playing a game and will not be entertaining your daughter. Then, I'd keep taking her back to her mother. I would not have allowed the 2 yo to interfere with my or my daughter's enjoyment of the party.

I'd be calm and matter of fact while telling the mother that the girls and you are not entertaining the 2 yo. I'd repeat as necessary. I'd have this plan in place with your husband before going to the next get together. I'd clue in the rest of the family as to what you expect and will do.

Why talk with your husband's mom? His sister is an adult and needs to know your boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. If she doesn't want to accept them, it's her problem. She can fuss and fume and leave the party angry but that is not your responsibility.

If this is happening in his mom's house then talking with her at the time might be helpful but after the fact will most likely just causes hard feelings. Maybe that's why he won't talk with her.

I suggest that it would be appropriate for your husband to talk with his sister about what happened using I statements and telling her that if this were to happen at the next get together he will be insisting that she take care of her own child.

Or, if the mom would understand and have influence over the sister talking with her might help for next time. But again, he must use I statements and be calm and not accusatory.

However, if you only get together one or two times per year, I'd let it go for now but have a plan in place shortly before the next get together.

I would highly suggest letting your SIL read these posts!

I have been in her situation. My oldest son was the youngest of the cousins. I had to often "leave" parties and go play/supervise him with the other kiddos. Husband would switch off when he was around, and even the grandparents would chip in. I have also paid a friend's 11-yr old to watch the kids at certain parties. It sucks, but that is part of the responsibility of being a parent.

Next time I suggest reiterating to your SIL that your daughter is not a babysitter, unless she is paid $10/hr. And then I would let daughter and cousin lock themselves in a room to play so that the 2-yr old couldn't bother them! If that isn't an option, then I would continue to bring the 2-yr old to her mother until it became embarrassingly obvious that she was not accepting responsibility for her kid.

And no need to say anything until the next party and the issue presents itself. Good luck!

Wow, I think the girls did their part, by playing with the 2 year old for a while, so then they deserve some time to play together.

It is not their responsibility to babysit this woman's child the entire time.

She is presumptuous to think others are responsible for taking care of HER child. This is a good time to teach the 2 year old, yes, you get to play for a while with the big kids, now lets let them have some time and you come and help me in the kitchen, come and show me a book, lets go outside and see what dad and the uncles are up to.

We also always had a ton of cousins all ages, but even then, we played in age groups.. The moms and dads took care of the little ones, some of the time by keeping them entertained also..

I do not understand why people have children, but do not take responsibility for them and get put out that others do not want to care for their children when the parent does not even want to deal with their own child.

I'm not sure what anyone could have said, some people are just clueless. It's pretty rude to expect a child to watch your child just because you don't want to deal with it.

I would have entertained the 2 ,year old myself as she obviously is craving interaction and attention. I am sure there were other adults that you could have enlisted to help you play with the child to both give the gift to the older kids of play and not start ww3 about parenting skills.

The problem is the setting, it was a party and the little one didn't want to be excluded. I have a huge age range in my kids, not only that at family gatherings there is a huge age range also. The fact of the matter is that the older ones do end up entertaining the younger ones. It's dang near impossible to keep the little ones away from the older ones, sure we could deal with the meltdowns and tantrums, but that isn't going to stop the little ones from wanting to get to the older ones.

Parties in our house/family means everyone is responsible for the little ones, of course sometimes there can be as many as 5-6 under the age of 3 and twice as many over that age. I could never imagine our older ones getting upset because the little ones want to interact with them. Ours are very good about doing things that can include the little ones, but that's how they were raised and now as some of the older ones are having kids of their own they can see where we as parents were coming from. A party with children takes a village to entertain, there were other adults there, they should have all been stepping up to help.

I would have stood up for the step daughter like you did. The mom was out of line. The older kids deserved some time playing by themselves.

The only thing I would have done differently was had the older kids come to the same room I was in and help them keep the little girl in boundaries. You know what I mean, if they were sitting by you playing a board game and the little one was getting on their nerves you could have reinforced what they were telling her. She wasn't listening to them as an authority figure but as a playmate. So she didn't feel she had to "mind" them. She was playing with her playmates.

If they were where you could be within hearing you could have also helped teach them to be more compassionate to the little one, she has very little attention from mom and might really have needed this attention from someone.

The other option I might have done was have the older kids go sit by the mom, if she moved they follow. As long as they had to have the little one with them they sat by mom so she could help watch her own child.

It is extremely hard in a social setting to deal with a child that wants to do one thing and they can't. She wanted to play with the kids, that's what kids do. She should have been able to play with the kids all the time. Unfortunately she didn't have any kids to play with other that the older kids. That's not fun and it's even less fun when they get to go play and you can't go too. She had every right to be upset but she also could have been distracted a bit better by mom.

I can see how this was annoying to the older kids to have to keep the 2yr old out of trouble and entertained. However, it was not the SD's responsibility. The 2 yr old will naturally gravitate towards the group of kids, but it was the toddler's mother's responsibility to entertain and watch her kid. Every 2yr old has tantrums and meltdowns - deal with it. Did the mom not bring any toys to keep teh 2 yr old somewhat occupied? Were there other smaller kids there? I'm sure the mom wanted/needed a break, but as mothers, we don't really get breaks...do we? Not even at a party! Hubby doesn't care because he's not involved in the child watching. Might want to encourage SD to speak up, otherwise she will get stuck with this kid all the time.

I think SIL was wrong to not watch her kid - no matter the age of the rest of the people at the party. My DD is significantly younger than her siblings and I never assumed that they would keep an eye on her. I asked them when I needed them to, and tried to keep in mind what they wanted to do, too. If SIL is going to make 11 yr olds responsible for her child, she should pay them to babysit. This was a party and they just happened to be there, correct? Family gathering or not, it's not the 11 yr old's job to entertain the toddler. She did her part by playing with her for a while and that should have been enough.

If it were my house, and my 11 yr old, I would have told SIL, "I'm sorry that [small child's name] is not happy about not playing with the older kids, but their board game is not appropriate for her. She cannot go up there right now." And I would keep bringing the child back to the mother vs watching her all night. I entertained my 3 yr old great-niece, but I was ALSO watching my 4 yr old daughter and wanted to do so. It wasn't that her parents were trying to pawn her off. If SIL got annoyed with having her kid with her, then that's too bad. As for her "you deal with her screaming" comment, I would have said, "No, you brought her, you deal with it. My daughter is not your babysitter and deserves some time to play with her cousins. Please respect her time and everyone else at this party by taking care of your own child."

Recognizing your child's social limitations is part of parenting. You leave or you get a sitter.

Since its your hubby's sister, he should have further addressed the situation. If he failed to do so, as the 11 yr olds mother it was then your responsibility.

Your hubby should have asked his sister what she would do if the tweens were not there to help her. One of you should have said "Hey sis, I know Lizzy loves being with Suzy and Suzy loves it too but Suzy is almost a teen now and wants some time with the older cousins too. Suzy isn't going to watch/entertain Lizzy all night."

I would have told your SIL, that it is HER kid, not the 11 & 12 year olds. Unless she pays them to wacth her, and they agree (mind you, you call and ask if a sitter can/ will watch your kids) Fit pitching or not, they should have been allowed to play by themselves.

You were very nice to watch her for a while. My kids are my responsibilitiy not anyone elses.. it is nice when somone takes them for a while, but really they are my kids and I am ultimatly responsible.

She is creating a monster, she crys/pitches a fit and gets her way? Really? wow, is she going to be in for it later.

My 18 month pitches a fit, but I tell her to deal and redirect her attn. I try to let my 4 year old do things with out his sister always getting in his business.

Good luck.

I'm impressed your husband confronted his sister and disappointed in your SIL's response. This says "not wimp" to me. Also, it's better that your husband was trying to be direct with his sister instead of going through his mom, who is unlikely to have any more success.

But you are essentially correct. The SIL (and her husband) should have occupied the 2yo for a while to allow the older kids some time to play on their own. Nothing you can do when they won't take responsibility for their own kids.

When my son was 2 yrs old, in a party situation he wanted me to hold him or stay on my lap the whole time.
He would have watched the other kids but if I ever put him down so he could go play, he'd want to be picked right back up again.
If my toddler was in a party situation who was screaming or having a tantrum, I would have excused myself and go sit with him in a bedroom or in the car so he could calm down and take a nap - which is time consuming but my child takes precedence over socializing - and why should the whole family have to listen to a tantrum - that doesn't endear him or me to the family.
If Mom gets tired of her 2 yr old (two and three are such difficult ages - I get that she needs a break sometimes) - then she should hire a babysitter and take breaks - see a movie, go to lunch/dinner with girlfriends, take a yoga class, etc - and then be recharged and ready to be a better Mom afterward.
Granted that's not always possible to find a sitter on a holiday.
Also - what was the 2 yr olds Dad doing all this time?
It's his child too and not all the blame belongs on the Mom for this.
He could also have taken his child aside for a nap and dealt with the tantrum.

this is over, so...next time you upfront (since husband is a wimp), you upfront tell the mother that the eleven year old isn't a babysitter, that she has a condition that requires her to only play with two year olds for a little while and then she must be with other same age cousins, or friends or whoever.

On second thought don't invite the mother over.

I doubt making a thing out of it now is a good idea but next time you have family over and the little girl comes you should make some rules. If the big girls are upstairs and the little girl wants to join them politely and firmly tell her mother that you are sorry but the upstairs area is for the bigger children only. Explain that the area is not toddler proofed. If she gets angry tell her she is welcome to stay up there and play with her daughter. If she ignores you then I would gently carry the girl downstairs and talk to your husband (who should be ready to back you up). Normally, I myself, would try to be accommodating, but it sounds like your SIL needs to spend a little more time with her child when she goes out...everyone has bad days, though, so I would let this past offense slide.

I watch kids for a living, and I have a 13 yr old and an 10 yr old. If this had happened to them I would have told them to take the game to a room with a lock and lock the door behind them.
The mom could try to pitch a fit and then I would say, no, those cousins have the right to play as older kids and it's not their job to entertain the younger cousin.
I am sure that 2 yr old's mom would have gotten pissed at me, but that's normal in my family, lol.