Ok ladies..my son is almost 15 months and he has a bad influence in his life. This other influence is close to his age and we see them about 2-3 times a month. It is NOT possible to avoid or stop seeing them and over the holidays will see them more frequently. After spending time with this family my son will act similar to the other child, throwing tantrums, having meltdowns, screaming and yelling at us, throwing things, and even sometimes trying to hit us. This will last for only a few days and some of the behaviors (screaming) have stuck around. Our families parenting style is very different from this other family and I can't really talk to the other mom about this without causing some major and permanent hurt feelings (I've already tried that, and it went horrible!!) Right now they way I've been handleing it when it's directed at me, is I say in a VERY calm voice "no no no no (shaking my head), don't yell (scream, throw things, hit) at Mama, that hurts me." He usually act remorsful and wants a hug and kiss and is better for a little while again. After a few days of this (sometimes it's just one) he will be better and do these things far less frequently if not at all. If it's not directed at me, I will just ignore the behavior and wait for him to calm down and then say something like "now that you are calm we can do..." I have occationally given him time outs ( 30-60sec) for some of his behavior like when he picked up biteing me, and those were effective but I don't want to over use that consequence.
So my question...am I handleing this right? Is there a better way to handle this so we don't have to go through a couple of days of this? Is there something I can do when we're spending time with this family that will prevent my son from thinking this is a good thing to try out for himself?
Thank you in advance for all you great advice!!
I think at 15 months you could try to limit their time together, have him nap at a different time, play in a different room, sit far away from each other at the dinner table. Act like the other kid has a bad cold! If you are questioned by family members just say diplomatically "they seem to get into trouble when they play together and I'm really working hard on teaching him appropriate behavior now while he's young and learns so fast."
I think you're handling things well. Your son is young, but he will learn that just because other kids do things, it doesn't mean he can do them to. This is something they all have to learn sooner or later and it sounds like your little one is going to learn sooner. It's a pain for you and it will take your son a while to understand the concept of monkey see monkey do can get him into trouble, but he will get it figured out.
I don't know that you can "over-use" time outs for something like biting you. That is something that you need to be very consistant about so that he knows if he bites, it's time out. No discussion. As he gets older, the time outs can be made a little longer.
He will be around all kinds of kids. When you see other children behaving in a restaurant for instance, you can say, "Look how nicely those children are sitting and behaving and being quiet." Praise your son for good behavior too.
When my kids were little and they saw kids acting like animals, they would say...."Ooooh, if I did that I'd be in so much trouble."
They really do get things figured out.
You can try to limit contact with this other child as much as possible, but it's also a learning opportunity for your son.
My nephew could be quite a little pain and often tried to enlist my son in different shenanigans. Even though he was quite a bit younger, my son knew if x, y, or z would get him in trouble and he wouldn't do it. So one of them would be in trouble and the other one wouldn't.
Your son will be fine and the older he gets, the easier it will be for you to verbalize what types of behaviors are not okay for him to mimmick and the consequences there will be if he does.
You're on the right track.
Best wishes!
Best thing is to pick him up and walk out of the room when the other child is misbehaving. Sit him down and say, we DON'T act like little Johnny (or we don't throw things, hit, punch, scream)...ok! Tell him you love him and wait for the other child to calm down before going back into the room with him. This other parent might be offended, but they need to get over it. You are the one who is responsible for what you're child is exposed to. Think of it this way. What if they wanted to show an R rated movie in the room with your child. Would you keep your kid in there, or risk offending them by removing your child from that situation?
As far as diffusing the picked up bad behavior, it sounds like you're handling it fairly well. I usually have a firmer response to bad behavior in my parenting style, but as long as you're consistent it should not be a problem.
Best wishes, and don't be afraid to avoid hanging out with this family. Even when they're your family. You have to do what's right for your kid. I know people who refused to keep away from a family member who was a pedophile because they didn't want to offend them, and allowed that sick person access to their children. Obviously you wouldn't do that, but just remember that it doesn't matter what other people think about how you raise your kids (what you expose them to, etc), it just matters on what YOU DO.
Best wishes!
Kids learn by example more than by words, and they don't learn in a vacuum. If your son is affected by a bad example, which is entirely possible, then just ignoring his imitations won't be nearly as effective as teaching him what you DO want from him. So treat him the way you want him to behave, use lots of smiles and hugs, when he tried to hit, gently restrain his hands and give a positive comment like "Gentle, please."
Then, keeping in mind that a child under two or three has a very short attention span, direct him toward a happy activity, sing a song, teach him how to change gears from negative to positive.
Telling him he hurt you is fine in extreme moderation, but has the effect in the long run of "guilting" children into behaving, so it is manipulative. There's also the possibility that some day he'll be really mad and WANT to hurt you, and he'll know how to push your buttons. It's better to say something more neutral, like "Hitting hurts, let's use a SOFT touch," and use his hand to stroke you (or pet, or other child).
There are some fine resources to coach your parenting efforts into a creative and positive direction. I've had amazing success with How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. As your child develops an ability to listen, and eventually talk, the wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for often. It's my all-time favorite with my nearly-5yo grandson. The techniques and ideas are mutually respectful, and they really work, with no emotional backlash.
Check out books and videos about the approach used by Dr. Harvey Karp; The Happiest Toddler on the Block. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He will demonstrate in this (and several related video clips) exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language, gets on their wavelength, so they know he's on their team. This makes them happy to be on his team.
he absolutely can be influenced in other children (i say 6 months and up can be) he see's this other child getting away with it and decides he's going to try as well. i would be more harsh with him when he see's this influence, and explain on his level that just because that other kids acts that way doesn't mean he can.
my daughter used to tell me, but that kid is....then i would tell her i'm not that kids mom i'm yours and you are not going to do that without consequences with me....needless to say, i'm very proud of my daughter. she's flat out told a kid my mom wont let me play like that, if your mom does, let me know when you're ready to play right and we'll play....WOW!
What would you do if these children were 15yrs old not 1.5 yrs old? And act in a simmilar manner. There were two little girls who when my son was around them acted differently and when they were around each other I informed the other little girl of what she was doing causing my son to act iin the way he was and that if she stopped doing "x" my son would play with her. I had to remind her each time but it worked better after a while. Remember, just like this child is an infulence on your son (and everyone else), you are an influence on this child as well as your son and everyone else you meet.
Wow, everyone gave really great advice.
When I've been in this situation I've implemented 'house rules'. That way, if the other mom isn't helping or maybe doesn't think the behavior is a big deal, or is just plain sick of trying to correct it (been there), you can say 'no (hitting, throwing, yelling, etc), house rules'. This only works at your house, but at least all kids will learn that this behavior is not allowed in your home and they will respect that.
Glad I read this. I think I've been a little lax with my kids since the 2nd came along, and it made me remember how I felt when I had just one. It gets tiring sometimes to correct them, but if it's not done now how will they be when the get older? Good luck and best wishes.
I think you're doing the right thing. This is tricky for sure, I feel for you! Ultimately, your child is going to have to go through situations like this for the rest of his life when you have rules or expectations that others may not have, that's life! So, it's good you have a clear set of expectations now and I think you're doing the only thing you can do with a 15 month old! He doesn't really know how to reason or understand the complexities of the situation so just continue to be consistent. I do agree that if you are directly interacting with the other child during a play time or something, it might be okay to say oh we don't hit, we share, or whatever...but I understand about stepping on toes too. It's not fun to be in your shoes, but it seems like you're handling it! Good luck!
Let's face it - - the other kid is probably a hellion, and everyone else in your family knows it. Just try to limit your time and exposure. If you tried to clue mama in, and she didn't get it, that's all you can do. Do you notice other family having problems with this kid / family?
At this age, it is much harder to prevent your child from picking these things up. You may tell him that while X is allowed to do whatever, we don't do that in our family. Make sure that he is not getting ANYTHING out of this new behaviour - attention, etc. And stick to your guns, even during the exposure, it will stop it sooner, and hopefully won't flow so long into your normal life. As for timeouts, I use them for hitting/kicking (and would for biting if my son did that). I don't use it for whining or crying. As long as you aren't using it for every little thing and are consistent, I think you won't overuse it.
Good luck!
It is possible. Monkey see, monkey do, but it could very well be typical age behavior too. Limit your time with the other child if you feel that this is negative for you and your son. All the best!
