16 Year Old Daughter Issues

Hi K.,

I sympathise with your situation. For us, it happened during my daughter's 15th year. I came up with a theory. I have no idea how valid it is; but it makes me feel better anyway! I believe kids (especially teenage girls) have a true struggle to find who they are and where they belong today. It's a lot different than when we were growing up. So a lot more "testing", pushing the limits kinds of things go on. I think they're meanest to us because they know that no matter how awful, and sometimes downright hateful, they act, they KNOW that we will still love them. So they save the "good stuff" for us. My daughter had a terrible 15th year. Finding the right group of friends is a major issue in their lives. Peer pressure is just unbelievable. My daughter told me that kids go on dates and actually think of giving the guy "oral satisfaction", just like they think of a good night kiss! No wonder my daughter doesn't date. She had a long term boyfriend (her only boyfriend, or date for that matter) and he dumped her. The pain for her was nearly unbearable, and I cried for her as much as she did for herself. Kids know that we as moms feel their pain. Sometimes it just overflows for reasons we can't even imagine, and it spills over to the one person your daughter knows can handle it and still love her--YOU! so hang in there K.. She will become human again soon. And before you know it, you'll be crying because she's leaving the nest. It's so unfair if you think about it: we have to endure the worst of times with our kids, yet when they become pleasant to be around, they leave!

You are not alone!

V.

I think the therapy is a good idea. Sometimes therapy gets worse before it gets better.My teen is the same..it drove me crazy but I also realized this is very age appropriate for that age.I stopped trying so hard to get him to talk with me and would just joke with him about things he was interested in.He would crack a smile and then eventually talk with me.This took over six months to see a change. I tried really hard not to press him to talk to me.Sometimes I would get one answer and the next time a whole conversation.It will get better for you too.Take time for yourself and find something new and creative that you enjoy.When they see you have new interests..they become curious. I am a married mother of three boys ages 18 16 10

Just about a 1/2 hour ago I heard this author Dr. Chap Clark of a new book "Hurt" on a radio program. They were talking about teens, and they did talk about just what you're going through with your 16 year old.

http://www.parable.com/HomeWord/item_9780801027321.htm

Kids these days are way into their friends, and can 'play the game' when it comes to being involved with the family. But the truth is, they still want a relationship with their parents. I have a 13 year old myself, and I see the devotion she has for her friends, and she straight out tells me when she doesn't want to tell me something. Or she'll say something like "You're my mom. Why would I tell you that." But I keep on asking. I take her to lunch once a week. Sometimes she talks to be about silly things about her friends. But I feel if I keep doing this, that one day she'll feel comfortable and open up, especially if there's something serious going on.

I personally never wanted to talk to my parents as a teen either. Even as an adult I find myself at the dinner table with them trying to figure out what I can talk about. My fear is that they are always critical. So I rack my brain for "safe" things to talk about. So if you are critical, or often put a negative spin on anything they say, they'll close up. For example if I told my dad I wanted to be a photographer, he might say something like "Oh that's a hard career to get into. It would be really difficult for you to make a living."

Dear K.,

Mooooooom !, go for counseling and advice for your own good, and you will feel more in touch with what you need to do. Please do not go to work, that could be disastrous. No kidding, hang in there and get counseling it will be an eye opener for you. I wish that I had done that. Sincerely, C. NJ.

do you have any similar interest or does she have an interest that you could share? even if its just watching tv show or shopping.. make her hang out with you for two hours a week? make her do some volenteer work..it doesn't have to be with you..just sometimes it changes you when you work with people less fortunate or that dont have mothers...do you have control over anything she loves like a car, or alowance? you could use that as leverage?..sometimes teenagers need to be inspired to be part of their family, even if its coming together to work for another siblings interest or moms new charity..even if she doesn't that kind of stff can inspire kids down the road...i'm always telling me son, he's 14, you gotta have interests, something you love...even if i dont always like what it is..
good luck..teenagers are a strange breed..

This is pretty much normal at this age. First I would check out her friends and see what kind of kids they are and how they treat thier parents. Then i would lay down some rule and stick to them, then just be there for her . I know it's hard and it is very hurtful, But you are the Mom and you need to be there for her.
I was really bad with my Mom, and she laid down the rules, stuck to them, but was always there for me. I now consider her my best friend. And believe me i put my Mom through hell.
Hang in ther this too shall pass.But be watchful of those she hangs around with, this is ususally the biggest problem.
I will be praying for you

The only advice I can give you, was what happened to me when I was growing up. I HATED my family! I wanted nothing to do with them, and as far as I was concerned, all of the things that I wasn't allowed to do (for my own good) was my parents just being mean and "picking" on me. What snapped me out of it? A two week long road trip in our motor home (sounds like the movie RV) secluded to being around nobody by my parents and little brother. We took a trip to Texas to see my grandparents for a few days. The whole way there, I wore headphones and listened to music and refused to talk to anyone. On the way back, I actually interacted with them, and snapped out of whatever funk that I had been in. It was wonderful. If all else fails, take a trip.

Hate to say it, but a lot of this is pretty normal stuff. It sounds to me like she is trying to create some distance, probably because she feels that you control her (not that you do, teenagers just see it that way).

Believe it or not, her 'blaming' you may be a compliment. It may mean that she is so comfortable with you and so secure in your love that she feels she can push you away without you leaving. Or, it may be that she really is upset with you about something, but doesn't feel she can talk to you about it. I would suggest making an appointment to join her in counseling to help work through any issues she may be having. Don't be surprised if the first few sessions she refuses to talk... just keep at it.

Please don't try to add to the distance. Don't push her, but let her know that you still love her and will be there for her when she decides to talk to you. A lot of my students go through this with their parents, and those that come out fine are those with the parents that set ground rules, and then gave them space within those boundaries. The kids will test and test and test it, but if you're consistent yet loving, they always come around.

It may be years (remember they are like mutating monsters during the teenage years), but once they get through it, it'll be worth the trouble.

It sounds like she is a normal teenager. I have not had the sheer thrill of suriving in the same house with a teenage daughter yet, but I will in a few years. My soon is 13 and is going through metamorphysis as we speak, and my daughter is 11 is only showing slight signs. I can't begin to express how excited I am.

This is the second time in my life that I will have to suffer through this heart renching (knife in my chest) transformation. This time I am taking preventative measures. It will have to involve money because that is what teens feed on. I will be opening up a family eBay store that they can stock and I can supervise. Hopefully this will prevent their urge to nickle and dime me to death.

It is simply a matter of trying to find ways to peek their interest. If all else fails, I will move out and return when they are 25.

My older kids are 28 and 30, both boys. We all lived through it.

Good Luck!

D.