My son and his father have a very stormy relationship. HIs father and I have been married for 18 years. My husband is the strong silent type but has always been a good father. This child has never wanted for anything. When he entered HIgh school his grades started slipping. As my husband got more strict because of the poor grades, my son rebelled more. We recently caught him sneaking out of the house at night and going to a friends house. There were arguments and we told him he could not go there anymore. My son has always had a problem with authority figures but basically is a good kid making poor choices. We caught him sneaking out again last week and all he would say is he didn't want to live with us anymore. My husband told him to pack his clothes and leave then. After much yelling and many tears, my son did just that. He is now living with his friend's family. I know he is safe and he is close. I know I could go get him, or have the police do it, but realistically what would that do? I can't make him stay. Eventually he may go somewhere that I don't know where he is. To complicate matters, my husband does not want him home. My husband says my son made his choice and now he has to live with it. I am trying to let things cool down right now. If the time comes that my son is ready to return home, my husband will probably leave when I let my son back in the house. Any thoughts? Also I don't know the legal ramifications towards us as far as him moving out at 16. The situation does not seem to be getting any better.
Is the family willing to keep him? Maybe you could offer them a little money to let him stay there, to cover the cost of his food.
I don't think there is anything wrong with a teen living with another family, when it suits all involved.
I get that it is summer now, and maybe not a big deal if he is not home, but what about when school starts again in the fall? Who will ensure that he goes every day, studies and does his homework? Or is he planning on dropping out. The what?
What about support - do you expect his friend's family to foot the bill for another teen? Have you even talked to the friend's parents to find out what their expectations are - how long can your son stay with them, do they expect "child" support?
You family needs help.
Family counseling. Individual counseling for your son, and for you. This is not a problem that developed overnight and will not be solved overnight. Unfortunately, you have all been ignoring the problem for some time and it has now blown up in your face.
When his grades starting slipping when he began high school what type of intervention did you and your husband do? Do you know if he is doing drugs, has a girlfriend (or a boyfriend), what was he doing when he slipped out at night? All of these things should be addressed - the answers may help you understand the basis for the rebellion.
When a child says he doesn't want to live with his parents anymore, they usually do not mean it. It is usually said out of anger and a pressing need for resolution to other issues.
I am sorry if I sound harsh - I have worked in youth development and have an almost 15 year old son. I have seen too many basically good, but confused, teens thrown out by parents, only to struggle to maturity on their own. I would stop at nothing to protect and support my own son. I have had his friends stay with me when their own parents were flaking out and literally disappeared for a few days. I expect one of them to wind up living with me before the boys get out of high school, if not then, definitely after his parents put him out at 18 b'c that is how they roll.
You need to step up, find out what is at the root of your son's rebellion, and begin building a better relationship before he is lost to you forever.
Good Luck
God Bless
This is a terrible situation that I have no business giving advice for, for I have never had to deal with anything like this....but my only thought was to open up the lines of communication with the mom/family that has him now---like quick!!??
I wish you the very best and am sending big hugs your way!
I would leave your son where he is for right now. I wouldn't try to force him to come back. What I would do is to insist that your husband go to counseling with your son starting now! Your son did not really want to leave, but his budding masculinity did not allow him to back down. Your husband needs to be the one to back down enough to let the boy back into the family, then regain the position of parent. Counseling...counseling...
How well do you know the parents he is now living with? Can you ask them to meet you for coffee and figure out where they are in this? Strategize some?
It is basic human male behavior for dad and son to butt heads at this age. It's happened for generations. Problem is, our society is not set up to offer options for 16 year-olds. They used to run off and join the army, or get a job at the local manufacturing plant. Now, they NEED to finish high school and more to have a chance at a decent life.
When my stepson was 16, we had a friend of his come live with us for about 5 months. This boy's parents were ready to toss him out of their home, when we offered to have him live with us. His grades were in trouble, and he was doing drugs. It did not "fix" things for him to live with us, but it gave them some breathing space to work through their issues. They did go to counseling. The boy moved back home and eventually finished high school and went into the Marines.
What I learned from this, and from watching the interactions between my stepson and his dad, is that this is mostly between dad and son. Mom needs to be supportive but direct from the sidelines here. Also, that "leaving the nest" is not always a happy and planned exit. My husband did eventually tell his son he needed to leave our house, when he was 19. He moved in with a friend's family then, too.
honestly this is going to sound terrible but my son and my husband were arguing like this a few years ago and my husband said the same thing to my son. The first thing out of my mouth was - You will go before him- and I believe that before I would let my teenage son take off out into the world I would make my husband leave, there has never been a choice for me it is my kids over everyone. I know this isnt much help but maybe it would be better for your husband to stay away and your son come home to heal.
I have to say, I really feel for you. And I really feel for your son, too.
Both my sister and I threatened to leave at different times during our growing up. I did when I was 14 and life with my stepfather was terrible. My mother made my stepfather agree to get off my back, and asked me to please stay. So I did. Deep down, I'd been frightened at the prospect of leaving, but didn't see any other way to stay. This last-ditch plea for help worked. Kids don't leave because they think it's fun, it's because something has become so intolerable the comforts of home feel null and void and have to go. I would have likely committed suicide if I hadn't asserted myself in that way at that time; I was desperate for the home dynamic to change.
Fast forward four years and it was my sister's turn. My mother had since divorced and picked another winner. But it was my mother, this time, who told my sister 'fine, go'. This didn't end up well. My sister gave up hope-- her own mother didn't want her. My mom chose her boyfriend over her family. I'll admit, my sister's acting out behaviors had driven everyone to the limit, however, she was still a kid. This led to a lot of decisions that have cost my sister a lot. Part of it was that she was trying to burn her bridges first, to end the feelings of rejection from both our mother and her father, and part of it was that she was limited in the people who would care for her, and had to turn to less-than-savory people for any sort of support. I feel terrible that this happened, but being a young person on my own at the time, I wasn't in a position to help. She, at that point too, didn't want help from me.
Please get your entire family into counseling, and individual counseling and support would also be helpful. I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. No wife would want to pick between her partner and her child. That said, we have to remember that kids don't really mature until they are 21. Your son has a more years when he will need your support and guidance, to be able to become a healthy adult. Your husband has made his choices as a grown, older man, something your son is not.
Best wishes.
S. that sounds terrible! It seems like your son & his father have a lot to work on. It also seems like there are other issues with your son. I know you love him but are you sure you are not just being a softy? Is that all he is doing, sneaking out nor drugs/ drinking? Are you sure? why would he sneak out? to go do what?
I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk about your son with out him there, make some decisions about what you want to do and then go forth from there. I don't understand why you are not making a bigger deal about your husband moving out if your son moves back in?
I'm sorry S., I know there is 16 years of information which accumulated to make this moment happen.
It sucks worse than ANYTHING when a parent is asked to choose between a child and the child's other parent, but here you have been asked to do so, and you have not chosen your own child.
He will resent you for the rest of his life for standing by and letting his father ruin his life. And he'll be RIGHT in those feelings.
You need to go get your child and finish up (best you can) mothering him, you need to choose HIM. You need to break the cycle. If you don't, in a few years your daughter in law will be posting about how mean and controlling her husband is to her kids.
So, yeah, another vote for get the kid back, to hell with his father (for now).
:(
I think you all need family counseling.
Get some.
If your husband won't go - go without him.
There is more to the story -- you need to fix the relationships before he moves back home.
LBC
Sorry for your husband, but you two together chose to have a child & parent him to adulthood. 16 is NOT adulthood. I think you should see a family counselor together. Treat your 16 year old like a child, and offer some sort of reward if he will agree to go. Hell, I don't care, offer him a new car.
Not to say he doesn't have to live by you and your husband's rules, but by stooping to a teenager's maturity & allowing the conflict to get to the point he was told to move out, and he DID, you guys as parents have a LOT of catching up to do. You immediately put yourself from the parent roll to a peer roll when you allowed him to decide the result of his rebellion. Surely your husband wisn't going to give up an 18 year marriage to be stubborn with his 16 year old son?!?!??! If so, counseling sounds like a beneficial idea, regardless of the end result.
let him stay out and cut his money off. If he wants to be an adult then he can act like one and support himself which requires getting a job. life is the best teacher.its hard and hard to watch them go through it but life also happens. It won't last long and he will want to come home and when he does he has to discuss it with his dad before you say yes. Let dad decide that. My ss moved out at 17 it lasted 6 months and then he realized he had to suck up to mom cause the fun was over, the money was gone and he wasn't ready to be responsible. Hang in there. Dad does know what he is doing and trust dad on this one. Dad is using tough love and your son will hate it. trust me on this. But he will respect his dad later in life. Good luck and I know its hard but you have to let it happen. hang in there.
You are in a tough spot. I understand trying to enforce rules and standing your ground but as a 16 yr old, you and your husband are still responsible for him. Also, as his parents, your primary job is to take care of your child. I would talk to the friend's parents and see if he can stay there briefly.
In the mean time, talk to your hubby and explain that you have to allow him back in the home at least until he is 18 as he is still a minor child. Then talk with your son and find out what the real problem is. And come to understanding that works for all involved.
Raising a teen ager can be hard work! If you haven't already please contact the parents where your son is staying. It would be good to let them know your side of the story as well. As well as making sure that they want him to continue staying there. Once your husband has calmed down, talk to him. Remind him that HIS son is only 16 and you two are still the parents. Both you and your husband need to talk to your son together. He needs to know that his father does love him and that words were spoken out of anger.
Find out what is going on with your son. Let him know that you are there for him. However, if he is going to remain in your home he must follow your rules. Allow him to tell you his likes and dislikes. Sometimes we as parents find it hard to listen to our teenagers because we really feel like we know what's best. And that may be true but it doesn't hurt to listen to what he has to say. I am not saying you should give in to his every want. But at least show him that you are willing to listen and make your decisions from there.
What are his reasons for sneaking out? Is his curfew too early? If he feels as though his curfew is too early, has he come to you and asked for more time to be out. Have you all discussed anything that could remedy this situation? Communication is a must.
Be blessed!!
Call an attorney, I think if your son wants to be emancipated or ask the courts to appoint someone else their guardian they can do that at even a bit younger.
How hard for you to be in the middle.
