17 Month Old Clinging to Daddy, Cold to Mommy

Hi T.-
I have a 26-month-old girl who has her moments of preferring Daddy, but not to any extreme. I sit back and try to enjoy the fact that she loves him and he is a participating Dad. I would guess it is a phase as well as what the other people said: Daddy is the plaything, the cold shoulder when with the grandparents.
I am a teacher and have worked with children for years as a ski instructor and teacher so I've observed many relationships between children and parents. In my own experience, too, I see that children react to very subtle reactions/behaviors/care-giving techniques that we each use. For example, my daughter prefers Daddy to change her diaper (YAY!) and I think it's because I have more of a reaction/facial expression that is negative. I try not to, but the smell can make me gag and I take steps to not smell it. So, she prefers Daddy. I did not do that on purpose and I DO try to not overreact.
So, my advice is be patient, it will probably pass. But also, observe ways that Daddy and grandparents connect. Maybe they give your child more independence to explore or wash his own face or help with chores. Compare your reaction to theirs ... falling, feeding, reading, changing diapers. I think we, as Mommies, are so in charge of the dressing, the feeding, the washing of the face, etc. and some of those things annoy them. Our reactions may feel more restrictive. So they react and want someone else when they are around. I agree with the other advice, to have Dad do more of the mundane chores.
Good luck T.. Just one phase on his road to full independence!! Hope this helps. A.

If I shared all my thoughts with you, it would take hours. First off try not to let it get to you. It's easier said than done because our maternal instincts want us to be everything to our children. Be careful that you don't start showing resentment and begin being stand-offish. My first born was a mommy's boy and reacted to his daddy the way your son reacts to you. My husband was hurt and distanced himself. This was not good because to this day the two of them have a hard time communicating and my son is now 21 years old. Being as you are home with him all the time he may see you as the caretaker. I'm assuming Dad is away at work all day and I'd guess that when he gets home he plays with your son. That makes daddy the "plaything". He's clinging to dad like he would a favorite toy that was taken away for a while. I'd also guess that your son views his grandparents and a babysitter as big people coming to play with him. Try taking time away from being the caregiver to just play with him. And if dad isn't already, have him take over doing some of the mundane caretaking tasks that always seem to end up being the mom's responsibility. Change won't happen overnight. He may not respond to the change exactly the way you'd like at first, but keep at it and change will come.

It is hard to invest so much time in your child every day and have them uninterested in loving you. But that is exactly what it is. You are a routine to him now. He can have you any time of the day and everyone else is new to him.

One way to create a little interest is to change his schedule to add some baby play classes or an early preschool class that you don't stay for. Just 2 days a week for a couple hours can work wonders. You need some time away from him too, ya know? He will appreciate you more if you aren't always there.

However, from 18 - 24 months children can experience a seperation anxiety period though. They will become extremely clingy to whomever they feel is leaving them frequently. Since he is comfortable with you always being there, if you start classes at this time, it could be extremely tough on him.

Either way, take it as a complement. You have created a stable, loving environment for him and he is ready to explore the world now.

T. Gripp
Director, Teacher and Founder

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Bright Start Care
Preschool and Childcare
20980 SW Vermont Street
Aloha OR 97007

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www.BrightStartCare.com
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I'm so glad you posted this! I've got a Daddy's boy too. He's got a big sister who was/is a total Mommy's girl so it was a big shocker to me when he would want Dad even when I was holding him. I try not to let it bother me but my heart aches a little bit when I can't make it all better for him. Don't really have any "fix it" advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone out there.
Oh I've noticed sometimes that he's giving me the cold shoulder cause I've been gone, maybe that's the issue with your little one at the grandparents house.

Oh yes! My 2yo is the exact same way. Daddy is his hero, and everytime I am around it is, "No Mama." Mostly I try to take the days when he wants to cuddle with me as long as possible. I also noticed that it is a phase with him. He went through it at about a year old for a few months and was fine until a few months ago. Now I am just waiting for it to be the way it was before. Sorry there isn't any magical way to make him notice/appreciate you more. I know us moms sometimes just want to feel loved.