2 Year Old Refuses to Say Please.

I remember going through this. I believe in tough love and I am not one to give in, especially to a two year old. If my children do not say please when they ask for something I do not acknowldege that they are speaking. The first couple times you may have to explain why you ignored her, but after not getting a response or reaction from mom will really put things into perspective for her. Try it.

She's still young but children imitate parent behavior and language, so if parents say please at appropriate times, child will follow.

Ah, the beginning of personal will. I have the joy of having two of these great (but oh so trying!)children. I have found that if I try to force an issue then it will become a battle of wills. It has worked for us to gentle and casually remind of the expected behavior and move on. Also always being the example you want them to act like. Remember to always say please to her and those around you and eventually she'll catch on. If it gets to far and it seems to be a problem, when she asks for something just casually remind her of the rule and don't respond until she has said it. Remember to let her know how nice you feel when she does say please. Most important, don't start a battle unless you know you can win or she'll quickly learn how to work you.

In my opinion, you're totally asking way too much of her. You're basically asking her to understand how gratitude and being polite works AND then asking her to exhibit that. For a two-year-old, that's asking a lot! Perhaps it bothers you because you don't want others to feel she's impolite or ungrateful for something, but then just make sure YOU thank them for whatever it is. I think the best way to help her say it (if it's really all that important to you) - or better yet, to get the idea of gratitude (which should be what's really important here) is for you to say "thank you" or show gratitude often and perhaps emphasize it when you do. Like everything else, she'll hear you doing it and she'll start doing it (even if it takes time).

When I was a kid, I remember that my parents would never even give me a chance to say thank you for things such as gifts and they would always give me the thing and then immediately say, "What do you say?" and I HATED it because I felt forced to say it and then it didn't feel genuine to me. No one likes to say something that they're forced to say. We even have this video of me around 10 years old on Christmas and my parents got me a typewriter (which is the thing I adored at that time!) and I start screaming and go, "OH MY GOSH - YOU GOT IT FOR ME!!" and started jumping up and down and on the video you can hear my mom go, "What do you say to Mr. and Mrs. Claus?" and you can see the excitement and joy leak out of my face as I mutter a "Thank you." Why was the jumping up and down and genuine excitedness not enough for them? Why was it so important that I say the pat "Thank you" when I'd just showed them my true happiness and gratefulness? Sorry to go off on a rant, but maybe it will help you decide how to handle your situation :)

she refuses to say please, you refuse to give in and walk away without giving her the item in question. Can't argue with a 2 year old. Your the parent, and it's ok.

Just be a little patient with your duaghter. I went through the same thing with my duaghter as well. They will grow out of it, but keep in mind - this is they're way of seeing what kind of control they have on you and themselves. I think what you are doing (asking) is just fine. :-)

My kids have all done the same thing. I didn't push the subject too much unless they were demanding. Then I wouldn't give them what they wanted until they said please. If they never said please then they never got what they wanted. Now if they don't say please, a gentle reminder is all it takes.

Hi M.,
I've not been in your situation, (brand new mum) but when I read your request I had an idea. Perhaps teach her the sign for please and explain what it is. Maybe she'll think it's fun and then you can move into please. I really don't know, but I thought I would share my idea. I hope you figure something out! Good luck!!
A.

My advise is to not give her what she wants until she does say please in a nice way. She's old enough to know that this is the right way to get what she wants. Stay strong - she'll come around. :-)

You may want to try to taking some of the pressure of the word by playing with it. When she asks for something and holds back the word please, try asking her to say the magic word, periwinkle! pickles! pussy willow! You get the idea. It will lighten things up a bit and make her feel less of a need to make a point. Eventually she will learn to be polite. Children learn the most from example. :-)

Oh, boy, your daughter sounds just like one of mine! :) (Mine's now an adult, and delightful, so take heart.)

I told my daughter that if she refused to say please, I refused to give her whatever it was that she wanted. I did this very calmly and matter of factly, and didn't give in. I did the same if she was refusing to say please to one of her siblings - no "please," and they got to refuse whatever she was asking.

M.,
I'm a mom with 4 grown children, they were all smarter than me by the time they were two...I just didn't realize it at the time.
The issue of saying please is not what is important, its the fact that she is disobeying you.
This may sound simplistic, but it is an act of defiance, she should say please before you give her what she is asking for. If thats your rule, In my opinion you should have as few rules as possible, but if you make it a rule, her being obedient to you is the issue. Two year olds understand so much more than you think they do!
There are going to be alot bigger issues that you will face in the future and you will need her immediate obedience. But open disobedience should never be ignored. It just gets worse and the issues are much more important. Its not really that saying please is all that necessary, its that you ask her to and she didn't obey you.
My humble opinion,
G.

Let it go, the more you ask her to do it, the more she will refuse. She knows you cannot force her to say the word, and she also sees how much power she has as you get more irritated or continue to try. Just keep using polite words to her and around her and don't mention anything about why or direct her to do the same. As she gets older and learns to find other power struggles this one will go away. She'll also likely move into an age where she will want to please you a little more (2yr olds don't care much about that) and will start using nice language to get your positive attention. The more you push, the more she will push back. And if there's anything I've learned from motherhood it's that a two year old has more will power than the mom does. Fight about the important stuff - holding hands in the parking lot, no hitting friends, no you cannot have cookies for dinner..... Some day her strong will will make her a leader and a powerful sure of herself woman!

With my two year old, we;ve really had to help give her the words of how to properly ask for things. We start with ignoring requests that are demanding or don't include please. Either she figures it out and asks nicely, or it starts to escalate into more demanding/bordering on a tantrum beginning which is when I reminder her of her manners. That usually get a quick "Please!" which I then ask her to "try again" as just adding a harsh please is not appropriate either. This now gets her to start over with "may I Please...." It took a little while to get her to this point but the key is consistency. I had to learn to stop giving her things at the first request of "I want..." and be firm. Now, if she's crying or being tantrummy, I just ignore ignore ignore and in a calm voice remind her that we use our manners and crying will not get her anything.

Like yours, our daughter has always been good about saying thank you and your welcome and sorry...just the please that we had more issues with.

Its definately helped and we are gaining a much more polite little girl with fewer rude behaviors and fewer tantrums. I hope that helps!

M.,

So many response I couldn't read them so here is my two cents.

Make sure you, your husband and your son are saying please when it is needed and it will "rub off" on her. Also, if she is still putting in the words "can you" and "would you" rather that ordering you around I would not bring it up anymore.

Hope it helps,

Evelyn

Hi M.,
We also used the "what's the magic word" it's a fun way with our daugther who's now almost 4. I remember my parents always saying it to me and it has worked for multiple generations. I don't think 2 years is too young to be pressuring good manners. By her saying other good manner words and saying it occasionally you know she can, she's just trying to be the boss. My daughter is strong willed and incredibly stubborn but I'm more so. Therefore, I'm the boss. Make the it fun with the magic word first and see how that goes. In our case, when she refused to say it, knowing she is supposed to, we just don't give in. We'll say, well, once you say please you can have it. Otherwise you just don't get it. We got a couple tantrums out of it but she says please 90% of the time on her own now and has been since she was about 2-1/2. When she doesn't say it automatically we just give her the look and say excuse me and she repeats her request with please.
Good luck!
L.

When my one-year-old wants something from me, I ask, "what do you say?" & he says, "please". I did the same thing with my 6-year-old at this age & now he remembers to say it most of the time. He still needs some reminders to, "use his good manners", but saying "please", "thank you", "excuse me", etc. are all normal behaviors for everyone in my house. I think it's an important lesson in respecting others.

My daughter is 3 now, but around the same age would do the same thing as yours. What we did is if she was asking for something, we occassionally would have to give her a 'lesson'. For example, if she asked for a fruit snack, and we said "what do you say" if she wouldn't say please she didn't get the snack. Yes there was a big fit afterwards but as soon as I got down to her eye level and told her why she didn't get the snack the wheels were turning and she figured it out pretty soon! What didn't work is if I tried to make her say please, then it's almost a pride issue. Remember, she is only 23 months so the fact that she says any of those things is great! Good luck!

M.,
I am the mother of an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. I had a "problem" with my son saying please at first. Then I sort of turned it into a game. Saying "What do you say?", or "What's the magic word?", but saying it in a very playful manner, Almost as if I were a child myself. When he did say please I would clap or jump for joy. In turn, making him laugh and creating a game. It did begin to work after the first few times. Hopefully this helps a little, if not then it just may take some time to get her used to the "habit" of saying please. Hope info helps.

This sounds like a power struggle and you will loose. I would stop making it an issue but be sure to give super positive praise to her peers that say please, as well as encourage other adults to give lavish praise, Also - do not respond when she does not say please. If she says I want a cookie don't give it to her. Let her know in a calm voice that you will not respond to her without her saying please and walk away..... she will clue in. S

My daughter is also 2 and is the exact same way! I figure she is only 2. She is also a good little girl and polite the rest of the time, so I don't worry about it. I figure she will eventually say please and that there are more important things she is working on learning.

Hi !
I would not push it ! You can show her how much fun it is to say Please - when you talk to the other family-members -
she will love it !!
She learns by example!!
Otherwise it would be a Force-Game - an ego-game between mom & daughter ... ( " mommy loves me - but only when I say please )
I believe ,
to say please must come naturally and she'll learn by example not by force... my daughter Cosma is 26 now - and she is a very giving , charitable Lady - and my son Otis is 17 and a wonderful respectful gentlemen!
So I must have done something right ....
Love,
N.

I agree with you that this is a bit of a power struggle and typical 2yr old behavior! Chill out a bit yourself and she will too ...I promise you! A :)

Dear M.,

Yes you are asking too much. Maybe she doesn't understand that use of 'please'. Just be glad that she is beginning to know how to be polite, it is a joy to hear, isn't it?

I married into a family that truly does not use those words, it is certainly grating on my nerves, but I keep my mouth shut. I keep telling my sister that my husband is sooooo lucky that I love him so much.

C. N.

One of the things you can say. "When (daughter's name) uses please to ask me, then I will ..." Then you will need to wait until she ses please to responod to her request. Since she uses please at other times, she already has the knowledge. The one warning I will give you is that if she is used to getting her way with or without sayig please, her behavior wll probable increase until he realizes you are serious and consistant. If her behavior increases, it would be important to avoid paying attention to the tantrum.

If she does tantrum, you can become a broken record repeating the original statement. "When (daughter's name)uses please to ask me, then I will ..."

I also wanted to point out the difference between when...then statements and if...then statements.
When then statements are expectation of behavior: (ie When Daddy comes home from work then we will go out to eat.)
If then statements opens the door for questioning (i.e. If Daddy comes home earily then we can go to the park before dinner).

I hope this helps. Good Luck

I agree that saying What's the Magic Word seems to work, although my neighbor uses Abracadabra as the magic word, so sometimes my kids will say that to me when I ask, and then I'll say oh, what's the other magic word and they'll say please. It works!

Sounds just like my two year old grandaughter. She will pick & choose when to say thank you though. I am thinking she does not yet fully understand the command & i think that with time she will get it. I don't worry since she does say it when she wants to & can follow other directions. She is stubborn though!

Hey M.,

Yes, I would push the issue!! "Please", what an important part of having manners and just a word that needs to be said, especially when your a child! I worked with elementary kids all day long and don't know how many times a day I have to remind kids about the "magic word" as I refer to it! When I do get a child that say's it without having to remind them, it such a pleasure cause that means they appreciate when something is being given to them and don't take it for granted.....it's as simple as that!! Good Luck!!

The best way to teach is by modeling. Express appreciation when she says "please" and express appreciation when others say, "please." Share with her how you feel about people who are polite and avoid pointing out that someone is wrong who is not polite. Only focus on what you appreciate and that is what she will model because innately we like to please and children learn by observation and duplication not by words. Have you ever noticed how when your child was growing from babyhood into childhood they mimicked whatever you or others said or did? They observe and then try to duplicate. The moral is......be an example. Your child will follow. Love is the answer to anything. Wrong making creates resistance. Enjoy!

Since her manners are otherwise so good and since she says it unless you insist ... then YES it does sound like you are pushing.

Power struggles are normal at this age, but getting into ''my way or else'' is conflict you do not need.
So CHOICE is a key here.
Perhaps you van offer her a choice, so maybe she might say
FOR EXAMPLE
'Please may I'' or Could I possibly'' ''May I have''
Ask her cheerfully (that's very important, like its a new game) 'Which are you going to say!' be encouraging not demanding 'Which do you want to say?'

Well Done! Good Girl! etc etc

If it's getting something - just don't give it unless she says please. Be CASUAL about that, not confrontational - It's up to her - No big deal.

REMEMBER Lots of praise if she chooses to co operate.

I think if shes learning/asking politely, (not just saying I WANT) means you dont always need PLEASE as such

and THANK YOU is much more important.
;-)
Good luck!

I lightheartedly asked my little one how he could ask for that in a way that makes so-and-so's heart feel happy. When he said please I thanked him and made a big deal out of how happy it made me (or so-and-so) feel. He's 5 now (tomorrow) and I still have to ask him that from time to time, but I think generally he gets it. I also make it funny by saying, "What rhymes with bees?" and I try words like cheese and knees and he corrects me. I try not to make it too serious or punitive. As mommies it truly is best to carefully choose our battles. They really do pick it up from watching us!

Honestly, you just really never know what's going on in their little heads at that age. This reminds me of a story about my daughter when she was that age. My daughter actually refused to say anything. Every once in a while, she'd say a word or two, but mostly she'd just point and grunt. My husband was beside himself. I figured she'd talk when she was ready, but he was so concerned about it, I thought I'd try to make her talk.

One night we were in the kitchen, and she wanted water. She pointed up at the sink and grunted. I said, "No. Say water please. If you say water please, I'll give you water." We went back and forth a few more times, and finally with tears in her eyes, my two year old said, "Mommy, may I please have a glass of water?" I was shocked. A whole sentence from the girl who never said so much as one word. It was at that point that I realized that my daughter will not do a single thing until she is certain she can do it perfectly. And now she's 16 and still ever the stubborn perfectionist.

It could be that your daughter embarrassed about the way she says the word. I think I would go with some sort of reward system or game. Call it the pretty please game where she gets a reward whenever she says pretty please. My mom used to do that with me as a kid, and it worked pretty well.

I won't give things to my daughter until she says please.

Hello M.,

I see you got alot of responses, but I bet you didn't get one like mine...
Maybe you want to rethink making her say: sorry, thank you and please. These are words we use in our society to manipulate people into doing what we want. Especially please.

Teach by example, say these things yourself. She will eventually catch on.

I never made my son say please or thank you. A small child asking for water or food, etc, is asking for what it wants or needs. Their desires are pure. Making them jump through hoops at a young age is unnecessary. Does their request stand on it's own, or does it need to be flowered with words we want them to say?

As my son got older, when he could understand such things, we talked about how other people like to hear words like 'please' and 'thank you' and will judge you as being rude if you don't use them. Today, he is considered polite and charming by most adults.

Concepts of gratitude, apology, making amends, pleading, convincing, manipulating... take years to learn. It is not something a child grasps at age 2 and then you don't have to worry about it. You'll have many conversations over time. Enjoy!

PS. Enjoy your strong willed child... they turn into teenagers that do not fall to peer pressure! :)

Toddlers want control of "something" and they fight to get it. She is wanting control of when she says please. Obviously she needs to learn appropreiate manners and you, as her mom need to teach her. Give her a choice on HOW she "says" please. (Honey, we use our manners in the Smith House, would you like to say please with your mouth or your hands?)Use your family name, so she feels part of a bigger picture, not just singled out, she'll feel more important as part of your family. And also let her say please verbally or "sign" please with her hands (a flat hand on her chest making a circle motion). This will be something new/fun for her, it will give her a choice of 2 ways that are acceptable to you and you get her to use her manners. Everyone wins.

Hi M.
All I can say is: DEFIANCE. I have 3 boys myself and the second born is almost 3 now. He will do almost anything, except when i ask him to. When we're out in public everybody tells me how well behaved and polite he is. Well, at home it's a whole different story.
Your daughter seems to know when she's expected to say "please". So, you should just let it go and let her do her thing. This doesn't mean you can't remind her if she forgets. She just tries to find out how far she can go, where her boundaries are with you.
Good luck.
M.

Dear M.,

I don't think you are asking too much, but I think it is turning into a power struggle. You are both fighting over control of her mind and mouth. You might try to explain that there are nice ways of asking for something, and suggest that if she doesn't want to say "please" she can say "may I," (though that phrase still usually triggers a "please" in me). You have to decide how important it is to you - if it is VERY important at this time, you might tell her that unless she says "please" she won't get what she wants - but you have to be prepared to follow through.

Good luck!
B.

Hello,
It is very simple... Just say no. If your daughter will not say please then just do it right back to her and never give in. i know it sounds a little baby like but it works, my little girl had the same problem and I just wouldnt give in until she was nice and said please. Now when ever she wants something no matter how small she asked very nicely with out me even telling her that she should say please, and she does it on her own. She even says thank you and your welcome with out being told to and she is 3. Just stick by what you start with and she should follow it. But only do what you want, and never because what someone wants you to do it. I hope this helps

I said "I can't hear you when you don't say please." then with no particular scolding or emotion, I just went on about my business. Also, demonstrate... If Dad says please to you casually, point it out: Daddy says please. The neighbor said please. etc. In effect I was saying "babies demand. Big girls say please." She refuses you, you can refuse her... refuse to be disrespected.

Welcome to daughters! I have 2 sons and a daughter and neither of my sons ever acted like this but my daughter is the same way. You are certainly not asking too much for her to say please. I won't give my daughter what she wants if she doesn't say please. Sometimes this launches into a tantrum, but you have to be strong and ride it out. Giving in does not produce the results YOU want, it produces the results SHE wants. I am a high school teacher, and I see the manifestations of children whose parents did not say no to them or demand a certain level of behavior, and the results are NOT pretty. I always think that now is the time to establish your expectations because it is not too long before kids figure out how to talk back and be disrespectful....Good luck

She's still VERY young. I do think you have some expectations that are too old for her. She is still learning her way about the world. At that age they copy everything around them. Instead of requesting or demanding a please, you can model the appropriate language for her. If you say please, thank you, etc., to her and others around her, she will most likely pick it up. I also sometimes rephrase things for my kids - if my 4 yr old says "put my shoes on!" I say "Mommy can you put my shoes on?" and immediately say "yes of course" (i.e. I'm not waiting around for him to repeat it). And then I put on the shoes and go on about my business. There has been no big deal made but he has heard the polite way to ask.

I personally hate it when some adult tells my kids "what's the magic word?" I find it patronizing and wouldn't say it to another adult, why would I say it to my kid? I might say to an older child (8+) "how could you ask for that politely?"

While I'm at it with describing how we do it... I also never tell my kids "Say you're sorry" - this only teaches them lip service with an insincere apology. We do restitution instead and when the offender is sincerely ready for it. If my 8 yr old calls my 6 yr old a name, maybe when she calms down she offers to play with him, for example. If we are engaging with other adults and the situation calls for it, I supply the sorry or thank you if my kid doesn't say it. It provides the appropriate response without making anyone uncomfortable. Kids are learning a lot - social niceties, manners, nuances - if they forget once in a while I don't mind. I'm there to help them succeed.

I hope some of these ideas are helpful.

M.,
The best way to get a child to say please thank-you and all that is to say it yourself, you will be surprised at how much children watch and listen to us. If she doesn't always say just try to say it to her and everybody around you, she will pick it up eventually, but don't worry to much and try not to push it she is probably just trying to get a reaction out of you when she doesn't say please, just say o.k. maybe later you will say please. She will get it don't worry.

cloe

M.,
Take a deep breath mama, this too shall pass and be but a memory. After three children, I can tell you that she will learn to be polite. Just keep being the example of it and she will learn. If you make it a chore, she will rebel and she should. It shows that she is going to be a independent thinker in the future and the world needs her. You will be the one she tests because your the mom. My daughter now 7 has knocked heads with me from a young age, but in doing that she keeps me on my toes and helps me be an example of the behavior I want in her. We talk a lot about her "I'm the queen of the world" attitude at times, and with each experience, we get through it with her learning about how to treat people with kindness and respect. Your just getting started so hang in there and take those deep breaths before responding to her. Good luck!

Hi M. -

I'll bet she wont say please when you ask because at 2 she has very little power. Knowing that you want her to say it and being the one in charge of weather or not she says it has become important to her. I've seen a very similar "power struggle" about saying sorry. The more we make of it, the worse it gets.

I think the best thing to do is to model it for her. I'm sure you're already doing that by saying please and thank you when it's appropriate but what you could also do is when you're in the situation that you want her to say it, you restate what she's said with that magic word.

Child: "Mommy, I want some Milk"
Mother: "Mommy, I want some milk, please"

Then drop it. Don't ask her to say what you said. Just echo what you'd prefer to hear and move on. I'll bet she'll start to say what you want and you get to still be in charge :)

Good Luck!

I don't think you're asking too much and you're doing a great job teaching your daughter at a young age that it's important to use manners and be polite. It's obvious she understands the concept of these words since she uses the others.
When my kids were little we used to call the word please "the magic word." So if they asked for something and didn't say please, I would ask, "what's the magic word?" It's kind of fun and silly for them and may work better if it's not perceived as something so serious or strict. Say "the magic word" and you get what you want! Magic! Don't forget the positive reinforcement when she does!

Good luck,
P. N

at this age,its a lot about imitation..be persistent in that you always say please and encourage your son to say it also,she will pick up on it and eventually learn o say it as well. if she doesnt say it,over dramatize your excitement.children at this age live for your approval,and with such a rewarding response it will be hard to not keep doing it.but be patient,she will learn it in her own time.just keep speaking to her how you want her to speak and she will learn:)

The thing you have to ask is Who is the boss here? You are and if you little one refuses to say please, withhold her from getting her what she asked for. When she realizes that she is not going to win she will give in to your request. This will have be done every time she has the issue and until it clicks. I have a strong willed child and you need to be firm yet patient with her.

D. B

I have a very strong willed girl too. At this point in her development (she's almost 3), I want her to know her manners but sometimes its not worth the battle to "make" her act on them. Keep reminding her "If you want something, you need to say PLEASE" etc. Eventually it will become part of her vocabulary without a knock down, drag out fight

If your two year old is saying sorry, thank you and welcome, that is WONDERFUL. Don't stress out about the please, just praise her for using the other polite words and say please to her whenever you ask her something. Two year olds are very independant and she may feel insulted when you demand that she say please instead of just responding to her needs unconditionally. If she asks nicely and isn't throwing a tantrum or whining, she shouldn't have to say please just to make you listen. If you are a good example of politeness, she will pick it up in no time and say please just to make you happy, not because she feels threatened.

....so you gave her what she wanted even though she did not say 'please' as you asked? That would be the problem. That she says it without being asked is much more important though.