3 Year Old Behavior - Shippenville,PA

First, I bet it's SO HARD to be devoting 90% of your time to your son and have him act like he is getting 3% of the attention. Kids sure aren't fair! My son went through this in his 4's, so I really do think that it's a normal phase of growing up even though it's NOT something you want kids to be doing.

My suggestion is instead of rewards, punishments, timeouts and such teach him what he should be doing and saying. A reward is teaching that he does something for an external motivation. Having him well behaved without giving him a star (or whatever) is teaching him that he does what he should because that is what he should be doing.

Timeouts and punishments are showing him that this is not what he should be doing. But I say that moms should go a step farther and focus on the reason they chose to do a timeout. For example, don't timeout because he swears. Instead tell him what he needs to be saying. Show him how to talk politely. Have your follow through be the desired actions and words instead of a timeout. (A timeout can be a way out of doing something.)

Another thing that may help is to let your son know that you understand what he's telling you. (though it's in a very wrong way!) For some kids, once they know that a parent hears them, they calm back down quite quickly. Mom: "You're SO MAD about this!!". Kid thinks "yeah. That's exactly it. You know where I'm coming from. I'm heard." -- then -- you continue with teaching what you want to be happening. "You're so mad, but we need to do this because of such and such. We can do that afterwards." (hope that makes sense)

Hang in there. Keep teaching him how to react and what to say to get his point across in a polite manner. Then teach him what should be happening and why. (though I don't think at 3 he will be able to get much of the higher reasoning. He's very here and now in his thinking at this age.) Punishments are teaching him that you don't like it, but being a role model and walking him through something is teaching him what he needs to do and how he needs to say it.

Hang in there! It does pass ... eventually. If you can use humor, that's a great thing too, but it can be hard to do when you're frustrated. Humor is great a disarming a situation so that you can continue and get your goal accomplished.

Step one: Take off your ring and un-fiance your man. Why would you want to marry a man who treats you that way?? Is that the kind of father you want for your children? Is that how you want your son to treat women? Is that how you want your daughter to think women should be treated?

Step two: Stop using words in front of your son that you don't want him to say, and take people out of your life who refuse to respect your children enough to stop speaking ugly in front of them. My kids only know "stupid" and "ugly" are bad words and have no idea what curse words are. (Well, my 10 and 12 year old have heard those words at school, but certainly didn't hear them when they were 3 at home with me, as with my current 3 year old)

Step three: Go to the library and ask the librarian to show you the books on how to raise a strong willed child. I did this the other day. She pointed me toward a book shelf that had about 5 books on the subject. I sat there with a pencil and paper while my son was in story time and took notes.

First of all, your son's father does not sound supportive at all. You need to get him on board with you. Is there fighting in the home at all? It sounds like you are doing the best you can and it is hard to have a child like that. But where is he getting the swear words? I have a four and three year old and the old "swear" word they know is "stupid." Where is he getting this from since he is at home?
Some kids are more difficult than others to handle for no reason. But most of the time, they are lashing out for a reason. And my main concern for you and your children is your finace. It scares me that he says you are "b**ing" and can't raise children. What kind of comment is that? First of all, no one should be using the "b" word with someone they love. Instead of telling you you can't raise children, he should really be asking you how he can help you do your job better. And if he is using the "b" word with you and being negative with you, how is he with the kids? Is he using this language in front of them? Is he putting them down like he puts you down?
This will sound very forward and you may hate me for it, but is this really the type of man you want to marry?

Don't give up!!
Kids repeat words and actions they see. Does swearing occur in your home and does he see you being disrespected?
I have a "strong willed" child who just turned 5 so I feel for you!! What I have found to help curve the terrible behavior is to try and pinpoint triggers of her behavior. Check his diet - is there a lot of sugar or unhealthy foods? Check his stimulation - is there alot of opportunities to work off energy or does he watch a lot of tv and spend a lot of time in the house? Are you consistant with discipline? I know I try to be and I still have behavior issues. Are you and the dad on the same page with discipline? If you correct a behavior and he doesn't, your son will be confused and the behavior will not stop.
Try to not yell and don't go into long speeches. When he does something against the rules you simply say that behavior will not be tolerated and then discipline appropriately. After discipline reiterate how much you love him. At 3 most kids act out because of frustration and they do not know how to express them selves.
Have you tried redirection? Certain behaviors can be redirected. If he's starting to get "crazy" say, "hey, lets see how fast you can run?" and let hime show you outside. Or "hey lets have a contest . who can pick up the most things off the floor and put them away?" Or if you have chores to do, have him help. Give him a chair and fill the kitchen with a little bit of water and let him play in it while you put dishes away. Or give him face clothes to fold while you are doing laundry.
Make sure you PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE throughout the day when he is being good.
I know it is hard when you have more than one kid, but make special mommy time. When the little one goes for a nap, tell him its your special time and read him a book or play action figures with him.
You should be enjoying this time.
If you think his behavior might be a serious issue I would consult your pediatrician for professional advise.

I agree completely with Nikki. Why would you want to be with someone who speaks to you like that? Is that what you want you kids to see as a normal healthy relationship?!? You might want to rethink your future with him. He needs to be more supportive of you just because he's your fiance, the father of your kids, and just because he loves you. Additionally, with your past health issues that you are dealing with, he really needs to step up and be the man you need just for the fact that you and the kids are his to take care of. By asking you to marry him, he has agreed to take that onto his shoulders to help you out no matter what the issue. Please think hard on this, not just for yourself (mind, body, and spirit) but for your kids so they do know what is healthy and what isn't healthy in a relationship. Since you are home with them 100% of the time, it is up to you to teach them what they need to be healthy adults who can stand up for what's right.

As for your son, there is a reason that he's doing this, just have to figure out what. He could be trying to act like daddy, might be ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), or angry about something he can't express. Have you ever looked at 123 Magic? It is a program that teaches parents how to deal with/discipline spirited children without going nuts. I use it on my 7 year old who is diagnosed ADHD/ODD. It works if you follow it. There are dvds and books out there. *spoiler alert* the dvds are boring!! LOL

Good luck my dear and God bless.

Threes are the worst!

Here is one thing that you can do that will help in what ever kind of dicipline you choose (at age three, if you have tried everything, maybe you have not tried any one for long enough-pick one and stick to it and do it every single time and maybe it will work) But, no matter what you use, for kids at his developmental stage tell him what TO DO and avoid telling him what to STOP doing. He is not ready ot stop, think of what he should do instead, and then carry it out. Say "sit down" instead of "stop running" say, "hands in pockets" instead of "stop hitting" say "nice words" instead of "don't say &^%#@." He will be much more able to follow an active comand and be sucessful. Success breeds success.

If you have tried everything and you know you have been consistent with what you were using at the time, then it might be time to find out if he has neruological issues that prevent him from processing information into changed behavior. The place to go is a developmental pediatrician. Be sure that you have really done everything, and if you are sure, then I would not hesitate to make that appointment.

Swearing is a learned behavior, and it is hard to unring that bell. I would do some house cleaning with the langauge issue, and make sure that whom ever has been using the language he is using stops, and that he (and his little sister) get a chance to learn how to funciton without 4 letter words.

M.

Hi E.,

In this one aspect your fiance is being extremely unsupportive, condescending and insulting when he calls you mothering skills into question in such a harsh way. If he really feels it is your parenting skills, perhaps he would like to take over the teaching and disciplining of your son or offer constructive ideas on how HE would handle when your son misbehaves.

As for your son, I think it might be a good idea to take him to a child psychologist and, perhaps, get him evaluated. It may just be a matter of finding a way to work things with him, but, just in case it's something more than that, the sooner you know, the better you can handle it and the more time you have to work with him.

In the meantime, here are some ideas for adressing the issues you have -

Talking back - ignore it. For instance, if you say, "I need you to put your toys away, please" and he says, "No! I don't want to!" Instead of addressing the disrespect of talking back tell him, "You can do it by yourself, or I can help you" and by help I mean walk over, put your hands over his and guide him through doing the entire thing. It gives no power to his words and asserts that if you say something it's GOING to happen.

Swearing and saying ugly things - ignore the behavior in the moment. Do not let it get a reaction from you in any way because that's what he's looking for and if you give it to him, he wins automatically regardless of whether he is discplined for it or not. Do not adress it in any way other than, if his temper starts to escalate, to say, "I need you to calm down. You may calm down in here with us or you may go calm down by yourself." If he doesn't calm down, quietly and calmly remove him from the room until he is calm. If he runs away from where you put him, ask if he is calm, if he is not then put him back where you had him. All the time let him know that HE is in control of rejoining the group by choosing to be calm.

Hitting or hurting others: Automatic time out. When time out is over (no matter how long it takes to get those three minutes) talk with him about how he FELT when he was angry. Was he mad? Why was he mad? What are some things he could do instead of hitting?

Biting: We offered out kids "biters". Whenever we had a biter, we gave them something to bite instead of a person. Usually it was a frozen teether. We also told them the words they could use instead of their teeth. We actually had kids starting to *ask* for the biters which was awesome, and which we praised lavishly.

Praise him whenever you can, for even the smallest of things. When your fiance comes in, instead of telling him what little man did wrong, tell him everything that you can that little man did RIGHT. Do it within earshot of your son. When you "catch him being good" use that time to sit and hug him and thank him. All of these things will help reinforce the idea that good behavior gets good attention and it's so much more fun than the negative. In time he could even start seeking it out.

Keep him busy. Let him play in a hospital basin size bucket of beans of pasta, let him play with play-dough, let him color (with supervision), let him sort socks, fold towels, anything you can do to keep him busy so he doesn't find time for mischief. Let him make his own lunch with pb&j or something equally easy. Give him as many opportunities as you can to succeed.

I know this is really long, but you sounded like you really needed more than one option or lots of things to try. If you want ideas of things you can do with him that are easy, cheap, and developmentally appropriate, message me and I will be happy to send you some.

You can try Love and Logic or 123 Magic. I've been doing 123 Magic for a while and my daughter knows that when I start counting, she'd better straighten up.
When my son was little, we would hold his hands together so he couldn't hit. He started to kick, we held his feet. 3 times of holding his hand immoble and only once for his feet and he has never done it again.
As for the swearing, don't let anyone say bad words in front of him. Until they went to school, my children thought the "s" word was "shut-up" and the "f" word was "fart".
Try to catch him being good. Its hard because I don't think about it when they are acting pleasantly but if you can, it will help.
As for your fiance, get him on board raising the children or get him out, out of the house, out of your life (except the minimum you can do while dropping off or picking up the children) You do not deserve to be treated this way. I don't know you but I think, by what you've written, that you know you are a good person, doing your best and deserve the best in return. Remember there are many women here who are cheering for you. good luck.

E.,
Threes are the worst. You're not the only O. to have experienced that horrible year! LOL I thought I was "home free" when my son's terrible two's weren't all that terrible...WRONG! haha
What worked the best with my son at that age (note: I'm saying 'the best", not "perfect"!) was to take away his most prized possession. In his case, his stuffed bug that he has had since birth. I would warn him first, then the next time he did "the thing" I would take bug and place it on our fridge in plain sight, but he could not have it for the set amount of time.
I can tell you this--it got his attention. Time outs never worked for my son when he was 3.
Also, I know you've got another child and you're dealing with a lot, but you really, really have to be consistent. make a list of house rules and post them in your kitchen. Read the together every day. When he breaks a rule, consistently discipline him. You've gotta be really consistent to make a point. Hang in there. Good luck!

You need to pick some method and stick to it. Your child needs consistency. He needs to know what to expect and if you switch between the multiple approaches to discipline it will wear you both out. Although this sounds cliche, he truly does want you to provide discipline and structure in his life. He just maybe doesn't know that yet! ;)

I am a big believer in Parenting with Love and Logic, but if that's not for you, pick something, anything, that you can do and you can do consistently. I truly believe that when kids know what is expected and what will happen when they misbehave, their acting out slows down.

My 3 1/2 year old isn't quite as bad, but time-outs have never really worked well (he might be in time out for punching his little brother, but little brother tries to bust him out of time out so they can keep playing...). He is 3--he cannot control himself very well, even if he tries. He is probably feeling a ton of different things at any given moment, and has a younger sibling. Focus on praising good behavior and for setting a good example for his little sister. He has apparently heard bad words if he is saying them. He cannot unlearn them, but will have to learn social control. I just started trying to validate my son's feelings a little better. If he starts to cry, whine, tantrum, or in general do anything obnoxious or out of control, I've been telling him he can sit in one of the living room chairs until he stops. I have not been calling it a punishment, giving him a minimum amount of time, or even making him ask to get up again. If he starts up, I just ask him if he needs to go back and cry a little longer. Just a few days and he's picking up on it himself. It is okay for him to get mad. Maybe try a place he feels safe, either a chair or his room, and just let him know he can go there until he feels happier again. It is not okay for him to act this way, but he needs help learning control. Tell him "we don't say those words to people. If you are going to say them out loud, I want you to go in your room and say them and you can come back out when you are finished." (My parents just used bar soap, but I don't think it worked too well...) :)

I agree you also need a little more support. I don't want to burden you with any opinions on that right now. 3 is a VERY rough age. I worked in child care for years and my little darlings would turn 3 and become the stuff of nightmares sometimes. I still loved them, but they become alien creatures at times. Boys that age also need to be busy. See if there are any group activities in your community, or if you are open to church programs, try a VBS this summer and see if you can help out. My son is sometimes so crazy at home, but apparently is great in Sunday School and loves to imitate the older kids. Good luck.