3 Year Old Gets a Kick from Getting a Reaction Out of Me

The simple answer is this- don't give her the reaction she is trying to get. I know it's hard, I have the same problem. But I work extra hard to stay steady and not let my emotions get the best of me. When I was studying child development one of the key things they taught us is that if you get in a battle of wills with a child you automatically loose, even if you win.

Also, a 3 year old should be perfectly capable of putting on her own PJ's. Start earlier in the evening and just be patient! My daughter is younger, but when it's jammy time and she runs away from me I give her a warning then put her in timeout, but otherwise don't get worked up. I try to channel my strongwilledness into my strictness:)

Hey E.,
Dr. James Dobson wrote a really wonderful and helpful book entitled "The strong willed child". I recomend it HIGHLY.
V.

Hi E.,

It seems cute when they are younger, but once they get older it is just plain ugly how some kids treat their parent and worst of all in public.
1. Don't get angry, that means you are not in control.
2. Give her time limit to achieve her task and stick to it, if she isn't done. Let her know that she can try again the next night and do it for her tonight.
3. Let her try and do things for herself, so what if it's not perfect, let her learn to come to you.
4. and last but not least, give her the cold shoulder when she behaves badly, bad behavior is simly unacceptalbe at any age, it's just easier to control it now.

I know this works because I've done it and my kids used to come and say sorry for being rude to me. Now that they are bit older I get compliments daily on their good manners.

Good luck,

V.

Please don't take parenting so seriously. When something is unimportant, like getting herself dressed, let her try. It is a learning experience. Congratulate her when she gets her arm in the right hole. Laugh with her when she screws up. Please save your upset for important things like her running across the street. She sounds delightful. Enjoy the fact that she is determined to succeed. You need to stop being so controlling. It will only take away her confidence.

You have a girl much like mine at that age.... bright, precocious, verbal, expressive, opinionated and an individual. It is ALSO a reflection of their ages and stages phase.
The 3's are like that.

Okay. Yes but it's frustrating.
You really need to dig in your heels and not sway from your stance. She WILL tantrum and bring on lots of "drama" like most little girls so... but, don't give in. She has to know that you MEAN it.

It will get worse, before it gets better. Keep consistent. Tell her the scenario... what you expect...and the consequences.

It would also help sometimes when I would encourage my girl by saying "try your best" instead of telling her "do it." Or I would tell her, (to encourage 'team-work") "hey can you help Mommy get ready, by seeing how fast you can get your things? Let's see who can try their best!" My girl LOVED making things into a fun game and thinking she is "helping" Mommy. Then when my husband would get home she would proudly tell him all about how SHE "helped Mommy." (wink).

Sometimes, when my girl refused to get dressed, or refused to do it in a reasonable time, or just refused for no reason....and we had to get somewhere....well then my girl just went out in her pajamas or went to school in them! I would get ready myself, get the things in the car, get in the car myself, tell her we had to go, she'd say she wasn't ready....and I'd say "well, we have to go. You knew, but did not get ready. Lets go." Then I'd get her in the car and that was it. Next time, she realized I would not let her push me... and she'd be more cooperative in getting ready. If she went out in her pajamas because she was more interested in "arguing" with me.. .then fine. I picked my battles.

Sure, I"d lay her clothes out the night before, let her "choose" between outfits, I gave her LOTS of time in the morning to get ready because I know she does not like to be rushed.... I also helped her get ready etc. The whole 9 yards. But, I also make it clear as day, that after a certain point.... there are consequences. Never again did she want to go out in her pajamas! My friend's also went through this! You are not alone.

Just some examples. The "terrible 2's" is not just for 2 year olds...it actually goes on to 3 and 4 years old...hopefully by 5 years old it starts to diminish. But at each year, they will mature more and have better understanding and cooperative skills.

I know it's hard. Good luck.
All the best,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Hi E.,

Not sure if this will help but here it goes... I am a very stuborn, strong willed person with an equally stubborn 4 1/2 year old son. (My husband, a strong willed ex-marine, doesn't even rate in stubbornness compared to Ryan and I) What I've found is that when he and I go head to head, and I reach the end of my rope, where I start thinking that maybe it would be easier to just give in, he's there, too. So as the adult, if I can just hang in a few minutes when I think I'm at my breaking point, he will always give in first. The trick is to keep him from getting so upset he's past the point of reason. This has always been the case, from about the time he could talk.

Ryan likes to get a reaction, too, so if it's a behavior I don't want to continue, I have to work really hard at not giving him a reaction. It can ge pretty tough not to laugh, but one little snicker and he's gotten what he wants, so I pinch my leg if I have to, but I don't crack.

Hi E.-
It's tough being a mom and knowing how to manage our emotions while our kids are doing their own development. I don't know if you've tried to make a challenge out of the strong willed moments. Something like I wonder how fast you can put your arm through this arm hole. I bet you can't do it in 5 minutes...or what body part goes into this arm hole? Your head and then you peek through the arm hole to see if it could fit. Trying to make it fun and yet she is in control and able to be successful. I know once she gets thru this stage there will be a whole other challenge ahead. Our job is not to take it too personal and see it as a need that needs to be met and our guidance to help meet the need. I hope that helps.

Little girls are very independent, and that's ok,but the didrespect is not OK, when you fight with her, you are putting yourself on the same level as her, since she is such a strong willed child, you need some strong discipline to go with it, if she pokes you in the chest and says get up set, then you smach her on the hand, and put her in her room,E. if this behavior continues she will carry it off to pre school and she with take it right on in to kendergarten, disrespect should never be acceptable at any age. J., mother for 24 years

I've been in your shoes and with another on the way, I'll probably be there again. My ancestry is Scottish and Irish, so I blame the stubborn streak on my heritage. :)
You have a choice, you can let her be the boss and tell you what to do and "make" you get upset, or you can be the boss and tell her that you are not going to get upset, but if she continues to try to make you upset by displaying bad behavior she will have to sit in time out. I know, it seems like you are punishing her for pushing your buttons, but you are actually teaching her that she does not tell you what to do and that attempting to manipulate you will only end in time out.
As far as letting her get herself dressed, you will have to decide when and if she should be told she has to accept help. At least it is a good thing that she wants to do it on her own.
As a last thought, take some time for yourself. We all end up loosing our tempers once in awhile. If you haven't had a break for some time, that once in awhile has an alarming frequency. Get a sitter and go to the movies or out to dinner with a friend. Go get a massage or enjoy some time at the gym. Whatever it takes for you to feel refreshed.

My daughter and I have a very similar will. This at times is nice. You see, I understand where she is coming from. She just turned three and is a very capable person. Dressing herself and the desire to do so is new for us. I don't give her the option to dress herself unless there is enough time. Also I offer to give her hints when she is ready. If she is clearly not ready I'll walk away immediatly after offering to help. When she is ready to ask for help she will. I make a point of giving her hints that help her do it herself.

You know your daughter. She has clearly decided that this is a game. Do not allow this to be a game. Walk away. Give her the space to do it herself but let her know that you'd be willing to help her if/when she is ready.

I wish you well.

Here's a BIG secret (why it is a secret, I don't know)... 3 year olds are a WAY bigger handful than 2 year olds. My problems with my daughter started when she was 3 (she was lovely at 2 and I didn't understand what all of the fuss was about "terrible two's".) But anyway, I read the book "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It really helped me a lot. Good luck - It sounds like you have a future leader on your hands!!

Hi E., next time she wants to do it her self, and you are in a hurry take a timer in the room with you , set it for 3 or 4 minutes if she is not done by the time the timer goes off, then its your turn to get her dressed.. if she still gives you a hard time, then use the timer for her time out, sometimes you have to pick your battles, is this really a battle, if at bed time she isn't done getting her PJ's on, then put her to bed with her clothes on. She is testing you on " Who's the boss "" sounds like she might be winning here.

Out smart her is all you do

Two books I would recommend strongly......"You can't make me, but I can be persuaded" by Cynthia Tobias Ulrich and Dr. Dobsons The strong willed child. Both books have a christian bent, but even if you are not christian they give some very good insight and tools to handle your strong willed child. My third has rivaled my husband and I in strong will and the ideas in this book have helped. They might require a little creativity with the younger age, but they definately helped with my 4 year old.

I totally understand your frustration! My son is the same age and we are going through the exact same thing at our home. He laughs at time outs, laughs at spankings, will throw tantrums if he doesn't get his way, etc. I know it is just a phase, but I also know that if we (DH and I) don't handle it properly now, we will be in big trouble in years to come (hello, Super Nanny?).

The best advice that I have gotten from Moms with older kids, especially strong willed ones like ours is to keep consistent with our discipline and how we deal with these types of situations. Be firm and try not to lose it. But also it's okay to lose it sometimes. Our kids need to know that they have upset us or disappointed us. It's a life lesson for them to learn that we won't always like what they do and that we are human too and get upset.

If you find the Magic Solution for this, please let me know :D.

Your daughter may very well be missing her daddy, and might be acting out.
Your daughter has figured out at a very young age to push your buttons. She may also be trying to figure out if she has power as well as is this how to use power.
I recommend http://www.sandymcdaniel.com. She writes for the Orange County Register. Some of her ideas are very good. You may want to get in touch with a chaplain or counseling services military families to see what he/she recommends.

S.

Hi E.:
Since when,is a child learning to dress themselves such a (serious matter? What makes (YOU THINK)at three years old,your daughter is purposly agitating you? Your the one, that SET THE (MOOD)when you LAUGHED.Now, at that point, your daughter could have got angry,and lost her patience,but instead,she went with the flow. Your daughter wants to learn to dress herself,but her main intent here,is to (IMPRESS YOU),so walking away,while she is trying to complete the task,defeats the whole purpose.She set out looking for acceptance and praise,but when you laughed,It was at that time, it turned into a light sided,comical skit.I think,that we all,at one time or another,have seen how funny a toddler can be, trying to dress. Watching as they stuff an arm into the head of the garment,or a leg into the sleeve of a top.Have you lost your sense of humor E.? My advice,would be to lighten up,and instead of believing that your three year old daughter,is clever enough,to act like she can't dress herself, just to drive you nuts,enjoy these moments,where the two of you can laugh together,while she is learning. Stop rushing,and take the extra minutes,to allow her to show you how shes progressed.The best to you E..

E.,

I read a few responses and wanted to add this: As I have shared before always give choices to your children whenever possible. Ie: You bedtime is ____ and either you stop what you are doing now (possibly 1/2 hour earlier than usual) and get you pj's on or I can help you get your pj's on and you can continue to play until time to brush your teeth. If she still chooses to do it herself then take her to her room, give her pj's to her and tell her to come and get you if she needs help then leave the room. If she asks for help and then gets upset tell her that you will leave the room if she doesn't calm down and let you help her. If you start to feel that feeling that you are starting to feel irritated, excuse yourself and say you have to go to the bathroom. Go in there and calm yourself down. Washing your face or even getting yourself ready for bed can help. Tell her you are proud of her for wanting to learn to do it herself but that asking for help when it is needed is an even more important lesson to learn in life. Any time you feel you are starting to get upset excuse yourself for a few minutes.

If she pokes you on your chest in the future just calmly tell her that it hurts and we don't "hit" other people.

Give extra time for getting ready and leaving for places and don't let her watch tv or play while she is getting ready otherwise she will drag it out. "I need you to get dressed, let me help you get dressed. If she is still a problem, tell her that she will be wearing her pj's to where ever you are going. Her new choice will be wearing her pj's or her clothes. Always give extra time. If possible create a natural consequence of her not being able to go with you to someplace. Even get the help of a friend or your husband so that if she is not ready (give the time you are leaving and show her a clock) and won't accept help that she will not be able to go with you. No fuss No foul.

Deep breaths help,

Evelyn

I would explain to her that mommy getting upset is not something funny, and that it means you are very disappointed in her. Accentuate how it is not a good thing and act out as if you are getting upset about other things and how it has a negative effect on the outcome. Say she wants ice cream. Tell her that something she did made you upset and now she does not get any ice cream. You have to some how show her on a level she can understand. Also if she doesn't get her pj's on correctly and doesn't ask for help, tell her it's time to go to bed and it is too bad that she didn't ask for help. You also must help her to realize you are in charge and your will overpowers her will. She is only three. If she continues on the path she is headed down she will most likely not have many friends and try to dominate her husband, thus meaning she will have to find a whimp to marry. Pray!!!

My 3-year-old daughter is the same way with getting dressed. One day she wants to do everything by herself, and the next she wants me to feed her like a baby (probably because she has a younger brother and wants the same kind of attention). Since she is pretty smart, I try to make deals with her like, You can put on your pants, and I'll put on your shirt. Or, you have 3 minutes to try and put your shirt on by yourself, after that it's Mommy's turn (the taking turns thing works really well with her). She has gotten a lot better at dressing herself, which of course makes it easier for me to let her do things on her own. She also likes to run around naked for a little while before putting on her pajamas, so that's another way I make deals. She can take her clothes off by herself and be naked for a few minutes, but then it's my turn. Good luck!

YOU are in control of your emotions...if you see that it satisfies her to see you mad, don't get mad...or let her see you get mad. TAke the wind out of her sails or in other words, don't give her the glory. You are the adult here. Once she sees she doesn't have an affect on you, she will see it doesn't pay to continue and she'll find something else to do. You subconsciously are encouraging her behavior.

good luck.

Welcome to life with a three year old. The "terrible twos" actually start around 15 months and end around four (but looking back, you'll think, "that wasn't so terrible.) That said, I would tell your daughter that she can try it herself, but when you're done counting backwards from 10 to 1, she needs to let you help. Kids that age think that they can do everything by themselves not realizing that they can't do much of it. If you let her try and then help while you're both calm, things should go much more smoothly. Good luck. :)

You got a lot of good responses, but I didn't read every single one, so if someone already posted this--sorry. First off, the laughing could be okay. And that she laughed, too, I would've gone with it, scooped her in my arms, and rolled around on the floor, laughing. I might've even tickled a minute or so. Laughter reduces a lot of tension and can change a volatile situation in the blink of an eye. Anyway, here's my suggestion. Buy 5 or 6 timers to leave all around the house. Kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, family room. They will be your new VBF's. Let her try to do what she wants to accomplish, but for only a specified time. "Okay, honey, you have 5 minutes to do this, but when the timer rings, I am going to help you finish." Then that's it, you will help her finish. I learned this in a parenting class and it works wonders. Somehow the timer removes you away from the "bad guy". It usually works wonders. Next, if you haven't already, start teaching her how to dress herself so she can actually do it. Another poster suggested you allow more time for these things---that's a good idea. Lastly, if she's poking you on the chest, telling you to get mad----sorry, but you're getting mad too often. You need to be the parent in control, so you really need to work on that. Stepping back and taking some deep breaths can help alot. I'd also suggest making a schedule, and posting it where you and your daughter can see. "Honey, the schedule says it's nap time, clean up toys time, bath time, etc. in 5 minutes, so when the timer rings we will get started on that." The timer can also help you here! Exercise, healthy eating and getting enough sleep need to be your "3 R's", since you will be better able to cope with these stressors in your life. I know I'm a bear when I haven't had enough sleep. I take it your husband isn't deployed right now, or you would've mentioned that? If he is, then you already know that can cause behavioral problems in your daughter and you'd need to be even more patient and attentive to taking care of your needs, as well. Lastly, thank you to you and your wonderful marine husband for your commitment to our country!! Obviously he is a hero for what he's doing, but you, Mom, are the unsung hero. You have a hard job, but it sounds like you're up to the challenge. God bless you and your family.

I can understand your frustrations. I tried several things with my daughter when she began the "I want to do it" phase. First, we started the night time routine 30 minutes earlier. Then, I set a reward for getting ready within that 30 minutes, for us it was reading another book before bed. This seemed to work pretty effectively. Now that my daughter is 4, she loves to play the reverse psychology game. For instance, I say, "you better not get your pjs on". She giggles and gets dressed and parades around her room. Then I pretend to be mad and say, "you are in so much trouble". Recently, we did have to set up a situation for when I was not playing the game, just told her we're not playing and mommy doesn't joke about that. She loves it. She now tells me as she giggles, "Mommy, tell me not to put on my pjs," etc. I went from dreading putting her to bed to laughing and giggling with her.

Good luck!

Sounds exactly like a typical three year old to me! Four will be better. Here is the trick. Mommies get upset, but they should not show it. Be an actress! Act like the perfect mom and you take the ammo out of her gun as well as diffuse the tension. She will feel that. You are the grown up. She is three.

Oorah Devil Dog family! I was in when I had my first two children. Not easy and a grateful and proud THANK YOU goes to your hubby and you! As far as the behavior, your daughter in not unlike many other children. They test the waters. They will continue to do so until they find somewhere they can get away with things. This may have a lot to do with the fact that she senses your frustration (single parenting while hubby is gone for any type of excursion, weekend exercise - CAX, or longer term). The staying calm is important, VERY difficult, but important! The more she gets a rise out of you, the more she will like doing it. Ignore her altogether when it is just verbal. When she becomes pokey, it is punishment time. Corner, no toys, no disny movies, whatever you know she loves and would hate to lose for any length of time. The length of time could be for the night/day what you think will affect her and last! Good luck & God Bless You all three!!!!

This is totally normal for this age. They start to want to do everything for themselves even when they can't. It's a catch-22 cuz you want them to learn but it can be so time consuming and frustrating, but it is the only way they can learn. One suggestion, maybe you can tell her she can do it by herself and you will do it at the same time to show her how step by step. So give her the shirt and get your own shirt at the same time and say "Ok, first hold the shirt like this with the tag in the back, then put your head through here, then put your right arm in here, etc. That way you are helping her but not physically touching her so it seems to her like she's doing it herself and she is. Make it fun - maybe in front of a mirror so she can see what she's doing. Hang in there!

Hi E.,

I, too, had a strong-willed daughter. I just kept saying my mantra: "This is a good characteristic for a grown woman". Just work with her and, like you're doing, try not to squelch her independence. Also, try to limit the times when you're rushed so you can let her do as much as possible. She'll get more experience dressing as time goes by so it won't always be this difficult. Watch and enjoy her as a unique person. Also, remember that her laughter is better than tears and whining. Just laugh with her and enjoy your personality-plus daughter.

V.