My Four Year Old Son Is Very Needy

Sounds to me like he is running the house. You are getting ready to go out
and he won't dress himself or attempt to, don't go out. Leave him in the
same clothes, even if it is for a day or two. Don't give in to him. Make sure
you do this when you do not have to be somewhere. Do not give in.

Eating; you have to feed him. No way. He won't feed himself, then he does
not eat. He will not starve. Trust me. Again stick to your guns. Do not give
in. He screams for you because he knows you will "save" him. Not his
Dad.

If you are going to do laundry, just tell him before hand and if he keeps
calling and calling, just ignore.

Remember you are the adult, he is the child. You call the shots. Not him.

either watch a parenting discipline video....such as "1-2-3 Magic" OR seek assistance from your doctor/school district - they both will have helpful info on how to teach yourself how to discipline your child.

While part of this is normal 4 y.o. behavior, it is out of hand & you are the only one who can turn this around. A happy child is a well-disciplined, well-structured child, which then allows for Mommy's sanity to be present each day.

Time to give him ownership of his actions. If he doesn't get dressed, then take him in his pjs. If you have a choice of taking him or leaving him at home with dad, then leave him. Another option would be to split the dressing chores in 1/2, do your part & encourage him to do his......& if he doesn't comply, then he goes "as is".

As for him "calling" for you, do you just go & do whatever you want/need to do? With my daycare, I always make sure the kids know when I am transitioning from one thing to another....even if it's just diaper changes or meal prep.

Talking incessantly is part of 4y.o.s! Sounds like it's time to get him into a good preschool which will eliminate a lot of your issues, will give you some time without him, & will prepare him for KG next year. A lot of what you've written about seems to lean toward a breakdown or lack of parental discipline, a lack of patience on your part (his talking, etc), & just a general need to change how you approach things.

As soon as you see him cycling into his "maniac mode", use one set method & stick with it. Continuity is your best friend when it comes to parenting & discipline. & #1 rule: never, ever let them see you sweat ......or raise your voice. They've won the game at that point!

I had a similar experience w/ my 4 year old. I realized in my situation - I created her dependency. She did dress herself - just slowly... but seemed very "needy" and wanting me all the time. I had to set some rules and boundaries. Calmly explained them to her - outside of the heat of the moment (i.e. dinner). She needed to sit with us and eat in her chair. If she didn't want dinner fine, but no snacks after... and stuck to it. It only took once... With getting dressed, if she wasn't ready, I took her to the car w/ her shoes off - and she again did it only once... Once I set rules and CALMY (the hard part) held to them, she got right on board. She's my first and she's strong willed - which I've learned she needs more structure and expectation setting (and follow up) than most kids. Life is much better now... Good luck!

Hi M.,
I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. As I was reading this, I was thinking, "Who is in my head?" I am going through the same thing here, except it is a brother and not a sister. I will tell you, I will not feed him. He keeps asking, but I won't do it. He does eat on his own or he will go hungry. I know part of it is jealousy, but I have also asked our school district (with a formal letter) to have a full evaluation for his behavior. I have my son in a pre-school 2 days a week. It is mostly playtime for him, but it really helps me stay sane. You may want to look into something. If you find a "cure", please let me know.
Good luck
L.

Well one thing I've learned about 4 year-olds (I have one) is that they apparently all to this to some degree. It's about using the days you have with him now to teach him right from wrong. Kids needs structure and consistency...it makes them feel safe. He is feeling out who's in charge, how far he can push, and what he can get away with. If you can, try not to get frustrated with him during things like dinner and getting dressed (well at least not frustrated on the outside that he can sense).

Likely the getting dressed thing is a little jealousy that you dress his sister but don't dress him anymore. So if he waits long enough or makes a big enough deal about it, he knows you'll come in and dress him, just like he wants...even though he's getting negative attention at that point because likely you're frustrated with him by then. He's still getting what he wanted. I have started "helping" my son get dressed first (before his little sister). He can do it himself, but like your son, wants more attention. Try things like how fast can you put your shirt on...or put on pants the silly way (2 legs in 1 hole), then fix them...it doesn't really matter how you do it. But starting with him and getting him finished will help you tremendously so that you aren't having to drag him out of the house. Just dedicate more time to his getting dressed to lessen the frustration of the situation.

Regarding dinner - try to stay firm on this issue or the games will never stop. I make my son dinner and we sit at the table together, regardless of whether he says he's not hungry or doesn't like what I made or anything else. If he doesn't want to eat his food, he doesn't have to, I save it for a couple of hours, and if he's hungry later, he can eat that same food. No just picking and choosing what he eats if he didn't eat his dinner. Keep it calm and consistent - no need to get frustrated, those are just the rules. That way when/if he gets hungry later, he can eat the healthy food I made. He can also have a piece of whole fruit if he wants, but no juice/applesauce/crackers/granola bar or anything else until his veggies and protein are almost gone.

Hi, M.:

He senses your frustration.
Is there a mommy's group in your area?
Is there any way that you combine helping both
of your children in the same area.
Can you organize things together like if they were twins.
Hope this helps.
D.

DM's advice is great, especially the part about explaining the rules when things are calm, not during a fuss or meal or dressing time, and the advice to stay calm yourself. He will quickly learn you mean business if you stay calm-- much more so than if you yell at him, which will make him louder and wilder. Staying calm is hard to do but more effective.

I note that you say he is refusing to get dressed when you're busy dressing the baby. That sounds like classic "Mom's giving the baby attention and not me, and I KNOW I can get her attention by not dressing and lying on the floor screaming." So don't give him any attention when he does it. Again, hard to do when you want to get somewhere. If the places you're going are things like play dates or kids' classes for him, etc., things he enjoys, tell him he has to miss the fun and then stick to it -- no outing if he isn't dressed by the time a timer goes off or whatever. And follow immediately with a calmly enforced time out (four minutes -- one for each year of his age) followed by a mandatory, even if somewhat grudging, apology from him to you. (The "Supernanny" Jo Frost has very good timeout rules and tips, look her up.)

If it's somewhere you just have to be, DM's advice about going out barefoot (you'd have his shoes hidden in your bag, of course) if needed, or in pajamas, is good. I know parents who swore a time or two of that made kids realize they really were more comfortable in clothes!

Timeout (one minute for ever year old he is, set a timeout spot, set the timer and the time doesnt start until he is sitting down)? He is old enough to dress himself, feed himself, play by himself, and even bath himself with minimal help. I think you need to put your foot down and be the mommy and stop letting him take advantage of you. I also think you deserve some Mommy time. Can your husband watch them for an hour or so? So you can get a cup of coffee with a friend or even run an errand by yourself? This does wonders for me.

Uh oh... you're describing my 3 1/2 year old, and I was told it gets BETTER when they turn 4... that sound is my bubble bursting. :)

I wonder if he is the kind of child who might respond well to a reward chart? For something like getting dressed, he knows that you aren't going to leave him in the house, so he's totally got the power. Maybe if you set up something where he gets a sticker for his chart every day he gets dressed and then he can trade them in for whatever his treat of choice is. I would try this for getting dressed, getting in the bath willingly and sitting at the table.

As for the talking all the time and constantly calling for you, I have no advice. Sometimes I just try to remember that when she's 14, she won't ever want to talk to me, and smile.

Good luck!

Ummm...Why would a four year old be independent? I mean he's four not 14. I think I could understand he might need help bathing and dressing because he's a toddler, not because he's being "needy". Maybe he feels like you spend more time and attention on your younger child instead of on him? (I think boys this age tend to cleave more to their moms because it's a developmental thing.) If you are in a hurry and you know you have two children to get ready, then you need to be the responsible parent and give yourself more time. You have no right to get upset with him because you are in a time crunch. Kids are not robots.
Dinner times can be difficult for picky eaters but you must work through them. I don't think you or your husband are helping the situation if you are removing him from the family time during dinner to suffer alone in his room.
If you worry that your son is overly active, then perhaps a trip to his pediatrican would help calm your nerves.
If you feel overwhelmed during your day to day activites, perhaps you should seek professional advice.
Good luck in whatever you decide. Poor little guy!

This seems to be an issue that many 4 year old boys go through. We went through something very similar. I think the tough part is that sometimes we give in because we just don't want to hear the whining and our name being called over and over again. My suggestion is to change the way you are doing things. Give it a few days and I think you will notice a difference. You have to be consistent and you have to show him that you are the boss. Kids are looking for boundaries and limits and they often push those when they don't know where the boundaries lie.

I would tell him what your expectations are. You want him to dress himself. You can decide if you want to lay out the clothes for him, etc. It's up to you. You are the momma and you get to make the decisions. I would also tell him that he's not allowed to yell for you, to whine, etc. These are bad habits that kids establish at home. My son doesn't whine at preschool. I know that for a fact. They learn to "work it" with parents, so show him who's the boss.

I think some type of preschool program would be wonderful for your son! He would really get some satisfaction and be so proud of himself for the independence he will achieve there. It is not normal for a four yr old to want to be fed, and he should have already learned that Mommy has not left him she will return shortly from the laundry room or bathroom.
Yes some of this if just trying desperately to get your attention away from the baby. Make sure you give him one on one time when baby is sleeping or Dad is home with baby. Stress that it is time to do big boy stuff like read a story and discuss it, or help Mommy at the grocery store, or do a puzzle. Create special things that are only for big boys not babies like a sticker chart he can earn stickers for SIMPLE things like putting his pajamas in the hamper and brushing his own teeth. (not the problem areas yet - it is a reward for being the oldest) Use a timer when you go to the laundry room etc tell him you will be back when the timer rings, his job is to call you when the timer goes off! Praise him for a job well done if he can wait till the timer goes off then call you. Make a game out of getting dressed -have him right next to you while you dress the baby and say I bet you cant get your pants on before I count to 18. Oh no, you won! I bet you cant get your shirt on before I count to 25! Now both socks before I get the babies socks on. You cant beat me this time I'm gonna do it fast Make sure he always wins and praise how fast he is! I think it is asking too much to have him get dressed completely without constant reminders. I always use the timer to make decisions not me, five more minutes to play then bath time when it rings, they argue less with a timer. If my son takes a bath and gets his pajamas on quickly he can watch a 10 minute video before bed, If the clock says ,,, then we have time for the video. Hopefully his behavior will get better as time goes on but I would continue time out the second he starts screaming at the dinner table.