3 Year Old Wont Acknowledge Grandparents

They best thing do tell them to respond to the kids that are excited to see them! Say hello to her as they are receiving love from the other children and tell them to make a big deal about them comment on how much they have grown ect. Tell them not to acknowledge her or try and force affection from her. Soon the 3 yr old will feel like she is missing out and will want Grandparents to see how much she has grown and will come to them seeking their approval and affection!

My son tends to favor one set of grandparents over the other. It seems to have more to do with his favorite activity and who is connected to it. My mother-in-law is cookie grandma. Needless to say, Grandpa gets dissed the minute he walks in the door. Recommend they hold a favorite toy or stickers or favorite book or something that truly sparks the child's interest, that something not being sugar, though.

I feel bad for my father-in-law. He's probably the proudest grandparent of them all; however, to a 2 1/2 year old, he's just kind of boring.

Good luck. Hopefully, they'll deter from bribery and just interact more on her level.

She's 3 years old!!!! Give the girl a break and tell the grandparents to get over it!!! There is no rule that she has to run into their arms....punishing and bribing for hugs??!! give me a break-- yes let's teach kids to run up to adults who have candy and ice cream.....

Okay, first we role model how our kids are to behave. Do you get excited when you go and see them? Do you give out hugs and kisses when greeting? This would be the first thing I would start doing if in fact that is what you expect from her.

Secondly, it appears there isn't a strong bond there, so I would suggest more frequent visits even if not very long. This makes the greeting with them not such a special thing and then just a "hi and a smile" may suffice and no uncomfortableness for anyone. If that doesn't help or isn't an option, then try leaving her with them alone for short periods of time so that they can bond without you there. If you don't feel comfortable with them watching her without you, then perhaps she shouldn't be hugging and kissing on them. If you trust, then she will too.

Grandparents have every right to feel hurt. Your daughter has every right to feel the way she does. You are doing great by seeking out solutions so that the people you love aren't hurt. So I say Kuddos to you and I agree that any form of discipline, manipulation, or treats is wrong.

I had this same problem with both my kids. My inlaws are in the same town as us and kids saw them about 3 times a week and spent every Sunday afternoon alone with them. They get excited when they are around and give hugs & kisses as freely as with us. My parents live about 30 minutes away and kids see them about 2-4 hours every month. So, when we got there, they acted shy and nervous for about an hour then they would loosen up. I now take them to see them at least once a week even if it is just for 30 minutes. They seem to remember them and now give out hugs often to them as well. They do favor my dad over my mom, but it is because my dad is goofy and rolls on the floor with them all the time. So, I know how uncomfortable it can be. Hope this helps and good luck to you and your little one.

Which set of grandparents is this, your parents or his? Whichever they belong to, that person shouod have a firm talk with them and advise them to grow up and stop trying to be the number one person with this child. If she is this way with others, they should just step line. Adults should act like adults and these people have been around long enough to know that. If they truly love this child more than themselves they will enjoy just sitting around watching her, then, and only then, will she come around.

I'm a grandma and what you say is true but I must tell you that it's very hard not to let disappointment show. Luckily, both of my oldest have 2 children each so I usually divert my attentions to the receptive one and it's not long before that "sibling rivalry" kicks in and we're all having fun. If that's not an option, have them try starting some activity (by themselves) that will draw the interest of your daughter.
This is typical behaviour for that age and it won't take long before another phase kicks in and this one will be forgotten. My oldest daughter wouldn't let my father touch her for the longest time and this was very frustrating for him. The problem? He wore glasses. Her pedi wore glasses and she had just had a very rough time with an illness followed by her immunizations. For some reason, she associated the glasses with feeling uncomfortable. It took several months but it passed and she ended up being closer to my parents than any of the other grandchildren. (still is)
The only correction that would be appropriate is if she doesn't acknowledge them at all when they speak to her which shows a lack of respect. Since it's never too early to learn respect, a reminder that she is being spoken to (may need to be repeated if she's totally engrossed in something) should be all that is needed.
For your peace of mind, I think my 16 year old son said it best when he was around 10. Out of the blue one day he asked me if "I was going to tell him how to raise his kids when he got old". My response was "As your mother, I'll always express my opinion but it's up to you whether you listen or not". He was quiet for a bit and then said "OK. When I get married, you can come live with me." I have no idea what brought up the topic and it hasn't been mentioned since. It's just one of those things that young minds come up with!

my daughter is 4 yrs old and does the samething with my mother's parents.i think it is just a phase!she will give my grandma a hug,but not ackowledge my grandfather.it kind of bothers me,but my grandfather always says "its okay!".once they are their awhile then she will open up,and when they leave then she tells them bye.

My boys were the same way at that age, especially with the grandparents they only saw a few times a year. It's normal for small children to be uneasy with adults who are not their parents, and those they don't see on a daily basis. Any loving grandparent should realize this. The kids usually warm up later in the visit. The thought of scolding a child for not showing affection according to someone else's guidelines is very harsh. My inlaws started in with the "bribing" thing and I put a quick stop to it. I want my kids to love their grandparents because of the companionship and love they give my kids, not for the things they give them. Stop worrying and let your daughter feel what she wants to feel in her own time. Let the grandparents act their age and get over it.

She's 3!! My son has always done this (he's 3.5)- even with DH & me! when he's ready, he'll come to us. the bribery, punishment, etc only give them more power. we learned to just walk away and not let it bother us, though it was not easy to get past at first. he usually stops throwing the fit or whatever he's doing and comes to us nicely and apologizes. then we go on with our lives like nothing ever happenned.

best of luck!

Hi, Two things come to mind about this.

#1 Maybe she doesn't see them enough to feel comfortable around them? I had a set of grandparents like that, we didn't visit very much and when we did, all us kids were very shy.

#2 Something has happened to scare her. No reflection on the grandparents, but maybe something was said or done to make her afraid.

Have you tried talking to her about it? I know she's young, but you might be surprised at what she can communicate.

In the meantime, if you can convince the grandparents to not rush her, to let her go to them in her own time, that should help. They are adults and should be able to figure out the child needs some space.

Good luck!

my daughter did the same to my dad (only him for some reason) and she eventually grew to love her pawpaw... just be patient and have her around them as much as you can so she gets used to them... feelings were hurt at times and I always felt just awful, but now we just laugh about it

This sounds like a typical 3 year old phase (I've gone through two so far myself, the third coming next year). The important thing to remember is to train the grandparents!!!

Of course, this is hard to do (1) because the gp's are used to the other children being affectionate and (2) they have their own ideas of how they should be treated. If you talk to them about how strong-willed their granddaughter is (maybe a reflection of some family traits?? heehee) and explain that she will get over it in her own time, it should get better. Suggest alternate ways of greeting - maybe a high-five or they do a little dance together, something that doesn't involve touching that your daughter already likes to do. It could be the special "grandma greeting" that only she gets to do!

Discourage the treats & presents - my in-laws started that with my oldest and when she was 5 she walked into their house and demanded, "What did you get me, Grandma??" No Hi or Hello Grandma, not even a hug. I was furious and sat her down for a talk about manners right then. Grandma said to forget about it, but since then she's let up on the presents every time we visit (which is at least once a week!), so I think even Grandma got the hint.
Of course, it's a grandparent right to spoil the grandchildren. You may have to get used to it. But if your child reacts the way mine did, you may have to explain to Grandma that she fostered such "gimme" behavior by bringing all the treats!

Hang in there!

My 3-year-old is decidedly partial to one set of grandparents (my parents). Part of it is that they relate to small children better, and part of it is that he's spent a lot more time with them (he and I lived with them one summer while my husband was out of state in school). He can also play favorites between my parents--just last night he wanted to talk to "GP" and "Dain" (his names for my dad and mom), so we called. My dad answered and my son talked happily to GP. Then my mom got on the phone and said hi, and my son said, "No, Dain! I talking to GP. You leave me 'lone!"

I was appalled...although not surprised, because he's done this before. Mom, though, took it in stride like she always does. She simply said, "Ok, good-bye!" and stayed on the phone but didn't say anything more. She just lets him do his thing, because she knows he loves her even if he can be rude as heck. My dad and I both let him know that what he'd done was mean and we were disappointed, and then we simply continued the conversation. We can't make him talk to anyone, anymore than anyone can make your daughter run to her grandparents with open arms. Our children are at the age where they're learning to be independent and that they get to make their own choices, but not at the age where they've got a well-developed sense of empathy. It's up to the adults to understand that. You're right that neither punishment nor bribery is going to change your daughter's behavior, and the grandparents need to have a little patience and understand that every child is not the same.

Hi Mina,

I think they should say hello and smile at her initially, when they visit, but from a safe distance and then let her have her space and comfort zone. Plenty of children are like this and the "forced" closeness always backfires... you're so right about that. She's her own little person and they need to make it less about their feelings (hello, they are grown ups)and more about giving her the patience she requires. If they go on about their visit with the rest of the family after saying hello, eventually she may bring them a favorite puzzle or book and engage them in her own way and at her own speed. A subtle, patient approach (even when it's difficult) will build a wonderful bond over time. I know first hand how hard this can be though, as I have had to do this myself.

Good luck helping them understand - I know it's easier said then done. It will get better!

~ T. K.

Hi Mina,
My daughter would not hug her Grandpa... I used it as a teachable moment. I pulled her aside and told her that I will NEVER make her hug or kiss anyone. That If she feels unconfortable she has the right to say "No" and I will back her up every time.
I also encouraged her to talk to me whenever someone wanted to hug her or kiss her and she didnt want to.
Explain your position to the grandparents and back your girl. This lesson might serve her well later...
Good luck!
T. S.

My 3 yr old granddaughter does the same. I think it is a phase. when we go see her, it takes her a while to warm up to us, then she is fine. A lot of what causes our issue is her mom. She and my son have split up and thus she wont let us take our granddaughter for outings with just us. So i think that because "mom" is always present when we see out grandaughter, she of course will prefer her. On the few times I have had my grandaughter alone, she runs to me and plays and is delightful. At these times, she perceives me as her "caretaker" and thus is much more attached.

As we all love our grandchildren, I know it hurts, but i wouldnt read too much into it. This too shall pass....

Hi my name is B. and I have a 7 yr. old little boy who was terrified of my step-dad when he was little. My step-dad is like my real dad and we saw this set of grandparents all the time so it wasn't like we never saw them. It was really bad and I felt really sad for my dad. My son would scream and cry when my dad came close to him. Forget trying to even get warmed up. It would not happen. My son was 4 1/2 yrs. old before this stopped. My mom and dad were patient although I know my dad was bothered by it. My s-dad never had any kids and always wanted a little boy. So when Noah came along he was soooo excited!! I do think that this whole problem embarresed me more than anything. Although I do not have a solution I wanted you to know this does happen to other people. Be patient, and tell the grandparents to be patient as well this will pass!! B.

Train the grandparents... scolding a child for having feelings and protecting her own personal space seems wrong to me. How would they feel if someone tried to force affections on them?

Speaking from a grandmother's perspective, it is very hurtful to be ignored by a grandchild you love and spend quality time with. The child doesn't have to "run to your arms," though that would be nice. But parents should insist that the child acknowledge the grandparent and greet him or her politely. A 3 year old is not too young to learn manners.

Hi my daughter did the same thing but she only did it towards her grandfather.She never wanted to go to him.I didn't know why.She was a little younger about 1 1/2 years old.Then one day she just grew out of it.She got more comfortable and she wouln't leave her grandfahter alone.I don't know if its a phase they grow through.She will open up to them soon.

Hi Mina,

I basically agree with the other moms/dads; and appreciate all the comments myself. Their comments help me stay focused, you see I have a 21 month old daugther and I have a guy friend that she's not real crazy about and shys away from, we've only been around him twice and I can tell she not confortable with him. I do beleive he only means well, but then again we never know now do we...I am a people pleasure and do not like to hurt peoples feelings but am learning quickly that when it comes to my little girl, it's not about me or anyone else; it's about her. So in the future, I will be offering the suggestion to basically, like the other mom's said, just let her be until she notices you, and should she be interested in you, she will come check you out, if not, well, maybe next time. Again, these people are grown ups themselves...they shouldn't feel rejection because of a little person not being interested in them due to who knows why...God Bless you all, TammyT & Brooke Jolie:)

Mina,
My daughter is now 10 and I had that same problem with one set of grandparents. I have found that there is really not much you can do about it, especially when there is a battle of wills. The only thing you can do for your sanity is to remember that it is their problem that they are upset with this, not yours. Don't let them make their problem, your problem. Just keep doing your best as a parent and detatch yourself from everybody's emotions. It sounds harsh and it was a tough challenge for me who is so heartfelt about everything and everyone, but you will find in time that it will all work out.
You're a mom and no matter if you stay at home or work full time, you are stressed enough without this. Relax and enjoy your childs freedom of expression ~ God bless and good luck!

Mina,

I really believe you are already on the right track!
My 18mo. old daughter takes a long time to warm up as well!
We visited Canada for four weeks, and it took her a long time to warm up! When people just left her alone, she would come around! She might not be a touchy feely kind of gal! I have had to recegnize this with my own daughter! She is very affectionate with my husband son, and I! However to people she doesn't see everyday, she can be very standoffish!
I applaud you for not wanting to reward her for "normal" behavior! It is hard from the grandparents as well!

She is possibly feeding off of their disappointment, and she is at the age, to be having fun with this! If I react or behave like this, what will happen!

Keep pluggin away!

Your little three year old is just being a little three year old. All kiddoes are different and she is testing waters. Be really sweet when you suggest to the grandparents that they sit back and give her a chance to come to them without pressure. I imagine your daughter is enjoying the power she has in this situation. There are friendly ways grandparents can draw the child in. Subtlety will work for them if they will give it a try. Best wishes. This situation can turn around very quickly.

B. K.

PS: I love the story Glenda K. tells in her last paragraph.

My nephew was and is that way....and he is 6! Some kids just don't warm up as fast as others. I would talk with the grandparents. It has nothing to with them personally! They need to come in, ignore her, and let her come to them! In time, she will get over her shyness and run to them like they want her too!

I wouldn't stress about this too much. Don't force her to show affection unless she's ready. She might feel that her privacy is being invaded when the subject is forced or she's made to do something she doesn't want to do. I too have a very strong-willed 3-yr-old and she's the same way. Now that we've moved (from tulsa,ok to leander, tx) she won't even talk to anybody on the phone, which makes it more sad for my parents and my inlaws, so I know how your grandparents are feeling. Hopefully though they understand it's not them!

I think she'll come around when she's ready but forcing her to give someone a hug or affection is clearly not the right thing to do, which by ignoring her is probably the best solution! If you don't make it a big deal then she won't make it a big deal. And, if she sees you give her grandparents a hug or show affection she'll now it's an accepted thing to do and will soon follow suit..hopefully!!

Good luck and best wishes!

She absolutely must not be made to feel bad about this. She's been punished? Oy vey, poor little girl! She is a little person and although societal rules say you must respond to others as they treat you, it's wrong. She should be allowed to do her own thing and have her own feelings, not pushed into a mold of the 'perfect child.' Just because she doesn't respond the same as the other children does not mean she doesn't love them. They should NOT take it personally!

They should say hello and be nice, but let her offer a hug rather then forcing themselves on her.

As a child I was always forced to hug and kiss my parents MANY MANY times a day. They did this BECAUSE they knew I didn't like it. It only further pushed me away from them.

Also, because I was told to respect and obey my elders and was forced to endure unwanted physical affection, when my teacher started kissing me on the lips I let him do it! I didn't like it and my mom told me that many people kiss children on the lips and he doesn't mean anything by it. She told me to suggest he stop but he wouldn't, made me feel bad about rejecting his affections, and so I let him keep kissing me. Then he raped me.

S., mom to four girls ages 1,3,4,5

In my opinion you have received some good advice - especially from Debbie.
Play it cool, protect your child and remove her from grandparent disciplining or rewarding if they try to take control or bribe - as you remain pleasant but firm. You are the parent and primary caregiver - not the grandparents. If they insist on overruling you, just remove your child for a walk, game, or other excuse to remove her from the situation.

I am also a grandparent and know the boundaries...love them, allow them space when they want it, and always abide by the parents' wishes when given the privilege of grandparenting the little one. (They are great parents so this is easy to do.)

God bless you, Mina.
M. T

Just let her be herself. Not all kids are touchy feely. Give her time and she will come around. Tell grandpa and grandma that she is a child and they are the adults, they should realize everybody in this world is different. Who knows maybe when the grandchildren are all teenagers she will be their closest. Chill out grammy, put your feelings on hold, your daughter could be just as hurt being forced to do something she is not comfortable with. Good luck.