4 Year Old Daughter with Anger Issues at Bedtime

Oh dear please stop spanking you daughter! I'm really not saying that to be mean and if you were my best friend I would say the same thing. I seriously doubt your daughter is purposely misbehaving. Is she overtired, did she get enough to eat, did you wind things down before taking her to bed like turning off any noise, lights, do you all have a routine like massage, reading, singing quietly, giving her a "10" minute warning that bedtime is coming near, talking about your day or just cuddling??

Spanking, punishing, time outs...those are all things that will just escalate the problem.

It's good that your boyfriend is removing himself from this but if you both approach this is a loving and caring manner, maybe she will respond better to it. I would have a heart to heart with my teenage daughter before bed; not my 4 y/o. Meaning, bring yourself down to her age level per se and think about what your little girl would respond to like soft music or telling a funny little story.

I think the other posters were right on to have a routine...a sweet, loving one. This should be bath, books, back rub and lots of love. I probably wouldn't sleep if I was yelled at, spanked, put in time out or had my toys taken away. This should be your special time with her....keep the boyfriend and his discipline away.

I agree with other posters that she needs a bed time routine, bath, snack,stories, same time same routine every night, it should be a special time for the two of you. start it early so you are not rushing thru it and have plenty of time for books and songs in the quiet of her room. and make sure she is not over tired some times going to bed earlier helps.
Talk to her (at other times of the day when she's not upset) about how she feels at bedtime, is she scared, or jealous of you spending time alone with boyfriend instead of her? She may have nightmares and not know how to explain them. My son started talking about "bad movies" when he was four and I realized he was talking about dreams.
Read lots of books like "Clara Ann Cookie go to Bed" and "Go To Bed" with the theme of animals and children who don't want to go to bed, and Go to Sleep, Where do Bears Sleep?, Elmo's Big Bed with the theme of going to bed, being tucked in to bed by some one you love. Good luck, ask me if you want book titles.

Does she nap? Maybe by bedtime, she is just OVER-tired. Over-tired kids, actually get more fussy/tantrum and cannot wind down nor go to sleep well.

Do you have a regular daily night time bed-time routine? If not then do that. The SAME routine everynight.

Forewarn her... about bedtime. ie: "Bedtime in half hour..." and then cue her. Make everything quiet and dark and boring, turn everything off except 1 lamp.

Let her wind-down before bed. No kid, can instantly change their mindset and instantly go to bed, without warning. So cue her... transition her. First.
If she is playing with something... tell her "In 15 minutes, we will put away and get ready for bed.... finish up what you are doing...." Thereby, 'transitioning' her that bedtime is coming up. Give her time, to finish what she is doing....

Maybe she needs more 'structure' before bed. Thus, having a ROUTINE about bedtime... and what to do, may help. At this age, don't just expect her to get her ready herself. Help her, assist her, cue her, etc. She is young.... so help 'organize' her as she is getting ready for bed....

Do something quiet and calm before bed. Not any horse-play.

Does she do this ONLY at bedtime????

dinner,
no tv,
dim lights,
soothing music,
clean up toys,
p.j.s,
brush teeth,
get clothes ready for tommorrow,
read stories,
kiss stuffed animals good night,
say prayers or sing a lullaby,
turn off the lights.
Do the same thing the same way for 2 weeks and put her to bed by 7:30 which means you start dinner by 5:30 and cleaning up toys and putting on Pjs by 6:30. If you do this for 2 weeks and stay consistent, I bet you won't have any more anger issues.

Hi A.,

Get a timer and set it 30 min to an hour before bed time. Get her in her PJ's after dinner, do your playing, reading, TV (what your evening ritual may be). Let her listen to what the bell on the time sounds like in advance. Tell her she can stay up until the timer goes off and then it’s time for her to jump into bed.

I sense a red flag about the boyfriend who "backed off the discipline because he's afraid he might go off the deep end." That's a bit scary.

Blessings....

Wow, that must be some behavior! First, if she only has this issue at one time of the day, then no doctor would give her meds, unless she is evaluated for a sleep issue, and that is appropriate, who knows.

I am assuming that you are afraid that this is an ADHD issue. Please know, ADHD should not be handled by your pediatrician, it should be evaluated by a team of professionals who do a multi factored evaluation of all kinds of areas to make this diagnosis through either a Developmental Pediatrician, or a Board Certified Child Psychiatrist. No child should go in to the pediatrician, have Mom do ten minutes of talking to the doctor, and walk out with some letters to define them and a script. That is not how it works, and if it ever happens, find a new doctor!

You might try a play therapist. Maybe a few sessions with one would ease your mind about what is going on, or get you some answers and strategies to try. If you have anything more global to worry about than a very strong dislike of bed time, a play therapist could guide you in the right direction.

M.

Not sure if you already do it, but my daughter needs a bedtime routine. It helps wonders. Before she started school, I would let her go to bed whenever, and sometimes there were battles. But school started and I knew she needed her sleep so I started a routine.

If you haven't done that, I highly suggest that. I also like to give my daughter a heads up before the routine. Giving a little a warning doesn't make it so abrupt and then she has an easier time adjusting.

A structured routine in what I too would recommend and yes even on weekends.

dr. sears has lots of advice that can help. it's good your boyfriend has backed off, knowing your limitations is good, though he could probably benefit from learning some calming techniques too.

here is a book I recommend and his website with some discipline tips as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t060300.asp

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

My son never liked to go to bed if anyone was staying up later. He was always afraid he miss something. We all always got up early, so we'd start the bedtime routine about 7:30 (bath (sometimes we'd play a long time in the bath), jammies, brush teeth, use bathroom, read story (Daddy would come in during story for a hug and a kiss and sometimes he stayed to hear the story, too) and aim for light's out for about 8:30. At first he wanted me to lay down with him, and he'd fall asleep pretty fast. Later I could just sit near him, then go to my own bed after 10-15 min. Same routine every day, week days and week ends.

My 4 year old has also been very irritable and angry at the end of the day, because she is overtired and not getting a nap. I agree totally about having a routine, giving her warnings, and making sure she is getting enough sleep (10 - 12 hours is recommended). Let her know the routine, start a chart and give stickers for good behavior. Make bedtime special by reading her a couple of books and snuggling before saying goodnight. Good luck!

ONE MORE THING
It's not a good idea for a boyfriend/step parent to do the disciplining. You're the parent, you do it. You don't want her to resent him.