:) - Wake Forest, NC

My husband sounds just like that. He is a christian man, who believes in God but hates to go to church. He always feels that they just want money and do not really care about the people. I think the trick is to find a church that you are both comfortable with. When we first married-18years ago- we only attended the church that I grew up in. I offered to let him choose one but he feels that they are all same. I need to have the connections of belonging to a church. We just relocated to Knoxville, TN so I am searching for a church that he might be more comfortable in. Would you consider going more often if you were more comfortable in a church. Also religion is so much more that just attendance at a church, it is the way you live your life. I hate when I see people put on one demeanor for church on Sunday then as soon as they get home or go to work on Monday they are being less than what they show at church. I feel that God is always watching everything you say and do. If you are mean spirited at work God knows and just putting on a friendly, nice face at church does not change what you did the rest of the week. Maybe you could point out to your husband the things that your doing during the week that shows your a christian, volunteering to help someone, helping out a a shelter of some sort, whatever you do. Good Luck!

Hi -
I'm a little baffled by your question. You say you enjoy church when you go, and that you really love your husband. I'm confused as to why you aren't willing to go to church then on Sundays like he would like. It would be one thing if you really didn't like it, but since you do, I'm kind of confused as to why this is an issue for you. Marriage involves compromise - and a lot of changing from what you were "used to" and how you grew up. Both sides have to do that - give up some of their expectations based on their childhoods, etc. If I were talking to him, I'd suggest that he compromise a little with you too (maybe skip one Sunday a month or something), but since I'm answering you, I'd say, go to church with him! It seems like such a minor request and something that would really make him happy. You love him, you want a great marriage - make some adjustments! He's going to want to raise your children in church as well - it will be even more important to him then. I think you'd be better off finding a way to make it a better experience for you as well. Even though you say you like it when you go, it sounds like you don't find it to be all that relevant to your life. Maybe you would feel more connected if you got involved with a home group or some aspect of the church - make some friendships, or develop a sense of purpose. Most churches have some kind of ministry to the community. Maybe if you got involved in that, you'd develop a sense of purpose as far as going to church - it would be a lot more relevant to you - and both of you would be much happier. Either way, though, part of growing up is learning to make sacrifices and meeting other people's needs and not just your own. You will have a baby soon and get a HUGE dose of that. Most of the time you will find that when you give of yourself for others, it returns to you many times over. But even if it doesn't, you will still be better off - on your way to some maturity and wisdom (which will do you good the rest of your life).
Congrats on your marriage and pregnancy! God bless.

Hi Newlywed,
Two things struck me when I was reading your request. First, why are you fighting this so much? It is one hour, maybe two depending on the church, a week.
Second, what is the real reason you do not want to go. Your story just does not seem to add up. You say you enjoy going but it is not something you want to do. What is the reason you are leaving out.
I don't agree with your husband's guilt tripping you. THat being said, that may be the only thing he can think of to get you in church.
I would suggest doing two things. First, you need to sit down yourself and really figure out why you do not want to go to church. Do you not like the church, are you tired, do you just want a lazy day..... Then, sit down with your husband and discuss this insight and figure out where to go from there. Ex. If you feel you are too tired, maybe he can take over some chores on Saturday so you can get more rest and are not so tired on Sunday.
I hope this did not come across too harsh and I hope it helps.
Betsy

I had the opposite situation.... I converted to Judaism before I married my husband. I wanted to attend Temple every Friday night and he grew up Reform (liberal) and did not want to go. I told him that I would not feel comfortable in the Temple unless we went regularly for a few years. So, he relented and went with me. After awhile, I decided that twice a month was ok and he wanted to go every Friday-- he had found peace in the service. It was really interesting how he changed.

At any rate, if your new hubby wants you to go then go... if you are the same religion, what difference does it make? Is it worth all of the stress and fighting? You don't have to change your beliefs, it's only attendance and I can understand how he would feel having to go alone and not have his spouse with him. There is usually a social component to religious services as well-- perhaps it's not about you being more religious but being more social in the church and supporting him. Just my opinion.

M.

I would say I am like your husband and want to attend church every Sunday / Wednesday. I receive something new each time. My husband was raised to go to church whenever you woke up and felt ok to go that day. We have had some of this conflict when we were dating however it was something that we dealt with before we got married. He knew that I was going to go to church and that I wanted him to go with me. There is something that is not complete when we are a couple and I have to attend church without him. He made the decision that he would attend church with me and set this time aside for GOD. Like one of the other responses that you received it is only a couple of hours and it is important to him. Take the I out and change it to us. You might find giving in and not resenting the fact that you are at church a closer relationship with GOD and your husband. Once it is in your schedule and it is something that you know you are going to do it will not be such a burden. I hope this helps some.

Hello Newlywed!
I'm glad you've sought advice on this very important subject. This was something that my husband and I did not discuss before we were married. Neither of us had accepted Christ as our Saviour at that point, though we did "believe." For some time our marriage was teetering on the brink of desctruction. I didn't know if our marriage would last much longer. I held on only out of a sense of obligation.

Several years into our marriage I had a strong calling to be in church. When I finally heeded God's call I was on fire, just completely electrified by the amazing gift of grace and love that He offers to His followers! I was excited; this realization changed every aspect of my life. I wanted to share this amazing experience with my husband, but he was resistant. I sought advice from my friends who encouraged me to pray for him and allow God to change his life in God's time through my example. I did as my friend's instructed and prayed.

Over a year later my husband finally began attending church with me. He accepted Christ shortly thereafter and our relationship changed. We grew closer, stronger, even more in love. We are better spouses to one another, better parents to our children, and better friends to our neighbors. We are a united front in the name of Christ. My husband now understands why it was so important to me that he to go to church with me. We are setting the example our children will model. They learn from an early age how to conduct themselves by watching how their parents handle life. What better way than to express humility, compassion, love and understanding to your child than in your church community and elsewhere.

I pray you will follow your husband's lead. I think you will be surprised at the way your life and your relationship will improve. Just know that he's not being pushy for the sake of being pushy; he's concerned with your happiness, your marriage, and ultimately your salvation. You should be very happy to have a man like your husband. Good luck and God bless!

In God's Love,
T.

You need to go to church. You say you enjoy going when you go, it just seems like you just don't want to go because he wants you to go. That's a power struggle and it could undermine your whole marriage. It's just not worth it. You may think you don't need to go every week for yourself or for God, but you DO need to go for your husband. He wants you to go; it's a simple thing that will please him. Although I don't agree with him laying on a guilt trip, this is something you can do which will help your relationship, and is certainly not harmful. If he were asking you to go to a strip club or do drugs or get drunk with him on the weekends, you would then have a reason not to do what he wanted; but he's not asking you to do anything illegal or immoral or harmful in the slightest. Just do it. It'll be worth it.

Your spiritual relationship with your GOd does not depend on being in a church building. It depends on how you live your everyday life and your general attitude. Tell your husband to back off and when he starts, tell him he is driving a wedge between you with his insistence. You told him the perfect thing....go yourself to fulfill your needs. If he continues to say he doesn't want to go unless you go, then he is laying his spirituality onto you and it is not yours to accept or deny...it is his responsibility just as yours is your responsibility.
This is the type of thing that drove me away from Christianity.... people pressuring me to believe like they do and to be so involved in things THEY tho't were important. I went to his church with my husband when we were first married. We had totally different philosophies on life and beliefs but I went anyway. I never "joined" his church because I could not believe everything they taught but we took our blended family every Sunday for about 3 years. I finally broke away because it was so hypocritical....not only my going but not believing but others believing but not acting those beliefs.
Tolerance and diversity of others are key in a relationship. I am Nichiren Buddhist. My husband was raised Baptist but he says he feels much closer to God when he goes out to a river bank and sits and communes with God in that setting. He does his thing and I do mine and we raised our children to go to church part of the time. More importantly, we raised them to be kind and caring of others and to be tolerant of other's differences. We have 6 children and they all believe differently but they do have definite beliefs. Tolerance and kindness is the key.
Chances are your husband is not more spiritual than you are, he just comes from a background where going to church on Sunday was expected. You,it appears, comes from one where it was not. I was amazed that in this 21st century there are women advising you to "listen" to your husband like he knows more than you do. Marriage is not a dictatorship, it is a partnership. If I were setting up a compromise for you....I would say go to church with him the first Sunday, stay at home with him going to church the second, follow the one advice and have your own devotional meeting at home with your husband on the third, and let husband go to church on the 4th and do as you will, even maybe finding another church that suits you. Then if there is a 5th Sunday....go out into nature together and really see the wonders around you and talk about it together. BUT don't cave just because you feel forced into it. Going to church for the wrong reasons and being resentful the whole time you are there is worse than not going at all.
Again, how you live your life is much more important than going to some church building each week.

Dear Newlywed, My husband and I have had some talks about this because he doesn't believe we need to go every Sunday, although that's how both of us were raised. Although I don't think we "need" to go, I do think it's uplifting and enjoyable to join with others once a week worshipping, and learning, growing, and sharing. Plus, it's very important to me that we bring our kids up in the church and that we ourselves model Christ-like behavior (which includes humbly asking forgiveness when I blow it). I'm wondering why you don't want to go to church every Sunday? Is it b/c it's the only day you have to sleep in and relax a bit? Is it b/c of how you were raised? Or b/c you don't see the necessity? Start with digger deeper w/in yourself and getting to the root of why you disagree with your husband on this. Then ask yourself if your reason is good enough to potentially drive a wedge in your marriage. My husband does go every Sunday now and I appreciate him so much more and our marriage is stronger than before.

I am not a Christian. I was raised as a Baha'i. There is a Baha'i community in the Triangle area, NC (if you're local to me). However, that's just to give you some background on me and where I'm coming from.

I too do not believe that you have to attend a meeting every week to have a spiritual experience.

However, this wasn't something to take lightly when you married him. I've been married for 10 years and I met my husband through a similar situation to yours. I often thank God that we have our faith to ground us because there are quite a few things we see differently. Without a foundation in core values and beliefs I wouldn't be able to be married - probably to anyone.

I have two children and we rely on our religious and core values to parent them every day.

It's fine that you don't want to go to church. But it means a lot to your husband. You will have a stronger relationship with him if you give him this. He will feel closer to you if you let go of this and put the unity of your union before your need to be "right" and your need to pull away from organized religion. It doesn't sound like he's asking you to believe any which way. He merely wants you with him. Church is usually something that families do together and I'm sure he feels disconnected and lonely going by himself.

Marriage is all about letting go of your own ego. I haven't mastered it in any way - but I do get it. My husband loves soccer and would love for me to come to his games. I loathe the sport and the last thing I want to do is sit and watch him play in the hot sun, kick a little ball around the field. It's amazing how beside himself with happiness he is when I go. Believe me, it's painful on my part. I just hate it. But I do love that it makes him so darn happy. It really is a simple thing and not that much to ask.

It sounds like it wouldn't be your cup of tea, but I do think that it is important that children are raised with religion. In order for your child to make a choice when he or she is older about whether religion is for him or her, they first have to have some sort of foundation upon which to compare. Without any religion, they basically don't see the point and may never know if it was something that would help ground them. If you really want your child to choose for themselves, give them a foundation first and encourage them to question and explore as they get older.

Hope this was helpful and best of luck to you!
R.
http://www.noblemother.com
http://www.bahai.com

Sweetie you dated him for a while and knew what you were getting in to. My question is, why did you marry him? This seems to be a major issue for you. They way you are speaking this should have been a deal breaker and that would have solved the issue for the both of you and the next e-harmony match might have been perfect for you.

When you get married you trade the "I"s' for "Us". There is a level of give and take. I am sure there are things he does for you that he really doesn't want to, but he takes the "I" out of the activity and puts us in front. That is something that you learn from church. You have this husband and he is this way because of his relationship with God. Why not find out how you can be a better “Us” by going to the place that gave you the better Him.

Its not just you, its him also. He knew you had this church issue before you got married. If it was this important to him he should have not let the relationship go further. But he did not write in, so I cannot respond to him.

Its only two hours a Sunday. Take separate cars, if he wants to stay longer you can go after the service. You can go to the 8:00 AM service that makes it go faster and you will have the whole day to yourself. You can make it a fun activity by going out to breakfast every Sunday after service. Pick different restaurants every Sunday, even some out of town just to make it a little more fun, something to look forward to. Take his loving activity/tradition and add a bit of you to it.

Going to church is not going to surgery without anesthesia. You will be alright. If he is not attached to the particular church, just the activity of going, suggest visiting other churches until you find one that fits better, i.e. teaching church vs. preaching church. This is if you are not comfortable in that particular church after you have gone for several Sundays.

It’s not that bad. When you are writing in about an abusive husband that is cheating on you with your friend in your bed while he makes you watch, then you are in the "I can't take it anymore..!" zone.

If it becomes a bit too much, I would suggest going to counseling. This might help you find out why he needs to go so much and/or why you don't want to go. You might find out that something that is repressed is the root of all this.

Congratulations on the baby and the marriage. Both are hard work, but very rewarding.

Good luck and God Bless,
P.S. I would say this and in this way to my friends- not really, I would be harder on them. I say it this way just to make you think in another perspective.

Hey there!
This situation sounds so much like mine...just opposite. I grew up in a christian school going to church and thats just what you did. After I left home I went a few years without going reguarly and I met my husband we got married and had our first son. I was so happy but yet something was still missing. One day it just somewhere out of the blue hit me that I was missing the Lord. My husband was not interested in going to church at all...every week he would say I will go next week and come up with some excuse as to why he couldnt go with me. So, my son and I went. Everyone at church always asked where is your husband. Almost every Sunday I made up another story as to why he couldn't be there with my son and I. My husband and I split up 2 years later and after we split up for some reason he decided to try going to church. Of course, he chose the church I went to which made things a little akward but I dealt with it and moved on. Almost 1 year after we split up he was very involved in our church and I could tell he was honestly a changed man. *I'm in no way saying there is something wrong with you or your marriage - this was just our situation.* We began spending a lot more time together with and without our children and we are now back together. We have been back together over a year now and expecting our 3rd child. We are very involved in our church and he still surprises me sometimes with the things he says (and sometimes just by his actions.) Sorry this is so long, I guess what I'm getting at is sometimes it is so worth giving in with an open mind. You never know - maybe if you find the right church you will love it and want to go every Sunday! I see you are in the Wake Forest area and our church is right close to there - if you are interested let me know and I can give you some information on our church! I hope this helps a little bit!

Good Morning, Wow I read the other responses and you do have a lot to think about - I think it is wonderful and you should feel blessed that your husband wants and desires for you to be with him at church! You are married and it is perfectly normal to want to be "seen" as a couple and share these special times together. When I was in my first marriage I prayed and wanted my husband to go with me and he went far and to few services with me and our girls. I did fell single and out of place because everyone else had their spouses with them! So, I understand how your husband feels. I hope you will consider his feelings as well, it sounds like he wants to have you next to him AND that is a good thing! I now am remarried to a wonderful man and we attend church services together and do everything else together which I never had and I love it - we attend Sunday Morning, Evening and Wednesday night services. I feel more complete with my husband by my side at church. I hope and pray that you can feel more comfortable being at your husbands side at church. Pray about it and the Lord will direct your path.

Your relationship with God is your business despite what some of your responses say. Having said that, you do need to listen to your husband. Why is it so important to him that you go? Does he think you'll go to Hell or does he just want the company and maybe to show off his new bride and her growing belly? Both valid reasons with totally different motivations. One reflects a belief that you obviously don't share, the other just reflects his pride in his new family that I think most women would be flattered by. Once you've really heard him, then make sure he really hears you and why you don't want to go. Marriage is about compromise. For any marriage to succeed you both have to be give a little ground. I agree with the recommendations that maybe you should find a church you both like better if that's the issue. Or the suggestion to work out a schedule for you to attend, my first thought was to suggest you go 3 weeks a month and take 1 Sunday for yourself. Pregnancy can make you very tired so if that's the issue just tell him and maybe you can committ to going more regularly once you have the baby and recovered. If raising your child in the church is important to you make sure he knows that you agree on this matter and that your lack of attendance now does not reflect what you might do as the child gets older.

It's possible you'll feel differently when the baby's born. A lot of people I know who did not attend church regularly started with the birth of their first child (including my husband). You don't want to be in a situation where you're guilted into going but it's clearly very important to your husband.

Have you considered looking for something to get involved in at church to help build your enthusiasm? Maybe since you have a child on the way, you could offer to work in the nursery some Sundays to spend time with kids and other moms? Or there may be other ways you could get involved that would be fulfilling to you and allow your husband to attend services more often that you wish to.

Good luck.

what does a plane crash have to do with anything?? lol men are goobers at time. anyway. when i was a teen i ended up going to church with my mom and step dad. not much fun for a teen to sit through church so after a few weeks i got up and wondered around and found they had child care. i asked if they needed any help and they said yes badly! so i worked there for 2 years before following our minister to a new church and was the head of child care there! I loved working with the kids and at the same time i felt good b/c i was in church... teaching lessons and doing gods work by watching these sweet babies. see if theres any volunteer opertunities at church maybe making coffee during the service or setting up for the offering things like that so your not bored out of your mind lol. hope this helps!

Yes, I do have suggestions.
There are going to be things that you feel strongly about and things that he feels strongly about. A marriage is a 2 way street. You give and take. Sometimes you do things that aren't always what you want, for the other person, becuase you love them so much, and vise versa.
Apparently church is one of the things that he feels strongly about. I can see where he doesn't want to go without you.
Here is a good example: What if I wrote to you and told you that once a month my husband's work had a get together and all his coworkers and friends were there with all their wives and children. They ate and stood around and socialized afterwards but there was a show on TV that I wanted to watch on the nights that his get togethers were so I refused to go. He didn't want to go without me so he stayed home. Now he wants to go to these work parties really bad because he felt good about himself when he went and he was proud of his family so he liked to show them off and it was good for him to show up at these parties because it helped him along in his career advancement to participate. But because I refuse to go, he doesn't go. Now he feels like he is being held back in something that is very important to him. Would you tell me to bite the bullet and just go, it is only once a month and I can compromise by recording the show that I wanted to watch OR would you tell me to stick to my guns and done care what is good for him or what he likes, just make sure that I satisfied myself?

Sounds a little bit different when the shoe is on the other foot, huh?

Honey, just go to church with him. After you go for several months in a row without missing, it gets to be habit and then when you do miss, it will feel weird.

The guilt he makes you feel, I don't think, is his intention to make you feel guilty. I think he is trying to point out to you that, it is something very important to him and if he is in a plane crash tomorrow, you would feel guilty because you didn't give him what he really needed in life to be fulfilled. He is trying to tell you that this means ALOT to him. Don't let him die without making sure he was totally and 100% fulfilled.

It is not going to hurt to give up 2 hrs of your time. Life will be so much easier for 2 measley hours because he will love you more and respect you more knowing that you really don't want to go but you do it for HIM.
Life is all about give and take and if you can't give something this little for him, what are you going to do in the really hard times?

Let me ask you this? Would he do something for you that he really doesn't want to do? Like I do alot of things that I wouldn't ordinarily do but because I love my husband, I do them because they are important to him. Now,.... because he loves me and wants to be my ....PARTNER.... He will get up and go to yard sales with me on Sat sometimes and he will go shopping with me in the mall occassionally. Does he really like to do it? I doubt it but he does because he loves me and he knows that makes me happy. When you truly love someone you want them to be happy and you will go to all lengths to make them happy. And when you think about what it will take to make your husband happy.... 2 measley little hours..... what is 2 hrs out of your life????????
Then next time you want him to do something that he doesn't really want to do, he will either do it or you can explain to him just exactly what I have explained to you.
Marriage is a 50-50 thing. It isn't all about you anymore or about him. It is about the PAIR, the PARTNERSHIP, the COUPLE, the TOGETHERNESS.

Good luck. I didn't mean to lecture, but I have had a marrigae that was all about my husband and never about me where it was a 99-1 marriage. And now I have that 50-50 partnership, give and take because we truly love each other kind of thing. Trust me, you don't want to get off on the wrong side in your marriage. And sometimes you just need a little pep talk to realize what you have and how little it takes to please and to be pleased. Pretty soon it is not going to be about you or your husband anymore EVER... it is going to be all about that precious little baby and then your whole world will change.

What a blessing for you to have a husband like what you described. I too have a husband like that and I am blessed, lucky and all the postive words I could think of. We just went to see the movie "Fireproof", please try to see it even though it doesn't exactly pertain to your situation but it's well worth it. Need an awesome church? Email me!

Going to church is an individual thing,and going for the wrong reasons isn't going to help anyone,especially you. Believe me I know, I am into going to church and worshiping The Lord but not when I am pressured or made to feel guilty. Surely your husband could understand how you feel, maybe if you set aside a Sunday for you both to go and then some Sundays when he wants to go by himself,you might find that when the pressure isn't always there for you to go; maybe you just might want to go on and off more frequently? Good luck and Congratulations on the new baby!:)

Read the book Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. It has totally changed my marriage.
C.

There is so much going on with work, family, etc, that I know I sometimes think of going to church as a chore. Even the most "religious-looking" people who grace the pews on Sunday don't always want to be there, but church is more than just your relationship with God, it is about the relationship with others. The bible says the greatest commandment is to love and serve him and the second is to love others. My church family has helped me through some devistating times and I don't want to just "take" the blessings, I want to be able to give them too and being there for others is all part of God's plan.

I might suggest you find a mission you are passionate about and it will increase your enjoyment and committment. Singing in the choir, working the food pantry, teaching bible school are just a few. Maybe you need another church (one who has more young couples with small kids you can bond with), or maybe you just need a different perspective.

I was you 5 years ago and now I go to church every Sunday and meet with a small group of young parents on Sunday nights for food and study. I am not a zealot, or a bible-thumper, but neither are the group of people at church I am closest to, and we accept each other, warts and all. From a secular perspective, people who attend church live longer and are less depresssed. I think this is because of the relationships that are forged there.

On a side note, I was raised in a family where only Mom went to church and I feel bad now that I am an adult and realize how much church is geared toward couples (Mom's close with the women, but never had "couples" as friends b/c Dad wouldn't participate.

Having a child, I think, will make you more spiritual and increase your attendance. My little one loves Bible class and we started going to that after he was born.

If this is coming between your marriage, I agree with the comments about counseling. A good Christian counselor is not there to solve religion down your throat, but will help.

I wish you and your family the best.

Dear WF,

Tough place for both you and your husband to be so soon after your marriage. A frank discussion of your attitudes and ideas about church attendance and what that means to each of you needed to happen BEFORE you married. It is very difficult to come to an agreement when both of you believe that what YOU expected would be the way things would happen. That said, it is important for both of you to realize that you need to come to an agreement and allow each other to have your own relationship with the Lord. Not an easy task, especially, if either or both of you believe that one of you is completely right and the other completely wrong.

I would suggest that you talk to your pastor or a trusted older married Christian about this issue. Yes, the Bible says that believers need to be fed by being together studying God's Word. It is also important to support one another within the framework of the Church. Please try to talk with one another without shaming, guilting or talking down to each other. Mutual support and understanding are the corner stones of a marriage and will love hold it together. Respect each other as you work through this.

I will be praying for you. If you need to talk, write me.
B. B

Well, he definitely shouldn't make you feel guilty about going to church every Sunday. Although it would be great if you eventually wanted to go every Sunday. I suggest that you maybe find a place to serve at your church so you wouldn't be sitting in the service every Sunday. Since you are "new" at this church attendance thing....you don't wanna get burned out if you are not totally motivated to be there "every time the door opens". Think about serving in the kitchen or in the nursery every few Sundays or one Sunday a month. And then the other Sundays you could sit in service with your husband. We LOVE our church. We did before we had our little girl. BUT BUT BUT It became so much more important to me after we had her. One thing to think about.... The church you go to is where you will eventually put your baby in the nursery!!! You will be leaving him/her there and you will be going to worship service or to serve others in your own way. Do you know enough about the way the nursery is run to leave him/her???? Maybe if you went to church every Sun. with your husband and just got into the habit of going---at first volunteer to serve in the nursery and then hopefully you will become addicted to the fellowship of the people around you who just so happen to love God also!!! I think that if you get in the habit of going for whatever reason that your view will change after you have your baby. Your church family will be your support. You will have other moms to talk to about baby stuff. You will have other moms to pray for you when your baby is driving you crazy! You will want your baby to have other baby's / families to play with that YOU KNOW have good Christian values. And you will see that Christians aren't perfect and God doesn't expect you to have perfect attendance. Don't try to get better or be perfect before getting into church...come as you are. Even if you go and get something out of one line of a song....it's worth it! ITS NOT ABOUT RELIGION ITS ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP.....if you form a relationship with God through fellowship with his people you won't be able to keep yourself from church. And it's the best feeling in the world when you miss church for some reason and a friend from church calls to check and see where you were and if you are ok. It was also a blessing to us when we had our little girl- all our church friends cooked us food and came by to see her. Then they were so excited a couple of months later when we brought her for her first Sun. And I felt comfortable leaving her in the nursery because I had been there and worked in the nursery. The people at your church will be the ones teaching your child and in the community keeping your child accountable for his/her actions.....you want to get to know them. They will dedicate their lives to helping you raise your kids in a Christian enviroment ---but they can't do that if you are not there with him/her regularly. Last Point----The way I see it is---no matter why you get in the habit of going to church....wether it is a good reason or a bad reason....as long as you go and form a relationship with God and his people...who cares why or how it all started....just as long as you start somewhere!

This is a very difficult dilemma for you. I am actually in the opposite situation. I want to go to church, but my husband does not like the church that I go to and he would rather watch sports or just relax at home. He doesn't stop me from attending, but, he makes me feel guilty that I am doing something without him. I think that maybe the church your husband attends does not appeal to you. You should try finding a church that YOU would feel comfortable attending on a regular basis and don't beat yourself up if you don't always have the energy to attend. There are things like praying and reading the bible together that can strengthen your relationship with God and your spouse.

it sounds like you are not very connected tot he church you attend. If that is not the particular church God wants you to be in, it will be a chore. Is your husband open to finding new churches?

He may also be struggling with his role as spiritual leader and you're not going may make him feel likehe is a failure.

you might try church shopping to find a better fit. I know everyone is probably telling you about their churches and I'll throw mine in as well just in case you want to give it a whirl. My family and I go to Lifepoint Church. We meet in two movie theaters - the one on Six Forks Rd and also the movie theater in Wakefield. we are a "come as you are" church meaning that "we're not perfect and if you are, you need to leave because you'll mess up what we've got going" :) that's what the pastor says :) anywho, some people dress up and some come in shorts, we have Krispy Kreme and coffee and Panera bread every morning. We have a 9am and 10:30 service and child care. There is a "Club Riot" and "Fam Jam" for kids and families. Our music is praise and worship and if you've ever seen the tv show Psych or Scrubs, you'll know what our music minister looks like :) anywho, they're on the web and you can listen to Podcasts on Itunes by running a search for "donnie Williams" (that's the pastor) and you can listen to some of his messages.

hope you getthis resolved. and good luck!!!

if it is that important to him why not go? you would want him to do some of the things that are improtant to you. it might work if you set up and arrangement i go do this with you and you can do this that i like . i look at things sometimes as how important is it. you love him give him this gift. from wht you said it is very impotrant to him , to the point that he wishes he had put t hat on the profile, are you sure that it isn't something that in good peace you can give him

Is it the church he wants to attend? Would he be willing to try other churches in the area until you find one you feel more comfortable in? I grew up in the church, moved to my husband's hometown and we have been attending the church he grew up in but I have never really felt at home there. I continue to go because I know it's important for our children but I have never felt ministered to there. Pray about it individually AND together. Good luck!

There is a difference between being religious and spirtual.
If he knew this about you before you got married then it should not be an issue now. I would just let him know that if he chooses to not go then that is his choose. If he feels a need to go every Sunday then he needs to go every Sunday. It should not have anything to do with you. Being married is a about compromising, not your belief, but your actions. Maybe you could talk it out and decide to go a little bit more if he decides to not give you a hard time when you don't go.
I have been married for going on 14 yrs, and it took about 8 yrs before we really got in the groove of things. Make sure you pick your battles, and don't take everything personal.
Your relationship with God is between you and him, as it should be for your husband. He just may feel obligated as "the man of the house" to take charge in that area. Really sit down and find out why it is so important to him that you go with him every Sunday. If it means that much to him try to come up with a way that both of you will be happy about it, like every other Sunday or 2 to 3 Sundays out of the month. If it is going to make him happy it is not that much of a sacrifice. I am sure one day he will compromise to your better good. Do what you feel is the best thing to do, just don't let it be a battle.
Congatulations on the baby!

You need counseling from a Christian psychologist, not the preacher, a true psychologist. Make sure he's a Christian so your husband will be more willing to go to the counseling.
Also, tell your husband if he would help more around the house, especially after the baby is born, it would free you up more on Sundays to go to church.
Although going to a church building won't get you into heaven, your husband obviously feels strongly about this so you need to compromise.
Be yourself at church! You don't have to act like everyone else. God appreciates that you are not molded into a stereotype! Good luck!

i once was like that but once i foun the right church i love to go in fact i go when my huband dont .

Don't go to church for your husband, don't go to church for your kids.COme on people, going to church is not to have a good family time.I am a Christian(exepted Christ as my Lord and Savior), and honestly if there was Church every day.......I would go. No...not because I am so spiritual.....but because I get so stinking lost without Him. I want to hear what He has to say(and yes he can speak to you anywhere, but I am really lacking discipline), I need direction, I need to be encouraged by other Christians, I need to know how to be a good wife and mother.I need to PRAISE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry but your husband knew what he was getting into before you got married so he really has no right to change the rules now.He needs to go and pray that God changes your heart.

I am with you on the not going to church every Sunday. Sometimes I just don't feel like going or something has come up. With that being said though I recently have wanted to go to church every Sunday and actually have been looking forward to it for the first time in my in my life. We started attending a small Church with a young pastor that gives very inspirational not judgemental sermans. I didn't used to get much out of church because I couldn't pay attention. But now I find myself really listening and I just love it. Anyhow, I don't think if you don't go to church and get in a plane crash you are going to hell. Maybe you need to find a new church.

Sorry to hear about your problem. Your husband might feel awkward about going to church without you. You should definitely come to an agreement before you start feeling resentment towards one another. Maybe you could agree to go every other week, or something like that. I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed to get ready on Sunday morning, but I always feel better once I've gone. I used to not go (out of pure laziness), but I started to get more involved and became a member in a small women's group, and now I don't know what I would do without my church family. They are always there for me in my times of need. And I've grown so much in my Christian faith.
If you absolutely do not want to go at this time, then you have to communicate that to your husband. And if it's going to cause stress on your marriage, you should consider counseling before the arrival of your baby.

Is it possible that you just haven't found the right church. I stayed away from church for twenty years. But once I found the right one, it is hard for me to miss any Sunday

Dear Newlywed,

Welcome to the #2 marriage problem - religion! (Number one is money.) This can be tricky. Being that you do believe, but just aren't a regular church-goer. I personally think your husband should leave you alone about it, but that's just me. Religion isn't something that can be forced upon anyone. The desire to attend church has to come from inside you. Being that you have no problem with him going.....The big problem will arrive when he wants to take your child with him and you are left home alone. I'm sure he feels wierd that other entire families are there at church together and he's alone. He also probably doesn't want to explain to people why you're not there, either. It makes him feel uncomfortable. If you do not enjoy attending this particular church with him, I suggest you find a new church that you can both enjoy attending. You didn't mention which religion, but some have a lot of "Sunday School" classes you can attend and a lot of social functions you can participate in, too. Maybe if you try that you could meet some people, make some friends, and then church would be more enjoyable for you. This is definitely something that you and your husband need to discuss and come to an agreement on before the baby is born. You may also feel differently about it once you have a child. You need to sit down and rationally come up with a workable solution. His giving you a "guilt-trip" is unacceptable. You're an adult and should be able to make your own decisions. Especially about something as personal as your relationship with God. I wish you the best of luck. If you feel comfortable, you may want to talk with a church leader about it. Good luck! L.

I can already tell this one will get a lot of responses. You need to explain to him that going to church does not make you any more or less of a Christian. I grew up Catholic and stopped going to chruch after I got confirmed. My mother believed that at that age I was old enough to decide what kind of relationship with God I wanted to have and if I wanted to continue going to church. And the very reason for that is because my father was horrible abused by his mother before church and throughout his life, and my mother never wanted to us to feel like it was something we were being forced to do. We still had to go every Sunday, though! However, the most important thing is to realize that it's not how often you attend church that makes you a good Christian, it's how you live you life and treat other people.

It sounds to me that your husband needs to GROW UP because it's obvious with the comment he made about the e-harmony profile that he is WAY more interested in what church and religion has to offer him than what you have to offer him and his son. He seems more concerned in where he's going after he's dead than what is best for his wife and son, RIGHT NOW.

Good Christians should not JUDGE other people based on how often they go to church, but by how they treat other people and live their lives!

And by the way, my husband does not want to have anything to do with church and our son IS NOT BAPTISED and I AM NOT GOING TO HELL FOR THAT!!!!!!!

Please do not let anybody tell you that you need to get your priorities in order- that's out of line and we don't know you that well to pass judgement.

Secondly, marriage is all about compromise. If you only want to go to church once a month and he wants to go all four Sunday's- maybe you'll consider "up-ing" your amount of times to 2- or try to say you'll go every other week. It's not about you becoming a better person in the eyes of the lord it's about doing what's best for your new marriage.

What was it like when you were dating? I certainly hope this isn't a new thing and he only has this expectation of you since you became his wife...

When my husband and I got married I wanted to go to church and he did not. I told him that once we had kids that he did not have a choice. I wanted the family to go and the children to learn to go to church and if daddy does not go, they may not want to. He agreed to go at that time. Now, 5 yrs later we have 2 kids and we do go as often as we can. Things come up....we have titans tickets :o)....and we travel but other that that. We try to make it at least two Sundays a month. When we do go, my husband always appreciates the time spent with family and the feeling we get when we are there. It really does make the family closer and it really is good for kids. Things about it some more and have a serious talk with your husband. do not let him guilt you or bully you into it. Make the decision on your own to meet him 1/2 way....say, you will go 2x a month and ease into it. He knew how you were when he met you and you will do the best you can to conform but for now you want to take it slow. Do consider attending more regularly once you have kids or maybe sooner. It is only an hour of your time each week and God did give you your true love. :o) I owe God as far as I am concerned and the 2x a month is not enough. do what you can and try to make him happy too while you will realize you are happy when he is happy.

With our country in the turmoil it is in today, church is a good place to be. You say you are expecting a child. Do you want that child to have values, morals, ethics and the love of God you say you have? Well, when you look back on this you will find that it was a little sacrafice to the well being of your family. You should go and get involved (not just sit in the pews). You may find that you truly enjoy it if you put effort into it. Your husband wants you to be a family and church is a good place to start. You do your life everyday and is 2 hours a wk too much to give to God?

A wise bishop once counseled my husband and me, when we were struggling a bit in our marriage, that if it's important to our spouse, it should be important to us. If it's that important to him, in order to have a solid, happy, fulfilling marriage for yourself and your husband, not to mention the huge impact a happy or unhappy marriage has on children, it would be in your best interest to develop a different attitude about going to church, and learn to enjoy it (attitude is everything).

I can't imagine being married to someone who didn't share my spiritual beliefs, so I made a point of finding a match in that department, so it's never been an issue for us. I highly recommend reading Dr Laura's book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It improved my marriage a hundred fold, and taught me what a man needs, which is not a whole lot. Meet his needs, and he'll be the best husband in the world to you.

On the other hand, if this church you are attending isn't fulfilling your spiritual needs or whatever the issue is, perhaps, as others have said, you should shop around until you find one that fits. And, reach out to others at whatever church you attend so that you have friends that you look forward to seeing there on Sundays. I can tell you about my beliefs/faith/church if you're interested.

Best wishes to you. You can truly save yourself a lot of heartache and agony by making compromises and learning to seek for the happiness of your spouse (which comes right back to you). I wish I had learned that earlier on in my marriage; it would have saved us a lot of time wasted arguing and being miserable. Again, that book turned our marriage completely around.

I can understand why church attendance would be important to your husband, but it sounds like he's not trying to understand your viewpoint and putting too much pressure on you. It also sounds like he's not only concerned about you going to church, but also you're eternal security/salvation. I think it would be helpful for you to see a counselor just to talk through your beliefs and values. These things set a foundation for a healthy marriage, so it's important to be able to communicate well about them.

I also wonder if there's something else you can get regularly involved in that both of you would enjoy (besides Sunday morning services). Some churches offer weekly small groups that meet in homes, and there are lots of other options for worship and fellowship depending on where you live.

This is one of those things that you guys have discussed prior to marriage, however you are married now.

First of all, in regards to church...Spirituality is a personal issue based upon a relationship with GOD. There are no credits or rewards for attending church. That being said. You and your husband courted, dated, spent time together, nurtured and grew your relatinship to a point of marriage and intimacy. You need to put that same attention and care into GOD, if you are seeking to be in relationship with him.

Secondly, do you have a place of worship where both you and your husband are being challenged and fed. Church is not about a feel good moment or fulfilling some unwritten religious code. the purpose of church is to share our faith, gain insight into the wisdom of GOD, to apply what we learn in our own lives and share it with others. Although Christ was the founder of "the Church", there are so many donominations on every corner. You and your husband should find one that accomodates both of your needs, ist shouldn't just be one that he is in love with.

Thirdly, given the number of places that he could be dragging you off to every Sunday, church is not a bad place. Would you have these same feelings if he wanted you to go with him every week to a Wolfpack football game, to a Hurricanes match, to a Mudcats or Durham Bulls baseball game, to bowling league? This is another one of those give and takes, things that we do, that we do not necessarily want to do. You find a church that has a quick in and out one hour drive through sermon, and suggest that you and he go there.

You decide...can you and your husband give a little and accomodate each others need for spirituality, or end it now, throw him back. Go back to e-harmony, fill out your profiles appropriately in hopes of finding the perfect mate.

GOOD LUCK.

Maybe you could shop around for a different Church that you both enjoy. I was raised Catholic and my husband was Methodist. We compromised on Episcopalian.

Maybe you could agree to go every other Sunday. He could take the child every week and you could go every other week with them.

MY hubby does not go with us most of the time. He works a lot of weekends as well as other things. This is ok with me. I know we still agree on spiritual matters and we both love the Church we attend.

Honey, dying in a plane crash tomorrow has nothing to do with it. If you truely want to put God first in your life, do it. I know I need to be in church, a church that teaches the truth. You should read your Bible a little and discover that going to church is a privilage. You should try to go every Sunday, every time you can, not just Sunday mornings. But remember this each of us has his own walk with God, do not do anything to hinder someone else's walk, but it is ultimately their responcibility. Don't let your husband "guilt" you into going, then again, he shouldn't have to. He should be strong enough to go on his own, yet I understand that he may fear you getting to comfortable with not going with him. This is something you should discuss. Not I want... You want... But you need to pray about this. I think you know what God wants you to so, you just don't want to give in to "nagging" from your husband. Talk to your husband, tell him that if you both are going to get serious about developing a deeper relationship with God, then you both need to learn a little more about what that means.

You can't just "enjoy" God when you feel like it. He is there for us every moment of everyday for all our lives, He sent his Son to die for our sins. Do you really think 2 hours, once a week is a big sacrafice?

Maybe you can compromise and agree to go every other Sunday?

I am a little late on responding but I found your request really interesting. I think money and religion are very easily to disagree even within your own family. I feel the same way on some Sundays. It is not that I do not want to go to church but sometimes I have just laid the baby down for naps, etc. I have a 9yr old and 17 month old so I try very hard to keep my oldest involved and if I decide not to go he is calling his papaw for a ride. I know alot of larger churches have several schedules and even has service on Saturday evening which is nice. Good luck and best of luck with your baby.

Hi WF

I do not mean to sound harsh but the reality is that your husband is trying to have a closer walk w/the Lord and you seem to be quite content with a weaker/fainter relationship. You two are unevenly yoked...soon you will either discourage him into staying home...away from church or he will encourae you to become more active...I surely hope he encourages you...its not just attending church...you should want to give God some of your time, energy, and money...for his grace mercy, and many blessings...Do you participate in any church events....do you have frineds at church...pay attention to your priorities...what a person talks about most and spends most of their time doing is their Priority....I pray things will work out for the best...

A Christian in Process...
Memphis TN....

Church attendance does not secure your good standing with God.
You are not responsible for anybody else's personal relationship with God.
That's my beliefs and opinion, and here is a suggestion to consider:

There are times when my dh and I stay home from church and have "home church" instead. We read, study, pray, share thoughts about scripture, and listen to beautiful uplifting music. Sometimes, we get more from doing that than when we do attend church service. BUT we do attend church and enjoy the fellowship and the message, the majority of the time. Since we've been doing the "home church" on occasion, we've both grown spiritually and closer as a couple. We open up to each other in a special way, and I know God is the one to get the glory for that. We love our journey together, and although we are individuals, we share our faith and function truly as one.

Church is important, but more important is your own relationship with God and your husband. Sometimes we have to sacrifice, and your going to church with your mate is not a huge one.
Also, you might suggest to your husband that one night a week you sit down TOGETHER, and do a mini-bible study and discussion, just read from the bible. It's amazing how connected you can become because you're both devoting time to each other and to God.

I wish you the best. There are some good suggestions here. Let us know what you decide, how things are going with your pregnancy and when you have your new baby!!

i would say go, get to know people, get involved. when your child is born and gets a little older it is awesome to see them learn and get involved also. my children are 2 and 3 and to watch them sing in the booster band and to hear them say their memory verses is so cool to see. i also agree w/another lady who said maybe this wasn't the right church for ya'll. maybe try another church. always communicate and the closer you are to God the closer you will be to your husband. good luck to ya'll

Dear WF,
The reason your husband wants you to go to church every Sunday with him, is that he understands God's will a bit better than you do, and is concerned for your eternal life. However, the bible also tells us that we should not nag the unsaved, but rather live life in a way that the light of Christ shows through. There are many people who "believe in God" but are not saved. Satan believes in God. But when you truly put your faith and trust in Christ, you will want to serve him and go to church along with trying to live according to his will. (of coarse we all fail to reach perfection.)Your husband should not nag but pray that God convicts your heart. I pray for my husband as well for the same thing, because I love him so much, but I understand that only God can draw him near, and only Christ can save him. I understand the consequences of him not giving his life to Christ and it makes me very sad for him. I'm guessing this is the case for your husband. Christians can only share what Christ has done for themselves, and then pray on the matter. The push, pull, or drag method doesn't work. I will put you and your husband in my prayers today. Sincerely, T.

You need to resolve this before you have that precious baby!!
I married a man of a different religion and thought we'd "work out" how we would raise the children once we had them. Boy was that a mistake!! After our first son was born, we couldn't agree on this and also received a great deal of pressure from our families. We had alot of arguements and hurt feelings before we decided to raise them in my husband's faith.

I think your husband should not pressure you to attend if you are not comfotable with it. However, before the baby is born you should discuss how you want them raised. Maybe you could compromise and go with him once a month. I think the real question is whether you want your son/daughter to go with him!

I would suggest counseling with your church Pastor. It would give you an opportunity to have a mediator for your discussions and that way you may not feel guilted into going. Just a thought.

K. C

Congrats on your new marriage and pregnancy!

Minority opinion here: You said you feel terrible about "causing him to have less of a relationship with God". I suggest that no one can force anyone else to do this. Our relationship with God, while enriched when supported by others, is a personal, individual thing. I don't think your guilt in this instance is warranted, though your concern about the stress your differences are causing in your marriage, is. I should think pushing you to do something you're uncomfortable with would backfire ("You can lead a horse to water....."). It sounds like you are able to communicate well with your husband. That should enable you both to work through this.

I wonder how much you agree on what you're going to do once your baby arrives? Had you previously decided that you would take your child to a certain church every week? Maybe some unresolved issues there are at play? I'm just shooting in the dark here - obviously I don't know, and any answers are your personal ones. (I'm asking rhetorical questions, not trying to judge you.)

You have lots of great food for thought here from others......I hope you'll be able to work out the situation soon.

Best of luck and many blessings to you and yours....

I am divorced, remarried for 6 years, 57 years old. My first husband wouldn't go to church with me at all and it had a big part, I believe in our relationship. With him I would go to church by myself and take our two children so they would experience GOD. Thirteen years later, my 2nd husband, later in life now, will go but unfortunately doesn't make it an habit,and has put me in the habit of not going very frequently. I too am a religious person and love God, however, I really miss going to church and find it a void in my life. I have made it goal to start up again with a new minister which is starting Nov. 14th. Even though I think you should go to church, I think you have to compromise with him on how you feel, it will bring you and your husband closer and when you have children, I feel it is your duty as parents to introduce God to them and raise them in a Godly matter. However, your husband sounds a little controlling/immature if he's putting you on a guilt trip, saying the things he does. The communication from him needs to change, or you will have other controlling issues in the marriage. Try to compromise with him. Perhaps say that you would like to attend church every other week or three out of 4 times a month. He needs to learn to compromise, for that is a big word in a marriage. That and communication. Voice your feelings, always!! Unfortunately, it is hard for some people to do both. Most likely, when children come into the picture, you will feel more of a need to go every Sunday and it will take care of itself. Don't let him make you feel guilty for making your own decisions on this or anything. For this would just be the beginning of many more to come. PM

Hi,
If he needs you to go to church with him, then his faith is obviously not be where it needs to be anyway. Don't feel guilty about it. As long as you are ok with your spirituality, then all is well. It's about what is inside, and you don't need a strict protocol in order to achieve that. Sometimes you just need the downtime, especially when you are exhausted from pregnancy. I think God understands. :)

There are keys to a long happy marriage. Two of which I will mention here.

One~Communication. Being fully open with each other about everything makes an honest marriage. With this neither party is wondering what the other person is thinking or wants. Also, neither party is wondering if the other one is keeping secrets.

Two~Put on the attitude of focusing on making the other person happy, not on what that other person can do to make you happy. I hear often of "he's not doing this for me/she's not fulfilling my needs." Of which all is about me, me, me. If the wife would focus on what makes the man happy and the man on what makes the wife happy then you are fulfilling each other's needs and there is no room for selfishness.

In saying that, your husband is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the household. His desire is to lead his family to church every Sunday. It's one day a week. So one day a week you could be fulfilling your husband's desire instead of your own.

On a spiritual note, God sent his son Jesus to die for your sins so you may experience an abundant life and heaven afterwards. Is it so bad to give Him time every week? We should be givng Him time daily. But there shouldn't be a problem with meeting at church every week to get the Word of God into our hearts. It's a small sacrifice compared to what Jesus went through.

Marriage is a wonderful blessing. It takes time and alot of care to make it work. God Bless~

I agree with what another gal said...you might not have found the right church. Also, I went through a period when my husband and I first go married (for about a year) where I did not want to go to church and when I was there I really wasn't. KWIM. I felt like he was pressuring me to go and that didn't help. I believed in God, I love Him, but I was at a crossroads. Truth be told I was angry and ashamed at myself and didn't want to face it so I was hiding. (Not that that is what you are doing...just wanted to let you know where I was coming from). So, we started looking around at churches and it took us about 4 months to find one we both liked and I felt comfortable and not pressured into going to. Good luck. Open communication with your hubby is important and he needs to remember that guilt will not get you there any faster. Forced religion undermines the whole purpose of having a religion. Religion is a true relationship with God that is by choice.