My son is 6 and in kindergarten. He attends an afterschool day care at his school for 3 hours after school. He is the only kid there that doesn't have any electronic devices like a DS or iPod etc. He wants a DS so bad, so we told him that if he earned $50 by Easter, we would get him a DS. We have had 3 instances where his friends have given him their devices and allowed him to take them home. We have told him that this is not allowed and he has sneaked them home. Anyway, my husband got very upset and took away all his toys, no TV and no PC time (we sometimes let him play games on our PCs) for a whole week and told him that we would not be buying him the DS at Easter. I have supported this, but I feel that 1 week was too long. What do you think?
Thank you so much for all your input. It was so great to see people at all ends of the spectrum. My husband and I do believe that we have to stick to what we say, so no matter what, the consequenses that we state, we always follow through on. I tend to be a little more careful (sometimes too careful) about what comes out of my mouth. My husband tends to overreact (my opinion:-) and then we are kind of stuck. I have to say, that it was not quite as bad as I thought. We have always read a couple books to our kids before bedtime, but this week, my son actually asked me to read to him every day instead of watching TV. It was challenging for him, but my husband did say he could play with his stuffed animals and that was that fun to watch because it forced him to really use his imagination. I do want to say that the school we have him at does not allow electronics in class and the extended program only allows it at the very end of the day when kids are waiting for their parents to show up. It is a very structured program with most of the time spent doing homework, playing board games, going to a structured reading and math PC lab and running outside on the playground, so we are very happy with it. I really appreciate all the feedback and am printing them out for my husband to read. I think he will find it helpful too. I will read the books that are suggested. We can use all the help we can get!!!
He's only 6. I do believe in discipline, but that's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay above and beyond. What is he supposed to do?? Sit and stare at the wall? He's got no toys and no screen time. Really, what can a 6ry old do w/ no toys?
IMO, the punishment doesn't fit the crime :)
ALL his toys? No tv and no pc? What's left for him to do, but maybe read- and he's only in kindergarden. I don't think what he did was THAT bad- yes, he broke a rule and that shouldn't be ignored, but I can certainly understand a small child having a hard time resisting the temptation of something like that. I'd have taken away a favorite toy or tv/pc for 1 day(maybe 2, if I was in a bad mood) , and wouldn't have refused to buy the DS for Easter. That's just my opinion though, since you asked :)
One week is waaay too long and a very destructive approach to parenting your child.
Ask yourselves what does your child need and why. Your job is to guide your chid in developmentally appropriate ways. Please read Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting, Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. I promise you it will change your life.
What is most sad to me is that your son's school allows kids to bring these things to school. It just seems wrong on so many levels. 3 hours after school, and they are fine with kids just engrossed in hand held electronics. Yuck! What about time for playing kickball on the playground? Doing homework? Playing with legos, old-fashioned toys, building things, running around, playing with EACH OTHER, shooting basketball, board games, using their minds and bodies. It's spring for goodness sake, they should be outside playing! And there are parents who allow their kids to bring these 100.00-300.00 toys to school? I wouldn't help buy him the DS for Easter either and I would ban screen time for a week at home, but I think it was overkill to take away the regular toys too. Maybe your husband can relent on the toys, but I wouldn't argue for it in front of your son. And if he doesn't want to go back on that part, OK. He'll survive the week, really. I wouldn't push your DH on it. I think I'd be looking for a better after school care option as well. Don't get me wrong, I don't think electronic entertainmnent is ALL bad. My 8 year old has an Ipod touch. But she is never allowed to bring it to school (school does not allow it). It stays at home or in the car with me where I can watch and limit its use and make sure she has plenty of time for non-screen life. Good luck!
Wow. My first thought is that the aftercare program should NOT be allowing electronic devices. They should be running a program with games, crafts, and activities for the children. But, I suppose it makes it easier on the workers, not to have to interact with the children. So, I ditto the opinion that you should find alternative aftercare, if possible. Just because your son deserves better than what they are doing.
As for him sneaking the device into the house.......I assume you already had the talk about how that is the same as lying, and it makes it difficult for you to be able to trust him like you have in the past. I imagine it makes you sad that he would do that - I know it has made me very sad when my children were dishonest with me. And they know how it has taken quite a while to earn back my trust.
So, yes, I agree with your husband that he should not get the DS at Easter. And no screen time for a week is not that big of a deal, either. But, his toys? I think that is a little overboard. But here is the good thing.....if you're husband will relent. It's a great teaching moment for your son. Dad gets to talk to him and apologize for getting carried away. Then say he has re-thought the situation and is giving the toys back. It is VERY important for our children to see that we all make mistakes - often when we're frustrated or upset - and that we accept responsibility for the mistakes and do what we need to to apologize/fix the mistake. If he sees his dad take responsibility for overreacting, it will help him to do it next time HE needs to correct something.
And kudos to you for supporting your husband in this. Even though you disagreed, you presented a united front.
Good luck!
J.
I don't think one week is to long. Years ago when my daughter was maybe 5 or 6, we had an old PlayStation. I don't remember all of the details of what she did wrong, but it involved not listening to me and flat out refusing to do what I needed her to. After trying the bargaining and threatening, (I don't hit, I don't believe that violence is EVER a solution) I was so mad that I ripped the PS out of the wall. Wires flew everywhere, and things got broken by them. She got grounded and the PS went in the closet for like 6 months. It scared the Hell out of her and she has never behaved as badly since. She now now knows I mean business and will take away what matters most. At 14 it is now her cell phone, or, "gasp" her season pass to our local AHL hockey team games. All I have to do is threaten to take either and she listens. Sometime the punishments that seem way to severe are the ones that get through to them the most.
I think that a DS is an expensive gift for a 6 yr old only because i have a 7 yr old a 13 yr - a 13 yr old who has already had everything at a young age and never really learned to take care of things. My 7 yr has a whole lot less then her older sister and has learned much more responsibility and if your son doesn't listen now with other people's borrowed toys what lesson is he going to learn by if i sneak things home and get a DS for Easter, what stakes are there to get something better for Christmas? I'm just saying. I'm not trying to poke around where I don't belong, but believe me, my husband and I have had many wars with this whole material game war and both of us are at fault - mostly me, but it's gotten to a point where it's gotten ugly! Children today can't just sit and entertain themselves - it's like we have to light ourselves on fire just to keep things fun for them. Or dress up in a clown suit. My youngest daughter has coloring books, crayons, paints, a Craft of the Month kit, paper dolls, all that stuff. Again, i'm not trying to get all crazy mom on you, but try it out - give your son $20 tell him he needs to hold onto to this everyday for a week - he can't lose it - this is just a test - a DS is going to be left on restaurant tables, on seats, at school, at movies, wherever, someone may be nice enough to bring it to the ticket booth MAYBE my daughter was lucky enough once but ask her where her ipod is or her brand new $350 trek bike is that she didn't lock or what happend to her envtouch phone when her friend dropped it, or her laptop - our computer is slower then molasses & she's got a brand spankin new laptop! We all want to be the hero in our children's eyes, but sometimes we are more of a hero if we do other things, what about Game Night once a week - board games are a blast or silly string - what children don't like silly string!!!!! Again, I'm not trying to go nutso here, just trying to help ya from getting caught up in something that is so hard to pull yourself away from. It really hurt things between my husband and I for a long time. Best of luck.
I think taking the toys away is good because now he should EARN them back. Each day that he has no TV and listens by not bringing others toys home he should get one of his toys back as a reward. There needs to be positive with the negative to help him realize he needs to earn your trust.
Um, I am a Mommee who believes in full restriction for egregious actions, so, I don't think your Hubby was too strict.
Your son had been told, repeatedly, not to bring others childrens electronic toys home. He disregarded the rule and brought one home, so there has to be consequences that make an impression. Because the asking nicely didn't seem to work. :)
I also agree with not buying a DS for Easter. Tell him you will consider it as a birthday or Christmas present this year.
My son did get his first DS about that age...from "Santa". But Santa was only going to bring it if his mid-term report card had all grades at an A or B. Once Santa brought it, Mommee set limitations with it...it was a weekend only toy and then for a limited time only. New games are only purchased for Birthdays and Christmas.
We have to face that kids these days are getting more and more electronics at younger and younger ages, BUT we don't have to follow suit with our own children. My son, now 14, does have a cell phone and an MP3 player; and we do have gaming systems...but everything comes with rules and limitations. Set the rules up withe first electronic, stick to them, and then you can "adjust up" as your son matures.
Good Luck and God Bless
It's a long time, but he'll live. Don't say anything to your husband about it.
However, sneaking a DS home is not a crime, it just means your kid has a little spunk and creativity. In terms of things he could do wrong, this is not high on the list of evil deeds.
I personally think that he was punished with the week, so you should STILL buy him the game, if he earns the $50. That's a great deal to make with a kid, by the way -- making him earn part of the cost of the game.
Remember -- it's only a game. Sneaking a game isn't terrible. Let him get the DS for Easter.
