9 Year Old Sister Obsessed with Private Parts

If she is asking you these questions then I would answer her honestly, but that is just me. If you feel you may be stepping on toes if you do then tell her what her mother said about such questions or suggest she talk to the counselor or health teacher at school.

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Your half-sister's curiosity is normal. It may be worse because, as you say, she has been so isolated from normal things. So here is "real life", right in her own home. It's great that your father and stepmother have given you a place to live with your new baby, and now they have to address some issues with their daughter. (Babies, single moms, 2nd marriages, nursing, body parts, etc.)

I understand that it's annoying and that you don't want to step in and do the parenting for a child whose parents maybe haven't done as much as some others might. I think you have the right to some privacy, but you could also see this as an opportunity for her. Looking at a baby's private parts is actually a good way to learn about her own body - so let her see not only what things look like, but how important it is to stay hygienic (simple things like wiping baby poop away from the urinary and vaginal openings, not toward them, for example). She can also learn the obvious, that caring for a baby is full time, and not always easy. Young girls who see that babies aren't dolls may be more likely to avoid getting pregnant at 14 if they see how hard it is for you, an adult. She sees that you are struggling without a partner (both financial pressures and time pressures) so maybe she won't idealize the "husband-baby-picket fence" fantasy that so many young girls have.

Nursing - there is a role for privacy, of course, so she shouldn't be lifting the blanket without asking you. But on the other hand, she is learning what the purpose of breasts is, which is to nourish another human. That is so opposite the message that she's getting from TV and friends and boys on the school bus. There's actually this whole movement to make breastfeeding appear normal and not sexual at all - with women being banned from some restaurants and asked to nurse in bathrooms while sitting on toilets, there's a big push-back with other restaurants saying, "Come on in, feed your baby while you feed the rest of your family or yourself, and let us give you a free beverage to keep you hydrated." So breast feeding is feeding, not baring breasts, you know? So you can have a positive influence on her.

Her question about tasting the milk can be handled simply - again, she's just curious. Tell her babies get their nutrition from breast milk or formula and it's designed to be complete nutrition and not something older kids would find delicious, and say that older kids and adults with more developed palates and tastes get nutrition from other sources. Tell her adults don't drink breast milk and even if they did, you need to save it for the baby who has no other way of getting what she needs. Simple, non-judgmental, to the point. Her curiosity may not have anything to do with her own approaching puberty - I don't know how close she is, but her interest is normal particularly for someone who isn't getting much input from her own parents.

If her mother and your father are still sheltering her, this is kind of a wake-up call for them. It's better to address things sooner and in small amounts over the years than it is to wait until a kid is 12 and already has all her "facts" from the school bus! You can encourage your stepmother to get a few books from the library (any good children's librarian can suggest some resources that are age-appropriate) and start gently broaching the subject with her daughter. Once she and her daughter find some helpful books, she can purchase something her daughter can keep in her room and refer to periodically. That leaves you off the hook and puts the mother in the driver's seat.

You can also say to your half-sister that conversations about bodies are best held between parent and child, that you know she's curious, and she's normal. A questioning child is much preferred to a kid who goes out and asks her friends or one who doesn't ask at all and then is woefully unprepared when some boy makes his move on her. So getting her mother to establish an open and welcoming environment is an important first step. Anything you can do to encourage her to work with her mother is a good step for them getting through the teen years!

i agree with you that your SM is moving rather slowly, but just as you're going to want to raise your daughter in your own fashion, she doesn't want your input into her parenting. and you're already in a pretty awkward situation. why rock the boat?
i don't think it's surprising that the 9 year old is curious. i'm not sure why it disturbs you, or why you don't just let her watch you change the baby. if she asks questions, just direct her to her own mom, but you don't have to actively hide either. and it's not unusual for kids to be curious about breastmilk.
you've got enough on your plate without taking on raising your stepsister and judging your stepmother. i'm sure it's difficult for you- but i have to give your SM kudos for opening her home to you. it's got to be very disruptive to her and her own little family, and until you're working and on your feet, it behooves you not to make waves.
khairete
S.

Her curiosity sounds normal. I would let her see your baby's private parts and your breast while nursing. Let her help change baby's diaper. Just allow this to happen. I'd also express a bit of milk into a glass and let her taste it. I poured breast milk out of my granddaughter's bottle and tasted it. Curiosity is a good and natural thing.

Surely her mother hasn't told you to not let her see! Is she watching all the time to be sure her daughter knows nothing. Wow! This will backfire big time. Perhaps you could suggest that if the daughter doesn't learn these things at home she will learn them at school or at friends houses. Wouldn't her mother prefer to teach her so that she has control of what she learns and the attitude her daughter has about them?

If you think mom is not open to suggestions I would be less vigilant and let daughter see. If that will be a problem, thankfully you will be moving out.
Instead of telling her to go away sympathize with her. Let her know it's ok to be curious. "I know you're curious. Your mom has asked me to not let you see." Then send her on an errand.

The 9 yo is being so focused because she hasn't been allowed to learn these things gradually over time. And the lure of the forbidden is strong.

I might just have a conversation about how this is affecting you. Tell her it's difficult keeping these things from her daughter. Suggest it's normal curiosity. Suggest her daughter could be entering puberty; many girls have a period at 9 or 10. Mention that unless her extreme curiosity isn't allowed at home she will search for answers elsewhere. Just casual coversation over time. If you notice resistance back off.

Late: sounds like your step mother wants to answer the questions. I suggest this is reasonable. You can still let your stepsister see your baby's private area and watch you breastfeed. When she asks questions refer her to her mother.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I remember being a first time mom and totally freaking out when people wanted to see my daughter, touch my daughter, etc.

BREATHE!!! Stop avoiding and start answering her questions.

Where is your husband in all of this?
What is HIS thoughts on this?
Do you think this 9 year old has nefarious intentions to your daughter? She's CURIOUS!! And to tell you the truth, you aren't helping by pushing her away.

Why won't you answer your half-sisters questions?

If she tries to move the blanket when you are nursing again, instead of being rude - tell her - "Jane really does better under the blanket so she is not distracted while eating." Your half-sister has questions!!! She's growing up!! STOP being a freak! Be a big sister and ANSWER her questions - your pushing her away is only making her MORE curious...

Now asking to taste your milk? Yeah. a little out there. But to be honest? She's CURIOUS!!! You say how much YOU knew when you were 9 - but you don't state how old you are...and by the sounds of it? You are ALONE...so what did YOUR curiosity get you???

Please take a step back and breathe. Let her ASK questions and give her answers - age appropriate answers - but give her answers.

Tell her that asking to taste her breast milk is rude. You can set boundaries and teach her at the same time.

Good luck!

I always answer kids' questions. I wouldn't hide changing a baby from a 9 year old, and if she asked to taste my milk I would say "Sorry, you're too old." I wouldn't show her my breasts but I wouldn't go out of my way to hide them, either, if I were nursing.

If her questions are beyond what you feel you should be answering, say, "You'll have to go ask your mom on that one."

Her curiosity is normal, and her mom dropped the ball on making sure she was aware of what is going on/will be going on with her.

I'm with Marda, in that I would allow her to do the things she is wanting to do now. Especially with the breastfeeding... It will normalize it for her, and thus more likely to do so when she is old enough to have kids. (When I was growing up, I didn't even realize breastfeeding was an option, and it didn't even cross my mind to do so when I was pregnant. It wasn't until I stumbled across this site and read a random comment about it that I looked into it and decided to give it a try.)

Just give her boundaries... She can watch (or help) you change the diaper, but she doesn't need to be inspecting the baby's privates. She can watch you nurse, but she has to respect your boundaries and stay a discreet distance away, and no pulling the cover away if you are using it. (I would probably even nurse a few times without one, if you are comfortable doing so.) IF you just aren't comfortable with her watching you because you are a private person, then I would tell her you like to have privacy when nursing. (I was like that when I was nursing, so I get how you feel.it took me a while to feel comfortable nursing in front of anyone.) As for tasting the milk... If it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to... But where is the harm?

Maybe you can get permission from her mom, or even just recommend that she buys her daughter the American Girl book, the Care and Keeping of You. It will tell her what she needs to know about puberty.

As the others have said, her questions and curiosity sound pretty normal for a 9 year old, and it does indicate that she is ready for a bit more information than her mother has provided so far. HOWEVER, since her mother has told you clearly that she wants to be in charge of giving information about body changes, you must respect that request and refer her back to her mother. You can do it kindly and without shaming by saying something like 'That is a great question and I see you want to learn more about [whatever]. Why don't you ask your mother about it?' IF you can say things tactfully to your stepmother, you could mention to her in private that your sister has been asking questions and seems ready to learn more about how her body will be changing in the next several years, so your step-mother might want to start those conversations and offering books very soon.

Why not just answer her questions? As Suz said, you want to be able to raise your child as you see best, so you need to give that same respect to your step-mother and father. You also are a guest in their home and not ready to support yourself (based on your second post), so you need to make sure that you and your daughter can stay there peacefully for as long as you need. Respecting the stated boundaries is essential to that. Good luck with it, and with the process of finding your way forward.

Could you talk to your father?

You can go the route of manners. "Sister, I am covered for privacy. You are never to pull on this blanket. It is rude." Even my toddler DD could understand that peeking down her teen sister's shirt was not appropriate.

I personally chose to use a nursing cover when I was nursing around my sks. My SS was a teen at the time and talk about awkward...so I find no fault in you using a cover of some kind.

Or "I understand your curiosity, but the baby has all the same parts you do. Please give us some space."

She's extremely curious. Tell her mom that you are uncomfortable with her asking to taste your milk and to watch you nurse your infant.

Then feed the baby in your bedroom with the door shut.

The little girl hasn't seen body parts and is completely interested in what's down there. This is pretty normal for first little ones they're around.