My 9 year old daughter will not go to bed without me. I don't want to go to bed at 8:30 when she should so she stays up until 11:00 or later when I'm ready for bed. We read books and then I end up spending the night in her bed because she doesn't want me to leave until she's asleep and by then I'm asleep too. If I leave she will keep getting out of bed and can't get to sleep.
We homeschool so it's not like she has to be up to catch a school bus or anything which makes this problem worse because she can sleep late.
It is really messing up my days plus my husband isn't too happy and if you read my other post you'll know he's not the easiest man to get along with.
Anyway I'm wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this. She wants to go to bed earlier but that doesn't stop her from waiting for me. Even when I tell her to go to bed.
There is another aspect to this that I didn't really mention. My husband is verbally and mentally abusive. I wrote about this in another question. Leaving him is out of the question. Although he has mellowed in the past year or so, he can still be scary. My daughter and I enjoy our time away from him. There is a big difference in her attitude when he's not around. She has learned that while at home if I can't be with her doing something it's best if she plays in her room. Most of the time though she is right by my side, literally!
So at night I think she is scared and also feels she is keeping me safe in her room. Things are certainly not that bad and I'm perfectly safe in my house , my husband is not physically violent. But I am afraid that's what she's thinking. Although when I've talked to her about this she says"no". She tried to go to bed by herself one night, it took hours but she finally did it. I put her in her room at 9:00 and at 2:00am she finally fell asleep
The thing that kills me is that she is obviously comforted by me being there and even though I know it's the right thing to do I feel like I'm tearing away a security blanket or something for her but putting her to bed by herself.
Then again maybe I'm the one too emotionally invested in this and it's just a habit for her. After thinking about all your responses I think that may be the case. So tonight I have set some new rules. Since she's been going to bed at midnight I have chosen 9:30 for tonight and will back it up to 8:30. I told her that I would read 2 stories and then she had to go to sleep and I had some things I needed to get done. She was fine with this but we'll see how it actually works out.
Thanks for your answers. BTW For everyone who asked "who's the parent here?" I agree this situation has gotten out of control but I also wanted to let you know that in every other aspect of life my daughter is really a good girl. She doesn't try to rule the roost and get away with anything. We have firm rules set in place for many things and she gladly obeys them. She is a little angel to take out in public so that's why I have a hard time with this. If she were naughty all day long I would have no interest in any cuddle time at bedtime however she is such a joy to be with most of the time that when it comes to bedtime I cave in pretty easy.
He needs counseling then if you do not leave! You cannot allow this! If it is effecting her too then do somehting. She is old enough to just go to bed!!
Her bed is not the problem, it is him! Fix him then put her to bed!
Moring
http://www.WorkingGreenMoms.com
I read your previous post. My heart breaks for you and your daughter. You say that your husband isn't physically violent. I think it's only a matter of time until he is. And even if he never is, this is no way to live. You say you can't leave for financial reasons, but it sounds as though you'd be better off, in every way without him. You are shouldering all the debt yourself anyway. Quit supporting him too. Besides, in a divorce, he would get at least half the debt. Please get some counseling for both you and your daughter and please consider leaving this man.
(btw - a husband who puts his arms around you and comforts you when you're crying DOES happen in real life.)
I wonder who needs whom more, maybe if she were in her own bed things might be better with your husband. I would also suggest you get her up as if going to school in the morning then she would be ready for bed at bedtime.
I am a grandmother of a nine year old and can not imagine her doing this, unless she thought maybe she is protecting someone in doing so.
I also think there is a lot of this that should not even be discussed with a nine year old. You can answer her questions but do not have to bring up her dad's bad behavior as if she is an adult. Have these discussions with your husband not you nine year old,
Hope I did not over step my bounds, I was also a divorced mother of two very young children and they never knew what happened until they figured it out themselves as they got older, never hid it from them but did not offer information they did not need to know at a young age.
I'd have to agree with the question that was asked earlier, "Who is the parent here?"
However, I can sort of relate to your "problem".
My son (he's 3) and I have co-slept since his birth...he was never that kind of child that "put themself to sleep" so I always, whether it was naps or night time, would lay with him until he fell asleep then gently crawl out of bed and he would continue to sleep. If he woke during the night, I simply would lie with him again and repeat the process. This may be what your child needs, she wants your attention and time and she's found that the only way to get it at night is to stay up with you. Perhaps if you spent some time putting her to bed, the interruptions would stop?
I'd take her to Borders, grab a new book or two together (age appropriate of course), and read some of it to her at bedtime. When she falls asleep...slip away for your "you time".
Good luck :)
Your going to end up having bigger problems when she older. Don't want to sound too harsh, but who is in charge here. Also who is the parent. This is not a good situation. Children need structure it makes them happier individuals. Get a good book for suggestions! It may take a lot of work and seem very hard initially but it will pay off in the end. Any child would do this if you let them. My daughter would!
Is this the only area of your relationship where you are headbutting?
Forgive me if I seem forward here, but it seems there is a real disconnect in who is the parent and who is the child in your relationship. *blushes*
She's not a baby who needs to be soothed or parented to sleep.
Has she recently undergone a traumatic experience that has changed her behavior? If so, I'd strongly suggest seeing a counselor to give her a safe space to work through it.
If not, well, I recommend talking to her about it in a non-charged environment (i.e., not at bed time). Tell her there are new rules. You will come in to tuck her in, you will kiss her goodnight, and then she will go to bed. You are not going to stay in her room, because you are the grown up, and you have things to do. Make it clear that this is non-negotiable. You expect her to go to bed in a timely fashion.
If she gets up after you put her to bed, you ignore her. She's not there. You don't talk to her or acknowledge her. She's too big to be carried back to bed like a recalcitrant preschooler, I imagine, so defend in place. If she follows you around, lock yourself in your bedroom with a book or a tv show. As far as you're concerned, at 8:30 your daughter went to bed and you are carrying about your business.
Who's the parent here?
Regardless of your husband's cruelty (who you should leave ASAP), you're setting your daughter up for a lifetime of not being able to do ANYTHING independently. Seems like you're using HER as an excuse to stay away from your husband. How selfish of you.
And leaving your husband is NEVER out of the question. I left my ex with two kids and am doing it on my own. Full-time work, going to nursing school AND taking care of my two kids. Grow up and see that this is NOT an ideal situation for you or especially your daughter.
M., we had that problem for many many years. My advice is that you have your daughter evaluated for possible anxiety issues. When my daughter was treated for mild anxiety she was finally able to go to sleep & stay asleep by herself. She has been doing this ever since - 4 years now.
Good luck, K.
Perhaps you should lie down with her at 8:30 until she falls asleep. (I can't imagine you'll fall asleep that early.) Once she's out, quietly leave and continue your evening, until you're ready for bed.
Her body is used to being up late and sleeping in, so there may be a transition period where it takes her a long time to fall asleep. Try to be patient and cuddly. If necessary, maybe start waking her up early so that she's exhausted by 8:30pm. Eventually, her body will get into a rhythm and your bedtime snuggle-time will be brief.
Maybe you can try a reward system at the end of the week if she goes to sleep by herself all week long. Or, if you think that wait would be too long for her to see any benefit, then you could try making a big deal out of the first two times she does it, and take her for ice cream or to do something that she has wanted to do for a while. Proimise her something good and stick to it, I am sure she will change. Good luck!
My daughter is 8, is a night owl, and is having girl trouble at school. She frequently needs someone there to be with her as she's falling asleep. I find that the more cuddle time we spend during the day or right before bedtime, she falls asleep easier. Unless she's had a really tough day or is experiencing a "Learning leap" or a growth spurt.
We do have her go to bed and read by her bed lamp. And then check in on her frequently. But when she really needs it, we cuddle.
She's going to be a preteen soon and won't want this then, so I'm looking at this as bonding time for the times to come.
S
I think it's time to start a bedtime routine and stick to it (probably should have happened a long time ago, but can't change that now). I know it can be hard, especially when she really wants you with her, but she is the child and you are the parent. She SHOULD be in bed by 8:30 and you SHOULD be allowed that adult time at night. I fear that you are making her dependent on you for sleep and that isn't a very good habit. Nine years old is really too old to be sleeping with you. I know it's hard, but maybe a little more discipline is in order here. I would send her off on her own and, even if she is waiting for you night after night, eventually she will fall asleep on her own. I'd also make a wake-up time part of the routine so she can't sleep as late as she'd like. This may also cause a problem down the road.
Good Luck!
Hi M.,
In my opinion, by as young as 2 or 3 a child should know that they need to go to bed w/out mommy or daddy. Especially if you're home with her all day, it's not like she's missed out on any quality time. I'd say "This is your bed time, not mine. You're a child, I'm an adult, you need to go to bed now... period." Children need structure, it makes them feel safe. You will not be putting her to bed when she's 15, she needs to get used to quiet alone time at night so she can do it herself.
Hope this helps,
E. K.
