A 4Th Baby at 34, Father 40? Thoughts, Please!

I wasn't even married at 34 and at least half my friends from all stages of life had their first at 34 or older. So I don't think age is an issue at all. I just think 4 is a lot of kids financially and from an environmental standpoint. I was also just talking with friends who said it seems like in families with 3 or more kids, one child has an issue. Maybe it's just odds. So the thought you have three healthy ones and should quit while you're ahead is not crazy to me.

My 4th child was born when I was 34..... and hubby was 40. (The other kids were 9, 7, and 5 at the time.)

Everything has worked out just fine.

I think if my grandmother can have babies until she's in her 50s and my husbands grandmother have one in her 60s then any woman who wants to have children in this time where we have excellent medical care can decide to have a baby and go do it.

Well, fast forward to when those 4 kids are graduating from high school. Ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching! I had two in college the same year - double the hemorrhaging, double the fun! Thank goodness, my older one just graduated and the only thing we're paying for is 10 bucks a month for him to be on our cell phone family plan. I have 3 more years to pay for my second one.

Camps, tutoring, sports, school, vacations for 4, the list goes on and on for how much money these kids cost over 22 years, each. The goal has always been to get them out of school before we retire - not long now. The point I'm making is that the costs really are exponential.

You should have a big insurance policy on both of you in case one of you dies, even with 3 kids. I took a term policy out on me just in case I was the one, so that my husband could hire full time help. And it's a 15 year policy before they go up on the premiums, just in time for my son to finish college. I'm glad I'm still alive, and glad I have the peace of mind having the insurance, knowing that I've done the right thing for my husband. And my husband has life insurance for me if he dies first.

So the money is the first thing. The second thing is what happens to your body after 4 babies. I can only give you the example of my mom, who birthed 4. Her bladder, rectum and vagina all started falling out. She had to have surgery and the incontinence never did get better. At least all the "stuff" is back in place. She's in her 80's now and it's dangerous to have these surgeries to fix things. And she kept putting it off and putting it off before having it done. (A lot of old folks are like that.) I am PRAYING that because I only had 2, that it won't happen to me. What happened to her in the long run worries me more than going through another actual pregnancy.

Thing is, you think you'll regret if you don't have another, but if you don't, and you miss having complications, you won't even know that you missed them. I know how lucky I was to make it through my second pregnancy without having almost half of it spent in bed like I did with my first pregnancy. And I know what it's like to spend YEARS getting my son's speech problem handled. Money, time, effort and a lot of heartache along the way.

So, you know what my thoughts are. Encouragement? Okay, not anything new, according to what you're saying others are saying. Enjoy those 3 you have. Maybe the difference is that I'm giving you some reasons you might not have thought of?

i really don't get this. you're both well within the child-having years, and you've got kids already so it's not like it's new to you.
since you're a mother of 3, i'm a little taken aback that you haven't formulated your own opinions sufficiently to hold firm against what 'everybody' tells you. since 'everybody' isn't going to raise your family for you, can you and your husband really not make this important decision based on your own faculties?
why are you scared of being pregnant?
?
i don't get that one at all.
many of us have had miscarriages. it's very sad indeed. you've overcome the sadness about yours to go on and have 3 more children. so i'm not sure why that's a thing either.
i mean, if you want another baby, but are afraid of pregnancy, i guess you could adopt, right? but it seems silly to me. and since at 34, and being the mother of 3, you're clearly an adult and capable of doing some research, you have to be aware that you and your husband are by a long shot not too old. so i guess i'm really not at all on board with all the dithering.
khairete
S.

I had my first child at 35 (turned 36 4 days later).

You are both so far from being old that I had to chuckle reading this.

It would be different if you were like 47 and wanting another baby.

I had my one and only child in my mid-40's (natural pregnancy by surprise!), so I think you're a youngster. The only thing that would scare me is taking care of 4 kids! I'm exhausted with one (but I'm in my 50's now) and she's 12.

I think pregnancy is the least of your worries, I would focus more on if you think you can give 4 kids the attention, time, finances, etc. that they need and deserve.

Some people are naturally organized and patient. If you are one of those people, one more to the mix may not be a problem. I know for me, 4 kids would throw me over the edge (3 kids would too!)

I had my first child at 39.

This is going to have to be your (and your hubby's) decision.
It would be too much for me - but you aren't me.
We have one son and I was 36 when we had him.
We have one child to save up for college and we can spoil him without having to spread resources thin.
We won't have to work forever because we have college bills and retirement coming at the same time.

Our first baby was born when I was 36 and my husband was 40. Our 2nd was born two years later. 34 seems young to me! Another pregnancy may seem more tiring with being a little older and already having three kids, but only because you were a lot younger with your first babies. I felt more tired with my 2nd, but it was more the running after a 2 year old. Your doctor may say that you are now "advanced maternal age" and more likely to have a baby with Down Syndrome. But to be honest, I know three families with Down Syndrome kids very well. All of them had their Down Syndrome babies (4 babies between the three families) when they were all in their late 20s. Don't let that scare you from trying if you both think you want to go for it. Plus, everyone thinks I'm a lot younger than I am because my kids were born when I was older. That's a nice little perk!

I would never even consider having a baby in my thirties, but that's me. Every situation is different, though. You're not me.
If you and your husband both want another baby and can supprt four kids, go for it. If you're not sure, then hold off. No baby should be conceived as a maybe-wanted or as a hedge against future regrets.

I had my first (and only) at 39.
Textbook pg, no complications, difficulties or concerns. My husband was 42 at the time.
First or last, I don't see your ages as a concern.

I don't see the age as a huge issue if mom and dad are in good health.

Is this just an urge to be pregnant again now that the baby is 2? Why do you want 4? We can't answer your question. It's very private between you and hubby.

My concern would be can you financially manage #4 ( college education) among other obligations of being a parent while still planning for retirement.

We have 1 and only daughter 20, with no regrets whatsoever. We knew our family was complete with 1.

I have 2 family members now pregnant with #6 each and it's crazy. Both are financially stable and there are no issues as far as education and retirement. They just wanted large broods.

I know couples who didn't start having kids til they were your age. Every family is different, and only you can say what is right for you. But I think you should talk to your doctor before going too much farther into the process. He/she will be better able to give you the run down on your risks and what it will do to your body.

I don't think 34 is too old at all. Many people I know didn't even have their first baby until they were around that age. If you and your husband both feel ready for a 4th, I certainly don't think your age should hold you back. Even by medical terms, you're not old yet. Go for it and good luck.

34 and 40 are nothing! I was 37 and my husband was was in his 40s. And we aren't the oldest of our friends.

What scares you about being pregnant? The fear of another miscarriage? That's understandable and no amount of logic about percentages will help you get over all of that. But are there other things that scare you? Those are things you can discuss with your husband, your doctor, your counselor.

If you want a child but not necessarily to be pregnant, there are other ways to add a child to your family. Does it have to be a baby, for example? What about an older child. If that doesn't interest your, then the biological aspect (your bio clock, etc.) are factors. So you need to explore those. Figure out if you want another pregnancy, or another baby, or a child, or both.

I do think you should consider working with a counselor short term to get to the bottom of your feelings.

Hi E.,

With all due respect I will throw in one question. Do you want another child because you like having a baby in the house or do you want another child because you want to bring another life into the world to complete your family?

I am NOT saying this is you but I have known women who love the baby chapter of their childrens' lives but once the baby moved along in age and stage they seemed not to relate as readily as before.

I don't think your ages are a factor but if I were in yours and your husband's shoes, I would examine my motivation carefully before making any decisions.

And I see no harm or foul in reaching out to get some objective input. Good luck to you and yours!! S.

I had my first child at 34 when my husband was 42, so obviously age didn't stop us! I had our second and youngest child when I was 39. My doctor did give me a book about pregnancy over 35, but the prenatal care was pretty much the same.

Wow! I can't believe you think 34 is too old to have a child. I feel ancient now :-)

We have 6 kids - our biggest factor wasn't so much "are we too old when they were born/little" but rather "how old will we be when . . . they are teenagers, start driving, graduate high school, graduate college, likely have children of their own." We decided that we wanted to be empty nesters by the time my husband turned 55 - giving us at least 10 years before he retires to work on finishing up building our own retirement and making sure that we were completely financially stable before retirement age hit." Also, we wanted to be at an age (no guarantees, of course - can't predict when offspring will have offspring!) where we could enjoy our grandchildren if we had any.

If you get pregnant in the next year, and you are pregnant for just under a year, your husband would be 42 (approx.) when your little would be born. That would put him at 60 or so when this one graduates. Not that that is a bad thing - lots of folks are in their 60s when their kids are graduating. However, is that what YOU want?

Good luck no matter what you decide!

That is the exact age my hubby and I were when we had our one and only.

34 is so not old. And neither is 40. Have a baby because you want one. If you are scared and nervous, be blessed with what you have.

Of course it makes sense. It's a mixed bag of emotions for all of us when thinking of having another baby (most of us anyway). It's a big decision and deserves serious thought. Sure you have three and many would be happy with that. But if you want more that's your choice. I'm not sure why your ages have much to do with the conversation at this point. I'm having my S. at 37 and my only other child is almost 9 lol. As long as you can afford it financially, and you and hubby are on the same page, you do exactly what you feel is right. That's the only thing that is important. Good luck!

Who is too old...you or your husband? Neither is too old at all except the fact that this is your 4th and for many people, that could be stressful. Your husband is pretty young to be on blood pressure meds...does he like having that many little kids? I am 38, my husband is 40...we are expecting our second child. Not that we are spring chickens but I don't think that is old. I think in your case, you have not mentioned what you r husband wants. 4 children is a lot to support...do you have family nearby that can help with childcare?

Family size is up to up to you. Health issues are known in depth by you. Your ages are young. I had my kids at 35, 37 and 39. Men are often older than their wives. Most of my friends had their kids late 30's or early 40s with older husbands.

I had my first at 35 and my second at 43. I have high blood pressure, thyroid issues, high cholesterol and fast heart rate. I had gestational diabetes with pregnancy #2. I manage it all and feel very healthy now at age 47. My 4 year old keeps me young!
If you want a 4th and feel your family is not complete, then go for it.

My hubby and I had our first child together when he was 39 and I was 31. We did not get married until later in life so that is what happened for us. I had a baby which I gave up for adoption when I was 23 and at that time in life I would have not been a good mom at all.

I think if you want another then have another. See what your hubby wants as it is up to both of you.

Good luck and many blessings

34 is young :)

You don't have any illnesses, so that shouldn't be a concern.

You should never do anything in case you might *regret* it later on - never a good reason to make a life changing decision. You should be sure.

What other people think about number of children is completely irrelevant. Do you care how many children they have? No.

Just because you miscarried (sorry to hear this) does not mean you will again. Understandable concern but you've had other healthy children since.

As for when is best time/best number/what age or having them out of house by certain point ... there's no magic formula to this. Life could change in an instant. Ours did. My health deteriorated to the point where I basically couldn't mother for a number of years.

Do I regret having kids? Nope. We just changed how we parented and made life changes to support our lives now. Anything is possible - but my husband and I were on same page. I continuously see that on this site where mom and dad aren't - whatever you decide, you both have to really want this 4th child. You don't mention what he thinks/wants here so just wanted to mention that.

The biggest thing we considered when having more kids was how it would affect our already existing family. If it will add to it (time, energy, resources..) but we wanted our last child as much as we wanted our first. Then when we were done, we knew it.

If it's a really big question you both can't answer, I would take that as a sign. Just my thought :) Or let it go for a while and see where you are in 6 months or a year. You have plenty of time - lots of people don't even start till well past your age.

Good luck :)

It's your business, not theirs. If you and your husband want another baby, have one! If you can afford it, and you and your husband are healthy, don't let other people's concerns keep you from adding to your family.