A Curse of Pee

You've gotten some interesting answers that may give you some help, but I can see a potential for most of them to backfire, too. "Ruined" toys get thrown away? He'll probably choose to pee on things that you can't/won't throw out, like carpets, furniture and clothing. Putting him to bed early? Perhaps he actually needs more sleep, but if he doesn't, what's to keep him from peeing on his bed in protest?

Having him clean up after himself is probably the best idea, but I'd put a VERY careful check on myself if I were you to present this consequence in a completely calm manner, perhaps even help him cheerfully with the cleanups. This may not only take the steam out of his activity, but give the two of you a way to bond, and help assure him that no matter what he does, you love him and want him in your life.

All behaviors are strategies for meeting some perceived need. (This is true for adults as well as children. You can ALWAYS find some need driving a behavior if you look for it.) I would imagine your son has a great deal of anxiety about how permanently you will be in his life, as well as possibly grief for the other family members he had come to rely on emotionally. In addition to wanting to have his own way, he could be testing you to see whether you will leave him again. I've seen angry, defensive, and "rejecting" behaviors in populations of children who have experienced rejection or deep loss. After they satisfy themselves that the adult will hang in there and care about them, much of that behavior subsides. (This can take awhile.)

You say he's a loving little boy. This is wonderful – this is the child who wants a connection with you. If I were in your position, I would put most of my energy into two responses.

First, noticing when he does cooperative, loving things. Don't reward, and don't praise excessively for his behaving properly. Just notice out loud, "I see a boy who helped clean his room … came when I called … gave me a sweet smile … got dressed by himself …" etc. Or, "Those are some big feelings you've handled there … That was such a grownup way to handle that situation …" etc. Just notice with a friendly voice and a smile, and at least sometimes, a thank you. This may take some real effort on your part if this doesn't come naturally. But a loving child longs for connection and approval above almost anything else, and when you can give him that, he'll start finding ways to get more of those strokes.

Second, I hope you'll get the wise and practical book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. This book is a gem, overflowing with real, encouraging examples of how parents helped set the conditions for the child to address the problem himself. And though we don't usually think about young children in these terms, they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.

My daughter did the same thing, from the time she was 4 until she was 9. It was so unbelievable unacceptable and unsanitary, but she did it when she was angry and when she wanted to feel she was in control. She. too, hated to ever be told "no."

It was so frustrating to try to talk to other parents, because they assumed I meant she was wetting her pants. No: She would pull down her pants, squat, pee on stuffed toys, the floor, whatever, then pull up her pants WITHOUT getting herself or her clothes wet. One of her favorite places became down the heating vents, assuming that we couldn''t tell. And she never did it in front of adults; she just waited for us to discover it.

The thing that FINALLY worked is what psychologist John Rosemond calls, "kicking the child out of the Garden of Eden." We emptied her room of everything except her furniture and a few clothes. We told her that if she peed on the bed, she lost it, too. We then explained that she was making our house and everyone in it (including a baby brother) unsafe, and we just couldn't allow that. Because of her choices, she'd have to stay in her room all weekend, except for bathroom breaks and meals. After the weekend, she could start to earn back toys, books, games etc one at a time. She would also be allowed in the rest of the house, provided she treated it, and everyone and everything in it, respectfully.

Saturday was a LOOOOOONG day for all of us. Sunday we were out of the house (church, her aunt's home) most of the day.

It FINALLY worked. She never did it again.

See how much of John Rosemond's stuff you can find to read online. He's very no nonsense and logical, and uses easy to understand language.

Try this-tell him that you just go off the phone with his doctor and he is concerned about his peeing behavior. The doctor thinks that it might be because he needs more sleep. So he will be going to go to bed right after dinner so that he can get more sleep. Of course he is going to hate it but keep with it for a good 2 weeks. Then see if he is still peeing. Andy relapse gets him another 2 weeks. I bet you he stops peeing on things.

And when he is in bed its lights out...no messing around.

Try rewarding for no peepee. Like if he goes a whole day without pee then he gets chocolate milk, something really easy.
Also get Nature's Miracle from Petsmart. It will at least eliminate the odor if he continues.
Watch him like a hawk and put him back in diapers.
His world has been turned upside down and the only thing he has control over is where he pees.
Be consistent and he will stop peeing on you.

Hello, My husband and I had custody of one of our grandsons for three years. He was only five months old when we took custody. He is not twelve years old and a wonderful young man. He is, however, very disrespectul to his parents. This is due to the fact that his mother allows him to talk to her in a very disrespectful way and his father badgers him. They now live with me since my husband passed away.
If I were you, I would take him to another counselor. He sounds like he is not only very angry (possibly for "taking" him away from the people he had learned to count on for his daily needs), as well as very scared (he may be afraid that you are going to leave again). I would make sure he is allowed to visit his grandparents weekly. I would also make sure to reassure him that you are not ever going to leave.
You might want to remind him that big boys do not pee wherever they want to, that they use the toilet. When he does use the toilet, I would put a sticker on a chart and when he reaches a certain goal, have him pick from a list of things he wants to do.
I really hope this all works out for you. Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

Your son is acting out and I think that is normal. It sounds like he's been through a lot in his 4 years and he probably doesn't understand everything that is going on. I'm glad you're working with a counselor. Keep it up! Can you do a reward system when he doesn't pee? Maybe he gets a sticker or treat if he doesn't pee on something for an hour or before lunch, etc. I know when kids experience traumatic events, they can regress in areas like potty training.

May I suggest SUPERNANNY!!! I honestly think that if you can not have her come to your home, the you may want to pic up one of her books. This may also sound cruel and it is SOOOO far from that place I want to assure you but maybe a book on intergrating an adopted child to your home. And I say this because it may have good stratgies on reversing behaivor when a child is in a new environment and from the sound of it that is what is going on. I can not imagine the stress/joy you are going thur yourself from being away for whatever reason it was to now being reuinted with your child and that is probably not helping the situation either. I pray you understand where I am coming from with my suggestion and you are not offended but that is what I would do were I in your shoes.

Make him clean his pee up. Get a spray bottle with soapy water (so he cant dump the bucket out of anger) get him a towel and let him clean it up. If he pees on his toys say oh no this toy is ruined now I guess it has to go in the trash. Throw it away he wont want the rest of his toys in the trash. And also note that you will not buy him anymore toys until he stops peeing on them because it wastes your money if you just throw the toys away. Reward him with a new toy or something if he goes 1 week without peeing on anything, then 2 weeks etc. Keep with the counselor that can't hurt anything. Apparently he knows the power of pee, you just need to find a way to take the power away. If he threatens to do it let him, give him the spray bottle/towel and make him clean it up without a huge fiasco about it. If he refuses to clean it I'd make him sit in it with his pants on so his pants absorb the pee.

I am a big fan of natural consequences. I would let him know in a calm, matter-of-fact way that you will no longer be cleaning up his pee mess. He will. He will get tired of it pretty fast.

Also, in combination with this, heap on the positive attention whenever possible. This poor little guy has been through a lot and has had a major life change. That's hard for anyone to process, let alone a 4 year old.

You sound like a mom who is completely invested in her child. He is very lucky to have you! Best of luck to you and your precious boy!!