A Follow up to Pity Party Family Member

Just leave it.
Its probably good that this happened. From now on, when he starts complaining about these same old pitiful things, say, "Well, you know what I think about that. I am sorry you are unhappy." and leave it at that.

Stop talking to him about this misery.

I know people like this, and it makes me crazy. I dont want to hear complaining about the same thing, over and over and over. Venting is fine and good, but constant "poor me" with no effort to help themselves - its idiotic.

I dont think that listening and empathizing is being compassionate, I think it is enabling.

Offer a sincere apology for being too harsh and tell him you have faith that he can figure things out. Then, just leave it alone and don't indulge in listening to him whine anymore. Some people need wake up calls... but usually those wake up calls just make them feel more convicted in their self woe. Really, the best thing to do is to not go there. I've done the same thing and it ended up very badly, so now, I just sit by and keep my ears and mouth shut.

Honestly, I would have done the same thing you did.
It might be harsh, but they way I see it is,
If you aren't going to handle your situation, you deserve what you have.
Obviously there are exceptions.

I kinda have this with my husband. He keeps complaining about how much his job sucks, and that he HATES going there. So the other night, i said "Well stop bitching, and do something about it" He said I was right.

If someone has the ability to make their lives better, but doesn't, it is their own fault.
Also a lot of people like that, My little sister is one of them, Are always getting sympathy or help. So they never get better or learn.
Some people need the harsh truth to get them off there behinds.

Don't feel bad. Just leave it. He wants pity. It makes him feel better because then he can still feel sorry for himself and not become an active force in his own life.
He's a kind of emotional vampire and he can suck the energy from a room.
He might change Or he might not.
He might continue to look for people to hear his sorry story over and over again till everyone is tired of hearing it.
Some people look for reasons to fail and do not look for ways to succeed.
If you don't want to hear it anymore - then don't.
Hang up or excuse yourself when he starts up the same old refrain.

Sounds like he has a mental health issue - depression & who knows what else. Being someone who has enjoyed pretty good mental health I always had a very tough time understanding people like your family member. Then my own DD, who is beautiful, smart, funny, talented began to suffer from depression - and my world got rocked. I've learned SO much about mental health - some people are blessed with an emotional resilience and can "do life" easily. They can take on challenges without fear, they can lose a job, a love, their home and somehow bounce back. That's me. Nothing is a problem, I can survive anything. My father deserted our family when I was 13, my mom was disabled and ill for a couple of years needing spinal surgery, our family was on public assistance, etc. I've lost a job, went through divorce, lsot people I loved and I've always managed, had my tough times, but got through.

Now here my DD has both parents, all the emotional support she needs, she's tall, thin, smart, pretty, she does volunteer work with disabled children, she helps old ladies... From all accounts she should feel accomplished, well rounded, satisfied - yet she has this huge hole in her emotions. She's tried to hurt herself, she feels this sense of hopelessness, she feels this pain that no one can understand. There's a family history of depression on my husband's side of the family - and my DD drew the short straw and got that gene (her younger borther is the most easy -going kid on the earth). And it's a struggle. We've worked with talk-counselors and psychiatrists, she'd on medication and meets with a counselor on a regular basis so she can re-learn good coping skills and discard the old ones that she developed based on the faulty way her emotions work.

People like your relative probably smoke weed to self-medicate. The part of his brain that regulates emotions is not working properly and he doesn't know any other way of thinking and responding. He needs counseling and perhaps medication to address his brain's imbalances.

So - you don't need to stick around and listen to his continued verbal complaints - but I do urge you to stick by him and encourage him to get the care he needs. Most counties have low-cost mental health clinics and facilities that can be of some assistance. Try to look up depression online and see what kind of guidance you can find for family member & friends. I can tell you this - it's not easy and it's generally a long road with bumps and potholes. We have had our ups and downs, there are weeks that are very tough - and others that are great. But if this is a person you love, then do your best to guide that person to get help. If he gets the help he needs he will see progress - but progress that is best measured over weeks and months not days.

Good luck mama-sista.

The bottom line is - what was your motivation? That will dictate your next move. Was it out of genuine love and because youwant to see him happy and whole and living a fulfilled life? Or was it because he gets on your nerves and you get tired of other people getting by being lazy and getting things handed to them while you have to work so hard for everything you have? If it came from a place of love - tell him that. Offer to help him make a plan and set some goals. Point him toward some resources and build him up. If it came from your own irritation - apologize and tell him that.

I used to think it was my job to set the world straight too. I thought I had a duty to tell people the hard truth noone else would tell them. I even thought it was brave of me! What a damn fool I was! When it comes right down to it, I can dish it out but I can't take it. I am a person in a glass house. I do not want anyone pointing out my biggest flaws to me. I was really hoping no one would notice the things I struggle with privately. Once I realized that I started leaving people to thier own neurosis. I have found that people generally already know what thier problems are, so pointing them out is just a blow to thier already fragile egos.

I am very vocal with close friends and family, I am honest about what I see, and try to encourage them to better whatever the situation/issue is. To me if they are family or a good friend and need a wake up call or the help I WILL be the one to ask if they would like help in getting whatever done/started. If everyone remains quiet NOTHING is going to change, granted the person needs to be willing to change but they also need loving caring people to give them the help. It is like walking by a hungry person hold a sign 'will work for food' and you have a cash in wallet or a bag full of groceries and say 'someone else will help him/her.' If everyone said that this would be a much worse and sadder world.

Now if you think you were too harsh then offer your apologizes, let him know that you care and love him but that you will not listen to this whining anymore. If he starts walk out of the room or what I do if I can not walk out is say 'if you want advice countinue' or turn your attention to something else to show you will not listen to the pity party any more.

Like Leslie pointed out, there is a fine line between Empathy and Enabling. I think you already TRIED the Empathy route. I think if you continued that route it would have turned into Enabling.

Let him come to you. You were honest, you're trying to help. You did what you could. Let it go.

:(

Hard to say. You know him best. He may be clinically depressed. He might just be a male Debbie Downer.
Most of all maybe, just maybe, it was WHAT he needed to hear WHEN he needed to hear it.

People like that are extremely hard for me to take as well. Complaining constantly, yet never doing O. single positive thing to change their situation. And the annoyance factor is cumulative. Sounds like he's been re-playing his song for a looooong time.

I would leave it. Most people do not want to hear the truth. I agree with you on him complaining and not doing anything to fix it. Has he changed any at all since you laid into him?

In my experience, even though I 100% agree with you (I hate pity parties), it probably would never have done you any good to say anything, regardless of the way you said it. My brother is exactly how you described, so I just have to leave it alone. I make sure not to ever bring up subjects that might upset me because I know he will upset me but I also know that if I say something, he doesn't care. Just love him for who he is, limitations and all.

Ugh nothing worse than a person that thinks the world owes them. I get so sick of these people pulling me down and I feel drained literally after hanging out or talking with these people. You know the saying you can't lead a horse to water. You can shoot the dang horse and put it out of it's misery. Ha Ha. Anyways you should apologize and just say that sometimes it's sad to hear this person always being depressed and it gets you down. While you probably shouldn't have laced into him like that it probably secretly felt really good. Let him know that you are there for him and when he starts getting depressed and talking that way either change the subject or let him know that he is starting to get you down and you need to leave or get off the phone. Maybe he will get the hint. Maybe he will change and maybe he wont, but family is family and while we can't always get rid of them they are there. Good Luck and stay happy for you.