I Am Completely Lost

So, I'm assuming since you mentioned Iraq that your military. Go to Family Support, talk to his commander and have him "invited" to seek counseling, and...Call Dr Laura with your hubby on the phone--you may not agree with her but she will get the wheels turning.

You know, sometimes those tough men find it easier to fight a war than be a family man because of all they're carrying around inside. Some of them forget who they are.

Do you keep a journal? Have you in the past? Did you write the wonderful things you loved about your man when you were falling in love and newly married?? Reread them. Have your husband read them...(just place the journal in front of him and let him pick it up at his own pace)...and tell him "That guy is who you ARE, this guy you're being right now isn't...I love you both, but THAT guy is the real you and I miss him" Anytime your man tells you he isn't something good anymore, tell him he IS but that he's BEING something else right now and that you have faith he'll do what it takes to be at peace again WITH you.

He may be very disappointed with himself and thing he's done something so bad that you could never love him the same way, or shouldn't love him. Sometimes they do that.

He may also worry about himself, his emotions and reactions to everyday life with children...he may not trust himself.

Now, most of these things I've said are based on you being military. If you're not...insist on a workup with a PSYCHIATRIST (not a psychologist) because they are medical doctors who also understand psychological issues but can treat for physical ailments affecting emotional/mental functions as well. Just set the appointment and take him, no questions, no asking if he will or is willing...just TAKE HIM.

This is hard, but you can do this. Pray, pray, pray... Watch for ANY improvement, even if you feel like you're splitting hairs...allow yourself to feel victory in the very smallest of little things because THAT IS where battles and wars are won. You're fighting for your husband's life here, your marriage, your children's father, your lover, your best friend, your family. Give it ALL you have...and then...Honey, give it to God to work out. You may have to cut him loose to survive...but don't give yourself that option so you know, IF it does come down to it, that you have done EVERYTHING simple, complicated, and radical to save it all and you'll have peace...and your children will, too.

My dearest sister,

Oh, how my heart goes out to you. I am also a wife of an Iraq vet, my husband is in the Army Reserves and has been home since 4/1/04. My husband did eventually seek help after one night in his sleep he tried to strangle me. The VA has him on medication, which is helping with the depression. What are husbands are going through we can never understand or comprehend? So as women who love to talk it out and are married to men who don't, how do we help them? I can hear my dearest friend telling me to do my nagging on my knees. What I am learning (and I am somewhat of a slow learner) is to give it over to God and let Him handle it. How do we help them? We need to let them know they are our heroes not just becuase they went to war, but because they are our protectors, providers, etc. Let him know that you respect him. Write him letters acknowledging his manhood. Let him know it's okay to be depressed and that what ever it takes you will be there fighting for him and your family. When he plops himself down in front of the TV you do the same and just be still with him, or make his favorite meal, snack, etc. and put it all out for him. Let him know you love him where he is. If he is being physically abusive I believe that is another direction you need to go. On your own time (which I know is non existant) research PTSD. Get counseling for yourself whether it be from a pastor, a friend or a counselor. Just so you can vent and have someone cheering you on. I committ to praying for you and your hubby and I hope that there are those out there who are believers will also committ to praying for you and your husband and that he will see the need to seek help.
You speak of a higher spirituality and deep religious beliefs, so I am not exactly sure what that means. But if Jesus Christ is your personal saviour you will know that God is the greatest physician and He can heal and work wonders. I am here for you. My husband is a counselor for his full time job. He has helped many of his fellow soldiers. I will also ask for his advice and pass it along. I could go on and on, but I will stop and if you need anything feel free to contact me. As a soldiers wife: NEVER GIVE UP - NEVER SURRENDER. In WWI the soldiers of the 91st Brigade recited Psalms 91 daily. This is an amazing prayer to read daily. Love J.

M., I just spoke with my hubby. He said that one thing that sticks out in his mind is that that time period that he served in Iraq was just living to fulfill his duty. The real thought of possibly dying hit him everyday. He consentrated on surviving and living in the moment. Then he came back to the States and his survival wasn't needed and became confused as to what his next purpose in life was. M., I think it's harder on younger soliders who aren't fulfilled in there careers. I can remember my hubby was in a daze for awhile when he first came home - he kept saying 'doesn't anybody know we are at war, it's like what we did doesn't even exist'. Just remember that most of the people responding here are women and they don't feel or think like men - especially warriors. My husband said to speak with someone in your family readiness group and get advice from someone going through your same situation. Also the VA gave him the book "Courage Under Fire" to read. He saysa it talks about the anger issue. He says I am supposed to read it to so I can have some insight. Also, if you are in the Army, contact army one source. I know they give free counseling to soldiers, maybe even spouses. Hang in there. All things are possible. Love J.

M.,
I have been on the other side of this issue. I was the one depressed. (I had two babies under four at home.)
I did eventually seek help and am SO glad my husband did not abandon me! It has been years of getting things back on track because we didn't know what was wrong with me for so long. A person who is depressed cannot help or diagnose themselves. They are too deep into the "Hole" and it is all they can do just to get through the day.

I encourage you to seek counseling for yourself, because that will also give you strength to deal with what you are going through. Getting him to seek help may be difficult but worth it for all of you. I'm sure he loves his family but is so "lost" right now that he can't function the way he would like to be able to.

Try to do something for yourself, even if it is to take a bubble bath when kids are in bed. Be nice to yourself and know that things can and DO get better! (We have been married 23 years and our marriage is now stronger than ever!)

I will keep you and your family in my prayers!
God's Blessings!
A.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you. All I wanted to say is that you should do what is necessary for you and your children. It makes my heart hurt when I hear that he tells you that he would like to choose when you and your children are around. My response to this is "you will at your scheduled visitations" which wouldn't be many if he forgets to feed and change their diapers. I know that may seem harsh and I am all for fighting for a marriage but the fight can not be one sided, because you will lose every time. You should not have to sacrifice you to make it work, maybe after some time away from his family he will see that you are all worth fighting for and get the help he needs. I am no professional by any means,but I hope that for you and your childrens sake you can find a happy ending, what ever that may be soon!

Hi
My husband is a VA chaplain. The VA system has developed ways to help and support soldiers and families with the after affects of the war. Often emotional pains are based on biophysical responses to experiences. Advances today don't just sedate the individual but truly allow them to 'move on' using adjustments to these chemicals the body produces. The VA is prepared to help. But you may have to be persistent in order to make the right contacts and unfortunately if services are not in your town - commute to where they are. Don't give up.

M.,

Hang in there. Love is a choice and a decision not just a feeling. Your husband needs some counseling. I would talk with your church and see if they can recommend a good consoler in your area. There are some really good books I would recommend you read and if you can have him read also. One is the "Five Love Languages" by Dr Gary Chapman. It will help you to talk to him in his way of receiving love and maybe help him to feel more secure with you that he can than start to see he needs help. The other one is about grieving which I am sure he is still dealing with all that he saw over there plus the mixed messages he is getting here from all of the political crude we are seeing right now. That is what ticks me off with people, your husband and you made some HUGE sacrifices for us and we need to support you and say thank you again and again and again.

Any way the name of the book is not coming to me right now. Sorry. I will email it to you as soon as I get it.

I would maybe recommend that you see a consoler also. You are dealing with a lot of stuff and trying to carry the load for both of you. Trust me I know I have been there several times myself. Talk with someone who will help you work through this and help you stand by your family.

God bless you all.

M. the name of the book is Recovering From Losses in Life by H. Norman Wright.

After talking with several people who have gone through divorces they all seem to say the same thing they wish they would have tried every possible source to fix it. It's not going to happen over night but there is hope. I know you still love him or you would not be reaching out for help. I will pray for you.

J.

M., I am a grandmother and a senior citizen who also believes in keeping a family together. My husband also went through a stage of depression. He worked for a mental hospital and brought a lot of the "sick" stories home. He stayed in front of the TV, was very short tempered all of the time and I was carrying the entire load of the family except for the money he brought home to pay for some of the bills. I had a sick mother to care for and four teenagers and had to also work because economy was so bad. I never felt so alone in my life and thought it was impossible to go no as a family. One day I looked in the newspaper to find an apartment and then I realized how stupid and impossible that was. Financially I could not do it. I ended up just doing a lot of praying and surrounding myself with positive people and faithful praying friends. My husband would not go for counseling either and the one time he did go with me he told the counselor that his wife felt there was a problem in the marriage but he said it is her problem because "I don't have one." I begged him to take me out on a date once in a while but he said "can't afford it" yet he spent hundreds of dollars on hunting and camera equipment. M., all I can say is don't quit praying and get counseling for yourself and the children if possible since your husband won't cooperate. If there is no positive change at all in the coming months, you may have to decide to separate for a while to give him time to think. Is there anyone you can stay with for a brief time until he is motivated to realize he is destroying those things that mean the most. Maybe being alone will stir up some action in him. Do you know anyone who could contact him while you are away and talk with him - some man - a neighbor, a friend of the family, a pastor. He needs a mentor - someone to get him back on the right track. Leave the door open to visit you and the kids when he wants to but I would be careful about leaving them alone with him while he is do depressed. We have a ranch here in Colorado where
men like your husband are getting help. Check your website for Eagle Summit Ranch and see if he would qualify or be interested. The men accepted are usually physically scarred in many ways like the owner Dave Roever who was severely burned in viet nam but your husband is scarred on the inside and that needs treatment as well. If you would like to e-mail me, I can be located at ____@____.com the way, my husband and I have been married for almost 50 years. We survived the marriage crisis and each marriage has its own crisis but God is faithful and is in the business of restoring love and acceptance. Hope this helps, J.

M.,
I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. It must be very difficult for you to watch your husband behave this way while trying to raise two children.
I can't tell you what will work or what will fix your situation, but I can offer a suggestion, and hopefully it will help. I think you should try again to get him to counseling, both individually and as a couple. It is clear from your description that he could benefit from it, and I am guessing that you could too. You should find a counselor you trust and can talk to even if your husband refuses to go. A good counselor should be able to help you decide what your options are and what is in your family's best interest.
I'm sorry I don't have more of an answer for you. I hope that things start to improve for you soon. Good luck and take care.

HI! My heart aches for you. Think of your kids first. Your two year old may not remember this in a few years but there is a pretty good chance that your four year old will. And it may scar him for life. For for your husband to think that he deserves to have you and the kids around "when he wants, but not all the time" is completely wrong and extremely selfish. I guess most of us don't really know what a soldier goes through in a war and it's got to be hard but it DOES NOT give him the right to treat those who love him the most so badly.
I cannot contemplate ever considering a divorce, but I don't know where I'd be were I in your shoes. I'm sure that I cant completely understand what you are going through but I do know that you and most certainly your kids, do not deserve that kind of treatment and should absolutely not put up with it.
Tell him how you feel about the guy he's become and that if he doesn't get his act together, he wont be seeing you or the kids even "when he wants". And then follow through on it. I don't mean divorce, only separation. And I pray for your sake that it does not come to that.
You must believe me when I say that you are worth more than that. And no child deserves to be treated in such a way by a parent or any other person.
Once again, I'm sure that I couldn't comprehend being in your situation and I may not know what I'm talking about. Just pray about it and do what you feel you need to do. I really feel for you and I'll be praying for you and your family.

Maybe you could throw the TV out??? J/K

Your Husband is showing EVERY sign of major depression! He is probably dealing with post tramatic stress disorder too! Many Soldiers who return from wars are just like your husband. Mine still deals with PSTD after returning from the first Iraq war more than 17 years ago. They will never be totally the same man that left you! DO NOT GIVE UP ON HIM OR YOUR MARRIAGE! I feel so sorry for what your husband is dealing with, he may not even realize how seriously ill he is.
Although many of the things you are seeing in him; the distraction, the detachment, and even the irritaion, may seem like an unloving thing for him to be doing to you, look at it this way, his actions are much more likely to be a way to protect you and your children from the feeling he is going through! He detaches himself and makes it difficult for you to be around him, thus protecting you from himself! He can't shake the memories and feelings of fear, guilt and anger that comes with any man/soldier that has seen combat! But a soldier is supposed to be able to handle anything, stand up and face death and never blink, he simply can't get the two men he is, the soldier and the human man who is struggling, straight in his own head.

Talk to him even if he isn't active in the conversation!!! He will not respond for a while but keep telling him how much you love him and want him feel better about life again, how much you value your life together and his love for you! The conversation you had where neither of you could answer if you loved each other was stress, fear and rejection talking, you obviously love him!!! So tell him every chance you get! Give him the space he needs, invite him to be a part of your family and then accept when he can't do it! Acknowledge to him that you understand he is going through a difficult time and you will be here for him when he is ready! If he feels you are there for him without judgement or pressure, he will at least begin to want to come out of the depression. Pray for him, in private and in front of him! Let him hear you tell your children how much you love him! Reach across the table and touch his hand when he seems the farthest away from you. No matter how hard it will be for you, when you got married you swore to him and God that you would be there in sickness and health. This is the sickness challenge! Make no mistake you are dealing with a physical illness as well as an emotional illness! It may take months for him to begin to come out of this! Love him, do all you can to remember those feeling you had before he left and while he was gone! Look past the flaws, so what if he is not the same man you married, none of us are the person we were when we got married! And your children deserve their two parents, divorce is ugly and miserable! You will not fix anything by leaving!
But your children need to be taken care of properly too! If you can, quit your job and stay home, or find a daycare situation while you are at work, if you must leave them make plans ahead of time to ensure they are being taken care of. Prepare lunches in advance that they can access, like a sack lunch on the kitchen counter (I realize a 2 year old couldn't do this but a 4 year old could), make several phone calls through out the time you are away to check in, talk about what was for lunch with the kids, ask questions that seem innocent, "the baby was struggling with going potty yesterday, was she Ok today,? How many times did she go?" ect... Children are resiliant and although it is never Ok to neglect them, understand that what has happened is probably not a purposful abusive situation. If the situation turns from him being irritated to him being physically abusive, then you need to leave!

Lastly, You both need to be seen by a therapist! There are programs for Veterans or active duty that will help. I have read several of the posts that say call his CO but I would be very careful about that, talk to a military chaplin/bishop, a counselor and other military families first to see what kinds of help is available on your base and what thier experiences have been. There are always support groups for spouses and you will find a wealth of knowledge from the people who are dealing with this kind of stuff too!I know it is better than it used to be when you reported a soldier to his CO for these kinds of issues, and there isn't supposed to be punishment or retribution but it is common for men to be picked over for advancment who have shown weakness, unfourtunatly, PTSD is considered a weakness in a soldier. Use it as a last resort if he is active duty. If he is a veteran, I would suggest he go to the V.A. They have wonderful Dr.'s in almost every town who will help and who understands what he is going through! He may need to go on medication to help him return to somewhat normal.

God Bless you both!

I am so sorry, I have no advice for you. I just wanted to thank you for your sacrifice. Your husband deserves accolades, but so do the wives that support our country with thier husbands. Freedom is not free.

I appreciate and respect that many of the responses encourage you to stick it out and get help, but if he is not willing to get help, then you sometimes have to look at the situation for what it is and move on. If not for you then for your kids!!!
Hoping it will change is not enough and the damage you can do to your kids will be life long.
You and your kids deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you and if your husband can not be that man you can't just stick around because of vows!
He is breaking his vows in how he is treating you and again if he is not willing to see that, then you should have to take it all on you just because walking away is not the popular choice.
I also respect what he has been threw in Iraq, but no matter how much you can feel for him at some point he has to be willing to make a move beyond it for the sake of his family. It sounds like this is an on going problem with him and how he regards you and the kids.
Please take a look at the bigger picture and see what is best for the family!!!
I come from a home that left deep scars and I don't look at my mom as the person who kept the family together... I look at her as the woman who didn't have the courage to rescue us from a horrid childhood!

M., I am very sorry to hear that you are going through what you are. You need to be a strong advocate to getting him help. He has seen and gone through things that no human should have to go through. I think that our government really does not do what needs to be done for our people in the military when they come home and try to integrate back into the world they left behind. The mental and physical toll that war takes on our miltary men and women is outstanding. And unfortunetly the higher ups turn a blind eye on what is going on for some of these people when they do return home. The horrors that they have seen and witnessed is beyond what the mind is capable of processing for some people and they can't be expected to just come home and act like nothing is wrong and that they are okay. Couple that with the manly mentallity and you have a recipe for disaster. I fully support trying everything in your power to save a family, but there comes a time when you may need to put some distance between you, your kids and him if he is not willing to get some help. You can do more damage to the kids by staying then if you left. Have you tried to get him help through his higher ups in the military? Something is not right with him and he needs help. But you also need to take care of yourself and your kids. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that it will all work out for you and yours. D.

M.,
Your husband has been through a lot and I am sure you and the rest of your family have too. When I came back, I went through a major depression and I was not myself for a long time afterward (4-6 months). It is really difficult figuring out where you belong or if you belong anymore. The whole time you are there...you want to go home but once you get there; it isn't quite right. He needs time, understanding, and an adjustment period more alone than with others. Rough for you I am sure. I strongly suggest counseling (go to www.va.gov or other resources) not only for you but him also. If it were me, I would take the kids on a weekend or longer trip and not depend on him for a while. It will get better. Your military family is here for you!

Oh honey. My prayers go out to you, and definitely to him. You have absolutely no idea what he's been through over there, and I'm quite certain he won't ever tell you. Get yourself into counseling to learn effective ways to deal with him and to be able to keep your sanity.

For the time being you may want to put the kids in daycare with a friend or family member while you work. If he's not emotionally stable right now, there is a lot of damage that could be done without him ever lifting a finger or opening his mouth. Suggest that he use the time you're working and the kids are with someone else to go do something he enjoys (other than sit there and veg) with his friends.

After you have got a handle on keeping yourself centered and sane, and the kids taken care of, explain to him that his behavior is affecting your children, and that you don't want to end you marriage, but that you aren't able to continue the way things are going. Get the two of you into marriage counseling, and chances are, they will be able to get him into some sort of individual counseling and possibly on a temporary bout of anti-depressants to help him deal with the things that he's been through.

Another very, very good resource is Veterans Affairs. They have a bunch of help available, just call or go there to see what they can do to help you with this. Get with his friends and family, find out what kind of thing he may have been involved with before you and see if you can get him back into them.

Most of all, put the safety and sanity of you and your children first. Then work on him.

This is a really hard one, M.. It's hard to imagine what those who have/are serving in Iraq have had to experience. I think, more often than not, they come home with some pretty heavy emotional burdens. Nonetheless, life is supposed to be happy - we are supposed to be able to get through our trials with the help of others!
It sounds like you guys have already talked a bit about how you're feeling - have you talked to him about how his behavior is affecting the kids/making them feel? I think this is an extremely important point to get across...though it sounds like it's been really hard to communicate with him.
I would sit down with him, tell him exactly how I feel/how the kids feel, and offer a choice. I know it sounds harsh, but it's critical for the kids' sake! I would ask him to join you in marriage counseling...I know that sometimes the therapists like to meet with the couples individually as well as together. He may not be open to this, and that's where the choice comes in. It's not fair for the kids to live with a dad who is so depressed that he pays them no attention. That is not a father, and that kind of behavior can affect them for their lives if things don't get better. He is not happy! If he is unwilling to try and make things better, not only for the sake of the marriage but for that of the kids, maybe it would be better to separate temporarily, until he is able/willing to find some serious help.
I don't know...It's alot easier to be an outsider trying to give advice, than to be the one actually living in the situation. I really wish you the best, and hope things work out for you and your family! Hang in there and be strong!!!!

First of all, the problem is not you. Your husband has been through something you and I can't even imagine. I am not making an excuse for his behavior, but that is the major reason why he is the way he is right now. He needs to get help from someone. I don't know what part of the military your husband is with, but they should have people there for him to talk to. You have done everything you could. You have tried talking to him, loving him and just being there for him. But you and your kids have needs and they are not being met. It is a hard decision to make, but you might want to start looking into taking the next step.

He really needs to get some help. I'm sure the military has something. Maybe talk to one of his close friends and see if he can get your husband to seek help. People, especially men, are so ashamed to seek help when it's really nothing to be ashamed of. Especially if he's come from Iraq! You should really insist on him getting help. Even if you have to give him an ultimatum. It's harsh, but it might work. Go and stay with a friend or family member until he agrees to get help. Those are my suggestions, anyway. I will pray for your husband. My church also has a really great program that is a 12 step program but it's also called a Spiritual Journey, using the 12 steps to help you with your life issues, even when drugs or alcohol are not involved. It might be something that works. I will also pray for you because it is very difficult to live with a depressed person. But you must insist on him getting help. You cannot save him. He can only save himself. He has to make the decision. If you would like more information on the Spiritual Journey class, send me a message and I will tell you all you want to know.

Hi M.--

PTSD is real, powerful, and debilitating. You have got to get some help. If he is still in the military, talk to other guys, their wives, whomever, to see what your options are. There is no easy answer, and unfortunately, the very qualities that make him a good soldier make him a difficult patient (in general, let alone with this kind of illness). It will be a long road, but I applaud your hope and your commitment and your recognition of the fact that this isn't really him. You are doing great holding everything together while you guys get through this, but again, I'd suggest getting help. Otherwise, even if he pulls through a little of it, the root of the problem will still be in there.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this, all in the service of our country. What a horrible way for war to continue to do damage. But you are on the right track. And don't hesitate to get help for yourself, if you feel like you need it.

Take care.

With him being military there actually IS something you can do about him. You NEED to report him to his First Seargant. He is not in a safe place for himself, for you or your children. You can't leave your kids alone with him anymore. He isn't healthy. It is a form of PTSD and when you are in a place of depression you can't recognize or see a way out. You can force him to get help. He will probably "hate" you for a while but in the long run it is the only way to save him and your family. This is something that CANNOT hurt his carreer. You going to his first seargant will not have a negative reporcussion on his job. The military is seeing a lot of this right now and the only way that help can be provided is if they KNOW about it. It is your responsibility to take this through the right channels and get him the help he needs. Family advocacy or family support (whatever your branch is they have different terms) can also direct you but if you want to force his hand, go to the first seargant. If it were my husband this is what I would do. In fact tonight when he got home from work I ran your scenario by him and that is what he said should happen and he made sure I told you this can't hurt your dh's carreer. Hugs, hang in there, and call the first seargant okay?

Your request really touched me, as I have been in both situations, having a husband come back from Iraq and being in an unhappy marriage. My first marriage from which I have my 2 children from, I was very unhappy. he was controlling, and drank a lot, and didn't see how much he was hurting our family. I gave him several chances to make things right. And I looked at myself to make sure i was doing everything I could to make things better too. And I gave it my honest to god effort to stick it out to see if things would change. After 5 years of debating what to do, I decided that if we weren't happy together, we were doing our children no justice. I was once told that when it comes to your children, it is better to be alone and happy, that to be unhappy and keep your children in that kind of environment. And it was so true, I could not be a good mother and happy with my kids when my husband was unhappy and made things tense at our home. I got a divorce, which was really difficult choice. But I was a much better mother. My husband that I married 7 months ago is now deployed. This is the 3rd time he has gone since we have met. And it is really hard. Our lines of communication are much better than it was with my ex husband, and he knows that that is a fear of mine, as a result from being in Iraq. But at this time, you have young children, so impressionable, very easily influenced. I am sure you do not want them to think that this is how a happy family should be. Certainly, give your marriage all the help you can. But if it doesn't work out, don't be hard on yourself. When it comes to your children, you want to be a happy loving mother rather than being supressed and unhappy. Good luck, I know it is hard, but what ever happens, is for the best. May god bless you in your efforts!

What a very painful and sad situation for you and your kids to be in. I ache for you! I think you need to get some counseling, at LEAST for your children. They must notice something is wrong with daddy and it must be hard for them that he doesn't want them around. And you can not trust him to take care of them when you are at work. It may seem insulting to him, but if he does not feed them or change diapers if he doesn't feel like it, it is not fair for your children to suffer because of his disease. They need a baby sitter or you need to send them to daycare. If he won't get help for himself, you need to step up and do what's best for your children, even if it means separating for a bit. And prayer has always helped me when I'm in a tough spot. I hope it works out for you and please let us know how it turns out!

Are you lds or mormon? If so, go see your bishop and tell him. If not, I would recommend strongly going and seeing an lds bishop. All you have to do is go to lds.org, click on "about the church, then on "meeting house locator, and fill in the info. Lds bishops hold the priesthood of God, and are able to help in ways that most people can't. I don't think you can fix your husband if he isn't wanting help, but you can talk to someone who will help you in dealing with this, and in recieving direction. also pray

Does he have a commanding officer who might be able to talk to him? Or maybe his employer? Does he have a close friend or relative? It sounds like you are going to have to reach out passed you and the kids. Find someone he will listen to and ask for help.

I agree with others that you may not want to leave the kids with him for the time being, just in case. It would be a worse tragedy for an accident to happen than what is going on right now.

What would he do if you planned a surprise weekend away for just the two of you. Would he go? Would he be open to it? It doesn't have to be expensive and you don't have to go far - book the rooms in an off time and head off to Boise for a couple days. Pamper him and do the things you know he loves or used to love. When the time is right you can tell him how you feel and express your concerns.

Don't give up yet but reach out for help. He needs help.

Have you gone to his 1st SGT. and explained what is going on? He can be ordered to get an evaluation and then treatment. It can be scary to involve his SGT. but in the end it is worth it. I married really young to an AF guy, he became ugly fast, I filed for divorce and he became uglier. I involved his 1st SGT. and problem solved. Then next thing I want to say is that sometimes you can't stick it out. I am the last person to condone leaving one's spouse, but when it involves kids, your job is to protect them. You stated clearly that at least on one occasion he neglected the kids while you were gone, and that he is mean to them. There is a difference between being a good stern male role model, and simply being mean. Now, I completely understand the role a military wife has to endure, and I very much understand what war does to our soldiers, but he said it from his own mouth that he wants to choose when you and the kids are around. You cannot allow this. This is not good for you or the children. So, my suggestion is to get his SGT. involved, pack up the kids and go home to your parents, grandparents, aunt, whoever has a good stable environment where you can safely care for your kids. You have to put your emotions aside for the well being of your children. Even though your husband has the title of "Dad", he is not capable of being one at this point. Let him know where you will be until he is better. This doesn't mean you are leaving him for good or getting a divorce. This means that you mean business and will not allow your children to witness the downfall of their father, nor will you stand by and let him mistreat you or your children. This means you will be somewhere else with your kids until he gets help and is in a better place to care for you and your children. This can be fixed, but you have to protect your kids first. I know there is a lot of good advice out there, but please put your kids first. I don't want to scare you, but depression is nothing to wait out for him to get help on his own. Things can go from bad to worse fast, and you don't want your kids or yourself to be the victims of that. Take care and I will be thinking about you.

Can you call the military and join the wives/woman's group that they have? It is a social group for women, but I am sure there are other's whose husbands have PTSD and depression. You could at least hang out with them for some emotional support and affection.

Can you also call the military support line and report that you think he needs some counseling? and medication for depression or PTSD? but that he won't do anything about it?

I am sorry for you and your husband. Take care of yourself first, and then try and take care of him after.

So, so sorry. I am sure this is so difficult on all of you. He needs to see someone and possibly get on some medication. Reading your note, I feel sad for you but am worried about your kids. Don't leave them alone with him. Please, have someone else watch them.
If he doesnt change a diaper all day, I can only imagine his patience with a little child that doesn't know any better than to be demanding and needy. He may snap and hurt your child physically as if emotionally checking out isn't enough. I admire that you are a strong woman but you need to require him to seek help. our prayers are with you.

He is definately showing signs of depression. With being in Iraq depending on how long and what he saw, counseling is definately the way to go.

I highly recommend seeing Chris Berger, Foundations Counseling. He has an office in Loveland and Denver and Windsor. His number is ###-###-####. The first visit is FREE so call him and schedule an appointment with you and see what he would recommend. Depression takes a toll on you and the kids so since your husband is still in the denial stage, you see Chris to help yourself and then help your husband.

http://foundationscounselingllc.com

Hello!
I am so sorry to hear all of this! You sound like you know that what the problem is. You just need a solution. Well, I'm not sure it will help but have you ever tried herbs or vitamins? I know my mom's ex would get depressed and she said that taking SAM-E would help him. Vitamin B complex also helps. I know it is not a solution for all that you are going through but it might get the ball rolling on the road to fixing it. I hope it helps.

Hi M.,
You need to contact a military therapist. There are a lot of difficulties for many soldiers coming back from battle and someone who deals directly with combat soldiers is going to have more info. for you and your husband. You be proactive since he isn't. Check into where he was stationed state side or find your closest base and get hold of the therapist there. Your husband needs some extra help so neither of you lose your family unit. Good luck and take care of you and your children.

Hi M.,
I emailed my cousin who is career military and was in desert storm in the early 90's and this last year in Iraq. The following was his response, maybe your husband could read it so he knows he can look for help and that he is not the only soldier having difficulties coming home.

I really do understand her pain but at the same time I feel his. When you go from a environment where nobody loves you to the overwhelming love you get when you return home can almost be as damaging. The way the military is stretched right now the unit integrity is no longer there. I went over with 172 soldiers and only knew one of them. There for you don't know who to trust, not just physically but also mentally. Probably one of the most traumatic experiences I had was coming home. Although all people handle this differently I believe he should handle this with kid gloves because as a soldier I also look at this as a way of losing my career if he is a career soldier. I truly believe he needs help but he also has to want the help. Just like smoking he has to be willing to quit not just the desire to quit. He isn't ready yet to make that commitment, but I hope he is willing to soon. These scares will last a life time for this soldier as they will for me, but you have to look and be willing to ask for help. Although this is not a popular statement I still think that easing into the healing process is best if the bounds of marriage can handle it. I hope this helps.

That was my cousins advice, he has 4 kids and is doing really great now.
Hope it helps,
SarahMM
SarahMM

I am so sorry you are going through this kind of a situation when your husband did the honorable thing and went to War for his Country.

I did not have a spouse that went through this, but I did have a brother who did.
My Sister-in-law stuck by him for nearly 20 years to no avail.
They had 2 beautiful daughters and he was either cruel and hateful, or morose and uncommunicative.

It is hard to live with. But I will tell you this, until he decides his family is more important than his anger and anxiety over what happened in Iraq, there is nothing you can do.
My Sister-in-law finally divorced him.
The worst part about the whole thing was, he had T-Cell Lymphoma caused by Agent Orange in Vietnam, and it had progressed severely and killed him 2 years after she divorced him.
My point is this; M., do not think that you can fix this, because you can't. He has to do it himself.

Do not let you children suffer through this and become bitter and angry.
Perhaps divorce is not the answer, but leaving him and making him think about what he is doing is.
So My advice is to get a legal separation so you and you children will be mentally safe.
You can still talk if he wishes to talk, or be there if he does let you know he needs you.
But what you can not do, is subject you little ones to this typed of behavior.
So good luck dear, it will get better.

I understand what you are dealing with. You have been given some good advice. But there is also another issue you may not see. Your husband is neglecting your children when he is watching them. Letting a child go without food is a serious offense. I have seen children removed from a home for less. If he cannot handle them, get a babysitter. The children can be taken from both of you. You need to do something soon!

Let me just say, I am so sorry, I know this is so very hard for you. I believe you can be ok, i would start by getting some counseling for you and your children. i know he wont go with you but at least it can help you to cope. i dont know if he is still in the military, if he is maybe you should mention this to some one, they have chaplains or, even some one that is incharge of him. i know they can force him to get some help. believe it or not alot of our men and weman are coming back from this war and having alot of emotional problems. some have even commited suicide you need to do something before someone gets hurt. i will be praying for your family.

Hi M.,
Husbands in a funk are absolutely NO fun whatsoever. Mine just recently came out of his funk that last for almost 4 months solid. Through it I mainly focused on these two things, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." and "This too shall pass".
I suggest setting an attainable goal for yourself, accepting that he's in a bad place at the moment, pick a date in the future, 1 month? 6 months? up to you. If it hasn't gotten better, talk with him about finding support groups or possibly getting professional help.

Personally, in the past I would have railed on and on about how we should suck it up, or force a solution to a problem that we, as a spouse, simply do not have the answer too. But I am comforted with the knowledge now that it's not my responsibility to fix everything I see as 'wrong'. I imagine a year after returning from a high stress, high tension, adrenaline filled job, soldiering, is actually a short time in the grand scheme. Regular life has got to be sort of a let down, it's just SO NORMAL!

M., it's not fun to live with, I know, I encourage you to find friends that understand and keep plugging along, one day, one hour, one moment at a time. This too shall pass, and I know rather than jump to solutions that aren't for the longest term greater good of my little family, I would rather be able, in the future, to look back and say, "wow, I am so glad we(I) made it through that patch", be grateful and learn from it.
Big hugs,
A. T

M.,

You should convince your husband to be checked for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and (it sounds like ... severe) depression — all of which should be covered under VA benefits. I don't know first-hand but from what I understand, adapting back to life as it was is becoming something that is increasingly hard for our service men and women to do. Don't wait in trying to get him the help he needs ... the rest will follow.

what i did was to talk to my mother in law about my husband's depression. he listens to her. she told him she noticed he was depressed too, so now it's not just about his wife's nagging and complaining. there is another witness. he agreed to go to a doctor for an antidepressant, but then chose not to get out of bed at the last minute because of the cost. i had made the appointment for him and was embarrassed to have to call at the last minute to cancel for him. once his mom found out, she sent money to pay for it. he knew that was a sacrifice for her to send money and he finally went and got an antidepressant. he chose to go to the family doctor he has seen before instead of a psychiatrist, but at least he got the medicine. he is still being lazy much of the time, but he is thinking clearer and not as mean. i'm hoping that the clearer thinking that the antidepressant gives him will allow him to start realizing things and making changes on his own because i know that this is not how he wants to live. there are so many goals he was working on before the depression that have fallen by the wayside, so it's not just my dreams and goals that are being ignored, it's his too. and that is because of the depression. good luck and i will pray for you.

Don't give up on your husband. It is hard when you can't find the things you loved about him because they are hiding, but he has a pretty good reason to be depressed right now. A tour of duty in Iraq probably messed him up -- he saw things in real life that we can't really imagine. Cruelty and depression are his ways of dealing with that. BUT - you can't just let it slide. It sounds like you can still get him to talk sometimes so talk to him about this. It also sounds like you do still care for him. Read up about post-traumatic stress syndrome. If you are active duty military then seek help from his commanding officer. If Iraq is the thing that changed him, then the military OWES you free counseling to help fix it. Hang in there, be tough for yourself, and try to show your husband that you will really be there for him. I know it is hard to carry the load alone, my husband has similar issues (and he doesn't have Iraq to blame) but as I reassure him that I love him and will never leave him he is getting better.

It sounds like he seriously is depressed, and you are very right to not want to give up on him. I would call his doctor right away (has he been seeing a psychiatrist for previous issues?) and share your concerns. Do whatever it takes to get him to see a doctor. Even if you have to make the appointment for him, drive him there, and then tell the doctor why you're there.
I went through a period of serious depression. I know that it was very hard for me to even seek help - I felt like I didn't deserve it, like I was a bad person and had put myself into the depression. It was almost impossible for me to get help on my own. He probably feels like his heart and mind are wrapped up in a little tiny box, shut away from the light and everything around him. The effort to communicate or show affection of any kind probably feels way too much - like asking him to fly to the moon. He NEEDS your help!!
I hate to bring it up, but be vigilant for signs that he may be thinking about suicide. I would say that his withdrawal is an early sign. Try to remove possibly dangerous things from his environment. Don't hesitate to call for help - even call an ambulance to get him to a hospital if you must to ward off an attempt.
DO NOT IGNORE YOUR CONCERNS. He needs you even if he can't recognize it. Take control and get him help - because there is a way out of depression, but he can't see it.

Hi M.! I am sorry to hear about this painful issue you and your children are going through. I think you should google the passive aggressive male and read a bit about that. I am on my second marrige and I have learned you can't fix anyone. You can only control your actions. If your husband can't see past his self and that he has a wife and children he needs to think of than move on. If he doesn't want to get help you can't make him. I am sure the kids are feeling the stress. You and your children deserve better.
I also think you should try to make a marrige work but if your partner isn't trying it is a lost cause. Don't you and your kids deserve happiness. You sure do!! Don't waste 7 yrs trying to stick it out for the kids or hoping he will change like I did. Trust me it is not worth it. You can be unhappy by yourself you don't need him sitting there unhappy with you.

Sounds like he has PTSD. Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. Yes most of the time you hear about it being mean and angrer management. But it goes the other way also. Maybe he should see someone. He needs help. Not only from you but the Military. The VA has a great program that my husband has been in for PTSD. Sometimes it is getting him into wanting to go. Hopefully something rings his bell and makes him want to go. Sometimes you have to take it one step higher. Go To his SRs. Make him get help. If nothing helps sometimes it is in your best interest to let go and move on.

Wow, I would love to help. Personal Development work is where it is it. There is a Session n Colorado Springs on Wednesday Sept. 24th at 7 P.M. The Double tree hotel.

Check out this link and watch the video too. www.klemmer.com

It truly has helped all people, GET POUT OF THEIR "STUFF"

Always here to help,

B.

Sit him down, turn off the TV and look him in the face and tell him you love him so much you don't want to lose him.
Tell him he needs to talk to someone to confirm or deny the depression symptoms. I would explain you will go with him or not, whatever he chooses. You are smart in being aware. I am sure nobody can understand the pain and horror he has seen in combat and that on top of having to snap back into the real world has to be so difficult.
Do not leave the kids with him alone either. That adds pressure on him and obviously he isn't in a state of mind to do what needs in caring for them. Consider a daycare so you know they are safe. Not that he would harm them but sounds like he is in deep depression and things are not good for the kids to be in right now.
Don't talk to him angrily but talk to him like a concerned friend. He will probably swear he is fine, then tell him to prove it by seeing someone and then confirming he is fine.
He has to seek help. Depression effects the whole family and will get worse not better.
Hang in there, Hugs and prayers with you and your family.
If he chooses not to do anything, I say see if you can leave the kids with someone for a little while so you can focus as a couple. Unfortunately you cannot force anyone to get help and staying there isn't long term going to be healthy for your kids. So you do have some big choices to make if he refuses help. HUGS!

He definitely needs mental health care. I don't know how to approach it, but you need to get him to see someone. I'm sure he realizes he's depressed, but just doesn't want to make the effort to see someone. I know it's very common in soldiers who come home from their deployment. Is there a family counselor that you could call through the military? Perhaps they could give you some advice on how to approach him, and perhaps they can help you as well.

M. - I feel for you and your husband so much! I have been in a similar situation recently myself. It truly sounds as if your husband has been through some very traumatic experiences in Iraq. No one can truly imagine the situations these brave men and women have to deal with over there. Death, destruction and anger are ever-present and our troops have no way to fully "decompress" from these daily atrocities. It sounds like you have been carrying the whole load - family, work, and relationship - for quite some time. I understand how this feels. I know how alone you feel, how draining it is, how hopeless the situation looks. Do you have some extended family that can give you some support? Do you have some common friends, or does he have some friends (especially combat buddies)? The reason I ask this question is that it seems that you have done so much to try and draw him out of himself and back into your relationship and your family. It might require an "intervention" of sorts - pulling together all of the people (minus the children) that his depression is effecting to lovingly confront him with how his depression is destroying his life and the lives of those who love him. Perhaps this will be the thing that allows him to see the condition of his life and give him some hope and direction to change this. This actually worked for my husband and myself just a month ago and he is on his way to recovery as are our relationship and family life.

My husband has been in his situation for almost five years now. His now pre-teen daughter and son (from earlier relationship)have each dealt with it differently, but both of them have emotional scars from having a distant, angry father. Our almost-4-year old is also showing emotional and behavioral issues that make me cry on the inside. Your children are precious and the days that they live, the hurt that they endure at their father's hands, can not be taken back. Do whatever you can to remove them as much as possible from your house and your husband's influence until he gets better. It is up to you how much you remove yourself from the situation as well, but I would suggest the same for you. I took my son and myself to a friend's house for a long weekend. (I told him that I needed a mental health vacation.) This seemed to open my husband's eyes greatly.

Okay, the military has money for their men to do everything else they have to have money to help him. I am no doctor, but MANY men are coming home with the same issues and depression...and they are turning to alcoholism, and drugs. Your husband, sounds like he has not chosen those. You do need to get him to a group therapy where he can talk with other military men about what he went through. You both need to go to a marriage counselor, ask your religious leader to help you find one, who has the same religious outlook as you do or is sensitive to your values.

hi M.,

yes, yes you have a right to take care of your SELF and your kids. you'll do no one any good if you go down with the ship (your husband). it sounds to me that you've tried everything many times and nothing has worked. i've been in your shoes, though the cause was not a military concern, and i wanted to tell you that some things DO NOT PASS. i was in a relationship that i thought "this too shall pass" and it didn't. severe things can and do happen sometimes and they do not pass. you are in the best position to determine at what point you need to do something for you and your kids. i hope you have parents or siblings or grandparents that you could reach out to. perhaps with you and the kids out of the picture, your husband will realize that he needs to take your advice to seek professional help. there are somethings in life we can't do on our own and your husband is in such a situation. my heart goes out to him and to you, for the sacrifices all of you have endured while serving our country. (thank you!). however, the battle is not over and there are well trained professionals who can help your husband- but as you already know, first he needs to take that step and reach out for that help. meanwhile, yes yes yes- there can come a time when you realize that to save your kids and your self, the best thing may be to remove yourself. tough love is a good choice rather than enablement. talk with some counselors who deal with this and they will shore your faith in this concept.

in my own situation, i divorced after 26 years of "this too shall pass". it was the healthiest move for our kids, for myself and guess what- for my (now) ex husband. i wished i had felt it was okay to do that some years earlier.

i wish you all the best. sometimes we aren't sure we made the right decision until afterwards, but you sound like you've been giving this careful, unselfish thought.

best,

S.

I have experienced depression myself...not clinical, but depression due to stuffing away feelings concerning a traumatic experience in my life. After I found myself with sweet children and a wonderful husband, I couldn't seem to attach myself to them. It was as though while they were happily playing I was a hundred miles away and couldn't connect to them. That just added to my depression. I had to get help and I did. I had to get to be at a place where I felt miserable enough to do so. My husband never said I needed to (I hid how I was as best I could), but I knew to have the happy life I really wanted, I should get help. Many times I've thought about how I might have been if I had not done so. The road I was traveling was not good and was only getting worse. I've thought about it because I've talked and shared with many who were in the same position with me. Some were grateful to have gotten help even though it was due to someone in their life giving an ultimatum concerning their relationships. Some were grateful to have gotten help and then found that their example was followed. When I began reaching out, it was offered that my husband could attend with me. He was reserved at first. I told him I would really like him to go with me because I believed it to be important for our marriage and that I wanted us to be happy together...that it was important to me. He accepted without the greatest attitude, but he did accept. I set up everything...times, places, whatever involved getting help for ourselves. Eventually he came to see how good this was for him as an individual. Today we are not a perfect couple and we are a happy couple more often than not and I have worked through my trauma. Others I know have had different outcomes concerning their own relationships...either they got better and stronger, stayed somewhat the same, or the relationship ended. What I do know is that everyone I know who has gotten help and stuck with it has turned out okay. It seems that you just might need to start with you. If you were to make an appointment with someone and then go in, maybe he might be willing to go with you. Hold onto hope...

This is such a hard situation. You do need to go to his NCO. This does need to be reported to comand. It is not a good situation for you or the kids to be in. A lot of soldiers have a hard time adjusting to being back. He is not alone and the military has resources for this. I will be praying for you all.

There's been quite a few stories in the news about Iraq vets having problems with depression, violence and other related issues. I don't much about resouces avaialble thru the military but check there. Talk with the people at Tri-County Mental Health or Ft Logan. See what is available to you. It doesn't sound like you can leave the kids with him, he is too disconnected and you don't want a tragedy due to neglect. Is there anyone he does connect to who could encourage him to get help?

DO you have insurance and does it cover counseling? You need the support and someone to talk to who can provide some constructive feedback and support advice. Best guess is depression and Post Traumatic Stress, you can't help him alone. Stay aware, being dedicated to the marriage is no reason to risk you or your children's health and lives. Where he has been you cannot relate to and you can't go where he is. The last thing your kids need is for you to go into depression too. Be prepared, you may have to separate to keep yourself intact emotionally. Stay in close touch with family and freinds - you need your support network! And you need both sides of the family on board to him and you through this.

Is he suffering from PTSD? You might call his CO and tell him what is happening or if he can recommend some kind of help through the military.Is there a group of guys meeting somewhere who is former military? they meet and discuss what ever and how they get/got through it. My bil was in Nam and now has bad health, he was in a group for quite awhile till a lot of them moved or because of age passed away. Some were wwII,korea, nam and etc. He said it helped a lot even tho he had been out quite awhile said he didn't realize how much he needed to talk to others. He misses his group not meeting now.
Good luck, and I pray he is able to get someone to help him figure it all out.

I think you should try to hang in there yet, M. even though it's got to be so difficult when there's no reciprocation to your love. It sounds to me like you deeply care for your husband and family, so it's not that you don't have feelings for him. I think he does stil have for you too it's just they're being surpressed by PTSD or some other cause of his depression. Please don't give up yet, as long as he's not physically abusing you. You could say he's emotionally abusing you by with holding love, but if he was a loving husband before, he has the potential to become one again. Is he open at all to counseling? If not please try it yourseelf and nmaybe he would come with you eventually. Good luck and God bless you

M.,
Get out all the photo albums, scrapebooks, etc that has better times for both you and your husband. Invite him to look at them together. This will do one of two things.
(1) It could assist him to remember what life could be like again.
(2) It could spark a conversation about how you feel about your life now.

Wishing you all the best.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

What is Loving Connection?
Caring enough to share your whole heart.
(This means even one that is broken).

Well that is definately a tough position to be in. And I am totally with you on doing whatever you can to make the marriage workbut a marriage is a partnership and right now tou are in this by yourself.it is not fair to you and especially your young kids who don't understand why their daddy is mad at them. I say although it is going to be tough on you it is time for tough love and tell him he needs to be willing to get help or you can't stay and let him treat you like that.It is only going to make you resent him more than you already are beginning to. Good Luck and Best Wishes