Getting That "In-Love" Feeling Back.

You both need to be in counceling together. It is not just the PTSD, this happens in all marriages. You are constantly falling in and out of love, you have to work on it. If he is abusive, he needs help and you do to to cope. Good luck to you.

I don't know what you have tried but here are a few suggestions. Try going out on dates again. Get a babysitter and go out a couple of times a month just the two of you. Something I have been doing with my husband that has worked over the last couple of months is leaving him notes that tell him how much I love him; how awesome he is; etc. I will randomly send him text messages telling him the same thing. Let me know if you want any more suggestions. Good luck.

Please watch the movie Fireproof with him. Don't give up, especially because you have a 22 month daughter. For better or worse... this sounds like the worse...

Hi M.,

I'm really glad your husband is getting help for his Post Traumatic stress syndrome. There is a type of therapy specifically for PTS syndrome called "EMDR"; Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. There is alot of research you can look into about this approach.

Also, please get a therapist for yourself.......you deserve the support and guidance needed as you go through this tough time.

And, remember, you can turn to God.....even if you do not currently know him, he will be there if you just begin talking to him.......one of my favorite scriptures from the Bible is "He will keep you in perfect peace all those who trust in him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord" Isaiah 26:3.

I wish you all the best,

N.

I don't have an answer for you, but I can tell you about my own personal experience. My husband and I went through very hard times around our 5 year mark. We even threw in the D word. My husband had it set in his mind that it was over and did the unthinkable. After months of yelling we decided to go to counseling. We both learned things about each other that we didn't know. It opened up so many doors. Just a little about the years leading up to that point. We were both active duty and did not get to see each other much. I had just come back from an 8th month deployment and oops got pregnant. Shortly after having the baby my husband was diagnosed with depression and even hospitalized for it. We struggled for months after that. B/C of everything going on with him totally put my feelings in the back light. I was not happy either. So the counselor forced us to say all the mean things that we were feeling to each others faces. It help a lot. We had no idea that each other was feeling that way. At the same time I was going to counseling for myself. The one thing that stuck from our sessions was... I have worked so hard in my marriage up to that point why throw that all away. If I decide to leave and find someone else, I would just have a new set of problems with the next man. Marriage is work and you have to decide if it is worth working with the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. So my husband and I did what we were told to do from counseling and spent months working on our marriage. There were times when we both wanted to quit, but then we remembered how much we love each other. At the time we were not in love with each other, but we stilled loved each other. So now my husband and I are at year 8 and madly in love with each other and have been for a couple years now. During our sessions we were also told that we may not love each other at the same time. If you love your husband and you want your daughter to have one happy home it is worth working for it. If you request (not your husband) a civilian counselor Tricare will approve it. That way you don't have to go on base. I just wanted to tell you my story so that it gives you hope that you can make it through the hard times. I do hope you the best and if you have any questions on how to go through tricare please email me.

Hi M.:
What A difficult situation for you,and your husband. They say,that 1 in 8 of our wonderful Soldiers who (God bless them) make it home safe,suffer from PTSD. However less than half of those men,with problems seek help. It's understandable. They are expected to be tough as nails over in Iraq,they probably feel like...Hell,I made it through a war, I'm home safe. I'm not going to speak out like I'm complaining about my experiences! I don't want all those who held me in high regards,to think I wasn't able to handle it! This is why so many neglect getting themselves the help they need.A lot of men have had their jobs waiting for them when they return. They don't want to jeopardize that.I don't know,if your husband was able to get someone of his choice,or had to go to the veterans hospital,but They claim, that the treatment for PTSD is poor there. If you haven't already,I'd go together and see a counselor. This illness, is actually just as rough on you as it is him.If I may offer a little advice. Stop being strong for him.In other words,bring down that barrier,show him the effect he has on you.Let him know,he hurts you. that you possess a tender heart.This may be just what he needs. After all M....He spent a considerable amount of time away,with individuals that were rough, tough and refused to let down their guard emotionally. He misses that tenderness I'm sure.What I found, was that the tougher your exterior,the more intimidated men are to feel free and display their softer side.They surely don't want to appear weaker than the woman in their life.Find a reputable sitter,and you two go out once in a while,and have a romantic evening together.I wish you LOVE. J. M

Hi M., my spouse has been in the military for over 30 years so I know what you are going through. What I've learned is not that we don't love them it's that we don't like the person that they have become while away. So what we have learned to do when he returns is talk about what we don't like about each other and try small changes. When he barks out orders I simply tell him that I will walk away and return when he is ready to speak to me as a partner. Also look for the clues that tell you he is going to have a blow up and try and diffuse the situation. If he will let you take him by surprise and give him a hug.Don't let it escalate. Vice versa he will do the same when what I am saying that irks him. What I found the hardest is to relinquish the reigns of running the household. To have to remember to ask him to take back some of the duties that come with being partners. But most of all PATIENCE. They have seen things that we don't even want to imagine.

M., I would immediately go to counseling. This is fixable. Don't give up on him or your marriage. You must take all steps necessary to work this out. He is your husband and he is sick, you cannot walk out on him. Please seek the help of a counselor.

Hi. I am a therapist who works regularly with Combat Vets and their spouses through Fleet and Family Support. I'm glad he is in treatment for his PTSD. Marriage counseling can help to improve the relationship the two of you have, especially the communication and may also help to increase the feelings of love you once had. Your insights as to why he treats you the way he does makes sense, but do not make it ok. If he for some reason is not willing to go to counseling with you, please get some counseling support for yourself. There are a lot of resources availabe out there. You can call me at ###-###-#### if you need help getting hooked up with some in your area. Best of luck to the two of you and thank you for your sacrifice.

M.,
My heart cries out for your sorrow and the brokenness of your husband's life right now. PTSD is so difficult to live through and to support another person through, however, I would urge you, as long as you are physically safe, to "fight alongside" him for as long as it takes. Right now he is lost in his trauma and fears, but this won't be forever with the right help. Wait for him, as you did while he was away, with expectations of the joy when he is able to break through. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
May God give you strength, supernatural love, and a willingness to hang on - even through this,
T.

Hi Meon,

I would like to recommend for both of you to sit and watch a movie by the name of fire proof and to read the book called the love dare. Its a book that gives both of you a fourty day challenge to save your marriage. I wish both of you the best and hope and pray that God will guide you both to make the wisest decision for you and your family, I really beleive that the movie and book can give you lots of insight to rekindle the love between you both.

Dear M.

I am so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you find yourself in. Not easy finding yourself as the key emotional support for a man who has just returned from the war-field especially when you are probably feeling the need of support yourself.

For your husband, returning to the trivialities and pettiness of everyday life must be excruciatingly difficult after having witnessed (and been forced to partake in) the horrors of war.

You are very young, and it must be difficult to see your husband come home a different man. But try to see this as an opportunity to take your marriage to a whole deeper level! This is but a part of the lifelong commitment to marriage that you made. It goes way beyond "feeling in love" and it is deeply rewarding. But you have to work at it. Even if you leave your husband, you will at some point encounter the challenges in any long term relationship you wish to forge. The challenges will always be there!

There is an incredibly effective technique called EFT which could really help you both.

www.emofree.com you can down load the manual for free or find a practitioner local to you. You can also search the website for case studies on PTSD and relationships.

It has been used with great success on war veterans with PTSD and basically removes all negative emotional charge - and therefore all power - from the type of traumatic memories your husband is likely to be battling.

It will help you too.... in learning how to re-focus on what is best for the good of the relationship rather than focusing simply on what you feel you need ("that in love feeling"). You'll quickly find that as with most things in life the more you put in the more you get out. I don't mean living in a place of sacrifice but actually working together as a team to find a way through this challenging time for both of you. Your relationship will be much stronger for it. and who knows, maybe with what you learn you will be able to help others in a similar situation.

I wish you all the very best of luck in the marvellous challenge of life we call marriage!

N.

Hi M.,
You and your hubby are in my prayers.

You might check out these two books for yourself.
Once a Warrior: Wired For Life (Paperback)
Down Range: To Iraq and Back
by Bridget C. (Author), Ph.D. Cantrell (Author), Chuck Dean (Author)

They have been helpful to me.
My son has done two deployments to Iraq. He came back and was angry after the first time. This time he is doing better and is more himself. He is letting himself feel emotions again.

Our troops are taught to be warriors, and they harden up to do what it takes to do their jobs. But they are not taught how to come home and fit back into life and allow feelings to come back and not be a warrior.

The texting is good. Maybe that is all he can do right now.

M., be strong, have courage for him and for your family.
Real love is more than a feeling. That is what will get you through this, and when the feelings return they will be deeper and you will be built stronger as a couple because you weathered it.

Blessings,
L. A.

It sounds like your husband is depressed. Many people are feeling more anxiety than usual lately, and men tend to be hit harder for several reasons - among them, the fact that they try to hold all their feelings in, they are less likely to have a support system of close friends, and the fact that they feel a tremendous amount of pressure to provide a good life for their families, and feel like failures when they think their family has a less than ideal life. Military men think that they have to be "strong" all the time, and to them that means having no emotions. The only feelings they feel safe expressing are negative ones, mostly anger.

You say he's not close to his mom or sisters. He probably fears that all women will hurt him and let him down. He pushes you so he can figure out where your breaking point is. He unconsciously wants to know how bad it has to get before you leave him. When you don't leave him, instead of reassurring him, it makes him feel even more stressed because he doesn't want to be without you, but he also doesn't want to trust you. Trust feels dangerous.

All of this is very tough on you! Just know that your husband is in pain, too.

When there are tough times - and I'm saying this from 23 years worth of experience being married to the man I married when I was 20 - the goal shouldn't be feeling like you did when you first fell in love. Those feelings, and the chemical changes they cause in our brains, cannot be duplicated. You can't bring it back. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THE MARRIAGE IS DOOMED, OR THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE UNHAPPY. Think about friends you have. Do you feel the same way about them now as you did when you first met? No. You love them more. You trust them more. But the relationship is different. The need here is not to feel the way you did when you first fell in love, it's figuring out how you want to feel in a long standing, permanent, adult relationship.

Don't expect huge or quick results. Go slow. Do whatever you need - counseling, girls nights out, best friend cry sessions, couples therapy. Help your husband figure out what he needs. He probably has NO IDEA. This is a foreign thought to women, but men quite often truly don't know what they think or what they need. He may need a hobby - fishing, pilot lessons, a card night. He fears making friends, because he fears that they will disappoint him, leave him or die. Still, he really wants connection. One casual friend will do wonders. He'll have to step outside his comfort zone, and that will make him stressed and angry. Be understanding. His current counselor can really help him.

Good luck! Hang in there! It's worth it!

I think Julia gave excellent advice. Try to go to therapy with your husband as you are suffering as well. PTSD is not just his issue, but yours and your daughter's too. Let someone help you put the pieces back together.

Your hubby should see how much he is hurting you. Texting and hiding your emotions are not good for your relationship. My hubby and I always get confused when we text because we need body language and tone of voice to really understand each other. I have to ask my husband if he's serious or being sarcastic because words are not enough to communicate your true emotions. You really ought to have a date with each other away from your daughter so you can talk, sort things out, cry, etc so she doesn't have to witness it. (Again - therapy would also be a good place for this too)

A few more months won't change anything. You both have to be the change you want. You can't fix him, but you can fix yourself. Treat him the way you want to be treated. Hopefully it will be contagious and he will change too.

I wish you the best and hope that you will work things out. Don't give up just yet. Fight to get the man you fell in love with back!

In my experience (my husband and I have been together 10 years) arguing is great for your relationship- as long as you're doing it constructively. Avoid manipulating him to get what you want- just flat out tell him what you expect and need for this relationship to work. And LISTEN. I'm not insinuating that you don't, I just know it's soo easy to cut a person off when you don't like what they're saying. I suggest seeing a marriage counselor. You'll both have someone to talk to who won't gossip about it or take it personally ( like family or friends might). Look into your expectations of love. Spend some time apart. I don't mean break-up but go away for a week and hang out with friends. Only call him once a day. It'll do wonders. Good luck!

Hi M., this is late but I wanted to respond. First of all I want to say I pray all is better now. But I want to share a little story with you if I may, There's a young couple in our church, and the husband was in the reserves, and he spent some time in Iraq, had a granaed go off in his tent, his injuries left not only physical scars but mental and emotional scars as well, he had to do things for survival of himself and his men, that I can't with you here on mamasource, but it changes them, they can't help it, it took him like 3 years to be able to sleep throughn the night without waking up in a cold sweat, and his wife finding him curled op in a ball on the floor of their room, it took their marriage to places they never dreamt it would go, but war will do that, sh stuck by him, and about a year ago they had thir first baby together, he still has nightmares, but not as often as he once did. Hang in there M. for the long hall, it will be worth it. Have you ever heard of the movie Fire Proff? it is awesome, the marrieds ministry in our church saw this together, and it helped many couples looks at things in a new perspective. My husband was in th Navy during the Gulf War, these men are to be lifted up for serving our Country. If there is anything I can help you with concerning your marriage plese send me a personal message. J. L.

Hello, would you and your husband be interested in joining a local church? I know ther are many resources on base, from the chaplain. Is he willing to do some maritaal counseling? Tell him how much you love him and want to make things work. Even if it is not reciporcated in return........
We live off of Mission in Oceanside, and attend a really loving church nearby. There are women who would love to love on you and pray for you, encourage you. And there are men that would love to be a friend to your husband. And i am sure, pleanty of kids to play with baby! I have a 15 mo old (: I know it is so much easier to give up then to persevere sometimes. Ask the Lord for strength, pray for your marrieage. If you want to come out one Sunday morning, let me know. It is a Calvary Church located in Oceanside.

M.,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation! I will be praying for you both. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It is really good and may help you with some ideas on how to handle your marriage right now. There is a book called "Love Dare" that the movie talks about that might be good to get as well. It has 40 days of things to do to help strengthen your marriage. Start with the movie and see what you think. If you like the concept, check out the book.
Blessings,
L.

I would highly recommend the movie "Fireproof". I have not had marital problems myself, but this movie is recommended to anyone married or who wants to be married. I learned a lot from it. Hang in there...the love can come back if you want it to. Take care.

I am married to a Marine, and I know how difficult it can be, especially when he comes home in "Marine mode." Don't give up on your marriage. We all go through seasons in our marriages, but we promise "for better or for worse" for a reason. I highly recommend that you get some counselling. I am seeing a counselor in Carlsbad who is a Marriage and Family Therapist. I was referred to her from other military families who have seen her for marriage counselling and she comes highly recommended. Tricare covers it completely. Her name is Sheryl Purcell and her # is ###-###-####. Since your husband is in treatment for PTSD, hopefully he will be receptive to couples counselling, but even if he is unwilling, you can go yourself. Your marriage is worth it and you daughter needs Mommy and Daddy together.

HI M.,

I did not get a chance to read what the other people have written but please look into REMDR. REMDR has helped many people with PTSD. Google it and see if your husband would be interested in trying it. God Bless you and your family.

I agree with Jules W. She is right all marriages have there ups and downs. I hope your OK too. It's so hard when someone is having anger attacks toward you. I heard about the movie fireproof too. My girlfriends "tough" husband cried thru it. It really helped them.
Sue

do you guys have a regular date night? if not then that should start up something!
act like you did when you were dating, it will help revive those memories.
if you already have a regular date night, then i highly recommend a second honeymoon! go somewhere where it will just be the two of you and you can really asses your relationship. it doesnt have to be expensive, just somewhere unfamiliar or romantic, etc.

good luck and dont give up! he really needs you at this hard time in his life. my hubby lost his best friend to leukemia when we were newly married. it was all of a sudden, they thought his cancer had been gone for years but it came back and he had a horrible infection. it was one of the few times i had ever seen my husband cry. i know its nothing like being in a war, but hang in there! God never throws us anything we cant take, but we would never be able to do it without his help!

hi there,
i was very moved by your posting and wanted to talk to you more. i am a publicist (and also a mommy) and would like to possibly work on something for you for mother's day.
call me:
jill ###-###-####.

You did not mention how long ago he was in Iraq or how long he was there. Regardless, what he has seen and been through there really effected him. I think maybe you should talk to his counselor and ask if you could have an appointment together a few times, as his illness is causing problems in your interpersonal relationship. Try to find a support group in your community or maybe online of people whose loved ones are effected by PTSD. At this point in your relationship, I would not worry about the "in-love" feeling as much as I would getting to know each other and become friends again. I wholeheartedly agree with the person who recommended the movie "Fireproof." I have not read the book, but have seen the movie and if the book is anything like the movie it had some great suggestions. You get to develop the caring and friendship part of your relationship again. Also, there is a book called "Five Love Languages" that helped one of my co-workers who was having problems. She credits that for helping to save her relationship. I think you have to remember, it is hard to have that "in love" feeling for someone if you don't live together for whatever reason...in your case, it is separation because he was in Iraq. Just get the respect and friendship back and the love will follow. Get a babysitter and go on outings with him...do things for him that show your affection. Try to communicate more face to face instead of texting. If you get into an argument, ask him for time alone to cool down or think if you see that things are escalating.

Best of luck,
J.

This has got to be very sad and scary for you. It sounds like he is really working on getting himself healthy. Are you in therapy as well? This is a huge amount to process, and some tools would be super helpful. After some healing goes on you might want to go for couples therapy. I know I sound like an ad for the American Psychological Association, but your husband, and you, have been through a very traumatic time, and I doubt you can resolve it all without good help.

Given that you know what the root of the issue is I'd put that "loving feeling" search on hold for now, and work on getting healthy together. Personally, I'd give it more than a few months. Good luck.

Have you ever thought about getting some counseling? Marriage counseling can really help get to the real issues. If he is verbally attaching you this may really benifit you.

There is a great marriage seminar happening next Saturday at North Coast Church on Melrose. www.northcoastchurch.com.

Maybe talking to a counselor, together and seperately, would help. An objective third party. Maybe there's one that specializes in post traumatic stress syndrome and would be able to help your husband deal with what happened, and hopefully open the communication lines again.

Hi M., I'm sorry that your family is going through this.
What about counseling? It may not help you fall in love again right away, but it may help your husband figure out why he has the feelings that he does have. It sounds like he needs someone (therapist) to help him figure those things out. (about the loss of friend)
I'm so sorry that your family has to endure the effects of war. Your husband must be going through hell in his own mind.
When is the last time you really held you husband? Sometimes, good loving hugs can help make someone feel again. It does take two to make that happen though, so if you think that your husband has it in him to work with you, then try staying with him if you have it in your heart.
You should try to put the texting aside, and look eachother in the eyes. (without yelling)
Good luck to you!

I do not think it is reasonable to expect an in love feeling with someone who is verbally abusive. Please consider marital counseling with someone knowledgeable about mental health needs of military families. Your husband's therapist should be able to make a referral. Good luck.

Hi M.: We put so much pressure on that in love "feeling" when love is not necessarily a feeling at all. Clint Black has a song called "Something That We Do". Sometimes loving someone means holding on and treating them respectfully while they struggle through a difficult time that may not include us at all. Loving them may mean that we go and pursue things that allow us to grow and feel good about ourselves so that while they are on their path we can be even more strong and supportive. It doesn't mean we leave but we respect where they are, set reasonable boundaries for them to respect us and always let them know how much they are loved for who they are in our lives. As long as both parties have the capacity to be honest the love will be known and felt. Warmth and passion grow where trust is established.

A lot of great advice! Just remember, you won't always feel "in love" and you may not even like him very much...but marriage is a commitment and a LOT of work, but soooo worth it. All good things take work....those who take the time to exercise and eat well (a lot of work) have the results of being their ideal weight and feeling good about themselves....same with marriage. I don't always feel "in love" with my husband, but I sure do love him and so I treat him the same no matter how I feel.

Dear M.,
I think the movie "fireproof" might possibly help, but your getting the book that goes with it and has something for you to do to show him how much you love him everyday might be even more helpful. When we treat others like we love them and respect them, then our love for them grows.

I would also suggest that you get Dr. Laura's book, "The proper care and feeding of a husband." She has lots of ideas how a wife can show her husband respect, love, and support. You could even call or email her and ask her for her ideas. She has a wonderful radio program on from 12-3 in our area. She also has a son in the military. I think she would be very compassionate and may have ideas. I am glad he is getting some help...it must be very difficult.

My prayers are with you.
H.

It took a while to get into this situation and it will take a while to get out of it. In addition to his PTSD, you have little one, which in itself is a marraige adjustment. it is probably easier for him to push you away than to face the fear of losing you. Assure him this is not so, that you are in it for the long haul. Till Death Do You Part.
Dumping the text message service will be a start so you have to talk face to face.
Feelings follow actions. If you act nicely, you'll feel nice towrds him. If you act lovingly, the loving feelings will come back. Yes, you may have to force yourself to act a certain way, even put a fake smile on until it becomes habit again.
Unfortunately for many couples, me and my hubby included, it's easy to fall into the trap of only seeing what isn't done and what you aren't getting. Step back and think about what you are giving to your hubby? When you start giving (a simple thank you, holding hands, keeping your mouth shut when he does something annoying), the giving gets returned.
It's OK to be angry. Just don't take it out on each other. You have to find your way back to being boyfriend/girlfriend again. dig down deep for those feelings.
I went through a time where I was so mean to my husband. Reading Dr. Laura's books helped. BOTH of you should read these: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marraige and Stupid Things Couples do to Mess Up Their Relationship. You, on your own, should read Woman Power, which really makes you examine yourself.
Some people mentioned watching the movie "Fireproof" and reading the book The Love Dare. It's the same message as the Dr. Laura books but based on more religious beliefs. They are a good resource too.
A simple thing to remember is to treat kindly and act nicely.
Your marraige is worth fighting for and the basis of all your daughter needs in her life. Do not give up!!
As for the PTSD, if the treatment is not effective, go to another doctor. Check with the military base to see what counseling there is for couples dealing with this. Even counseling with the chaplain. Your husband is a warrior and he needs a strong woman to stand behind him. You can do it. Good luck.

M.,

You are incredibly ahead of the game already, becaseu you are aware enough to see what the dynamic is here.

First, you could use counselling as well. Get some. This is a two-way street, and neither partner would be hurt if you weren't both engaging in some behavior that isn't in your best interest. Avoidance, repression, etc.

econd, there is a book called "Venus and Mars daily digest. You and you husband can read one passage a day together, and then spend no less that 20 minutes discussing that passage. This will help you start talking again, and rekindle those feelings of love.

Lots of Love,
Linda

ww.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Hello, I haven't had any experience with it PTSD, my husband went thru an episode when he came back the last time he was deployed where he was just very distant but nothing like PTSD. The only advise I can really give you is do what YOU feel is right for yourself and your daughter. I'm from oceanside but live here in Vegas (AF husband) and just recently a man came home was being treated for PTSD and he just lost it and killed his wife and himself.... Its a scary thing and is not something to take lightly. So if you are willing to keep trying on finding the love and you don't feel yourself in danger then I say keep trying... Sometimes when you find that loves its all you need to fix everything! I don't mean to make it sound corny or anything... But truly do what you feel is right for yourself and for your pride and joy because if you can't communitcate and things aren't getting better for him then maybe time away can only help...help him see he loves you and his baby and that he CAN get through this and maybe his love can be greater than his anger... It takes time...I hope I helped and I didn't offend or upset you... If I did I apologize. Take care and I hope things get better!!!

Wow, you are probably right that your husband has been traumatized by things that he has seen and the losses that he has experienced over in Iraq. No doubt, that would be enough for me to harden my heart and want to shield myself from the pain but I wonder if some of what you are seeing and experiencing with you didn't start long before he left for Iraq. The most telling thing that you had mentioned is he is not close with his mother or his sister and he doesn't have contact with his father. I'm not sure what this estrangement is all about but suspect that this is an area that will need some healing before his heart will feel safe and open enough to falling in love again.

Understanding the cause of your husband's pain is one thing, but you can't do the work for him. When the time is right, and when you feel comfortable doing so, you can suggest that he obtain counseling to help him deal with the losses and the wounds to his psyche that he has sustained but, in the interim, I would suggest that you see if you can get some counseling yourself because if he is raging with you and saying things that are hurtful and mean, you are going to have some PTSD issues as well that will need some healing.

I hope this helps give you and your husband some direction. Please take care.