My husband and I have adopted 2 beautiful children. We fostered them until they were released for adoption. They are both boys and they are 4.5 months apart. The oldest came into our lives when he was 6 months old. The youngest came when he was 2 days (we actually picked him up from the hospital). From day one we bonded with our youngest it was like he was meant to be ours. The oldest is a different story he had been in 5 foster homes before us. We were told that he would have trouble bonding and we accepted the challenge. Now he is almost 4 years old and I find myself so distraught with him. I love him with all of my heart, sometimes it's just really hard to "get along" with him. When he gets in trouble he shows no remorse. He really doesn't care if his daddy or I leave him with someone to go out, when our youngest is crying for us not to go. I was just wanting to know if any of you have adopted and may be going through the same thing. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
I want to thank all of you for your wonderful advice and to respond to a few points.
-Even though he was adopted through the state he is not eligible for medicaid. (most are but my 2 boys are not). We do have medical insurance so this is not an issue. I just wanted to clear that up. Not every state adopted child has those benefits. My boys were under age 1 and healthy so they did not qualify.
-I am a very structured person and we have had a schedule since we started fostering.
-I know that he probably has RAD. I thought about it when he first came to live with us and I spoke with his pediatrician(who knows me very well) and she didn't see any signs of it at that time. This has really made a turn for the worse in the past year. I had tried to tell myself that it's because we moved to a new house and we have had a death in the family that devastated all of us.
-I will try some of the things that you all suggested. I do not want to send him to pre-k next fall with a label that will follow him the rest of this school days if I don't have to. He is a very smart little boy and has no problems fitting into a group and learning. He will not have any problems adjusting to school. So I am really not worried about that.
may i suggest you go to a family sicology.....maybe they can found out what is bothering the boy that he does not it is bothering him Good luck
M.,
First, I want to congratulate you and your hubby for adopting. It's a beautiful way to build a family.
Second your older son seems to me to have Reactive Attachment disorder (RAD). This is more common than most people think. How it happens is a child has had a "trauma" in their young lives. With the fact your son has had multiple moves before becoming your son, he may have felt abandoned, scared, fearful, and he doesn't trust the adults in his life now because of past adults letting him down.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAMILY'S FAULT!
There is an awesome website that probably can explain this better than I can. http://www.radzebra.org another one is http://www.attach.org or http://www.attachment.org I give these out so often that I sometimes forget the word. LOL
There is one other called http://www.radkids.org. I really have learned a LOT from these sites and actually live with my biological child who has this disorder.
Things you describe with his not caring and parent shopping, no conscience, no remorse all tell me it's RAD.
Yes Babies CAN and DO develop RAD.
I understand the not wanting a "label" for the schools, but if there IS a "label" then there are services for him in school. I would consider Pre-K in the fall to give yourself a break.
It was a LIFE saver for me.
you can email me if you want to talk more. I will find the link to the Attachment and Trauma yahoo group and send it to you. I found this group of parents so valuable to turn to and as a resource... its wonderful to have someone who "getsit" with special children such as ours.
____@____.com This is the link to the group I was telling you about.
HTH,
B.
deafmommie
Even natural born siblings display very different behaviors. Get in touch with DHR Post Adoption Unit. Most adopted children remain medicaid eligible entitled to 26 sessions a year. Your son may need therapy with you on attachment. He is entitled to early special education services through the school system. Use early Head Start or Head Start if he is age appropriate for those because they are very structured and focused on getting him ready for school. Give him consistent attention and structure. Find what he loves and develop his interest this area. Make sure each child has some one on one time with each parent. Thank you for opening your heart and home to a children without one.
I have my own natural children and adopted children and I have a degree in Child Development. The first thing I can tell you is that you received both your children at such an early age that your home is where they have received all of their developmental "learning". Now to the personally traits. I have four children and they all respond to life in different ways. Some people are just born easy going and some just are not. But to say it is "adoption" is not the answer.
You have two different boys and you will need to see the beautiful gifts in both of them.
Hi. First I must say, I have not gone through adoption. I greatly admire that you have and hope to someday. I hope that you don't mind me responding to your request even though I haven't adopted.
that said, my first born was in the NICU for 2 weeks, and we had a hard time getting attached. I felt it right away, but everyone else said he would never remember the time apart. But by 18 months, it was clear to me that we were not bonded the way I thought would be healthy.
Granted, he was littler than yours is now, but maybe some of these ideas will spark some for you. I practiced attachment parenting-type activities, like babywearing, co-sleeping and lots of eye contact. this is also called the continuum concept. The idea is that the skin-to-skin contact is very, very important, as are all other forms of non-verbal communication. For your situation, maybe more snuggling (while watching a movie? reading books), wrestling, napping together, any games that include holding hands (even arm wrestling or thumb wars). I've heard of some moms giving their kids foot massages. At his age, of course, he will have to let you know what he is comfortable with. Boys tend to bond with the active physical contact- mine love piggy back rides and pretending to ride the horsey-me! he also likes to pretend he's spiderman and hangs off my arms.
When I volunteered with children in foster care, I saw some very dramatic improvements when the kids were going to a good play therapist. I would encourage you to ask around and find a good one. Since you adopted, there may be some financial benefits so that you don't have to pay so much.
Also, when he was about 18 months, I just started talking to him about it. Of course, he didn't understand most of the words, but I think he got what my heart was saying. I apologized to him that I was not with him at the beginning, even though it was not my fault, it still hurt him. I asked his forgiveness. he cried with me, and gave me the sweetest little hug around the neck. It was very healing. Maybe you could make a scrapbook together of his time before he came to you. Draw pictures and talk about it. Maybe that will open up an opportunity to bring some closure and healing.
And please don't hesitate to find someone for you to talk to about this. It may be helpful for you to find a positive support group.
May you have a blessed Christmas.
Is He in counseling for the things He's been through? Could He have Reacttive attachment disorder from his life experiences.My son was born in India He has issues(adhd,bipolar,intermittent explosive disorder) but not bonding issues.
It's hard emotionally sometimes dealing with the behaviour disorders so I know that hard to get along feeling.Talk with the ped about a referral to counseling.
There's a great adoption group on cafemom I know those mom's could help you.It's the touched by adoption group.
Remember that big thing about the Romanian children that had been adopted around the world when we all learned about the horrible conditions they lived in at the Romanian orphanages? There is something that is SO important in instilling empathy and the ability to connect with another human being that happens in babyhood/early childhood. It sounds like your oldest was really shortchanged as a little guy. I'm not saying it's hopeless -- I'm just saying that he's going to take a lot more work. Honestly, I'd shop around for a good child psychologist and give him/her your son's history. With work, you CAN have a wonderful relationship with him!
It sounds as if your son may have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It is easily treated and there are fantastic therapists who help with this disorder and can do testing to determine if he has it. We have a child we adopted that was diagnosed with the anxious form of RAD. She was a teenager at the time. Treatment was specialized parenting, specialized therapy, neurofeedback, AMDR but no drugs or in-treatment. Generally, treatment is one month for each year of age, and our daughter fell into that treatment protocol. She's 21 now and doing great... it wasn't easy but it was necessary. I am happy to provide the name of our therapists in Atlanta if you would like to talk with them - they are very nice and will help. Good luck!
Seems to me like you are doing everything right. I think reassuring him that he is yours and neither you nor his dad are going anywhere could help. I have not adopted(looked into it, but couldn't afford it), but I did interships in college and counseled children who were wards of the state. Generally in children with horrible pasts or RAD, when they act out or display what your son is displaying, they are doing it as a defense mechanism. He has been traumatized and hurt by adults, so he "protects" himself by shutting his feelings off or hiding them. Trust me, they are still there though-you just have to keep doing what you are doing and break through that wall he has built up to protect himself. Once he understands that he is HOME and has stability, things should get better. It is a long road, though. I am sure that the age is not helping, either-epecially combined with the move and the younger sibling and the family death. You are your husband are a blessing, as are your children. Good luck and take care.
Hi M.,
I'm sorry you are having those feelings. I have never adopted, but I have 3 young kids of my own. With one of them, he had the "Terrible Two's" until he was around 4.5 years old--much worse than my other 2 children. He really knew how to push my buttons (unintentionally) and most mornings were a nightmare. I had a hard time getting as close to him during those rough patches.
I am wondering if this is something your son will outgrow in the next year or more. My son is half way through pre-K for the year. He has REALLY matured this year and is the sweetest, most sensitive boy you will ever meet. He is a joy and treat now.
I know it's hard, but just hang in there and know that your little boy needs your guidance until he is mature enough to "get along" better with you.
Give it a year and definitely put him in Pre-K when the age is right. Your teacher will help you work with him.
Keep us posted.
Hi. The boy was only 6 months when you got him, and now only 4. You just continue to show him unconditional love, helping him to feel protected and secure. When they are really young as yours are children can be trained and stirred. Don't give up on him, just love him teaching him about the love of God. Pray for him, that God will cover him and help you'll to bring him up the way He wills it. That God will show His self strong in your sons life. God is Almighty and can do anything. I hope this helps! May peace be with you and your family.
Hi M.,
We recently adopted a 2-year old boy from Kazakhstan. He came home 4 months ago and is doing extremely well. He was in an orphanage (a good one as far as orphanages go) for his first 2 years. We did TONS of research before adopting on RAD and other more minor attachment and bonding issues. We wanted to be prepared and armed with techniques to foster a strong bond.
There are so many strategies out there, like Theraplay. Find out from an attachment expert what things are best for his age and his specific issues. It is the very primal and simple things that will foster a closer relationship and open him up. The core elements of love, safety, security and trust are somehow still missing for your little guy's spirit. It takes time, energy and strategy to break through the walls that have naturally risen up around his heart from his first months of trauma. Do everything you can right now, because the older he gets the harder he will be to reach.
There are many online support groups at yahoogroups.com. Your best resource will be other parents who are going throug similar things. Reach out to them and I promise they will be there.
We are very fortunate that our son has attached well. But there is not a day that passes that I don't consciously make many efforts to deepen our bond.
Best wishes to you! Adoption is the most beautiful way to create a family and I commend you for giving these boys a loving home.
Take care,
Regina
I have never adopted a child and I commend you and your husband for doing it. I wouldn't really look it this through an adopted child verses a biological point of view. Biological children can take the fun out of parenting just as well.
How long has your son been with you? If most of the foster home stays were when he was a baby I wonder how much of that he can actually remember.
What I would like to say is that in any family with children, chances are you will have one that is going to be more challenging than the others. I would have imagined that my daughter with a learning disablity would have been my biggest challenge, but she has turned out to be the sweetest of 3!! My smart, normal kid, is the one that seems to be my biggest challenge. The way I see it, is this. We are on this journey together with our children as we raise them. We are learning how to deal with their life issues as they are learning to explore thier world as well. When they are babies it is much easier because most of what they are going through is learning to control their bodies and learn the language. Then we it on to setting restrictions as parents. We are learning what works as they are learning what they can and can't get away with. As they age the challenges change and we have to learn again how to deal with them. When they are pre-teens they are going thru puberty and learning about the opposite sex, when before that, sex was not even an issue. It may have been getting them to brush their teeth and clean their room. Then it's on to driving and the rules that go with that. It is always something for them and for us.
I beleive all kids will challenge us as parents. It is new territory for the adults and the child. When you were young you were on the flip side trying to see what you could get away with. Now you are the enforcer.
Consult with friends,family and professions to help your family through this stage.
