Adult Stepson Issues and Hurt Feelings?

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! Go get a "mani and a pedi" and enjoy this time in your life. Trust me when he needs you, he'll come back to you. He's only 21 and trying to find his way in life. Remember when you were 21? You've done what was in your power to do so hold your head up high!
You go girl!!!!

Well...at 21...it's time for him to stand on his own pins.
I think your husband made a mistake by getting him a job, but once he quits, it will become a faint memory to your husband's boss, co-workers etc.
I think what you said was perfect. You haven't done anything "wrong".
He sounds like an opportunist....so next time he has a sob story--be more wary.

Roots and wings is what we give our children. Now is the wing part.

You told him the right thing - good for him and mom working on their relationship. Everyone needs a strong support network and solid relationships, etc. As for how you feel - a) Less responsibility is always worthy of a cheer. Woohoo! He is someone else's concern. You aren't being selfish just realistic the burden has shifted. b) Your not having to support him is a good thing for your immediate family. Besides he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Practice makes perfect. Good luck, son. c) Your car isn't good enough in the balance of bribery. Oh well. The car did its job and your family rose to the challenges when asked to when the car was originally purchased. Well done. On the upside if you sell the car, it might be an unexpected financial benefit. d) I would be angry if I vouched for someone for a job and the person quit out of the blue. Shame on that person for taking my good name down with them. A job reference is a BFD. If I were your husband, I wouldn't vouch for him again. Or at the very least I would think long and hard about how mature he is before vouching again. I can ruin my own good professional name all by myself.

Let yourself feel however you respond and then give yourself the space and time to move to acceptance and the new way of things. He's a growing man boy and it will be interesting for the next few years. I for one do not miss my teens or early twenties, bumbling along in the grey between child and adult. Oh joy. Good luck.

I haven't read the responses yet. I think it's good for you to just let your feelings go on here. I work in academia and let me first say, let the boy make his decisions. He needs to grow up, and he's having a lot of support, but I don't see it as positive. Nothing bothers me more in my job is when one of my students brings mommy or daddy in. They are a legal adult, they need to be the proactive one, they need to be the one in charge of their life, not mommy and daddy. (another story)

My opinion is daddy needs to talk to him. Tell him, hey, I heard you may be quitting the job I vouched for you. That is your decision, but don't think I'll ever help you get another one. (This is my personal pet-peeve, I hate recommending people that I know, and they end up giving me a bad name for the referral.) I do think your husband needs to make very strong boundaries with him, this will really help him in the end. As for grandparents, well, they should too put strong boundaries, but that's something they need to decide.

I also feel your pain with the car situation. I would be hurt too, I won't even lie. I'm glad his mom and him are getting along, but buying your way in someones life never works. Hopefully they can have a great relationship.

He's a grown man, even if he doesn't act like it. There is no reason you shouldn't be happy he's out of the house. Of course you will always love him and care about him. There is nothing wrong with being happy for you and your husband that he's not that much of a responsibility anymore. I think good boundaries needs to be made for everyone's happiness, even if he doesn't see it now. You want him to be successful, you've given him the tools, let him learn how to really use them.

Hugs going out to you!

I think you should speak up if your feelings are hurt. I cleared the air with my 22 yr old SS recently and it helped. It may not change his attitudes, but it may remind him that you and DH did do things for him. You can still support his relationship with her while pointing out how you feel (like with the car). As for the car, take it back, sell it and buy something nice for yourselves or go on a trip or something. He wants her car? Great. She can pay for it, insure it, etc.

If he quits the job, then what? Will DH look bad? After my SS botched an internship when he was 18, I utterly refused to help him with any employment. He was on his own. MY name was not going to be dragged around by him. I think that your DH needs to have that talk with him. You can ask SS, "Why are you telling me? If you want my approval, you won't get it. I am disappointed that your dad stuck his neck out for you and put in a good word and you don't seem to appreciate it."

I have come to a point with my sks that they are old enough to be accountable for their own actions, including the actions that hurt others. If I would call an adult friend on his/her actions, I would call them on it, too. I think that my SS had no idea how furious I was until I dropped it on him and he's been doing better since. I didn't scream at him, but I was quite ticked off and let him hear it. My keeping my feelings in this case did not help. I focused not on SS's relationship with his mom, but how his actions affected US. My SS would have still hurt my feelings, even if it had been the Queen of Egypt involved. I don't expect the sks to not love their mom. But loving their mom doesn't = dumping on DH and I. They can skip that part.

You can be disappointed. And you can also say to yourself (and him) that these are his 21 yr old, adult choices to make and/or fail by. If he moves out, it means x, like his room becomes a guest room and he's considered having left the nest. Talk to DH about what it means because flitting from house to house for the best offer should not be an option.

He's 21 and in college. I understand he needs to stand on his own two feet and support himself. To me he sounds a bit immature, he wants to be seen as an adult but acts like a child. Hopefully he will grow-up before he graduates college. It's great that his paternal grandparents have the money to pay for college and give him an allowance. But I feel that he will not grow up and become an independent adult able to fully take care of himself until they stop supporting him.
Right now he is reacting as a child getting a new toy. Let him go but be there for him if he needs to talk. I wouldn't financially support him until he makes better decisions.

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Ouch! That hurts. He's gone from one extreme, relying only on you and his father, to the other extreme, relying on his mother. I suggest that with time he'll come back to the middle somewhere.

I suggest his mother is buying his love. She's wanted his attention for years and has found a way to get it. Especially if they didn't have a good relationship while he was growing up, he wants her love too and this is one way to get it.

I'd look at this as another learning experience for your step-son, just as starting college and going to work were. He has to go thru the experience to become a whole person.

I would work on letting go and accepting his decisions. Tell him that you love him, that you're hurting, that you want him to have a relationship with his mother, etc. Don't try to change his mind.

Keep the lines of communication going between you and him. Work at not being judgmental. Tell him you wish him the best.

Be good to yourself. Perhaps some counseling would help you work thru your feelings. Try journaling. Putting down your feelings on paper often helps us work thru them.

It sounds like he's going to find that life with his mother isn't all that good, especially if he quits his job. Is she going to pay for his schooling? I predict that he'll be back.

Well I can see where you are a little hurt bc i would be too if i were in your shoes, especially given the fact of how much you have helped him and the impact you have made on his life. I would be happy too that he worked things out with his mom, that is always best! I would feel happy that you did what you needed to do as his step mom and no one can ever say "well she didnt like him" or "she was jealous of him and his mothers relationship", you know what i mean? You did the best you could and you loved him and cared for him the way a step parent should. I am always a big advocate when it comes to step children. If a woman/man is going to marry someone who has children from another marriage/relationship then you must learn to love and accept them as a part of the person you love. It is normal to feel the way you do and you need to give yourself a huge pat on the back for going out of your way for this man. He is an adult now and he is obviously making his own decisions and so you kind of have to step back and let him live his life now. I dont think he thinks the car his mom is getting is better than the one you gave him, he probably feels like he has missed out so much with his mom that this might be her chance to redeem herself and help her son out the way a mother should. good luck! kudos to you!

Well done. You handled that interaction and news beautifully and appropriately. We all need to make our way in the world, on our own terms if possible. If you told us that he's only lasted at the job for a few months, that would not be good. A year is ok, though. Especially while still enrolled in school. It's ok to feel a little slighted, but don't take it to heart as it doesn't sound like he has bad intentions or was trying to hurt you or his dad. It is what it is, and it ain't bad. It just IS :) Good luck, I like the mani/pedi advice :)

It is only natural to feel the way you do. For many years you were mom and did for him what all moms would do for their child. You and hubby provided a car and took care of his needs. Now mom has come up with a way to get him back by buying the car and promising the moon. The grandparents helping by paying for school is nice but they did not put many strings on the requirement of the money. Is he to have a set GPA or he will lose his funding and such?

The world is a lot different than what people think and he is about to find that out. Be there as a backup but let him know that he is on his own. A visit once in a whle but not to come back and live. My aunt told me once that as long as I lived there it would be home when I moved it was not.

Good luck to you. You are perfectly normal with the changes in your life.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

The other S.

I definitely understand all the mixed emotions. I have grown children as well and they do hurt our feelings!

I would just try to concentrate on being happy that he's going back with mom. Now you can pull back with all of your support, but don't offer it again should he change his mind and want to come back.

You've got him out of your house now - easier to keep it that way than to let him come back and then try to get rid of him when he's 30+!

He's just a selfish kid, like most, who wants to be around the person he feels is giving him the most/best. Once he matures a bit more he will appreciate all you did for him. You just have to wait for that time to come.

You gotta let him make his way. Your husband should try to convince to at least leave the job right and not burn a bridge. He needs to understand that he is putting his father in a bad spot, since he vouched for him, so he should not burn the bridge for his father.

Outside of that, just stick to the facts--he's still a kid and sees through that lens. You guys are probably forcing him to take on more and more responsibility, and he is putting it off as long as he can. It's not about you. His mother probably promised him a "better" car to bribe him to come back to her place. It's not personal at all. You have done a good job, but you can only take him so far.

I just want to say good for you for what you said. I know you are upset, but let things settle and you can compose your thoughts and then talk to him. By telling him you are glad he worked out things with his Mom shows you are the bigger person. Im having my own step son issues and its hard. You maintained your cool and said something very kind. Good luck
T.

No need to be hurt. Mom is obviously making things easier/better (better car) for him, and most kids would take an easier path. She shouldn't be doing that at his age, but that's a moot point.

No, don't feel bad about his not being your responsibility any more -- I can't wait until my kids aren't my responsibility any more, and they are all mine. I'm done with taking care of other people.

You said the right thing, you sound like a great step mom, keep up the good work.

My parents divorced when my brother was 3 years old. Extremely long saga short, after not having had ANY contact at all for most of his life, my father contacted him, out of the blue, and eventually convinced him to move to another city and work with him. By this time my brother was 23 and married (my father was not invited to the wedding). Again, I'll spare all the "drama" and fast forward to now - None of us (with the exception of one sister who lives in Italy) is on speaking terms with my father. After approx 6 months, my brother & his wife came back - a little older and a LOT wiser!!

You and your husband have done everything right. He needs to learn that "all that glitters is not gold". If his mother is only a 3rd as bad as my dad, he'll be begging for your help again before you know it .... so you might as well enjoy the short break .... after all, you've earned it!!!

You were very gracious in your response to him. I think i would be both a little hurt and a little relieved that he was no longer our responsibility. I hope your stepson makes some big changes and takes on more personal responsibility in his life. I would try to maintain a cordial relationship with him. However, I think i would also have a discussion with your husband of what your joint response will be to him if this (living with mom) falls through and he tries to become dependent on you again. my response would be no!

I don't believe he's doing this to hurt you and his father. I don't believe he's doing this to throw anything in your faces. Accepting help from his mother, moving in with her, and trying to repair his relationship with her now that he's an adult not only has nothing to do with YOU and his father, but it doesn't discount everything you've done for him either.

As an adult, he has the right to choose what sort of job to take and keep. Just because his father vouched for him and gave him a job he didn't deserve, that doesn't mean he had to keep it. If he's choosing to go out and work for it, that speaks to the kind of young man you raised him to be.

At heart, he's still a little boy who needs his mommy. He was lucky enough to have you and his dad. Now his mom is opening up and offering her home and a car and so of course he's accepting because it's her way of building bridges right now. That doesn't mean he's tearing bridges down with you. It doesn't mean he loves you and his dad any less.

The more one loves, the more capable they are of loving.