So I tried to do something nice and help clear out my SS room and sold his lego's. We found a good buyer and the price was right and SS also agreed to all this. His father mentioned to him after we sold them he should give me a finder's fee. He volunatarily gave me $40, his dad didn't agree but he said he wanted to give me that so I took it. Fast forward a couple weeks his ex-wife is telling my DH that SS was upset that he had to give me money. I just don't understand why because we told him that he didn't have to give me that much. DH spoke to son and son is telling him that he never said anything like that to his mom.
To give some background I don't talk to his ex-wife because she doesn't direct a word to me..not even hello. I've tried to say hello and she walks away but now that my SS is growing up I want him to feel comfortable to talk to his dad and I and maybe if he did feel like this talk to us instead of his mom or is the mom just lying or exagerating and making it a big deal to my DH.
SS is very quiet so I think he needs to be honest with his dad but now how to tell him it's okay to be honest with us and that honestly is the best policy. I know boy's sometimes are more comfortable talking to their mom's and maybe that's why he does that but never once mentioned any of this to his dad.
As he is his teenage years I don't want for him to feel like he can't be open with us at our house.
Do I maybe need to spend more time with him alone as most of my time is concentrated with our DS who is 10 months old. SS was the only child for 13 years is he going thru some change now that he has a little brother?
I can use some guidance here...
Thanks Mom's for all your input. I gave him his $40 back and addressed the situation in our house. Left my DH's ex-wife out of it.
It is helpful to read all the different viewpoints on here to help me understand how he maybe feeling and how to more importantly help me through these times.
Listen to Cheryl B. This kid is in between it all, what a place to be - between a hard place and a rock.
1) Did he ASK you to clean out his room?
2) Did he ASK you to sell his Legos?
3) Was ANY of this HIS idea?
If it was NOT his idea, he likely just was a 'yes man' and went along with it so as to not rock the boat, and it's VERY likely his mom is getting an ENTIRELY different story than the one you're telling us. He's probably relating to her that he felt PRESSURED to go along. So yeah, I can see how her take on the whole thing is from an entirely different angle.
It's hard to talk to teenaged boys, I've got 2, I can't IMAGINE them being open and completely honest and straight about how they feel with anyone but me, that includes their father.
So yeah, you got a communication problem. It's no wonder she dissses you if she THINKS you're forcing her kid to do something he doesn't want to do.
Probably you should gently explain your point of view, probably she should know the kid was not FORCED to do anything, you know?
:)
I don't think your husband should have suggested that he give you anything. I'm sure your SS felt obligated and even if not obligated, at least obliged since his dad suggested it. Also, to be honest, if I were you, I would not have taken the money. I would have told him how fantasically nice it was that he offered, but they were his toys and it's his money. He very well may have told mom that he had to give you money because after dad "suggested" it, he felt an obligation. I wonder what your hubby would have said to him if he had not followed the "suggestion"? If I HAD taken the money, which I cannot imagine myself doing, then I would have returned it to him later that day or the next.
I don't think you should say anything about his mom talking to dad about this situation because he might feel betrayed by his mother and feel like he can't/shouldn't tell her things and you definitely don't want that. At this point, if you can, return the money or buy him something with it, but do NOT tell him that his mother said anything.
You might have TOLD him he didn't have to give you the money but he probably felt he had to do it anyway. I don't know how much you sold the Legos for, but to charge him $40 as a finder's fee sounds ridiculous. And he might be feeling more comfortable talking to his mom because he knows she is going to side with him and be more sympathetic, and being a stepmom myself, I know how sometimes they can exaggerate and to some extent play one set of parents off the other.
Personally, I would not have taken the money from him. I would have just told him it was his to keep and to not worry about it. Yes, SS needs to be honest with you guys but they also sometimes feel they are better off keeping quiet if they are afraid of rocking the boat or getting their parents upset. Teen years are rough for everyone. Usually I would just let his father handle the discipline side of things but he also needs to be willing to listen and let his son know he can tell him anything and he won't jump down his throat about it. It would be nice if he stood up for you more to the ex-wife and insisted that she be a little more civil (not knowing the circumstances of their divorce or what role, if any, you played in it). "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" is a great little book that you might find helpful in communicating with your stepson and getting him to open up a little.
Give him the $40 back. Tell him you didn't mean to upset him and the $40 isn't worth an argument!
If we sell any of my son's stuff-HE gets the money!
There is a chance that the term "finder's fee" was completely foreign to this kid and he didn't want to look like an idiot because he didn't know how much to give.
OK - this situation is a bit awkward. I think dad's trying to teach him responsibility but was really bad at it. A kid at 13 doesn't know what a finders fee is. If he was in on the decision to sell his stuff, fine, but he should get all the money. And you can talk to him about being an entrepreneur.
If you all can get into some blended family counseling, that would be great. Co-parenting is the best way to go and the adults have to be adults to make it work. Now I'm going to be blunt, because I've been through multiple divorces as a child and this is an issue close to my heart.
YES HE IS GOING THROUGH SOME CHANGES!!! Step back and put yourself in his shoes. His parents split, he's got 2 families he goes back - he no longer has "A" home - he's a floater and fits nowhere. He's in the middle of puberty so his body and brain are going crazy. Now there is a new baby being showered with love by his dad, and who gets to live with dad all the time. He is having a hard time with this new situation.
In your question, you refer to your husband as your DEAR husband (DH) and your son as your DEAR son (DS), but you refer to him as your STEP SON - not DEAR Step son, just step son. It hurt me a little every time I read that. THAT need to change. He may not be the child of your body, but you need to make him the child of your heart because he is the child of your husband's heart. It will make all the difference.
Good luck to everyone.
We're in the same boat. In four years my husband's former wife has spoken fewer than a dozen words to me OR even in my presence. Our take and mind you it is just our take on what you describe would be the mother is stirring the pot. If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with your stepson and your husband. I would give the money back to your stepson, explaining that originally you all agreed he didn't need to give you any money but he chose to give you money. Since that time it has been revealed via his mother that your stepson was bothered about the money, though. In which case you have decided to give him the money back for principle’s sake. Then explain to him in the future you would appreciate him having the confidence to be open and honest with you both directly. Explain to him no one likes to learn information second or third hand. Surely he will understand how that feels. You might even have examples with his friends or cousins you could use to bring the point home to him on a personal level. I wouldn't nag him about the whole thing, though. He's plenty old enough to openly talk to everyone. I think modeling the behavior you want will ultimately be the most effective. As for spending time alone with him, I think it’s a good idea for each parent to spend one on one time with each child in the family. Good luck.
I just don't understand why the suggestion about paying you was even brought up. I can't imagine taking money from my kids, and I imagine I will be doing stuff for them even when they grow up, get married, have kids etc. I would never ask for money.
It's like taking care of your baby, and taking money out of the baby's savings account (if your baby has one) because you are changing the diaper. Would you? I think you should apologize, and give the money back. It is not the amount you took, it is the fact you took it.
good luck
Personally, I would not have taken the $40. As parents we are supposed to help our kids with these things.
But, as far as the current situation. Yes, I would talk with him and yes I would encourage one on one time with him.
Good luck!
The story about the money sound odd to me. I don't think I would of asked for the money, but I see where you took it because the father told him too. I think I would of taken the money and set it aside for him to return it to him at a later day or get him something nice with it. As for the spending time with him. I think it's always beneficial for children to get one on one time with their parents and step-parents. It doesn't have to be anything fancy either. It can be a dinner at McDonalds, as long as it's time together.
give him back the $40, you should not have taken it.
just say you have thought about it & you think he should have it, end of story.
I think that 13 is a tough age for anybody.
My SS will usually talk to DH before me, and that's understandable (we married when he was 13). I think that his discomfort with his dad is something his dad needs to work on. If his dad tends to be quick to judge or jump to conclusions, SS may not want to discuss anything touchy with him. You could encourage DH to have some father/son time and really try to listen to SS.
DH needs to close the loop and talk to SS...not being accusatory, but to say, "Son, I need to know how YOU feel" and really listen to the kid vs trying to get anybody in trouble.
There are also times when you just can't win. You deal with the kid in your home and just go, "Yeah, whatever" to anybody else because it's too petty to really argue about.
Last summer, we took on mowing the widow neighbor's lawn. My SD was gone for a while and SS was here, so DH suggested that SS should mow it (he would get paid) while he was here with no job. SS suddenly got really upset about it and it took a long time for him to tell DH that he felt angry about being required to do things for people outside the family. What *I* really think it was about was that he was enjoying his time off and doesn't like to mow but also that his mother often uses the kids for moving work and he was tired of it. But that had nothing to do with US, we just got the brunt of it. You sometimes need to weigh if it's really about YOU or not.
DH can also tell his ex that he will talk to SS, but that was not the discussion/agreement. But not argue with her. Say he'll talk to SS. And then do so. Don't let her get more involved in something that was between you, DH and SS.
It may be that SS is having seller's remorse, and you, SS and DH need to sit down and discuss that and the funds he gave to you. Maybe you return some. Maybe he realizes it's not about what he gave you but what he gave up. Maybe he was OK til his mom said he shouldn't give you money. A family meeting is in order, IMO.
Also, I would not push for a relationship with his mom. It doesn't sound like she wants it and if she and DH work together for SS's sake, then let it be. I barely speak to my sks' mom and it's been 10 years. Nothing good ever comes of it. We can attend the kids' events and exchange small pleasantries, but I don't try to be buddy buddy with her. She likes to push boundaries (like bringing food to our home when no adult is home and leaving us with trash and dishes) and it's just better if I don't interact with her. That's DH's job.
I think you should take the $40 and go out together. Just you and him. Say it was very nice of him to give you the money...so nice you want to spend it on him. Either go out for a nice dinner if he likes that at a special place, or head to the arcade, play games and eat pizza! Just make it all about him and his very mature decision to give you the "finders fee". That because he was so nice, you want to reward him.
Good Luck.
Use that money to take your SS someplace more fun than McDonalds-just the two of you! You know it's a tough time for him adjusting to his father having a new baby. go out of your way to show you love him, now before he's older!
Give the money back. I can't believe a "finder's fee" was suggested to a 13 year old. It never should have been suggested, you never should have accepted. Tell him you decided it should be his, as they were his toys. Leave the mother out of it. She didn't cause this situation and bringing her in could make him feel like he can't trust the one person he currently has to confide in.
As far as him not feeling comfortable talking to you or his father, I wouldn't feel I could talk to an adult that suggested or was willing to take a portion of what little money I had as a teenager. That's his money. He doesn't have a job. Money isn't just flowing in for him. He could have done or gotten something he had been looking forward to for a very long time. Instead, he has to give a bunch of it to his step-mom, who may or may not have pushed him into getting rid of his toys. Give it back!
He sounds like a really sweet kid & was only trying to make you & your husband happy. You need to give him the $40 back. You should never have taken it.
