Ok so we just got back from vacation on Sunday. We went to Florida and stayed with my husbands parents by the beach. We have 4 kids ages 7, 6, 4, & 2. The oldest is my daughter from my previous marriage and the 6 year old is his son from a previous marriage. Every day she called my step son's mom. Step son would not ask she would just say "lets go call your mom." His mother was on vacation in Florida also about an hour away with her new husband. MIL had the gall to invite her over! She declined but still, how dare she invite her! Hubby has no idea as I just learned this this morning.
Also I was bathing the kids and when I went to bathe my step son she said to me, "be sure to wash his pee pee really good its red" I don't wash him down there as he can do it himself and at 6 years old I am not comfortable anymore doing that. It was not red anyway just normal color. Well about an hour later I found her and step son in her room and she had him laied on the bed like a baby getting a diaper change putting desitin on him, and ya know what happens to little boys when you touch it. I was appaled! I mentioned it to hubby and his reply was "well she is old school" I said she better not ever do that to my boys when they are older. I would never even do that to my 4 year old! We go down there very year and I am not looking forward to next year. We can't afford a hotel so its that or nothing. I know hubby will want to go though. They will be coming back home in April and be here till October and I am dreading them being home as their house up here is right out the roadand she pops in a lot. She critizes everything I do. She says my house should be clesn all of the time and I should be cooking 3 meals a day ( I do cook but I make enough so that there are leftovers for a few days.) What should I do?
Breathe and smile. Most MILs are a PIA!
The Desitin thing with the 6 yo creeps me out a little.....
I don't know if you have issues with the boy's real mother but I would give her a call and see what she says about the situation. It might be something more to it. She also might have ideas on how to keep MIL away from the boy at bath time or anytime he might be undressed.
Also don't be afraid to tell MIL that isn't right. Stop doing it. You are in charge of the boy's safety.
She's not a molestor! Get a hold of yourselves! She's an overbearing, annoying, insulting mil. That's not uncommon. Deal with her on that level. You have to keep intentions in mind. This woman loves her son more than the whole universe. You will never be good enough for him. Sorry, but that's life with a mil. She loves her grandson in that same all consuming way. She noticed what she thought was a medical concern and since you didn't address it, she did. Whether she was overreacting or not, she did it out of love and concern for the boys well being. If she is calling the ex and having him talk to her - she has concerns that he doesn't have a close relationship with his mother. That's a valid concern if he lives with you and has no interest in calling his mother at 6 yrs old. She was trying to be a peacemaker in that mother knows best way. She crossed the line, but that's an old ladys perrogative. She was trying to help. She has her grandsons wellfare 1st in her mind and if it steps on your toes, so be it. I'm not saying that's the right attitude to have, but you have to keep in mind that her heart is in the right place and she is trying to look out for her grandson.
OMG! The invite is something else! My jaw literally dropped upon reading that. It would be different if she consulted with you and hubby first and all of you were "friends" - but she didn't. Wow. And I agree - the desitin thing is creepy. She should not be doing that.
I would have hubby talk to his mother. I always feel that the child should talk to the parent if they are causing a problem. If hubby had a problem with one of your parents, you should talk with them about it. Same goes for him. Good luck to you!
Uggh. At age 6, he should NOT be touched by her. Gross, creepy, scary, very strange. You and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart. He needs to stand up for you and for his son and his whole 'new' family. He's no longer married to his ex, so she shouldn't be part of any of your family vaction. Period. She gets vacation time with her son w/o you guys butting into it, doesn't she? She (the ex) probably knew it'd be weird and that's why she declined. But MIL seems to be in denial that she's no longer part of the family. How long have they been divorced?
Sounds like saying "MIL is old-school" is husbands easy excuse for his mom and his way of avoiding a real conversation about it. If she's going to live with y'all for a while, there need to be some "home rules" that your husband will stick with to help you. Like being extra-compimentary to you about how much he loves your food and how much he likes the house the way it is (maybe MIL thinks you're not good enough for her son). With comments about the house/cooking, I'd keep your responses short and quick with a smile on your face: "Yea, well 4 kids sure does keep me on my toes." or "Oh great. Now that you're here you can help me get some extra cleaning done. The vacuum is in the front closet." "I'm so grateful that I can cook big meals and get leftovers - and not have to be in the kitchen all day long. It's great to have that extra time to spend with the kids and your son. I think if I were in the kitchen all day I'd be miserable."
Good luck.
It might take a few years of her 'popping' in to finally trust that her son and grandchildren are in capable hands. If she hasnt been a second wife herself, she does not realize how cutting she is being when she brings up the ex in front of you.
The thing with the 6yr old grandson is sorta iffy... that would just depend on the family dynamic that's been shared over the years. 6 is pretty old for grammy to be checking out the wang, but in some families it's probably a normal thing, especially if the 6 yr old is still emotionally immature, which it sounds like he is otherwise he wouldnt be comfortable nekkid in front of grandma.
Maybe you should be friends with your hubbys ex, maybe she has some stories to tell about MIL that you can both laugh about.
If you have an OK relationship w/step mom, find a way to co-parent as much as you can - your kids will thank you for it.
As for MIL - she's wierd with the desitin thing - he's 6, so it's not appropriate and he has every right to tell her no. Teach all your kiddos good touch/bad touch - this is important because the abusers (and I'm NOT saying MIL is) are very often NOT strangers.
Your husband needs to wake up to the reality of his mom and man-up about setting some boundaries. She needs to call before she visits - you have too many kids and too much going on for drop-ins. It's his job to deal with her.
Was she putting Desitin on your 6 yo? That is odd. I would not allow her to be around my kids unsupervised and I would talk to your stepson about innapropriate touch. Like NO ONE, only the doctor can touch his private area and that means even you, daddy, and grandma.
See what he says but do not provide any leading questions, like has grandma ever done this, that would be leading. But say If you ever experience this kind of behavior from anyone it is ok to come to me or a teacher.
This woman isn't "old school"- she's crazy! At least your husband's ex had the courtesy to decline the invitation.
It sounds like she doesn't like you and is making you deliberately uncomfortable. It also sounds like she may have really liked his first wife. It is highly inappropriate for her to be applying anything to that child and I doubt that his mother would be okay with it.
You need to have a conversation with your husband about how her behavior (not her) makes you uncomfortable. Agree on the parameters of the interactions (supervised, not for more than a few hours in-town or just the one week in FL) and then do your best to stick to it. If you are on good terms with the ex-wife I would strongly suggest reaching out to her and asking her to mention to MIL that she isn't comfortable with the "applications" and that while she loves time with her son, she respects his time with his father and will not interrupt it. It may be taken more seriously coming from her.
I think that MIL was out of line on both counts.
For one, I'm glad the other lady had the sense to decline MIL's meddling. If my kid was away and I was also on vacation, I would be annoyed about that kind of thing, personally. What was MIL thinking?
And two, no, no, no...she should have come to DH to talk to him about his son (and why was she involved anyway?) and/or told her grandson to talk to his dad. I think she's overstepping and if she makes you/your family uncomfortable, do something else next year. I would NOT stay with her again.
Before they come back, I would have some serious boundary conversations with my DH. For starters, boundaries with the kids. She's looking to get CPS called on you (her) with this and for two, with your marriage and home. She's a meddler and DH needs to stand up for your home and family.
J.,
I would find a good family therapist that will help your husband understand that his mother might be sexually abusing his son.
Does his mother know her MIL is doing that?
I would try to have the best possible relationship to the exwife.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria
Move-never put one toe in the state of Florida again-and let 6 yr old start showering -alone-I'm surprised the modesty thing hasn't kicked in. Speak directly to your MIL-lay down your rules-tell her never to critisize you again-don't put your husband in the middle-and good luck.
Way out of line! Wierd too! I have an issue with my MIL but more to do with junk food being brought into my house, but that's another issue. I understand that a mother loves her son and grandchildren but that in no way is a licence to be direspectful to you and overstep boundaries! Hubby should and needs to speak with her and support you! Unfortunately mine has a hard time with this as well. If he won't help you, stick to your guns and let her know in as nice a way possible how you feel. Good luck to you!
When she "pops in", just don't answer the door! When she calls later just say, I heard the door but it wasn't a good time for company, next time why don't you call first and I'll let you know when its a good time. Start to limit the time with her. My mom lives down the road and we see her maybe twice a month for a couple hours and once a month the kids spend the night on a weekend. And we see her on holidays and bdays. YOU are in charge of YOUR home and YOUR kids. Start to limit the time. And it may be time for a new vacation spot. Who wants to go on the same vacation every year???? good luck!
Sit down with your DH and explain that you appreciate the generosity of his parents, but that his mother is crossing (several!) lines and it needs to be addressed.
The episode with the ointment is disturbing and inappropriate, especially after you check the child and deemed that he was okay--she needs to respect your place as parents and not try to take over. If she was that worried, she was welcome to talk to her son, but beyond that, she needs to sit back down (so to speak).
You also need to tell him that you find it inappropriate that she is trying to manage your SS relationship with his mom--that is yours and DH & the stepmom's place, not hers.
Then, come up with a plan of action. It may be that you can address this somehow after the fact... Or, it may be that you'll have to wait until the next incident (sadly, there will no doubt be one), and address it immediately at that time.
Your DH needs to help set the boundaries. And if he won't, he needs to know that you're going to, and you expect him to back you up.
I think you need to start with your husband. It seems that saying she's "old school" is just his way of not dealing with it. He may not think it's weird or he may not want to get involved. It sounds like MIL has her own set of rituals, beliefs, and "standards" and actively encourages everyone else to adopt hers. He's probably dealt with it his entire life and doesn't feel like fighting it...and that is just not okay. I would start talking to him about his expectations, etc. when his mom is around and tell him why and with what you feel uncomfortable and go from there.
Wow - I'd be really upset about both of the main issues mentioned!
Something really doesn't feel right - - As others have said, have a sit down and serious conversation with your husband about all of it.
If it's her house, she can invite over anyone she wants to, including your husband's ex. but it was still inconsiderate of her not to ask if it would be awkward for your husband and you if she did so.
For her to put diaper cream on a six-year-old after you told her that he was fine was WAY out of line, but he's your husband's son, and if your husband won't challenge her on it, you don't stand a chance of stopping her with your step-son. But you do need to make it cleat ro her that with YOUR children, what YOU say is law, whether she agrees with it or not.
As for how clean your house should be and how often you should cook, that's NOT her call to make, and when she's in YOUR house, she needs to STFU about it.
