I am a lesbian and my partner has a 4 year old daughter. We have been together for 2 1/2 yrs now. This year our daughter started pre-k 3. My partner and I were the one who registered her and we our relationship was clearly expressed from the beggining. The father does have an equall role in her school life including school participation. We could not be more proud of the work they have done and the things she has learned. Until today, I have had no complaints. This morning when my partner dropped our daughter t.o school one of the faculty members stop to conversate and it got brought out that the faculty member, our daughter and the father talked about a baby. The faculty member endorsed the idea to our daughter that she needed to tell mommy and daddy that she wants a baby. (in the tense that she wants them to have a baby, not that she herself wants to have one) The dad encouraged the idea, but he is not the issue. Our daughter I'd very clear on the relationships of the ppl in her life. She is not in any way confused in anyway or unhappy with the way things are. And she never entertains that "mommy and daddy" do anything together. She actually disagrees with it because she knows that those "type" of things are done by mommy and bae (me). I am very furious with the school for confusing her and trying to persuade her into something that does not with our daily living. How should I handle this??
Thank you for all of your great advice. I do want to clear up that its is not that she thinks heterosexuality is bad, she just knows that her mommy doesn't do those things with her daddy. She does know that in other families they do. Sorry if that was unclear. But I have decided that I will let my partner speak to only the faculty member and that she do it on both of our behalfs. Because although some places don't recognize our relationship or my input, this school does and my opinion will be heard. I have come to believe that it wss just an innocent opinion and that when addressed it will be resolved. Thank you again everybody.
I'm sorry but gay/straight completely aside - since when should school faculty be pushing kids to tell their parents to have another child?. Is this somehow their business?
@Inmy30salready - WOW - just try telling all the step parents of divorced kids that they are not really parents. Just step aside and let that ex decide all.
As a strait, married woman, I would be pretty annoyed myself that someone was discussing my reproductive activities - that's just weird and not appropriate.
Don't get upset at the school - it's not the school, it was one of the faculty. Once you've come down from furious ;) I would let the school know that the conversation happened, and that you don't think it's appropriate for teachers to discuss family planning in this way. It's just not appropriate, regardless of the parent's orientation.
I am sure the teacher meant absolutely nothing with the comment.. kids say all kinds of things.. I agree with the poster.. if the kid said he wanted a bike.. I would say ask your mom..
If hte teacher has 20+ kids to manage..there is no way she can keep track of who has 2 parents married together, 2 parents serarated... divorced step parents.. parents of the same gender... whatever..
I would let it drop as a non event.. I do nto think your child was damaged in any way by this.
Since you were not present for the conversation, your partner needs to address it. Regardless of your orientation or relationship status, I would be annoyed with anyone telling my child to convince me to have another baby. That's highly inappropriate. If I were your girlfriend, I'd simply tell the staff member in private, that you felt the conversation was inappropriate. That she should not encourage a child to ask for a baby. I imagine the conversation with the child's father was tongue and cheek (you said he was encouraging it). I'll bet she thought she was passing along what she assumed to be a cute anecdotal story.
As a teacher, if a students says they want a bike, a tuna sandwich or a baby--I would answer--tell your mom and dad tonight when you get home. Lesbians and gays gets so damn touchy on things that are not meant to be touchy!!! And yes, I am lesbian...
How do you know the tense and that it was an endosement, etc. It was just a teacher not ignoring your child!!!!
Dear S.,
This was absolutely inappropriate on the part of the school, and your plan for dealing with it sounds great.
I really just wanted to write, though, to let you know that after I read "InMy30sAlready"'s response, I clicked on "report this." In my report, I stated "This is a profoundly bigoted response to a question from a lesbian mom. It's about as unsupportive as you can get."
Just wanted you to know that not everyone on this site is like that woman, whoever she is.
Best wishes,
Mira
As I read this, I could see the faculty member saying something like "you need to talk to your mommy and daddy about that" not as a slight to you in any way, but in a just what came out kind of way. I don't, personally, think it was meant in a harmful way at all.
It sounds like your daughter's school kind of overstepped their bounds...but they probably did not mean anything bad by it. Perhaps you and your partner could go in and just have a friendly chat with them to let them know the facts and how they should talk about this subject with your daughter if she brings it up. Maybe bring in the bio father too if you want to. It sounds like the faculty member is confused...and they should not be saying these things to your daughter in the first place. That is a subject for you and your partner to talk to your daughter about.
With a tersely worded letter addressed to the teacher, copied to the principal and the head of whatever Board controls the school. It is unacceptable; a teacher should NEVER be advocating to a child that that child's parents should have another baby - gay, straight or anything else. It's not her place; she doesn't know if perhaps that might be a touchy subject because maybe one of the partners cannot have/make a baby. It is totally off limits and she waayyyy overstepped her boundaries.
S.,
I am sorry this happened. I would tell them exactly what you said here. That you are furious and you don't want the school to confuse her. They may have misinterpreted things or that particular school member may not have realized that you two were a couple and then when speaking with the father, realized what happened. I would give them the benefit of the doubt to explain themselves. But be honest and ask for what you want/need. You may or may not get it, but at least it will be out there.
This is very typical for a 3 year old. I don't think your daughter is confused. I DO think that the staff member was out of line. But I would think that she would be out of line if you were a straight couple, too. It's nobody's business how many kids you have and when!
I would first talk to the staff member and let her know that you do not appreciate he interfering with your family dynamic. I really doubt she meant any harm, but, since I don't know her, I can't really say. If she continues with these kinds of comments, take it to the director.
My first thought was that she fielded a question about where babies come from or wanting a baby sibling. It seemed to me that she was letting you know she told the girl to let you know what she was wanting so YOU and your partner and ex hubby could explain things to her in a more clearer way. I do truly hope that your partner is able to get to the bottom of this though.
Say exactly what you said here. No emotions. Just matter of fact.
