Questioning Sexuality of My "Stepdaughter"

Hi Kai -

This is very, very, very common in kids this age. If you can visualize human sexual orientation as being on a continuum, where total heterosexuality is on one end and total homosexuality is on the other end, most of us are somewhere in the middle -- and as kids start exploring their own sexuality, they are trying to establish where THEY are on the continuum.

You're doing everything right -- establishing that your love for her is not contingent on her orientation, talking to her openly about sex (don't you wish OUR parents did that? ;) Also, it is now 'cooler' or 'more okay' for girls to be more 'tomboy', into sports, smarter in school, etc. This can sometimes make a girl look less than a girl according to our social standards. But, that doesn't mean that her orientation will necessarily change.

I went through this same thing with my son when he was 14 (he's a gentle, smart kid -- not your typical 'male'!). Six months later, he had a girlfriend. Who knows, he may end up changing his mind again, but it is all part of the process of figuring out who he is.

As to worrying about your daughter's exploration -- I had this conversation, too -- it went something like 'I know that there is a strong feeling to experiment and try this out, but experimenting can cause all sorts of weirdness -- parents get upset, friendships can be lost, and sometimes it can even end up in court -- you're simply too young to be engaging in partner sex, and for now, experimentation is something you need to do alone.' It wasn't an easy conversation, but once we had it, we could talk about it again. Now I think that I will actually be consulted when he is ready to have partner sex!

Anyway, hope this helps -- deep breath, Kai -- it's all normal!

J.

Dear Kai,

You sound like such a loving and caring stepmom. First, what clothes a girl might wear does not necessarily say something about her sexual orientation. There are lesbians who are quite feminine and there are heterosexuals who are quite masculine. Has she talked about her crushes? She may be shy about interpersonal relationships and so has not really shown any indication about who she might be attracted to. I am a sex educator who has raised three daughters and my first advice to you is to talk with your soon to be husband about sexuality values and education. Since you are blending your families there are some rules that you will probably need to establish about privacy for you two and things like bathrooms and nudity. Talking about values is a more nonthreatening way to start. Have any of the children had much age appropriate discussions about human sexuality? There are some lovely books out there with that kind of information. I always find that it isn't necessarily the knowledge part that is a problem, but how we all feel about opening up sensitive topics with our children. Children want their parents to talk with them about more than the parts, they want to know how to be strong in relationship to others. You sound like you have such an openness to your own children and when blending the households I would emphasized being there to talk about adjustment issues. You don't say how old the child is who will be sharing the room, so age-appropriate boundary information (in a general sense, so it isn't seeming just about her stepsister) might help. Finally, if your stepdaughter does really how that she is attracted to other girls, there are PFLAG groups even in smaller cities, which is a support group for parents and friends of lesbians and gays. They have great resources for helping families who are concerned about what might happen if their child is gay or lesbian. My best wishes to you.

I am a 54 year old mother of three adopted girls (now 20, 21, and 22). My partner's son is a gay man and they came from a culture that doesn't accept these things. I have a great life with my guy and our adult children and just found out I am going to be a grandmother!!

Kai,
I have a son who is gay. He just turned 23 and has a healthy relationship with his "life partner". They have been friends since high school. You state that you are not sure of her sexuality ? So this whole conversation may be mute I don't know ? Have you spoken to her yet?
I "KNEW" for alot longer than I let anyone believe, and I never discussed it with anyone I was afraid to,(afraid to admit to the possibilty) so let me say this (if nothing else) "GOOD FOR YOU" !!!!!!!!
Asking for others opinons would have been great when I was going thru this myself.
I have two son's (15months apart) so even though they are brothers I did have my concerns about HOW one brother would react to the brother who was gay....would he object to changing/showering etc with his brother around. Of course ALL my biggest concerns were pointless. They were more mature about it than the adults. They seemed to have a better understanding, than I did! They had talked about it before he "came out of the closet" so to speak. The only person who had no idea was Dad. Even his 4 yr old sister knew something was different about her brother,but children don't see this as a problem,Neither do I...Children only JUDGE other people when taught to.....
Dad took a lil time to get used to the idea but NEVER let our son feel anything less than a man. We love our kids regardless. Some parents can make that statement but it's only true when put to the test.
Since we are talking about step sisters they may feel a lil different. I would guess that like anything else it will depend on the people involved. Is your daughter old enough to understand what being a lesbian is? Do they already have a friendship between them ? I would assume that if they are already friends,your daughter probably already knows.
Once you have spoken to the step daughter then talk to your daughter.One thing I always tried to be sensitive about was that it "WAS NOT MY NEWS TO TELL".
Maybe my son wasn't comfortable with everyone knowing about his sexuality, such as Grandparents etc....when he was ready to discuss it with family he did. I do not believe that this was a "CHOICE" for my son, I honestly believe it was in his DNA or his genes or whatever you want to call it but my son was born gay. Many of my friends think that he MUST have been molested or taken advantage of as a child!!Which we did discuss at length. This really upsets me, it implies that either my husband or myself is a child molester or that we are obviously not a very good parents to allow this to happen to him ! Nothing could be farther from the truth...
Sorry I start to get a lil worked up......
I love my kids...gay,black,white,female,male no matter what they wear,what color they want thier hair etc.....(To a limit...my daughter is 12 & wants to start coloring her hair but I think she is too young yet to be doing those kinds of things)..but you get the point right ?
I have noticied that I am rambling so....if you want to talk further please feel free to e-mail me directly @:____@____.com
Your step daughter is a lucky girl to have someone that cares enough to ask for advice.
Good Luck I hope i didn't confuse the issue even more....
L.

I know a few teens that have this issue. I noticed with one, her sisters were having alot of kids. She became lesbian but than she had a baby. I know some people are sexually molested and doesn't talk about it, sometimes turn lesbian. I was a tomboy myself, but I never resulted in changing my preference. I know a boy who only has a sister, he gets laughed at because he acts girlish. I don't know what else to tell you.

Hi Kai,

You don't mention how old your daughter is so I'm assuming she's a preteen or teen also. It's normal for kids at that age to be curious about their sexuality, regardless of their orientation. So my advice is to keep it in that perspective as you educate your children about these concepts. Talk with your girls about respecting people's boundaries, what is acceptable in your family, and foster a safe climate where all your kids feel comfortable coming to you with their concerns/feelings. It isn't uncommon for heterosexual girls to experiment with their heterosexual girlfriends - it's safe and non threatening for them. Sexual curiosity is not dictated by sexual orientation. It's really about respecting personal boundaries. That is where your focus should be, in my opinion. I have a hard time envisioning you removing your step daughter from her sister's room without making her feel rejected and/or inadequate.
If your biological daughter is younger than your step daughter it really doesn't change that boundaries, respect, and communication are expressed, valued and demonstrated by the parents. My girls are 14 and 9 and I have to stay on top of it right now cause things are a changing! It's a very dynamic time and as mothers we have to be vigilant. Hang in there!
Best,
T.

You don't mention the age of the children. Assuming they are teenagers or younger, you said it yourself, they are too young to be labeled. Keep the lines of communication open so that ALL the children feel comfortable to talk to you and share their feelings and you can work thru issues together as they arise.

well this is kinda close to home for me cause at one point in my life I was a lesbian....I was young and impressionable and didnt really forsee the futer and how being gay would figure into it......my family supported my descion and to my disbelief got used to the idea and even let me bring girls home to meet them.....since then I have realized that I was only going through a phase...I have married and had children since then and chalk it up to teenage curiosity so as for feeling safe with your daughter I think thats a reasonable concern not that anythinh physical would happen but as happened to me the influince of her might open your daughters mind to experiment....not saying she will just one thing that could happen I would be also be a little concerned with what the step daughter might be exposing to your daughter. Who knows seeing her step sister gay might make her angry and resentfull or could foster her ability to have empithy for all kinds of people.. Either way trust in the values you have instilled in your child and know she will make the right desicions. Hope my rambling helped alittle

as far as sharing rooms, that is really about concern about her acting out behavior toword others. that has nothing to do with sexual preferense, just if she has been inappropriately exposed. can you have a talk with her about all this, and find out if she has ever been molested... about her preferense and sharing a room, from my personal experiance, don't worry. i didn't know all about homosexuallity but was naturally attracted to women as well as men. later when i figured out that i was bi, no one was supprised. they knew all along. i had been molested as a kid by other young people, boys and girls, but never acted that out toword friends. just admired them. open dialogue will help. glad to hear that you won't have any conflicts with the subject, because she will be able to make her choices more easily. if you can't yet talk to her about this, then maybe you can talk to your daughter about sharing the room and ask her to let you know if anything happens. good luck. and our styles and attractions change over the years. she may just be a tom boy.

Hello Kai!

It sounds like you're very concerned about this, mostly because you're afraid it will affect your daughter.

You didn't mention how old your stepdaughter is. It's hard to answer this question without that information.

It's normal to "pretend" to be the opposite sex at times for both boys and girls. Some just do it more than others, and at different times in their lives.

I wish I knew how old she was, so I would know how to answer you better.

I think if she's a teen/pre-teen, then she's at a VERY difficult time in her life with identity anyway, and making her feel "wrong" is the WORSE thing you can do for her. She will rebel against you, and especially to get at YOU, as her stepmom. I should know, I've had LOTS of practice at being the best stepmom I could be.

If you are unable to find satisfaction with answers here today, please let me know, as I have a friend that may be able to help "say the right things" to you.

I'll be thinking of you.

:o) N.

Don't worry. (I know that sounds easy and isn't!) I had a bisexual daughter sharing a room with my "straight" daughter, and guess what? No problems, aside from normal sibling stuff! One likes whomever she likes, one likes boys. A healthy "You like who you like" attitude in the family helped us, too. You sound like you are prepared to do a great job embracing the child as who she is, and that is what matters, really. And you never know how sexuality will evolve, so I just find it best to let it be what it will be.
We do live in a society that tries to make deliniations of right and wrong about sexuality that are not really necessary or helpful for human growth, and THAT may be the only place you have a problem. I have been lucky enough to raise my daughters to be okay with themselves regardless, and I am sure you will do the same. It will be more of a struggle to fight society's effect on their sexuality than each other's effect! That, and my child had a point: "Who would be attracted to their new sister? That isn't about GAY, that is about something else! You have to live with them and sisters are a pain anyway!" LOL

Hi Kai,
I am a single mom of a 22 year old. But when my daughter was in high school she was bi-curious and I let her explore her sexuality. She dated both girl and boys. Even though she is married with a daughter of her own, she still is a young lady who still like females and her husband is okay with it. Go figure. Anyways, you should except her for what who she is. And you never no your own daughter might have these tendencies. One thing I knew is that my daughter always wanted to be a mother so I knew that her relationships with females would eventually end. But she came to me the other day and told me that she is attracted to this one girl and I asked her what does her husband say about it and he said as long as she does not have sex with her he is okay with it. What can I say about the new generation.

For those who preach about morality of the issue is so much in the dark ages. Homosexuality has been going on back in Jesus's day. You can not hold a person back when they have feelings that are different from the norms. There is so much teenage suicide and homophobics killing these kids that we as adults should not look down on them because this is what they have chosen for themselves.

We need to be supportive and don't bring our own morale issues into it and confuse these young kids. They will make up their minds. That is what we are teaching them to do.

Kai, do not be afraid of talking to your stepdaughter, ask her where does she see herself when she is 25 or so and if she says married and having kids. Don't worry about, she is just exploring her sexuality. Take the girls shopping in all girl boutique store and see what her reaction is. See if she try on any clothes. You don't have buy anything, you are just looking. Check out her reaction. You will get your answer. Then take her to a Walmart and see if she heads over to the mens section instead of the womens section. You can tell if she prefers one over the other.

But love her no matter what that is the main thing.

Hi. I learned in the last few years that my niece is now legally my nephew. I have to say that it surprised me but when I think back, maybe it doesn't so much. She was never comfortable in dresses... always quite awkward in them or anything girlie. On Halloween when her sister was into princesses, or girlie costumes, she was into dragons or more masculine costumes. As she grew into a teen, she became more angry and I think it was because she was trying to figure out who she was. I still think she is still not totally happy. It is my understanding from my sister that once they start the male horomones, go to continous counseling and do the breast reduction, that they do not have to do the full sex change to become legally the other sex. It is possible that your soon-to-be daughter is just a tomboy; however, it is possible that she is struggling with the fact that she is in the wrong body. From what I understand, a lot of them know early on. Maybe she could have someone to talk to that is not connected with the family... like a counselor to help her sort things out. The family needs to be totally open to her feelings and be very understanding. I personally cannot imagine what it would feel like to be in this position of not knowing who or what I was. I wish you the best on this.

Hi Kai-

I think when you're joining two families with kids, it's very important to have a talk about sexuality and what's appropriate, with all adults and kids present. You've likely already set up house rules for behavior, in terms of helping all your kids get along (no teasing, bullying, be accepting, etc). You should also explicitly state that no sexual contact or exploration of any kind is allowed between kids or between kids and adults in your household.

Your kids will likely be embarrased, or roll their eyes or tell you you're being disgusting, but it's critical to be clear about this from the start. Statistics show over and over again that unhealthy and sometimes abusive sexual activity is much more likely to happen in step families.

So it doesn't matter whether you're worried about your daughter and stepdaughter, or your son and stepdaughter or your husband and daughter or son, or whatever. You don't need to announce that you're concerned about your potentially lesbian stepdaughter. Just be clear that even if you're not blood related, you're a family, and boundaries of all kinds need to be respected.

Hi,

I am a mother of three matured children, and three grandchildren. I have also been a social worker and teacher very early on.

Before I respond I have a few questions:

How old is the girl?
Does she have a close relationship with her mother, or any other females.

I can say that a love and trust relationship is the most important. Perhaps a close relationship with you and your daughter will be an important step to understanding her own sexuality.

Not to worry...just enjoy your wonderful family.

N.
Menlo Park

My thought would be, how do the two girls feel about sharing a room? If they are both ok with it, then I think it is fine. I think sharing a room with her step-brother would be far more awkward, even though they're both "playing on the same team" so to speak... I will say, since a number of my friends are gay or lesbian, that most of them knew they were gay at a VERY young age (like under 7 years old). A lesbian co-worker of mine says that she used to absolutely flip out about being put in a dress, as young as 2 or 3 years old. Even though your step-daughter is young, I don't doubt she knows exactly who she is. It could be that her dad is just supporting her as she's always been?

Good morning,
This is my first time responding to mamasource and i thought this was a topic that is with deep concern: I just wanted to know the relationship you have with your step daughter and do you really except her for who or what she is as if she were really your own daughter?? I noticed when you speak of her shes labeled as my "step daughter" why the quotations??? When you speak of her sharing a room with your daughter there is no quotations when you speak of your own. I work with teenage girls at the children's receiving home and i see it everyday, young ladies who dress a certain way and when asked the question why,the only response i get is "NO IM NOT GAY I JUST LIKE DRESSING THIS WAY" so step mom to be dont sweat it, it might just be for her to stand out from others at school, ect! Also just curious on how your daughter feels around her in the room? I hope you all find peace and comfort within your new family:-)

Sincerely,
M.Strother

If the girls are far apart in age, then they might not be comfortable in sharing a room anyway. I wouldn't worry about them sharing a room just because one might be gay. Even if your stepdaughter is gay, to think that she will be inappropriate with her sister is absurd. Your stepdaughter should not be treated differently because you suspect that she is gay. And further, if you do move her out of the room with your daughter, it might feel to your stepdaughter that she is being punished or ostracized. Those feelings might hit her very hard. You don't say how old either girl is but I think this issue should be handled delicately. (by the way, just because lesbians are attracted to women does not mean that they are attracted to EVERY woman)

Hi Kai,

I have no idea how old your stepdaughter is, however I have a five children, of which one is gay. I have discovered that love is the only answer, and that the younger generation will "declare" their sexuality before they even know for sure. I say be the best friend to your stepdaughter that you can be, have open communication with your own children, and love all of them without restraint. I have one daughter that has always been "butch" and the others thought she was actually a lesbian, well she is now a wonderful and loving Mom, looks and attitudes can be deceiving. Just love them all for the gift they are and raise them to be humans you would want in your life. My heart to yours, T.

Whatever clothes she wears won't change her sexuality. There is no reason to believe that her sexuality should cause a problem with sharing a room. If they do share a room and it ever becomes clear that your stepdaughter is lebian/bisexual then you should discuss it with your straight daughter to make sure she's comfortable with it. I think it's still too early to worry about.
The whole female bisexuality thing is currently a fad - my 15 year old daughter told me the other day that it seems like 'all' the girls at school are bisexual (she was not including herself, just discussing it). So if the girls are to be sisters, it may not ever be an issue, even if your step-daughter does turn out to be gay. I gotta tell you the kids are pretty open about such things these days and cool with it.

Kids are generally curious at different stages, but I would not be concerned with her sharing a room with your daughter. Sexual preference doesn't equate to experimentation. If you are concerned or have seen some signs of curiosity between the two girls or with your step-daugher, it might be a good idea to open a dialogue about our bodies and that they are our own - i.e. meaning no one can touch them etc. Similar conversations that you have when you talk to your children about if anyone outside the home touches them they should tell Mommy or Daddy. I was a tomboy all thru up until mid high school - I can tell you now that I am all girl, but I was pretty boy looking and acting much of my youth. Some are just a phase in time and then when we get a bit older start ot develop our own person, identity, clothing etc. She might not have had a female who had an interest in those girly things. I grew up on a block full of boys, the closest girl was about a mile from my house. I had a very beautiful and sexy mom, but that side of me didn't develop, as I said, until much later.