Advice for Grandma

nope, you have to be quiet until asked for ideas. They will automatically resent whatever you suggest......don't you hate teenhood? !!

They are VERY lucky to have you. However, they probably won't realize it and tell you how grateful they are until they are in their 30's.

I don't have advice - I'd be like you and want to say things and it sounds like you are saying things in a nice way but - they are the parents and they know everything...ugh...

I hope someone here will have something more helpful to say. I just wanted to at least tell you that you are a great Grandma.

Although you are not wording it as if you are telling them what to do, you really are. You are giving them unsolicited parenting advice and any parent I know (regardless of age) does not like that...PERIOD. I would suggest that you stop immediately. You making these suggestions is probably not just a bit irritating but also may make them feel like you don't think they are good parents. I am sure you don't mean to but that is probably what they see/feel.

The best advice I can give is wait until they ask for you advice or help. I always hated when my mom said things to me no matter how kind she said it, it made me feel inadequate. Every mom has to find her own way with her baby and although your intentions are good, I think they are obviously not being well received. Being a first time parent is scary, and exciting at the same time. It is wonderful of you to let them live with you but you will drive them away if you don't let them have their own space.

Seriously, you have to mind your own business and only give advice when they specifically ask for some. New parents suffer esteem issues because they really dont know what they are doing yet and for some silly reason they dont like to ask for help because they dont want anyone to think they dont know what they are doing. Just smile and walk out of the room when you get the feeling that you need to say something.... it will save your relationship.

Being a grandma can be challenging. One of the challenges is to keep one's mouth shut. It would be SO much better if they took our advice and treated us as if we knew something! But it doesn't work that way. The general rule of thumb is, "Don't give advice at all... unless specifically asked."

That's going to be doubly hard for you since your granddaughter lives in your home. But you need to do it. In fact, if Mama happens to come to you and says (for instance), "I can't understand why the baby is crying," you can answer with a question: "I can't, either; what are the possible reasons?"

Only when they ask. My mom gives me unsolicited advice and it really annoys me. I know she means well, but it's hard to hear, particularly when you're an exhausted new mom. They are very young, and so I'm sure you see a lot of things happen that you wish weren't, but unless it's something that REALLY needs taken care of (such as they are not feeding her at all or she's sitting in soiled diapers), then try to keep to yourself.

Unless they ask, or the baby is in danger, keep your opinions to yourself. Even if you word them like a suggestion they don't want advice on how to care for their baby. I know its hard, especially if the baby is crying, but these are all things parents must figure out on their own. ;)

The best thing you can do is let them figure it out on their own. Every parent has to learn by doing, and if they come to depend on you, they'll be less effective as parents.

Unless there's danger involved, or they specifically ask for help, just back off and let them deal with things, even if you'd do it differently or you can figure it out faster. You learned those things through experience - now THEY need the experience.

You are well intentioned, but they are young and think they know it all. We were all that way at 18! Just stop with any and all advice or suggestions. I know it can be hard when that precious baby is crying, so if you have to, get up and leave the room. Let your son know that you are there for them, and that you have raised kids before so if they would like to talk to you about anything you will always be there, and than let them stumble over their own feet for a while. Either they will get the hang of it or they will come to you, either way your good relationship to them will be in tacked.

Maybe lay off the advice for awhile.... reserve it for when it's something that really needs to be brought attention to. They will figure out the little things over time.

In the future, instead of giving hem advice in the moment, you can talk to them later. Just start a casual conversation, remembering to first tell them how proud you are of them for being such great parents... "I remember how difficult it was learning about babies as a young mother. Through trial and error, I learned a few little tricks that makes some things easier, is there anything you are struggling with, maybe we can work on figuring it out together?"

If they are not harming the baby, do not give advice. I know that you are well intentioned and excited to be a grandma, but they can and will figure out if the baby is ready for her bottle or that the baby does not want her bottle. They'd figure these things out if they lived on their own, and need to find their own way as parents, without someone instructing them. They may not do things your way, and maybe sometimes your way is right, but it is THEIR baby. If they want your advice, they will ask, "Why do you think she's still crying after we've fed her?" or "Can she possibly be hungry again, she ate less than two hours ago?" If they don't ask, they are not looking for advice.
Good luck and enjoy your role as grandma.

.

I was 35 years old when I had my daughter and I still couldn't stand it when my mother gave me advice I did not ask for. She made it worse by making me feel guilty for A) not following her advice and B) getting irritated. She would get all miffed and say, "Well, it's only a suggestion!" But the problem was, it never sounded like a suggestion, because she would say, "You should do ____." or "If I were you, I would ____." I know she meant well, but it still got under my skin. I don't like anyone giving me unsolicited advice - not my mother, not my husband, not anyone. And my mother was the type to say things like that she was entitled to her opinion, etc. but not realize that not everyone wants to hear it. It made me feel incapable of handling things myself.

Point being, you might feel like you are only trying to help and make life easier on them, but like everyone else on here, I would recommend not interfering. Unless the baby is in danger or being neglected in some way, or they actually ask you for help, don't butt in. Let them figure it out on their own. But I do like the idea of them taking some parenting classes if they are going to be living under your roof. As well as expecting them to do their own cooking and cleaning as well, and start contributing some money toward household expenses - money that can be saved up to help them move out on their own. They got themselves into the situation of being parents at their young ages and they need start taking responsibility for themselves.

Unfortunately, these are things they need to figure out on their own. I have a 16 month old and we had to figure out what he wanted. I understand you know things, but they really need to learn their baby. I know it's hard to watch someone struggle a little and have to learn, when you have information. However, so much of parenting is trial and error. Trial and error they have to figure out themselves. While they are parents, they are still teenagers. In general, suggesting something to a teenager, is like telling them. (in their minds.) They are under stress and sleep deprivation, so it will seem even more like you're telling them what to do. Obviously, if the babies needs are simply not being met, or the baby is in danger...speak up. For minor things, like figuring out whether the baby needs food or not...leave it up to the parents. They are young, but they are still parents. THEY need to adjust to their babies ques and respond.

As a granny myself, I'm with Grandma TM on this one. Of course you mean well, but the young parents would probably seek out your advice once in awhile if you didn't make so many suggestions. There's not much distinction in a recipient's mind between an uninvited suggestion and uninvited advice.

My grandson is going on 5, and I think I've made suggestions only half a dozen times in his life. Even so, I can tell that when I do, my daughter tenses up. But both my daughter and my son-in-law have voluntarily asked me for advice a couple of dozen times when I kept my opinions to myself. The rest of the time, they do a pretty good job of figuring out how to solve parenting problems. They just need a little time to work with it.

Sucks seeing the bigger picture doesn't it?

I suggest you let them learn on their own though. They won't be able to learn those problem solving skills they need to soothe the baby themselves.

I was thirty when I had my daughter and I still didn't appreciate my mother (or mother-in-law) hovering when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my daughter. I was hardly inexperienced with babies, but it is just what moms do.

She was "careful" just the way you feel like you are being with "do you think" or "maybe this or that"...we can see through that and it still feels critical and judgmental when you are all overwhelmed by hormones and lack of sleep and this little mutant that is screaming all the time...lol.

The minute that she backed off a bit, I was more open in asking for help.

I admire you for keeping a roof over their head and assisting in whatever way you can. A better approach might be..."if you need a break, I'll be in a kitchen" and walk away.

While I agree that they are SO young, it doesn't exclude them from being capable parents. It would be great for them to take a parenting class...if you could find a great one for them. You might also help her find a mother's group in the area where she can learn by example.

Oh dear.
Are they at least changing her poopy diapers often enough?
I read all the answers that recommend that you back off.
I don't think I could back off.
The mom is a child.
&$**(T&$&!
Are they living with you for financial reasons?
Do you provide their food, diapers, baby supplies?
Does the mom feel "trapped"?
Has your relationship with your son been comfortable up to now?
Wow.
Sending good thoughts,
S.

Well I think its the age they are at. Not so much that your the grandma. I know I did the same thing with my mom when I was a teenager. I didnt have my kids until my 30's.

I would say just wait for them to ask. If she has the baby's bottle in and she's crying, just wait until Mom looks and asks what you think otherwise just hold your tongue. Of course you can offer to help in any way you want. I mean you can offer to give the baby a bottle and give mom a break. Help is always great! Because they are so young they might have an even stronger need to prove they can do this especially mommy. My MIL has five kids and is like super mom/nana. When I had my first she was there for me but she never made any suggestions unless I asked. One time when my son was around 9 months old and sick she tried to get in the mix with what she thought I should do and that is the only time we have ever clashed. I just didn't agree with he suggestion and I am my son's mom. She backed off and we have a great relationship, I call her all the time:) So my vote is say nothing unless asked and just offer to do things for the baby when you can. I mean obviously you have done so much already and I hope they show you gratitude for that but just offering to change a diaper is so great when you are a tired mom and will probably make her more open to ask you your thoughts at some point. Good luck!!

V., how great of you to be open-minded and listen, and be willing to change. Your son and his gf are lucky to have you.

they're so lucky to have you as a mom & mom-in-law & as a grandma, please know that part first and foremost! :) what a tough job you have now - geez! i would give anything for my mom to be here to give me unsolicited advice...but when she was still alive, what i loathed the most about our relationship was when she would say, "do you think such and such?" i wasn't quoting you, i'm quoting my mom! lol. :)
anyway, i'm 30 yo and parenting is still hard for me every single day, but it's gotta be so much harder on your kiddos, so i understand why you wanna help. you ARE helping though by just being there & providing for them, in whatever way you are (food, shelter, emotional support, etc.) I do think that unless your sweet baby granddtr's being neglected or abused, then i wouldn't say anything. :( i'm sorry and i'm sure that's gotta be so hard b/c you probably do know how to soothe the baby or other things they need. but just like when your son was growing up he had to learn certain things on his own, too. probably not what you wanted to hear, but that's why i prefaced it the way i did. i miss my mom every second of every day, but i do not miss her wording her suggestions like that! :) I'm saying that w/a smile & sending lots of hugs to you in h-town. sure hope you don't take offense to it at all, okay? you hang in there & you're a strong woman to have all those kiddos w/you! :)

becky :)

Why not just have a quick sit down with the two of them and let them know that you can see how irritated that they are getting with your well meaning suggestions....offer instead to be happy to help with suggestions when they ask. This way, you're letting them know that your happy to help with ideas, but understand they need to figure it out on their own too. This quick discussion might be just the thing to help ease the tension and let them know you are trying to be understanding to the circumstances. It will also help open up those lines of communication. You'll probably be shocked at how much you'll all be able to air your "small" differences with something so simple. Also, let them know if there is anything bothering anyone at all (both you and them) everyone should feel totally ok with approaching things head on so it doesn't fester and blow up. You guys have a unique situation and because you're all in such close proximity to one another, the lines get blurred so easily. Please be careful in making the mistake that you need to help "parent" this little one. Its hard for Grandmas to let the mom and dad do things their way, but you really just have to...unless there are obvious safety or health issues. I've seen so many well meaning Grandmas (my own mom included with my own siblings) who were so busy trying to do everything for their grandchild that the actual parents stopped doing things because "why bother, its not gonna be the 'right' thing anyway".....then the Grandmas end up angry that they seem to be doing it all. So try to squelch it before it even gets started. If you let them know you're there if they need it but will back off until then...you'll probably find they'll come to you for advice more often.

Good luck to you Grandma...I know its hard when everything they do (or don't do) is right there in your face every day....But just keep in mind that you raised a good son and he's got a great example of parenting to work with.

I think it's really wonderful that you are able to see the situation differently based on the advice everyone gave. I just wanted to put out there that when we had our first son I was 27 and nearly done with a PhD (so in other words you would think that I would be "mature" enough to handle a little advice from my MIL who mostly means well). But, the truth is everything said seemed to critical when I was unsolicited. It's funny because looking back she was clearly right about a few things, but I felt so insecure as a new mom that I just wanted anyone to tell me I was doing something right! I think this new baby is so lucky to have you in her life (and so are her parents...they just might not realize it yet!)

Hi V.. I too am a grandma and have learned that if I walk away and let them deal with it themselves is in everyones best interest. If they want my advice they will ask for it. This is extremely difficult for me but I force myself to do it. I also have my divorced daughter and 9 year old grandaughter living with me. NOT easy even at her age. I see things that can really bother me but I have to walk away. I have told my grandaughter that if she needs to talk or vent I am always available and it will be kept between she and I. You are a long way off for that but you will need to let them work things out for themselves. They will eventually ask for your advice and or help. Good luck and hang in there grandma.

L.

Oh my Grandma, you are in a sticky situation. Been there, done that! A few things I've learned, unsolicited advice equals criticism. It tells the other person, you can't live your life without my help. Even though you aren't "telling" them what to do, they are smart enough to recognize your questions as veiled attempts to let them know they aren't doing it right. You and I may have much more experience with babies, but unless we're asked, we have to leave it alone. This is their child, and they have to be able to make their own mistakes, if not they will never develop the intuition and awareness of their child they will need to raise this baby. Trust me, when they are maxed out and don't have a clue what to do next, they will come to you, til then leave it alone. Its not easy, but you love them, and want them to be successful parents, so love them enough to walk away and let them learn. It's not easy, and I'm not always good at leaving it alone, but I try.

Besides, I'm over 50 and still bristle a little bit when my Mom tries to tell me what to do. lol

Good luck and congratulations on the new Grandbaby.

Awww. You are in a tough spot. I'm thinking that no matter how kindly you offer your input, they are going to feel that you are criticizing or telling them how to raise their child. They won't truly understand how blessed they are to have you until they (and the baby) are much older. As hard as it is, you'll probably have to try to hold back (and let them make mistakes) as much as you can in order to keep some peace. *HUGS*

instead of saying she doesnt want the bottle right now say is she teething. at that age they have to ask well how do I know if shes teething? :) all 18 yr olds are too old to be told what to do. I have 3 over that age. but I also have a 2 yr old so I went through this with them and thier little brother. as far as your son getting huffy he will get over it. its not the first time hes been huffy with you and wont be the last. my 21 yr old still gets huffy like I am telling him what to do.

another thing i did with my adult children in teaching them to deal with a baby is if he was crying and i knew why i would ask them why is he crying? they would answer he is not hungry and not dirty I am not sure. i would respond is it his teeth? and taught them how to check. if so this is the cure tylenol and teething tablets.

or i would ask is he hungry or tired. my boys still have trouble figuring out why he is so whiny. they give him food and he doesnt eat it and he is behind on his speech and I go get some balogna and he eats it their response is we just tried to feed him and he didnt eat. :) (he didnt like what they were eating) how did mom know that? they are still making mistakes with their brother but they are not endangering him they are learning at the same time how to deal with their own kids. if he whines all day I ask well did you give him a nap? they answer no and I put him to sleep. :) they are not hurting him but still trying to figure out his cues.

I have also seen kids at work in this age bracket get huffy everytime they are told what to do. I think its an age thing. I think you are doing it right asking not telling but remember they know everything and are 'ADULTS' in thier eyes and know better than you.and you have also spent your whole life telling your son what to do. my son couldnt have told it better when I was advising against something one time and he said mom I have to make my own mistakes. :) but he is right. tell them it is ok to make thier own mistakes but not with a baby. also pick your battles wisely. if they are coddling the baby when it gets hurt and you know what that causes as well as I do let them do it just tell them you will regret that later :0. if its not hurting the baby keep quiet. instead of telling them the baby needs a bottle go fix it and give it to the baby. pick your battles and words carefully. if its not hurting the baby leave it be. you know what hurts them as well as I do and realize not everything is going to hurt them. save the arguments for when the baby is in danger.

It sounds like you are trying to help! As a mom who's been through it, you have lots of good experience....but, every mom needs to do things/learn things herself. My advice would be to help build their self confidence as parents, by acknowledging and pointing out what they do well with their baby. "you did a good job calming baby down earlier today" or "you are really getting good at figuring out your baby's cues". The more they feel you believe in them, the more they will come to you for help. I don't like to ask for help from someone who acts as though I don't know what I am doing(even if I don't)...and I am 31!

I recently spent a day with my grandma (who can be difficult on a good day!) & my 2 yr old (when she did not get a full nap). At the end of the day, I was completely shocked to realize that she had not once told, suggested, or recommeded that I do anything different! She let me be the mom and left it at that, and I was so grateful for it!

It really sounds like you are doing eveything you can to help this young family succeed. What a wonderful grandma!! :)

Be patient. It can be hard. You've certainly done this before and know what you're talking about, but they're not endangering the baby, and they don't come with handbooks.

I remember with my oldest I pushed my mom away a lot because I wanted to be able to try to figure out what my son wanted and needed. It hurt my mom's feelings, and that wasn't the intent.

I do think, however, it would be wise to purchase them a gift - the Baby Owner's Manuel. It's very funny, and might be able to help them a little.

Let them come to you if they have questions re: parenting otherwise keep quiet.
Make sure that you DO praise them for what they are doing that is beneficial for their baby and do it often. NO ONE wants to be made to feel like they are a bad parent. If they need your help they will ask for it. Otherwise, sit back and let them figure it out. It will give them self esteem and make you proud of them when they do. They are adults, now.
Grandma, enjoy your grandbaby and just being grandma.

Good luck!

They may feel like you're being critical even if you're being really nice about it...like you don't think they can figure it out on their own. I think unless the baby is in danger, don't suggest anything. Sometimes the best teacher is experience, even if you have someone there to advise you. If you want to say anything, just offer to help. "Do you want me to take the baby?" or "Can I help you out there?"
And then just keep loving them and the baby like you are. They are super lucky to have you there, and maybe someday they'll realize it. ;o)
L.

It is quite different when two capable adults have a baby and work at parenting. It is something else when you are dealing with two teens struggling to accept parenthood in place of being a teen. The good news is that they have taken responsibility for the child. However, they are not equipped to handle parenting and do need guidance. Parenting does not come naturally, especially in the complicated world we live in today. While you may equate the defensive feelings any mother has when given "advise", you cannot compare that to a teen response to being told what to do. Guiding them to parenting classes would be the best thing to do because then as they learn, they can accept your concerns and your help.

Gma, I would insist your son and his young girlfriend mother take a parenting class together as a condition of living under your roof. Babies as you know do not come with a manual and an 18 or 19 yr old parent likely has no idea how to comfort and nurture a little baby. IT does not come natrually for some parents. Babies need lots of love and attention at that age and for many more years after and often you have to tyr 3-4 things to help the baby if they are upset as you know, like changing diapers, feeding , burping, or just cuddling and holding them to comfort themt. Please insist on this class Gma, you might even call a local hospital and see when they are offered then give them the information and meeting times.. You sound like a wonderful, caring person and these teen parents will need all of the help and guidance they can get to be good parents since they have so much stacked against them. When the GF gets upset with you for giving advice tell her you have been around the block with babies a few more times and only want what is best for the baby. For Chrismas I would get them some books on parenting and childrearing too, they will need it. With Blessings to you and the little one