Dealing with Unsolicited Advice

I'm pretty good at just responding with something noncommital like, "hmmmm...thats interesting" or "hmmm....thats something to think about".

Here's how I deal with unsolicited advice. Smile. Thank the advisor for his/her input. Then go do what you intended to do all along, unless the unsolicited advice happens to be what you'd consider GOOD advice, in which case, treat it as a little gift from heaven. If it's rudeness masquerading as advice, I simply tell the person in question that I don't need their help.

You can often tell whether unsolicited advice is motivated by kindness or judgment. The kind variety is all about the giver's good intentions toward you. Even if what is said is not useful to you, it is well-meant. The judgmental kind is the giver's attempt to make him/herself feel better about him/herself. It's not really about you at all.

My go to move whenever I'm getting unsolicited advice is to say, "I'll take that into consideration". That usually ends that topic of conversation without either of us feeling slighted.

I'm not sensitive to anyone's advice or opinion. That doesn't mean I want to hear it, though. In turn, I try to keep my advice and opinions to myself unless asked.

I don't suppose you can give an example? I have a hard time nailing down most people's idea of unsolicited advice.

Some just define it as advice the person doesn't want which gets into mind reading and last I checked no one can read minds.....

Please? :)

One of my favorite sayings is "Unsolicited advice is implied criticism." I've contemplated having that one cross-stitched on a pillow for my MIL. And my mother. :)

That being said, I usually just nod and smile if it's coming from someone I don't know very well. I do take it more personally if it's coming from family members in relation to my kids, primarily because there isn't anyone in either side of our families whose track record I respect that much when it comes to childrearing. Also, this is the issue that is the most important to me and on which I feel I have the least secure footing, again because I don't feel I have a great example to follow.

I agree Beenthere.

As for your mama, L. T., I so wish I could have my mama and daddy back on earth to give me some of their advice (however its deemed).

I think its inhumane to know something and not share it if a person needs it. I love advice as it is usually a good friendship builder.

You can't let it bother you.

Really.

My mom gives me unsolicited advice all the time. It's actually more a matter of her giving her opinion. No biggie. I don't always agree with her opinions.
My mom just turned 70 and she has become very opinionated about certain things. I don't always agree with her opinions. I don't necessarily take her advice.

I've always been a pretty bluntly honest person so I don't get offended if she is being bluntly honest with me. We communicate, we have conversations, I don't always agree with her and I don't argue with her either. I take no offense and to me, there's nothing to argue over.

We actually agree on a lot of things. I just have to take into consideration that she's getting older, she's pretty set in her ways,

I love my mother. We talk almost every day. I'd rather hear her "unsolicited" advice and opinions than not hear from her at all. I won't always have her.

She's also quite wise and very funny. The little annoyances, in retrospect, aren't that big of a deal to me.

What's the saying?

Opinions are like @$$holes. Everybody has one.

You don't have to take it personally.

Just MY opinion.

I don't mind unsolicited advice. Sometimes it is of use and sometimes it's not. I appreciate that someone cared enough to take the time to give it. I have learned a few things from it, things I just hadn't thought to ask. In the example you gave with the travel advice you can just give your own advice back "You know what mom, travelocity actually gives you a better rate than calling direct to the hotel. You should try it next time."

Nobody had directly TOLD me I was a queen of unsolicited advice but there may have been some eye rolling! I am like your mom. All information is good. The receiver should have a built in filter called a brain!

If someone hasn't asked me for advice but I have some advice to give then I ask them if they want it before I offer it.

"I know you're venting, and you didn't ask, but I have a suggestion on how to deal with that if you're interested. If you just wanted to vent that's okay too. I don't want to overstep."

Sometimes the person says, "Thank you, that's okay, I know how I'm going to handle it," but sometimes they'll say, "I'd love to hear what you think."

There ARE times when I feel something is important enough to offer unsolicitedly such as in a matter of safety. When I found out that a good friend was being emotionally and verbally abused by her boyfriend and he had begun physically abusing her, I had no problem speaking up and saying, "I know you didn't ask for my opinion but you don't need to tolerate that from anyone. When you decide to dump him I'll be here to support that decision." Or seeing a mom in a grocery store allowing her child to stand in a grocery cart basket, and I say something every time because when my nephew was only 3 years old the cart flipped over on top of him and he was hurt pretty badly and had to go to the ER.

When I receive unsolicited advice, I listen politely. I take what I can use, and toss the rest. I always, always say, "Thank you for looking out for me. I appreciate it." If it's someone I know then I change the subject to something more neutral when it's advice I have no intention on following. But a lot of times, there's actually some good advice in there.

The problem is with taking unsolicited advice as criticism of yourself. It's not. It's mostly intended as showing care. Take it as it's intended.

I just ignore it.

Unsolicited advice, can vary, depending on the person's tone or attitude about it, toward... the person they are giving unsolicited advice to.
Then again, some people just SEEM like they are giving unsolicited advice, when they are actually just chatting and are opinionated types.
Or, some people give unsolicited advice, and it is actually "insulting" that other person.

Everyone has a right to their opinion... unless, their opinion/unsolicited advice... is "bully" like or derogatory.

It is up to the "receiver" to handle themselves and either speak up or just ignore it.

And, some people are just dense and clueless about themselves. Thus, they don't even know... they are being meddling or cramping someone else's life... by giving their "opinion."

And, some people don't even know the difference, between their "opinion" or them giving "advice."

The reason your mom said that people can never get enough advice is because she IS the queen of giving advice. Why don't you give her some of her own medicine? When she's in the middle of giving you advice, turn it around and start giving it to her?

Who knows. She might actually like it. If she doesn't, just say to her "I thought you said that people can never get too much advise. Don't you want to hear my advice to you?"

You might just get your point across by applying reverse psychology.

Dawn

This is so annoying, but most people who give unsolicited advice really think they are bringing something to your attention that you just NEED to know.
It does depend on the topic of the unsolicited advice and who it's coming from. Some people urk me more than others. My mom is not so much one to do this, but I have an aunt...who once went so far as to tell a woman that she did not know, that she should cut her sons hair because he looked like a girl. My first thought was, "Who the hell asked you?" In some cases, I am not opposed to replying the same to unsolicited advice or directly pointing out, "I didn't ask for your advice!"

You hate to respond in such a negative way, but sometimes you just need to shut them down and even this doesn't work with some of them. Some people just feel like they don't have boundaries.

Well when I get unsolicited advice that doesn't work for me, I just don't worry about it, most of the time. However this policy did cause me problems with a family member bc she got ticked that I never took her advice, she stopped talking to me and told my MIL that this made her mad. So, go figure, I still do the same thing of not taking advice not applicable but with particularly forceful folks, I gently tell them how it is. Ex. For my son's bday I invited a friend, her response was 'ok, here's what we'll do...' I said, 'no, it's his bday, I have the plans just how he wants them, can't wait to see you!' Voila!

It doesn't really bother me. A lot of times, people give the advice because whatever it is, worked out spectacularly well for them. I think about some of the things I've started doing just in the past few months (some menu planning ideas, a few different ideas for helping my kids with their school work, some household management type stuff, and even some business marketing ideas)... thank goodness good friends opened their mouths and tried to help me out - because they DID help me out! Their way was better than mine, and now their way is my way. :)

If I think someone's advice is completely insane, I'll say something noncommittal, like "Oh, that's so interesting. How did that work out for you?" and leave it at that! If they keep pushing their crazy idea, I'll say, "Well, I'll be sure to try it and let you know how it works out" and then just never try it. Whatever, the next time they bring it up, I can pretend it's the first time I've heard it. Or I can see them coming and run the other way. Whatever.

When my children were little, everybody else knew how to raise them (everybody but me, apparently). My doctor was wonderful; he said, "Listen to what people say, thank them politely, and then call me and I'll tell you what's what." I can't count the number of times I did just that.

You probably can't change your mom or any other advice-giver. If you can just smile and be non-committal, it may work. Sometimes you can re-direct the person's thoughts by asking them questions: "That's interesting - what was the best deal you ever found by calling a hotel?" "That's interesting - did you do that with your children?" or some such thing. People enjoy talking about themselves.

I don't have too much trouble dealing with such things unless the person is rude about it. Then my supersensitivity rares up and goes into action!

I dismiss unsolicited advice almost always. I never give advice unless asked, or unless I can see I could really help someone who wouldn't mind it, and I can say it in a non-offensive way. Like they say, "I just don't know how to find an affordable way to get my kids some language lessons" and I say, "OMG! I just saw on FB that Rosetta Stone is having a $100 off Valentine's sale on kid's language classes-I don't know if they're good, but check it out" type thing. But never a "You know you should blah blah blah" on random parenting etc. when they haven't asked.

I dismiss useless unsolicited advice so fast it rarely phases me other than taking a mental note that the person is sort of a know-it-all if they are obnoxious and clueless about it. If they're just trying to be helpful, I don't mind it. But again, I don't listen if I don't need help with the topic. And therefore, I know no one listens to me, so I don't "try" to give them advice :) HOWEVER, if I DO need advice, I DO ASK a thoughtfully picked advisers, and I DO listen. And if I do hear good random advice, sometimes I take it. So it depends.

My best friend hates advice. It drives her absolutely batty. Coincidentally, I just LOVE to give it! I think it's sort of on the shoulders of both sides. I have to be observant enough to notice when she's had enough (body language, tone, etc.), and she has to be patient enough to let me speak my mind without getting on the defensive all the time. Usually we do a great job of it. I have to make efforts to keep my mouth shut, and she does her absolute best to take what she wants and leave the rest.

My Mom taught me to accept advice from strangers, even if I have no intention of implementing what they are advising. I do that well, with strangers.

With people who care about me, I resist the hell out of advice. I have the thickest skull ever. If you see a better way for me I'll do my best to prove you wrong. In the end, you'll probably be right, but I'll have learned it the hard way. Every time.

I take people's opinions with a grain of salt. If they say " call the hotel its cheaper", I say -thanks for letting me know and smile. Just because they say something that I already know, doesn't mean that I have to take it on and argue with them. By validating their suggestion but not agreeing to it, diffuses the situation. If they were to say "you better do this or else your not smart about $" then I would deal differently. I would say :" are you paying for my vacation? If not, your opinion doesn't matter!"

With your mom, you can just tell her thanks for letting me know or for your opinion. Don't elaborate or she will say more. Good luck!

I guess it really depends on the giver and receiver of the advice.

I'd happily tell my sister "yes, DEFINITELY buy that sweater - it looks GREAT!" but I'd never say "I wouldn't eat that bowl of ice-cream, if I were you, looks like you've put on a couple of pounds." Both are "advice", but one of them would SERIOUSLY piss her off.

I'd tell a new mom "I had one of those baby carriers and used to vacuum while she slept on my chest - it was awesome, you should get one!" but I'd never tell a new mom "You know, you should definitely breastfeed, because if you don't breastfeed, your child will be less intelligent". Again, advice both times, but one is really preachy and judgy (and downright wrong).

If you KNOW the receiver will react negatively and there's nothing to be gained by them hearing the advice, then it's best to keep that advice to yourself. If they'll react badly, but it's something they HAVE to hear, then it becomes a bit tricky. It becomes a case by case situation.

Whenever I get unsolicited advice that I don't agree with, I say "Great point. I'll have to think about that." or something else noncommittal like that. If it's good unsolicited advice, I will profusely thank that person and let them know how it all turned out (shout out to my friend who to advised me to join that tennis league - best advice ever - I'm loving it, THANKS!)

being a new mom i feel like i am the queen of getting unsolicited advice lol.. most of the time i just let it go in one ear and out the other.. but yes there are times when its just too much.. if its someone im close with and what theyre saying is just rediculous or they are trying to push for what theyre saying as right and i should do it that way i cant seem to keep my mouth shut... 2 examples for you- 1 my mom sometimes has a tendency of answering questions when im asking fiance something about the baby.. last night she ate her cereal&baby food later than normal so i asked if he thought i should still give her the extra ounce in her bedtime bottle that i normally do.. he didnt even start to talk and my mom was like no thats too much.. i just said mom im not trying to be a b*tch but i wasnt asking you, i think we can figure this out ourselves .. example2- last time fiances mom was here visiting my daughter started fussing and crying.. i was like ill go get her a bottle.. MIL says shes not hungry shes just bored.. i said no shes hungry she hasnt eaten in like 4 hours believe me shes hungry... mil says i dont think so.. well i got the bottle and my daughter gulped that thing down in a matter of minutes!.. so i didnt really need to say anything i just did what i thought was right.. and i was

The responsibility for deciding when enough is enough lies with BOTH parties, in a healthy, respectful conversation.

The giver should be kind enough to pay attention to body language and verbal cues, because that is what happens in conversation. But...

The receipient should be willing to place boundaries and graciously stop the giver when it gets to the point where the advice is no longer appreciated, because the advice giver isn't a mind reader and perhaps the recipient's verbal cues and body language aren't obvious enough.

It's when expectations are placed upon the other party and we get into thinking traps that there is a problem. Thinking traps like "They should know this bothers me," or "If she didn't like it, she would say something." or "he could tell I didn't like him saying that...I was SO obvious!" These imply that the other party is a mind-reader or should be.

We have to take responsibility for our part in the conversation...which includes active listening skills.