Advice from Family Members to First-time Mom

Hang in there. It really is frustrating especially when it's bad advice.Just do what I did and say "well the book says":)Also, tell her what she is doing wrong!It will eventually drive her crazy and she will keep her opinion to herself. Good luck and keep up the good work!

There is nothing like becoming a parent and discovering all the things we dislike about those around us! I don't know what it is, but as soon as my children were born, my dearest friends became idiots (I'm exaggerating). I just couldn't believe the way my friends and family parented. You really discover how different (or similar) you are to those in your life. My very closest friend became a slave to her son's sleep schedule. I later discovered that some people need to do that. I was very lucky to have a daughter who would sleep anywhere and was very portable. But I got miffed when my friend would have to leave somewhere at 6:00 to get her baby to sleep. What I discovered was that we had a perfectly lovely time together without the children, but it was very stressful with them! The bad news is that you do have to bite your tongue a lot of the time (as with your sister). The good news is that you outgrow the need. You may never agree with your sister's parenting style (or other people's), but you will get used to it. And you can have the satisfaction of knowing that your's is superior! What this does though is make you think more about who you'd like to be your children's guardians (at least it did for me). My brother and sister are closer to one another than they are to me, HOWEVER, my brother and his wife asked my husband and me to be their children's guardians. Being a mom really makes you see those in your life differently; from how they feed, sleep, dress and discipline their children. Try to see some good in your sister's parenting style. Unsolicited advice is annoying, but you might want her advice someday. Who knows? She may want your's as well. Best of luck.

G S,

You've gotten some really good advice and I think this is something all Mom's go through. We were the first to bring grandchildren to both sides and although our boys are loved to death - sometimes it's so hard. I have a pretty open relationship with my mom and she rarely offers suggestions or if she does, she words them very carefully. With my in-laws, my tounge was bloody from all the biting in the beginning. Now, I'm much more vocal about the unsolicted advice. I'm not rude, but I just use some of the suggestions that others have mentioned, "Hmmmm." "That's great that it works so well for you, we've had success this way." My MIL has become a thorn in my side since having children and with her I'm much more direct. "No, we like it this way." or "Why would we do it like that when it's working for us like this." or "Well, he must be eating enough - he's still alive, isn't he?" My husband has actually shouted at her because of all the "advice". Her repeated suggestions have made it stressful to be around at times - which is sad because I know she ADORES our boys.

I think you have to come to a point, and it took me a little bit to get there, where you are confident in your mothering skills. I know I'm a good Mom. I'm confident about it and I know that my husband is a good Dad. We work together on our choices (like you and your DH do) and we are in agreement 99% of the time. Our 2 1/2 year old is very active and strong willed, but he absolutely doesn't run our household. My Mom had commented that we "run a tight ship" and at first I thought it was to criticise me, but she said it was meant as a compliment. We run a tight ship, but we're very affectionate, loving and respectful to one another. I'm sure we're making our fair share of mistakes, but we all will.

Be confident and proud of your choices. You seem to research your options, discuss them and weigh out the pro's and con's. Keep it up and you will be happy with the child(ren) you raise.

Congrats to you on the new baby. :)

I have a similar situation with my SIL, but fortunately, she doesn't offer me advice, and I do not offer her advice either unless she asks or it is part of another discussion. We both acknowledge that we have differing philosophies on parenting (TV in the bedrooms, for example, and sleep routines in general).

I think this is one of those situations where you need to tell your family that you're happy with the way things are going with your family, that you've done a lot of thinking, reading, and discussing with your husband, and that you'll ask for opinions if you'd like them. Acknowledge that you agree to disagree on some points and politely remind them that their unsolicited opinions and advice should be kept to themselves. But also, don't let them get to you. Just pat yourself on the back that you're doing it better :)

G S,

It is such a hard place to be in, being a first time mom. You really sound like you have your head on straight, and are gathering lots of professional advice to make the right choices for your daughter. The fact is, one method is not right for each family and for each child.

Here's what I do, and I don't necessarily recommend it, since I am a bit passive/aggressive, it's just my way...

When I get advice from somebody on how I do something different from them, I come back with 'isn't it amazing how babies are different and while one thing works for one, it doesn't for another?' - or if they comment on something they are doing (i.e., discipline area works best for this comment) I say 'really???? how's that working for you?'.

On the other hand, keeping your mouth shut is always an option if you can't find a tactful way to nip it in the bud. When i find myself in that place, I will call a good friend and just vent :) I know it's not a very christian way to behave to bicker about somebody behind their back, but I really try to follow the rule of 'don't say anything about somebody you can't say to their face'.

Some people have very strong feelings on certain parenting issues, I find this especially true when it comes to breastfeeding/formula. I had a friend who made it sound like I was poisoning my kid because i was formula feeding (nevermind the medication I was taking for post partum depression (darn near psychosis for me...)passes into breastmilk and is unsafe). I too use a 'generic' brand - the fact is, the FDA regulates the manufacture of baby formulas - they must all be made to a minimum level of nutritional quality. I don't think it's safe to drink unpasteurized milk, but people who live close to the source, do it... to each their own ;-)

Anyway, I think you're doing the best you can... arming yourself with lots of information, making informed choices... it certainly can be tiring dealing with those who are a bit more ignorant on certain subjects when you've worked hard to do your research. I am not saying 'ignorant' in a deragatory way - people mean well, and I try to assume positive intent when people give unsolicited advice...

Plus, I dont like to hear it when people pull this card on me,... but, your hormones are still playing a role in your body. I know that I have never been the same... it seems once you become a parent, your whole mentality changes :) we're not born the strong 'mama bear' that could walk thru flames to save your child in a fire... EVERYTHING changes :)

Good luck to you, and rest assured that you're doing just fine... even if you don't know what to do in a certain situation... sometimes it's more important to know what NOT to do :)

Congrats on your new daughter - God Bless

I don't know about what other people think, but it sounds to me like you're an awesome mother. Your sister on the other hand, sounds terrible.

I waited until I was 37 to have kids and both of my younger sisters already had there kids. They seem to have the same parenting skills as your sister does, and I see first hand with my sisters how wrong that is.

You and your husband should both be proud of what you've achieved already (sleeping through the night at 9 weeks is wonderful!!) and stand resolute in your parenting plans. Maybe your sister's problem is that she knows you're a better parent and she's jealous?

If it makes you feel any better, I have a feeling this will even out once her next child is born. When she begins to get into her annoying, preachy mode all you'll have to do is remind her or how quickly and efficiently your daughter met milestones (sleeping through the night, eating solid food, switching from bottles to sippy cups, ect...).

Keep up the good work, your way is right because it's your daughter and you can see the positive results even at this early stage due to your hard work at the beginning.

I LOVE unsolicited advice from people who think they can do it better. We waited a few years into marriage to have kids (I was 31 when my son was born) and we watched to see what other people did and how it turned out. We researched, we discussed and bottom line, we parented the way we saw fit.

We've also receive compliments on how well our son is doing (now 21 months). But I felt like I was in defense of my decisions as a mother all along the way. Bottom line, you're the mom. You make the decisions. End of story.

My fav is when my mom would put a lotion or neosporin on my son without asking me first. I finally yelled at her...I mean, YELLED at her and told her if she ever did something like that again, she would no longer be allowed to care for him without supervision. It was harsh, but it got my point across. (Thankfully it wasn't anything that did harm, but still!!)

You're obviously doing a wonderful job and should be very proud. Don't let other's unnecessary comments derail your efforts.

Sounds like you are doing a great job & what's best for YOUR family. I finally learned not to make even the slightest reference or comment about parenting or family issues in front of certain family members or else I would end up with unsolicited and usually unwanted advice. Seriously, if I were to say that my daughter seemed like she were cutting a tooth, I was opening up a can of worms! Good luck!

I have an older sister (who has 3 kids) and I just had my first last year. Personally, I think when they see us doing things differently than them it makes them question their own parenting decisions. So they have to make us feel bad about our decisions, judge us and rationalize why their way was better. I agree that neither way is right or wrong -- it should be whatever works for your family. I also get the feeling that there's a bit of a competition thing going on. That she sees me acting diffently with my son than she did with her kids -- and maybe it irks her a bit. To be honest, unfortunately, my relationship with my sister (which was great before I had my son) is a little strained at this point. But I think she has learned not to say anything and if she does, I have learned to keep my mouth shut. Just remember, this is your baby -- not hers, and have the confidence that the decisions you are making are well informed and right for your family.

First, good for you for doing your homework, and you are right everyone has a different approach which they feel works best for them. A lot of parenting is learning by application, which I believe is why so many people are prone to giving so much advise to new moms, and it is usually given as the "only way". When I recieved this advice I learned to simply let them know what I have been doing and why it works best for us. Sometimes the advice is helpful, but not all of it is going to work for your family or even your child...it gets harder to figure out as the babies get bigger. The advice gradually slowed down after a few months, and now I rarely get any advice, unless I ask specifically for it. I have a lot of friends who gave me advice, which I didn't want or need and based on my belief of their parenting skills I was not about to listen to, however the trick is not telling them that I think that I wouldn't take it because I disagreed with their choices as parents. It's hard to simply smile and say thank you, and do it your own way (especially when you're still hormonal, as it takes about a year for your hormone levels to reorganize), but parenting styles are such sensitive issues that it can really start a big fight if you go there. Hang in there it will stop soon! and Congratulations on your daughter

First of all, congratulations! Your daughter sounds lovely and you are doing a great job!

This will be hard for you, but ignore your sister's parenting comments. I don't understand how she could "push" you to feed your baby cereal before you thought she was ready. That boggles my mind. Maybe you do need to be more assertive with her. Say things like, "Thanks for the suggestions."; "I'll take that under advisement."; "I was just venting." and "Hmmm..." are all good responses to all of her suggestions. Doesn't mean you have to do what she says or explain yourself.

Really, you don't owe her or anyone else any type of explanation about how you choose to parent.

Just wait till you have a 4 year old, then you can judge her. I am not saying I agree with her or you, I am more in the middle. I do not let my babies cry it out to soothe themselves to sleep. And I do not let my kids drink soda at all (nor myself - it's garbage) However, there is a saying that goes, "Do not judge another until you walk in his/her shoes." So, that being said, your baby is ONLY 5 months. At 5 months they don't have the ability to fight you or be defiant or anything else. They are just cute and you feed, change and feed them again. There is not much to it. 4 year olds require a million times more discipline-wise and everything else. Please don't be so quick to judge her and more importantly, DO NOT TAKE HER ADVICE TO HEART. Who cares what she says? Every mom seems to have advice for new moms. That's just the way it goes! I remember what you're going through all too well. You eventually learn to ignore what everyone else says and does and just do what works for you. Who cares what they think or say?! Good luck with her and future advice.