Advice on 15 Month Old Daughter Who Is Having Fits of Anger.

this is all very normal. My son started hitting around 18 months and he does hit the cat when he gets mad. Ok here is the way you handle her. when she hits put her in a safe place and let her go for it. babies hit becasue that is the way they express themselves. For my son he sits in time out and when he stops crying and clam then he can come out. trust me it works wonders. tell her in a deep stern voice she is not to hit and keep her hands to herself. she will get the jist eventually but it takes time and love. My son I poped on the hand when he hit me to show him how it feels but that does not work for everyone. good luck

Hi S. ... my daughter Cameron is almost two ... and at 15 months I had no idea if "time out" would work, but it did. My husband and I had to be a united front on this, because it would take several tries to get her to understand. She will cry, she will scream, she will throw a fit ... but you and your husband are the boss and are her ultimate security blanket.

She is getting to an age where she will test and test and test ... Cameron is now starting to get even more excited when she starts acting up, so you have to get it under control now. We started with a warning ... then if she continued we asked her if she needed to go to "time out" ... she couldn't talk that much, but she did have a reaction in her face ... and finally when she did it again, we walked her over to the corner (ours is actually a wall in our foyer where she can't see either television or the activities going on in our living room or dining room, and we stood next to her .. when she would try to turn or walk away we would tell her to face the wall (each time getting a little more stern in our voice (she has to know clearly what is expected of her). We would have her stand there for a minute (one min per year of her age)... then we would walk her over to her chair (her favorite place to sit) and tell her how much we love her and what she did wrong that made this "time out" occur.

Simple instructions and explanations (they don't "get it" if you talk and talk and talk). We would kiss her again and tell her how much we love her ... and then whatever she hit or did to the dog or us, she would have to go and apologize to the dog or us. Little one like that don't understand empathy, so they are very passionate.

It also helps to teach her the "sign" for sorry ... and the "sign" for please and thank you ... it gives them a sense of responsibility.

One last thing ... have her stand and not sit when you do time out ... it's a little more uncomfortable so that they stay focused on what you want them to do ... and stand with them so that they know you are serious and that you will stop what you are doing in order to take care of this. I hope this helps ... I am 38 and a mother of two little girls Cameron (age 2 - Cancer) and Samantha who is 4 months old ... I was that little Aries growing up and the teachers I appreciated most were the ones that were strong! Be that teacher ... your daughter will thank you for it in the long run ...

My daughter is about to go to daycare at the YMCA one day a week ... they are treated like preschoolers, and they are only with kids that are the same age as them, in groups of 7 ... this guideline for time out I have described is also what they use ... I actually had to have my daughter have a time out at a clothing store the other day ... she thought that just because we weren't at home that there wouldn't be a wall to stand at ... she will never act up like that again. All the mommies in the store "got it" and understood. I was surprised at my strength to be willing to be embarrassed ... I thought of it this way ... "I didn't have to yell, and I don't spake my child" -- and we ended up with some tears and I great "Sary" (sorry) and a hug. She still loves me and I adore her and her spirit. You can do this ... you are a great mother ... don't give up!!!

Your best option is to remove her from the situation and put her somewhere she cant get hurt like a pack and play or something along those lines put it were she cant see the tv and is out of the room you are in the most. But once you use it for discipline you cant use it otherwise. Its like time out but that way she cant get out and hit you or the dog. The whole point of time out is to give her some time to cool off before you explain to her what was wrong whit what she did. Then when you take her out after about a minute or if she still acts out let her calm down then talk to her tell her why she cant do that or try to help her solve the problem if it is a toy that wasn’t working for her or something. I think it is normal to have some of these issues at that age bc even though she is probably talking she cant get out everything she feels. Make sure that you teach her how to say something is making her angry or mad. They have books about emotions or you could just say this is making me so mad when something isn’t working instead of yelling at it or whatever.

Well, in training for my job in daycare, we're advised to keep it simple, especially when talking to children this age. Instead of a mom-length lecture, keep it to: "Nice hands!" Not what we all as moms do: "I don't like that you're doing that. You're hurting mommy..blah, blah, blah..." That's what ALL kids under 3 or 4 hear anyway, is the blah, blah, blah. They're too young for empathy, since they are at the self-centered phase.

However, you need to BE CONSISTENT. Every single time she does it, whether she is mad or just doing it for a reaction, you do the same thing.
1. Stay calm. Don't lose control yourself.
2. Put her in time out. Do NOT talk to her or give her any attention even if she's slamming herself into the wall or kicking the floor or whatever.
3. When she's calmer tell her: "Nice hands, please."
4. Get her used to apologizing even if she can't talk. Walk her over to whomever she hit and give her the words: "I'm sorry I hit you."

If she won't stay in time out, which is very likely at her age, confine her to her crib or playpen for a few minutes. All the things you've tried haven't worked because you aren't consistent. She's doing it to see just how you'll react this time around. As she gets older, yes, she will likely learn how to control herself, but we have to start the process of what's acceptable and what is not early on, especially with our wonderfully temperamental-type children. And since you described her as smart (as well as the fact she's a girl, and they tend to notice social things faster), you'll have to lay down the law early on, so you're not teaching her well, sometimes mommy will give it attention and sometimes mommy won't. Those kids that pay attention and notice things learn how to get around you as the years go by. I know--I have one just like that, only a boy. Good luck! :)

Oh the joys. Its normal. You are probably reinforcing this behavior without even knowing it. When she slaps you, I bet she gets a reaction. Be it exhasparated sigh, an over excited "don't do that" or ... I am not going to say ignore it and it will go away. When she slaps you, take her hand and hold it firmly away from you for 3 seconds and say "hitting is not nice" or "we don't hit" in a very calm voice. You do not want to make a game of it. Just keep doing it. Without the reinforcement, she will stop. As for the dog, same thing. It sounds like when she has not gotten a reaction from you she has gone after him. Take her hand, or hold her gently but firmly by the shoulder, look her in the eyes (even if she is turning that pretty little head) and say, we do not hit the dog. Remember, no smiling, no emotion whatsoever. Do Not show her you are irritated. Kids this age are not cognitively aware that what they are doing is wrong, she is not trying to be bad (that will come when they are able to conceptualize better, believe me the strong willed behaviors are fun, yeah right, at about 24 months) At this age they are learning from their environment. You react in anyway that is amusing to them, they will repeat the behavior to get the attention. You ignore them for a few minutes to talk to someone on the phone or cook dinner (how dare you) they will react in a way to get your attention in whatever way works. Her slapping works. Try this for a time and see if the behavior goes away.

Have fun :) It will get easier

Hi S.! I can totally relate to your dilemma. I kind of chuckled when I read this b/c we went through the same thing with our daughter around that age. I would constantly ask myself what am I doing wrong or what happened to our happy sweet girl? I can assure you this is really just a phase. You have to figure she really isn't very capable of sorting out feelings and frustrations at this time so that's probably some of what you are seeing! Of course hitting is never appropriate and maybe you should try a time out. She can scream and cry in time out all she wants but can't get out until she is calm. I am not a huge fan of hitting either especially at that age b/c they learn from us to hit! Definitely reward her with lots of praise and attention when she is being good. Sometimes I would let my daughter scream and cry and just ignore her! It worked b/c she was looking for some sort of reaction and she had to learn that wasn't the way to do it. I don't know that she needs to seek therapy or anything especially at her age. For us time out has been the best thing. I didn't think it would work at such a young age but it does! According to her age is how long she should be in time out. Kids go through so many phases. My baby is going to be 3 soon and I still go through some of this stuff! I wish you guys lots of luck and patience and you will get through it!

A child her age is looking for boundaries, and pushing to see how far you will allow her to go. Somehow you are going to have to let her know your expectations, and then have a time out if she is not obedient or take a favorite toy away (you decide what will let her know there are consequences for actions). This will be a hard thing to do, because it will take strength that you don't think you have. Of course, at the same time you need to let her know that you love her. Maybe other mothers will have more suggestions that will help. This is going to be a stuggle, but the result will be worth it in the long run.

Children mock their parents. You need to analyze you and your husbands behavior in front of your little one. Even if you are not arguing about each other, it could be issues concerning world peace, famine etc. But they pickup on EVERY emotion. I have learned this with my daughter who is now 15. And I have seen it with my step granddaughter who is 4. Anger is a learned behavior. I am not saying you and your husband are to blame, I am just suggesting. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and perhaps this will pass. But remember every conversation you have in front of her.., she hears. It sounds like you are good parents, but when parents are anxious with anxiety it will paass to your baby. Good luck, it will be fine.

I wish I was writing to say that I have some great advice but I am really just offering support that I am going through the same thing. My 16 month old is doing the same types of things: hitting me, pinching her big sister, screaming when she does not get her way. I do not remember my oldest having problems of this severity. One big difference I see in my two girls is that my older one had excellent speech at this age and we could communicate well. My youngest one says a few words but not many. I see her fits as frustration when I am not understanding as well as ways to get attention. I have tried coming down to her level, talking quietly to her, and letting her know that mommy wants to help her but that I will not do it when she acts that way. Usually that calms her and she will start pointing or grunting to what she wants. My hope is that she will learn the calm way is the way to get things faster. If it is something she cannot have or do then I explain that to her also. If she still pitches a fit then I walk away. I have just started this but I feel like things are a little better. Like I said, I don't have a great answer but know I understand how you feel!

I would first rule out that it's not a medical issue. My son (19 months) has some medical issues that we're still trying to figure out. One week he was basically intolerable. I think he's allegic to milk, so I gave him soy milk. His behavior got worse and not better. He had fits of rage about normal routines such as taking a bath or sitting down for dinner. I knew this wasn't his normal behavior. Sometimes kids who have degrees of Autism also experience bad tantrums.

If it's not medical or diet related than I would evaluate what's going on in your home. Is it a calm environment or is there stress?

Talk to your doctor and tell him or her what's going on and see if they have any suggestions.

Someone mentioned in a message that you should put your child in the crib if she acts up. I've done this before but I read that it's not good to do that. The child starts to make the association with punishment and the crib and then they don't want to sleep there anymore.

My daughter went through the same phase of hitting and throwing things. At 21.5 months, we're *mostly* through it, at least for today! I tried to be very calm and consistent with her, saying "Hitting is not acceptable" or something like that.

What really made it hit home for her was when she threw a stone and hit the 6 year old neighbor girl in the head. I was right there, just had no idea she was going to throw it and couldn't stop it in time. She wasn't even angry - she just threw it because she could! Of course the neighbor girl cried. I had my daughter stand there and look at her crying, explained that *she* had done that by throwing the stone and that doing that was very bad. She saw me comfort the other girl and realized that the other girl did not want to play with her since she'd been mean. That really has an effect on her, unfortunately at the expense of the neighbor. We also talked about later in the day and reinforced the experience.

Another simple thing that worked when she went through the phase of hitting me in the face was to simply say, "Hitting is not nice. I don't want to play with you when you hit" and then walk away. She *hates* it when I walk away from her and pretend to ignore her so that really worked for us.

I also tried holding onto her hands to prevent her from hitting but that just made her angrier. She's never been much of a biter, probably because we cured that while breast feeding. I'm working on teaching her to take deep breaths to calm down but we're a long way from mastering that yet. I do try to get down to her level and figure out why she's so angry. I think if she realizes I understand her that helps a lot because then there's not the added frustration of not being able to communicate. Baby sign language has been an absolute blessing too.

It is just a phase. Hopefully one of the things people have shared will work for you and your daughter. Good Luck. This too shall pass (and you'll be on to the next challenge! lol)

Wow...I feel like your message was copied and pasted from one of mine that I wrote a few months ago. My child was exactly like this. Right about 15 months also. But realisticly, she's always been much more temperamental then most other babies. At least the ones that I know. It's so hard to compare, but you can't help it. Kaylie started hitting her head on the ground at about 15 months. She has always been a time-out child and that works for us, but during this time she wouldn't stay in time out when I'd put her there. She started acting out by throwing food (which is a big no no in my house) and hitting the cat. I found out she had double ear infections. I had no idea and it had gone on for a long time
By then we started her on several antibiotics and nothing worked. We ended up getting tubes after dealing with this for almost 4 months. It was horrible. We'd go to Gymboree and she would scream and throw herself on the ground kicking and punching. I remember one time I broke down and started crying in the middle of her class. I guess the loud noise and chaotic atmosphere was too much for her. I have a different child now. She still has her moments, but she's now almost 21 months and can communicate. I would recommend getting her ears checked.
If it's not that then she's just in a phase that will pass. I think being consistent and finding the best way to discipline will really help.
I wish you the best with this. I know how frustrating it is!
~J.

Dr. Burton White who wrote The First Three Years of Life advises that we should never ignore aggressive behavior and temper tantrums. Amiya is in the stage he calls Phase VI from 14 months to 24 months and her behavior fits with this phase. I do recommend his book. He advises persistence in responding to these undesirable behaviors by taking her out of the room and holding her firmly, but gently, telling her "No, we don't do that." Do this every time and be persistent. No abstract discussions, just a simple "We don't do that."
B. Bedingfield
Suncoast Waldorf School
Palm Harbor, Florida

Is your daughter able to communicate very much yet? She may be trying to tell you something and doesn't know how, so she gets mad. You might find that teaching her some basic signs will help - they helped us tremendously and they're known to reduce tantrums (i.e. if they can tell you what they need, no reason to get upset).

You might also explore if there are things she is angry about in general. If something's changed recently in her world, a different routine or a favorite person is suddenly less available, that can be very upsetting even if it seems (to our adult eyes) insignificant.

BTW I agree with the previous post who said never leave a toddler just because they're having a tantrum. IMHO I think it shows them you won't support/love them through all their feelings.