Advice on Baby's Name

My first daughter, born from a man we no longer know, has my last name, so that her and I would have the same last names should there ever be a legal question. It is easier in the end, but who's to say that a last name can't make a great middle name, the spanish do it all the time and so do he Chinese.

Personal choice here... I would NOT put his name with your child. It takes a real man, not a big kid to earn the right to have his last name. It has NOTHING to do with child support. The fathers last name only needs to be on the birth certificate under the section marked for FATHER. The child should not have his last name. Make sure that you take care of yourself and I hope that things work out for you. But I wouldn't use his last name at all. If he has a problem with it then tell him how you feel; how you thought he would be there and he hasn't been. You can always change the last name later if you want too, but for now, use your own.
C.

I have heard a lot of Moms giving there child 2 last names for instance Lisa-first Marie-middle and then your last name then his or vise virsa lisa marie camel anderson,just thought i would share the thought.

may God Bless you and yours.
C.

My best friend and my sister in law both chose to hyphenate the babies last name so both yours and the babies fathers last name was in its name however they both also chose for there children to have the 2nd name practically "silent" when they went to school and when they talk about there child....this way the name is there however only when they want it to be, kinda like the fathers...lol :o)

My son has both of our last names. Women Hyphenate their name when they get married so we did it when our child was born. I have an 11 year-old whose name is different than mine and I have to show proof to the schools that I'm his mother. I did not want to encounter this problem with the schools and doctors again so the baby has daddy's name - Mommy's name. Just when you do get married keep your name. I like my name so I'm happy to keep it. The child can decide what name to go by when they get older since they have both names they are both legal. If dad doesn't play an active roll the child can chose to use just yours and it will still be a legal name, but it can be the childs choice when they mature.

I agree with Tracy C and Mom B, and everyone else that said give the baby YOUR name, and not hyphenate. Like Tracy said, the biological father's name will always be on the birth certificate. It's ulimately your choice to include this "father" in your baby's life, but if he's not in it for the long hall, the tough stuff, the important stuff, the financial support, he should not put his name on the stuff, you should. If there's someone who wants to marry you, and truly be that baby's daddy, through good times and bad, give the baby his name.

Congrats and best wishes.. Could you maybe give the baby the dads last name as a middle name or hyphenate it with your last name. I say give the baby the dad's last name regardless of how much or little he took care of you!!!

It all depends on if you will be seeking child support payment help from him. If that is the fact, his name must be listed. I would do some research and find out what you need to do legally and think about years from now. It's not your fault or your childs fault that Daddy may not be involved like you want. Think long and hard about it but try not to stress though . . you need to keep a clear heart and mind for your health! Good luck to you!

L.
If you are the provider then give your baby your last name. It makes insurance easier, schools, day cares etc....if you marry someone in the future and this man is truly absent then you can hyphenate your name and still share a name with your child and not worry about this being something that drives him away. he needs to man up and be there no matter what the child is called. Trust me there are so many conveniences for your child having your name, if you really want to give the baby something of "his" then maybe use the guys middle name as the baby's middle name, that way if he disappears in the future you don't hate his first name or associate it with "him" if he sticks around and is a supportive parent in all ways that matter then he shares his middle name.
Sorry you are struggling here, sounds like you and your baby deserve better.
Best wises
E.
nursery times day care

It makes likfe so much easier to have the same name as your child. Social Security number, school records, doctor treatments, etc. If you have different last names you will have to repeatedly prove to everyone you are the child's mother. You will be questioned at every turn of your and your child's life. It's just not worth it. Let him be the one that has to prove he's the child's father if he decides he want to be involved. After all, it sounds like it's just a name to him. Good luck with delivery and whatever you decide to do. S.

Hi L.
I would suggest a first name, your last name as the middle name and the father's last name. That way, your last name is in there and the baby will share a last name with his/her siblings.
A good friend of mine is pregnant and while she is with the father, they are not married and don't intend to marry. This is how they are going to handle their baby's name.
Good luck!!!

Growing up I had a different last name that my mom and I hated it. My mom divorced my dad when I was 2 and took her maiden name back. He would not let her change my last name. After your baby is named you will have to have the father's permision to change anything if he is named as the father on the birth certificate. I myself am not legally married and I gave my son my last name for that reason.
Best of luck!

Could one of the last names be a middle name? Best of luck in making this decision!

If the father's name is on the birth certificate as the father, it won't matter what the baby's last name is. When you baby is going to school you will be called "Mrs. Baby's Last Name" by most of the people at the school. This just tends to happen, other students only know your childs last name and are generally taught to call you by that same name out of respect. So if the dad is only going to be around for the amusement park days and not the school days, save yourself a lot of explaining and give the child your last name. When the dad does show up at school, he can go by your name.

I was in a similar situation with my son's father as he really wanted him to have his last name. Well I chose to give him my last name and I am so glad I did. He has not been an active part of his life in any way since a little after his birth. That decision made it a lot easier because I wasn't always explaining to everyone, and I think he may feel a lot more confident having the same last name as his mother which is the number one caretaker whether the father plays a role or not. I had problems when he father was insuring him just because of the last name difference between myself and his father so I could just imagine the headache if it was between mother and child. I would definetly have your child keep your last name.. I hope you make the best decision for you and your soon to be new born. Good luck :)

I'm married, and I gave my daughter my maiden name as a middle name. I'm really glad that I did that! Perhaps you can give either last name as a middle name...just a suggestion.

Best wishes to you and your little one.

I read all the advice given so far (very good thoughts and wisdom), and am proud that we as women are THERE for each other, isn't that just so typical of us??!! So there's your answer, use "your" last name. If the dad wanted any responsibilty he would have stepped up to the plate and married you or made his wishes known legally. Don't make it easy for him, make it easy for you. You have a long road ahead and altho I wouldn't hide the fact that he's the dad, I would give the message that he just wants to be a part timer in the child's life. Not knowing you or the dad personally, makes it easy for an outsider to make this decision. You have to search your heart as to what you will be comfortable with. How about letting him read all the advise given thus far..I'd be curious if it affects him at all to read how women see men that cop out on responsibility.

L.... I've been in your situation. Not to long ago either. My daughter will be three next month.
I've read the responses that you have recieved and ultimately it is up to you.
Here's my two cents and what I did. I did give my daughter my last name. It came down the fact that I knew I would always be the constant in her life. Not to mention the legality of it all -- there are workable roadblocks if you do give the father's last name... but they are hoops that you have to jump through.
I had this idea before, and honestly for too long after my daughter was born that maybe my ex would come around and we would eventually work things out and become a happy family. It didn't happen. I'm not saying things won't work out for you.... but your child will have to deal with and there are plenty of things to explain. All --which can be done successfully. I do feel strongly you should give the baby your last name.
There is something to the suggestions of maybe having the fathers name as a middle name. I am not a fan of the four + names for people, sometimes it works... mostly not so much -- especially in computers, it picks a point and drops the rest.

I hope this helps, please update and let us know what you decided and how all came out. If you need someone to bounce things off of, or just a friendly place who knows what it's like to be there, contact me.

Congrats on the baby -- it really will be the love of your life -- enjoy all the moments, even the last few days before you become an 'us'. : ) I wish you the very best!!

Straight to the point - I would give your baby YOUR last name. period.

Im so sorry you are going through this. I think that you should have babies first name, middle name, your last name and his last name or incorporate your last name as middle name. I wish you the very best and hope this helps you! Take care and good luck!
K. D

You know...we had planned on our daughter having my boyfriend's last name all through the pregnancy and then after she was born, I literally had a meltdown and was freaking out over not passing on my last name. My sister and I and another female cousin are the only one's to pass on my father's family name, and it was suddenly really hard for me because i felt like my daughter really needed to have his name included in hers...i felt like this was it, no more my last name. we ended up deciding to hyphenate her last name, and sometimes i feel silly for giving her such a long name, but at the same time im happy because i know that my last name isnt done. :) hope it helps.

It's my opinion that giving a child's name is a privilidge given only to a REAL father. One who is going to love you as well as your child, and will be a regular dependant part of his/her life. I personally would NEVER give my child a different last name than mine. If he doesn't think enough of you to marry you and be a stable force in your life as well as that of your child's he has not earned that privilidge. If something like not giving the child his last name would push him farther away - then he was never a dedicated parent anyway. I would do some reading on the effects of a 'in and out' parent - especially one who is a 'big kid' themselves on a child's development. It sounds like he's not really fit to be involved at all - a father should be just that, a father. Not a favorite uncle...
That is of course just my opinion, do with it what you will.

When my daughter was born her father and I hyphenated her last name- sometimes I'm sorry that I included his because his involvement has been less than stellar, but it does provide a bond for her with his extended family and she does have a relationship with them. Just remember- YOU get to make this decision and you shouldn't leave yourself out of the last name. But don't feel guilty if you just use your name- it sounds like this is going to be your child to raise.

First of all, why all the fuss over the name? YOU are the mother, YOU are the one who will be taking care of your baby full time, YOU are the one who will do all of the day to day care, YOU will wipe the tears, YOU will change the diapers, YOU will take care of everything, so if you want the baby to have your last name, I say do it. I would.

If something as minor as the child's last name will effect the father's relationship with the child, then there wouldn't have been much of one in the first place. Your child will still get to be siblings with his other children, so what if the last name is different? It will make things easier on you and right now, that is what matters.

As for others saying that if you get married you will have a different name than your baby, that isn't true. No where does it say that when you get married a woman HAS to change her name and no where does it say that if you get married that your new husband couldn't take your last name. Better yet, no where does it say that you have to be married.

If you feel that the father deserves some sort of distinction, although it doesn't really sound like he does, then I would give your child his last name as a middle name.

Hi L.,

Speaking from experience, you will want your child to have your last name. It makes life so much easier during school, sports, dance, gymnastics, etc. if your child has the same last name as you. Even in today's society when it's the "norm" to come from broken homes, it creates confusion to have different last names. When I remarried, we ended up legally changing my daughter's last name to match ours and now there's no questions and no confusion. I personally hated having to explain my personal life everytime our last names came up.

Good luck to you!
J.

Personally, I think the baby should share your last name. You are the one that is going to raise it and put her/him through school and your child deserves to share your name. I like the idea of having the hyphenated last names as a second choice, but I think giving it his name is just not fair to you or the family you are going to be with your new baby. You both deserve to share that, especially if he is going to be out of the picture. I wished I would have done it and I just followed along with what everyone else does, and I do regret it now.

L.,

What about your last name as his/her middle name, and the father's name as the child's last name. It could be the best of both worlds...

My husband has a child from his first marriage, the child was born before they got married. My husband didn't know at the time of the birth that she didn't put his name on the birth certificate and the son that he had never ended up having his last name legally even though they later got married. It always has cause identity problems with his son. Even if the father might not end up in the picture, maybe the rest of his family will and having his last name might give your child something else to identify them with. Good luck!

I think you are romantizing a connection with the other kids that doesn't have to impact your child. You certainly don't owe the father anything. You owe only that baby. The name is the last concern. Those other people may or may not be available to you and your baby as family in some way. Only you know you will be around for the baby. Find a support system in your own family or friends and don't count on the siblings of the daddy to be brothers and sisters. Too many variables to count on. Count on yourself. Forget about the love of your life in the future or now. YOU have a priority of taking care of you so that you can take care of the baby in a healthy enviroment, emotionally and mentally and physically.
Give the baby YOUR name. What if you find the love of your life in 5 years? You marry. Do you want to have you and your boy both glide into a new name? That would be easier. If the man is suitable as a father. Then your son could be adopted by him and their is no baby's daddy remnant name to be concerned about.
My 2 cents.
Jyllhyll

I went through the same thing a long time ago. I gave my daughter her fathers last name and for years I have felt that I made the wrong choice. I felt that I had my dads last name (granted my parents were married) she should have her dads last name. If I could turn back time I would have given her my last name. Not that it really matters now. I am married and have three children with my husband and my daughters father finally grew up and is a wonderful father to her. So in the end it worked out fine. But for years I had to deal with us having different last names and the issues that arise with that. I would suggest giving your baby your last name. Good luck.

Congrats on your baby...so exciting! A friend of mine was in in a very similar situation recently as you are in. She decided to give the child the dad's last name, but was told by several people that if you give the child the dad's last name, you may have to show the child's birth certificate to prove that you are the child's mother since you and the child do not share the same last name. I would opt to use his last name as a middle name, but give the child your last name--it makes things easier. Also, say that you give the child his last name and decide later on down the line that you want to change the child's last name for whatever reason, you have to get the dad's permission to do so and it has to be done legally. That's something to think about.

Just my 2 cents,

MC

I know of someone who gave both of her boys her maiden name as a middle name and then used their father's last name, as their last name. That sounds so confusing, here would be an example...If your name is L. Smith you could do John Smith Doe for the baby's name.
I hope you can come to a decision that you feel happy with. Good Luck!