"Advice on Ex's New Girlfriend"

you didn't say what this woman is doing for you not to like her? Is she abusive? Does she use drugs? With some background on this maybe I could help you with some advice. Good luck!

First let me tell you that I'm giving advice from the opposite perspective...I was the girlfriend, now wife and stepmother.

My situation began on difficult terms, but we have all progressed to a point that we have put our own emotions and feelings on the backburner and try to ALWAYS PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST.

I too arrived on the scene when my stepdaughter was an infant, and she has lived with my husband and I since we have lived together. I know this situation was difficult for her mom and she didn't want me to try to be her daughter's mother, but I never would or could. The turning point in our situation was when I had my first child almost 7 years ago. My daughter was a baby and didn't know who was who. She looked at my stepdaughter's mom as another adult parental figure and would hug her and crawl up on her lap whenever she would come over to pick up her daughter. Over time they have developed a relationship where my duaghter calls her "Mom" too, just like my stepdaughter does with me. It helped her realize that you can develop a relationship with a child as a parental figure, but still never take the place of the true parent.

We now often function as one family unit, attending school functions together and having joint birthday parties. While the ex and I don't go out to lunch or anything, we come together for the children (often not waiting for my husband to facilitate things) so the children will grow up feeling supported and loved without tension and conflict getting in the way. It's not always easy and things aren't perfect, but we try and that's what matters.

I don't know what kind of person you are truely dealing with in your ex husband's new girlfriend (we're not all vultures), and I realize that my situation is not for everyone. The important thing to keep in mind is that, because you are separated from your husband, there will always likely be another woman in your children's lives. What you need to do is make the best of the situation for their sake. As long as she is not harming them or being disrespectful, you should try to work with her to make this the best situation possible for your kids.

What's amazing to me is that I thought I was alone. LOL I am going through almost the same thing. I can't stand to think about my daughter ever having to see this "vulture" that my soon to be ex has made his girlfriend. We split up early December when I found out that he cheated on me with his 21 year old co-worker. He's going to be 29 this year. I kicked him out as soon as I found out. Since then, he has been seeing this vulture (who knew full well that he was married with a 17 month old) and has made it no secret that she is his girlfriend. What I really have more of a problem with is the fact that my soon to be ex is a pathalogical lier. He has and continues to lie about every single little thing. So of course I don't trust him. Add that to a 21 year old who doesn't have any kids and I completely hate the fact that I have to send my daugher to stay with him at all. I've told him that I don't think he should have his girlfriend around Samantha for the time being. I mentioned that for his daughter's sake he should wait until things are actually serious with them before having her around the vulture. Whether or not he's doing this, I doubt it. I very much so doubt it. What gets me though all of this is the thought that he is the scum of the earth and that this girl won't be lasting long. She's going to get the same treatment that I've gotten the last 4 years of my life. Lied to and cheated on. But I'm the one who's got the best thing, my daughter. Samantha knows that I am mommy and I know that even if this vulture is a permanent fixture in his life (which I really doubt) that as time goes by Samantha will see her for what she really is, and will also see her father for what he really is. She won't need any help from me to see this and I don't want her to resent me so I will do my best in the future to not say one unkind word about either of them in her presence.
I totally understand where you are coming from. Because I am currently going through it too, I can only pass on the advise that I'm being given. There's nothing you can do about who or what he sees. Just have faith in yourself and your children. Kids definately are a long stronger and smarter than we give them credit for. Do whatever you can to bite your tongue when you're about to say something not so nice about either of them. I've been told that your kids will appreciate this. (I know, it's hard right??) Just remember, you don't want to do or say anything that might make them resent you in the future. If you bash their father or his vulture now, it could prevent them from having an actual relationship with him in the future. No child should have to deal with that. Like it or not, he's in their lives for good. We should both just be thankful that their father's want them in their lives. :)
Any time you want to vent about things, just let me know. It sometime helps to just vent to a 3rd party just to get it out and let it go.

Margaret,

The first thing you have to do for yourself and your boys is let go of the anger. The second thing is to try to step outside of the situation and look at how your boys are responding to the recent events in their lives. Is the "Vulture" girlfriend loving and kind to them? If so then be grateful that they have another positive influence in their lives. Counsleing and time help to heal the wounds. The most important thing that you can strive for is to some how develope a positive relationship with your ex. You will be in each other's lives for a long time and the damage to the boys will come if they see you continually at odds with each other. Good luck.
Be thankful that you can still be a stay at home mom. My ex managed to get the courts to send me back to work...

We have no control over others & their actions...we only have control over ourselves. As hard as this may sound, you can only make choices in your own behavior.

I'm with you where the "vulture" girlfriend is concerned. I'm living it & my children are older. Kids really do learn on their own & we have to let go & let them do such, albeit on their own time schedule/comfort level.

My advice to you is to make a decision as to how & when the kids see their dad. Take charge of what you have control over. Focus on YOUR relationship with your children...be consistent. My youngest, my only daughter, is probably the one that is the clearest on what a witch the girlfriend is & has also been in counseling for almost 6 yrs. My older 2, both boys, see it but had to see it on their own. Show the kids, YOUR kids (not hers...remember that because they will too) that YOU'RE their mom complete with all the love. Many told me years ago, "they'll see what's what, you need to be patient", as I was pulling my hair out, right...? 1 of my sons was in a REALLY bad auto accident & this vulture acted like SHE was the mom. Back off, back up & know your place, is basically what I said. The ex is a noodle & didn't step in...spineless. Again, my kids see what's what BUT, every child NEEDS BOTH parents......warts & all :-)...and we need to give them that much.

Remember, the best revenge is to live well. To this day, this woman smolders when I'm around because, guess what..? I'M THE MOM, I HAVE THE HISTORY & she can't do a damn thing about it! :-) The smile is on my face, I look way better than she does, I know who I am & it makes her nuts. THEY'RE the ones that are insecure or they wouldn't act the way they do...always keep that under your hat. People can't have us unless we LET them. Don't give up your own power....know who you are & watch them squirm. Good luck!

Hi Margaret,

I have been in what I assume is a similar situation. As someone else stated, you didn't really tell us exactly what is bothering you.

I hope you can take this in, I say it lovingly. A few things you said raised flags for me. "he was already dating within a couple months. Needless to say, all this happened against my wishes," and "Clearly my ex-husband has no integrity (why else would he have created this whole nightmare if he did?),"

When your husband started dating...it doesn't sound healthy to me that you would care. It sounds painful, and that you are still enmeshed.

The only concern I feel any divorced/ separated mom should have is how are the kids being affected/treated. I could care less if my wasband dated a rabid she goat. The song, "I see your true colors shining through..." plays in my head.

He's doing all he can to be the best him he can be. Whether that meets my exacting standards or not, is just not my job any more.

I'm saying this out of concern for you. I realized I needed people to see him as bad so I could be seen as good. It just kept me entangled. (And boy, I was really good at it!!)

Second quote...you just didn't give me enough information to see that it is "clearly" he has no integrity. Most people coming out of a marriage make some truly funky choices for "partners", and the statistics of these relationships lasting are truly grim. Him being needy and trying to fill the hole in your soul with someone that you don't approve of...well, I'm not seeing that as an integrity issue. I'm seeing it as men are a whole lot more lost without women than women are without men issue.

But, again, there wasn't much to go on in your letter.
He didn't see parenting the same way you do, and may even be thinking he is doing something good for your child by giving him/her "another family."

This comes from living through hell. My wasband's first girlfriend, long term at least...and he did the same thing...he wasn't even out of the house, he was trying to find someone else. (And telling prospective women I was a lesbian and having an affair with a male friend...pick one!!)

Well, she was a challenge. She refused to meet me. She would cook things and get mad if the boys didn't like it enough. Say things like "There, I bet that's even better than what your momma makes."

Wasband's first son, other marriage, and family came out, and she made everyone miserable. I am close to this son and his S/O and my grand daughter, and had to walk through hades to spend any time with them. Ridiculous!!

She complained to wasband that I was getting too much child support. He tells me that. I happened to have just spoken with an attorney friend who told me I was getting a lot less than state minimum. I tell him and end up getting more. Bet she loved that!!

Thing is...my strategy was to just hold my head high. I kept my hand extended in friendship to her. I ignored her hostility. I supported the boys. I told them they needed out of there or any advocacy, say the word. I listened as they complained.

But, I stayed as out of it as I could. Anything I did say, I said as a friend to my wasband after he asked me what I thought. I never berated him for his choice, just said I had observed that he didn't look happy.

This strategy paid off. He dumped this woman, and from then on said anyone he dated had to get along with me. lol

The next girlfriend came a week after he had a mental breakdown. My youngest, especially, was seriously traumatized by his actions here.

The boys called me while at their dad's. Dad was walking around, talking, not making sense. I talk to him and he is making suicidal statements, saying he had hoarded medication and he was just going to take it all, etc.

I do what I can..call his doc, etc. Things stabilize. The boys are obviously shaken.

Next weekend, my youngest goes over, meets a perfect stranger who was introduced as "Here is your new mother. And guess what, you have two brothers and a sister now."

The poor kid came home and was shaking and crying non stop for days, weeks. He was having panic attacks, etc. Sleeping maybe an hour at a time at night.

I confront wasband and he calls me a killjoy and I'm just jealous and he thought it was funny.

Again, just held my head high, supported my son, got him some help and helped him see he was a sane person having a reaction to an insane situation. (He now wants to be a therapist.)

My philosophy is the boys need me as a support. I will always honor their father to them. I won't always condone his actions. But I tell them he is a good man with some serious issues and that seems to open the door for them to tell me about what is going on without fearing I will judge their dad.

Any time I have fallen into the huge temptation to trash their father, they close up.

I also go by the philosophy that whatever wasband wants to do with his life is now his choice. I went through a lot, including doing energy work to sever the cords between us.

I am my children's advocate. I'll step in when they are being hurt or compromised. But, I step in as little as possible. It's actually a bit rewarding to watch the mistakes and their consequences. I don't agree with many choices this man has made as far as parenting. I am very sure he doesn't agree with many of mine.

So, we do our best, and the results are our report card. The more you can step back and just let that happen, I think the better. Then your child will be making his own choices and there won't be conflict about how you feel. He won't be wondering later if it was his choice, or did you influence him.

You'll get to shine, be a support, be the person that helped your child get through to his/her own right decision. But, you also have a hard line of when you need to step in and be an advocate in a dangerous/abusive situation. My take on that is use that as sparingly as possible and really search to make sure it isn't your own agenda and pain talking.

sorry to be so long!!

P.

This is my first time posting on this site, so bear with me.....

I am in a VERY similair situation. My daughter's father left me when I found out I was pregnant. He started dating ( after cheating on me with her) a girl much younger( he is 28, she was 21, now 22). They dated my entire pregnancy and now my daughter is 5 months old and they are still together. He just started having the baby overnight on Friday nights. I said no girlfriend while our daughter is there...who knows if he listens. I have SUCH a hard time with the whole situation. I dont want anyone else to be my daughter's mother, or my immature ex ( with no integrity as well) and his kid-girlfriend having any negative influence on my daughter. I am slowly starting to realize that we cannot protect our kids from everything. People are always saying that kids are not stupid and they will see the person for who they really are. When I am having a hard time with the situation, i try to remind myself of that. Also, we all only have ONE mother, no one else can take our place. Our kids may have fun with this other person, but eventually all kids just want thier mommy!

I agree that kids should not be involved until they need to be. I have said when he is thinking about marriage, then lets bring her around my child. Other than that, there is no need. I have not started dating yet, but plan on not introducing my child until much later too.

I know this is not much advice, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I look forward to reading other replies as well. Just keep reminding yourself, you are thier mom, no one else. Your kids will see thier true colors in time. Just focus on your job...being thier mom :)

I think the hardest thing about this situation is that you have no true control over what your ex decides to do with the children when you are not there. I think that is scary for a mom.Whether it be that he has a GF or is just a plain idiot that is not something you can help at this point unless of course he is abusive or drinking excessively and putting the children in danger. At this point though it just sounds like you are afraid of the unknown and what if's.

I have found seeing a therapist to be the best way to work out very difficult issues like this. They help me gain perspective and control over my emotional reactions to things that upset me.

Dear Margaret,
you are doing the best for your children. I understand that you are upset about them having to spend time with a woman you obviously do not like. Unles you believe your children will be in danger, try not to worry about. I know it is not easy, because I went through a similar situation many years ago, but time will help. Also as a child I spent time with my father and his girlfriend, she is a good person and a great friend today, but has never been a mother figure for me. I had my own mother. What I am trying to say is do not underestimate your children, they know you are their mother and love them more than anything; do not let your anger at your ex or his girlfriend get in the way of this.
Hang in there, it will get easier.
C.

Sorry to hear people are being hateful, they need to get a life. Long story short, feel your feelings, but learn to deal with them too. The situation sucks, but there is nothing you can do about who he dates. Be your "high road" self (I mean that in the BEST way--a true complement)and down the line the people who REALLY matter--your kids--will appreaciate it.

First, I doubt you ex was confused at the time they got together, second only if she knew he was married and possible knew you then you can be angry. Other than that there isn't much you can say about the whole situation. Your husband and she are living together so it would be hard to avoid her spending any time with your children. Is she a bad person? Do your kids come home and tell you horrible things, do they come home with unusual bruises etc. These are the things to be concerned with. Also, does she understand that in taking your ex came taking along children. Do not assume that it does because my friend is in a constant fight with her son's father about his wife and the kids they have together. The wife tends to treat him differently if it suits her and tries to take my friends place. Thankfully he is eight so he understands who is mother is and who his father's wife is. If she is trying to do those things then I would have a talk with your ex calmly and civilly that if he cares for his children he will make other arrangements to see them if she is a bad influence. With that said, if she is not guilty of any wrong doing than you should still talk to your ex and let him know how you feel and try to come to some agreement so you can ease into the situation. Good luck and I hope everything works out no matter the situation.

I'd like to respond with yet another point of view. I am the daughter of a man who divorced my mom when I wasn't even 1 year old yet. He was cheating on my mom with a "vulture" who knew he had 5 kids at home, one an infant (me). I grew up living with my mom but going back and forth to my dad's and my new stepmother's house (they married very soon after the divorce). It is true that kids see and understand so much more than adults realize. I remember the thoughts I had when I was only 5 or 6. My mom never, ever trashed my dad, so we grew up believing he was so fantastic and fun (that must have killed my mom), and we developed a relationship with my stepmother, that actually continues to this day, and I am now 39. At some point, kids hear the history and decide for themselves who is right or wrong, who lives a moral life and who are the people with integrity and who to kind of get behind. My dad is an older man now, and he made so many more mistakes after that first one. We all see him exactly for who or what he is, but somehow our mother instilled a love of humanity that allows us to love him. And my relationship with my stepmother never became one where I went to her for anything, though I believe it's what she wanted. In the end, "justice" is that the kids grow up, and if you, their mom and everpresent teacher, show them integrity by living your life that way, they will learn it, and they will see things for themselves. Don't worry.

Hi Margaret, I know it's hard, but for the sake of your children you really do have to rise above your personal feelings and be the better person. You don't have to like her, or him for all that's worth, but you do have to always conduct yourself like a lady. Be polite, considerate, and respectful at all times. In otherwords...kill 'em with kindness. Don't discuss your personal feelings about either one of them when your children are in your home, as you know children have big ears and bad timming. Your ex might be a a nightmare, but they don't need to hear it from you (or any of your family) having their father in their life is far more important than you could ever believe. I am dealing with a 6 yr old right now that hasn't seen her own father in over 3 yrs. and she is really having a hard time with it...and is too young to understand or vocalize what is going on in her little head and heart. I know it might feel like you just can't deal with her...and certianly you can keep contact minimal. I think keeping your privet life seperate from your children until you decide to make the gentleman involved a permant part of your life is a wise decision. Hang in there, keep it simple and in the long run things will work out the way they are ment to! Good luck and best wishes!!

Hi Margaret, I am actually an "ex's girlfriend". WAIT! Keep reading, I'm on your side! My boyfriend has a wonderful 12 year old son, whom I have grown to adore. We also have a 7 month old daughter together. Have you met the new girlfriend? Do you know what she is like, what kind of a mother she is to her own kids, how she treats your kids, etc? I know you automatically want to hate her. I don't blame you! But maybe if you try to remove the "new girlfriend" title and see her as a female roll model (hopefully a good roll model) and deffinately not a mother figure, potential or otherwise it will be easier to deal with. The mother of my boyfriend's son has not even met me and seems to have absolutely no interest in doing so, which is fine with me, but as a new mother myself I just can't believe that she wouldn't want to know every person that has an influence on her son's life. I told my boyfriend in no uncertain terms that if we ever split up I would be meeting anyone that is would have any involvement in my daughter's life whether he liked or not! Maybe if you find out that she is a possitive influence on your kids it will help you accept the situation and if not as least she will know that you are not going to just sit back and let her mess up your kids. It will keep her on her toes! I hope this helps.

Good luck!
T.