My Exhusband Has Gotten Engaged

Don't sweat it. My parents got divorced when I was 3 and my father quickly remarried. My brothers and sisters resented him for it, and didn't like the woman too much. I didn't mind her too much because I didn't know better, but she in no way took my mother's place. Just continue to be loving and sweet and firm, and she'll be fine. Best of luck!

J. I have been on all sides of this issue. My dad has been remarried twice. So I have had count them two stepmoms. I am a stepmother to three great kids, and my own daughter has had stepmom as well. It can be very rough living in blended families for children. The main focus is to make it as easy as possible for your young child to adjust. It may hurt you but while your daughter is with her dad and his spouse the future step mom will be providing the role of another parent to her. That is something that you will have to reconcile within yourself, for the sake of your daughter. I know it is hard as a mom to see another woman caring for your child, but if they are getting married and are in for the long hall you and your child will be connected to her for at least the next 15 years. I agree the ex mother in laws statement could have been delivered in a more tactful way, but you can not let that bother you. No one will replace the bond you and your child have. But look at it as having one more person to care for and love your child one more person to be there for her. If all three of you can communicate openly and civily that is what would be best for your daughter. If that is not a possibility then for your little one's sake, in front of her you have to make it appear that everything is ok. You never want your child to feel caught in the middle or feel like they have to choose, that will just damage them emotionally. The very best advice I can give and is think of it all from your childs point of view, sometimes being a mom means forsaking your personal feelings and needs for the greatest benefit to your child.

you need to go into this situation with your positive foot forward. YES it will be difficult.
I am a kid of divorce (my Mom was maerried 3 times) & my kids are kids of divorce (I have 3 girls).

Remember NO MATTER WHAT you are her MOM. If you have developed a strong relationship with your daughter...no one will ever be able to take over or take away from who you are in your daughter's eyes & heart.

Two of my girls have tghe same Dad & the 3rd has a different Dad. As hard as it will be you need to get along with your ex & his fiance as much as possible...for your daughter. It will be tempting to make snide remarks especially when they come to you first. But you uhave to be the bigger person, bite your tongue and walk away.

The father of my older 2, his wife and I have come to terms that we are in this together. We all need to get along for all of the kids (they have two girls). Granted we have been divorced for 11 years. But I watch their girls when they both have to work & all of our kids would be at their house alone. We take their oldest with us to church, missions games, she spends the night & she goes with us to the neighborood pool.

The other Dad's double x-wife is a different story but I do the best I can. I find myself biting my tongue more often than not. She does have some really good days when she is really nice but so I'm glad when those come around and just remain cautious.

That would be my only other piece of advice. Don't let your Mom guard down be cautious but also be a good person. Treat her the way you would want to be treated. Don't allow her, your ex mother-in-law or anyone else push your buttons with this situation. Let your daughter know you are her Mom & she now has another person in her life to provide her love.

Wow, this is a touchy subject. Um, I am a stepmom to two children,they were 5 and 9 when I came into their lives. The older one has always called me by my name and the little one does call me mama. One thing I know for sure is no matter how much they like or love me, I will never be their mother. I can't replace her. It is like this natural feeling they get. Your 3 year old knows you can never be replaced, that is already instilled in her. If she chooses to call her stepmother mommy she must feel really loved and that is the best feeling to have knowing you can trust your exhusbands wife with her. All the extra love she will get automatically won't compare to yours but how nice that all these people love her. If you look at it longterm everything will fall into place.

No matter what your children call their step-mother, it will not change the way they feel about you. If you fight with your ex's new wife, however, you can create a lot of very nasty emotions that your children may get angry with you and your ex over.

Children of divorced families tend to feel that new step-parents, as well as the others that these step-parents bring with them, are *extensions* to their family, not *replacements*. Your childrens' family is expanding.

I would talk to everyone, gently, and let them know that you do not want them to tell your daughter that she is getting a new mommy. She already has a mommy that is not going anywhere but that daddy is getting married and this new woman will be her friend. This new person is NOT expected to be her mom or a substitute for you.

Have you met her, do you get along? If you haven't, you need to. Offer to take her to lunch or dinner or something. Let her know that you are aware she will play a role in your child's life and you just want to make it easy on everyone. You ALL will have to work TOGETHER to make sure your daughter is happy and not confused by this. You and your ex need to tell OTHER family member to not say anything to YOUR child in regards to this situation, it is your decision on how to handle it and what words you use with your daughter and they need to respect that, for her sake! If they are not willing to work with you, then it is up to you! The good thing is your daughter is with you MOST of the time and you have the most influence, therefore you can explain how you want to. You can explain the difference between bio-mom and stepmom and that no matter what anyone else tells her, you are explaining it to her correctly and in a way that does not make her feel she is losing something! Good Luck, I have been through it too, my ex and his girlfriend were not cooperative, but luckily-they are not a part of our lives anymore!

I only have my experience to go on. My parents divorced and both parents remarried. When my dad married my step mom I liked her and wasnt resentful. But as I got older I noticed things about her that I started not to like. I respected her rules and punishments. My dad kinda tricked me into living with him. I was still young and didnt understand it. And once that happened I might of seen my mom one weekend a month or even that. And thats when I started being resentful. I never called her mom I called her by her first name. I got older had my baby and My stepmom had my kicked out saying that a baby wasnt good for her kids. And I never forgot who my mom was. She was and still is my best friend. MY story of a step mom is a nightmare. I would just sit with your ex's wife and ask her how she raises children. Tell her what you would like done with your kids. I was always confused when I was little because the ways my mom and stepmom parent were different so I felt like I had to act like 2 different people. I would try to agree on a parenting method so that your daughter doesnt get confused.

When my ex remarried, he took the time to introduce my two girls to her and explained that her name is Sabrina and she's a "bonus mom". We all talked to the girls and they decided that calling her Sabrina or b-mom was how they would address her when they are in their home. Today's world involves all arrangements of "families" that include multiple marriages worth of children, sometimes even 'extra' grandparents, so just take a deep breath and relax. No one can replace you in your daughters heart, but you can make it less stressful for your daughter by accepting the new "bonus mom" in her life and opening a channel of communication with her to talk about your daughter. If there is any tension between the two households, your daughter will pick up on it and it'll be added stress she doesn't need. Good luck.

I come from divorcced parents & I was 4 years old when i got a "new mommy", I remember when my dad got married, but no matter what, no matter how nice my step mom was to me... my mom was & always will be my mommy! You only have ONE real mom & your daughter will always know who that is.

Hi J.,
I myself am in a similar situation except I am the stepmom. My husband has two boys from his previous marriage and we have one son now and are planning on have two more. I really dont think you have anything to worry about. With my husbands sons I dont expect them to call me mommy, as a matter of fact they call me by my first name which is fine for me. If your ex's new wife doesnt like that then maybe you can come up with a nickname your daughter can use for her. When the boys come over I do however enforce the rules at our home and that maybe something you need to prepare yourself for. The ex having a say so on the other end while your daughter is visiting their home. Your ex's wife maybe the same. When the kids act up my husband has given me the ok to put the kids in time out, take away their privlages or ground them (they are 9 and 14) for the weekend they are there but that is because it is our home and regardless of whether those are my kids or not they need to respect the household. I have explained to both the kids and their mom that when they come over we are a family. I have explained to their mother that I am not trying to act as their mother but I am trying to act as an extended part of their family. Since I am married to their daddy I will be around for a long time and I would prefer that we act as a family. I dont expect hugs or kisses from the boys, although if I ever do get that from the boys I would never push them away and say dont do that, but I would never force them to do that. Thats something they may or may not do over time themselves. My husband and his ex are not friends at all or tend to have a friendly relationship but I try not to get involved most of the time when it comes to their decisions about their kids. I have found that most stepmoms feel the same. I can also relate to your daughter because both my parents remarried and it was pretty much the same with them. When I was at their homes I would have to respect each of their rules because that was the proper thing to do. At first it was hard on everyone but after a couple of months things just seemed to smooth out on their own. We all new what to expect and if something happened we would just deal with the situation and move on. I would also suggest that you not say anything negative to your daughter or speak to your ex or his wife in a negative way when your daughter is around because that can send her mixed messages and make the situation worst. I hope this helps. If you ever need to vent or talk you are always more than welcome to email me at any time. Like I said, I have been in that situation from two different angles and I know it can be hard but hang in their and things will work out. Good Luck. S..

I am a second wife. For what it's worth, I had no interest in replacing my s'kids mom. If I were able, I would like to be friend - like with her, but for the time being, that's not possible either. To point out - the stuff she couldn't/wouldn't do, the kids would ask me to do - if I can say yes, I always do.

I guess what I'm saying is to make everyone more comfortable, I would talk to your ex and his wife to be - let them know that you want very much for the three of you to work together for your daughter's best interest, and ask them to please come up with a 'name' that makes her s'mom comfortable, but is not mom, mommy, or mama. You welcome her in your daughter's life (assume she's going to be permanent - it's easier to get along than to fight, especially for your munchkin), but the mom job is not up for grabs. My stepchildren named me SMOM if that helps you out.

Assuming that gets addressed comfortably, I would suggest that you talk to your ex about how uncomfortable your xmil's comments make you. Especially since they will undoubtedly create insecurity in your daughter's mind. He can address that with his mom.

Finally, realize that sometimes a stepmom isn't a horrible thing. While not taking away from the fact that you are your daughter's mother, we can be the most caring babysitter you'll ever see. I love my stepchildren, hands down, as much as I do the two I gave birth to. I've been known to do field trips when their mom can't, wipe tears when she's not available (or when it's my husband's time with the kids), help with the legal end of parent teacher conferences (it's harder to bully another teacher than it is regular parents). If the ex and I were able to maintain a cordial relationship and she were interested, we could also share the (cost) of parties and larger gifts - but like I said, she's not interested right now.

S.

I would talk to both the ex and his soon to be new wife and let them know that you would appreciate it if she did not call her mom. If he is unresponsive ask him how it would make him feel if your daughter was calling another man daddy. Try to come up with another name that she can call her. A word of advice even if you despise the new wife never pass those feeling to your daughter it will make for one really ugly situation! I am a daughter of divorced parents and it was really hard b/c my parents never talked to each other about their feelings about what was going on at the others house so I was caught in the middle. I went through my teenage years hating both my step parents and that made it very hard on everyone! I am now an adult and my stepmother and I have a great relationship. On holidays like Mothers day they do make Step-mother cards that are pretty good. No matter what happens just remember you will always be her mommy and she knows that. Hope that this helps and good luck.

Hi J.,

I've been a step mom to two fabulous kids for 5 years. I do not have the best relationship with their mother which is a whole other story. What would have helped us get off on the right foot would have been a sit down meeting so she could outline her needs, boundries and concerns. Had I known in the beginning things such as she always wanted to be the one to take the kids to the doctor and the first day of school even if they were with us at the time. Or that she wanted to plan all birthday parties for them, or that she just as well would rather I do all their clothing and back to school shopping because her financial situation is different we would not be in the mending of fences mode we are in today.

Communication and boundry setting is KEY. If you have difficulty with your ex then go straight to her. If you are on good co-parenting terms with your ex then all three of you should sit down. And do it before they get married. Discuss topics like public nudity, co-sleeping, holidays, gift giving, health care, future parent teacher conferences, car pooling ect ect ect. Open and honest, not passive is the most positive way to make sure your little one transitions into her new two family life with out trauma.

One more thing. When my husband and I got married my step son was 5. He often accidentally called me mom. One time his mother heard him do it and had no response. Didn't show any sign that she was hurt or anything. She just said, Well T. does all your mommy type stuff when you are at daddies so don't worry. That was very classy of her.

Good luck. I recommend you get some co-parenting books. There are some good ones out there to help you through the process.

I'm on the other side of the fence sort to speak. My fiancee is also divorced and has a son from a previous marriage. I do not cross the line when it comes to him and his son, he doesnt call me mom and I dont expect him to either. The way I see it is that he already has a mom and when he gets older and decides to call me mom, that would be totally up to him. My fiancee and I also have a daughter together. Have you met your ex's soon to be wife?? Does she already have children? IMO I dont think you have anything to worry about here. Your daughter is old enough to know who her mommy is, it doesnt matter what other people tell them. Hang in there! Hope everything goes well...

Don't waste time worrying about something that just might work out o.k. Your ex had pretty good sense when he choose you, so give it time. Your daughter knows who her mother is and will always, but she will have enough space in her little heart to love someone else who WILL definitely have a place in her life. A lot of how she'll love you the rest of her life will depend on how you teach her to love other people in her life, especially in her dad's life. Hope this helps, B.