Advice on How to Deal with a Neighbor Who Keeps Asking for Playdates

You can only be responsible for what YOU say and do, not how she takes it. You did ok. You provided info. She just doesn't understand and you can't make her. End of story.

I usually give people like you about 3 attempts before I do the same thing. So in my book, she gave you plenty of opportunity. You should be happy.

For someone who wants so little to do with the neighbor, and you have even said she is stalker like, and you are worried that this is hard on your kids?? Why do your kids feel that she needs to acknowledge them, especially if they don't really want her son around? This is a weird post to me. Sounds like your neighbor finally "got" what you have been trying to tell her. She's not bothering you or your kids anymore. So what's the problem?

I think also u got what u wanted for her not to bother u or your kids so now she's not,and you are upset? Really? Actually in reading your post I felt bad for this mom at first, it almost at seems like u come across that u are just too good for them? Oh we are just soo busy and my kids have a lot of friends , they have no time? Really what would it have taken to have invited them over one day to see for themselves that most likely their ages and different interests would not have worked. I think it would have showed that at least u cared (especially a neighbor) and tried but it didn't work out (as u thought). I guess I just read it as u guys are too good, I get the stalker part waiting on u all etc, but on the kids part I can see a kid hanging , waiting outside for the other kids to come home kids just do that when they are alone or yearning for friends. Yes the mom can go about her business and try to get her kid involved in things to make friends but sometimes it is nice to get to know neighbors kids. U didn't say what the ages are or differences in ages? Is it a big difference or just a couple of years?

Sounds to me like you handled it the best you could.
I would not have done anything differently.

You made it very clear to her that you and your kids don't have time or interest in them, now she gets the hint and you're upset about it? What do you want suggestions about? You got what you wanted. I feel bad for a new family moving into the neighborhood and being shut down by the kids already in set friendships. I wonder the ages of all the kids and if there is really that big of a difference. Put yourself in her shoes. She's just trying to get some friends for her son. We just moved to a new house over the summer. It's hell hot here so no one is out. Luckily, there are siblings right across the street and the dtr is in my son's actual class so they walk to the bus and home together and they have been coming here and he goes there. I have met the mom. But I could imagine if he saw kids out the window, wanted to play with them, I made attempts that went no where and had to tell him they kids didn't want to play with him. I mean what the heck. I see both sides but I do understand a mom trying to help her son make friends in the neighborhood. You can't hate her for that. Just continue to be polite and wave and smile when you see her. Good luck.

Since she stopped speaking to you, you don't need to worry so much anymore. I think she is one of those people who doesn't understand personal space and how you can't force someone to be your friend. Her son needs to learn this, too, or it will be a long road.

But bottom line is that you tried to be nice, and your boys aren't beholden to her or her son. It is not your/their fault that his mom wants to be a cruise director. You can't care more than she does. If you gave her ideas and she didn't take you up on them, then she just needs to understand. If she doesn't understand, at least leave you alone.

ETA: I don't think the OP sounded rude or stuck up. People have stuff to do. Even when I like somebody maybe I don't want to hang with them every night. With HW and dinner and baths and chores...weeknights were never good for us for the kids to have a friend over or vice versa. My DD is only 5 and sometimes there are just times she gets left behind at the playground or pool when there are older kids. I just encourage her to find someone else or something else to do. Not all the kids will be her friend.

Honestly S., you did everything anyone could possibly do and you did so with grace.

She is pissed at many levels that you all are not her built in neighborhood free babysitter. Her son is hurt obviously that he can't be included in every big boy outing. She is miffed because the parenting responsibility back on her shoulders to find age appropriate play dates. Go figure.

It might be nice to explain to your boys how much that one little boy looks up to them, and if you were the new mom with just one son pining daily to be with the cool bigger kids, you'd probably appreciate a token of time.

Well, she doesn't bother you now.
So that is good, right?
You are under NO obligation, to have "play dates" with her son, and as you said, her kid is much younger and there is nothing in common, per ages, with your own kids.
So good.
Just stay away.
Because, as you said, others had problems with that Mom and her kid, too.
You are not a "social worker."
And she is the Mom... and she can't just unload her kid on the neighbors.
Ick.

My kids are 7 and 10. IF I were to explain to them, about this whole issue you have with the neighbor, they would understand.
So... why don't you just explain it to YOUR kids... so they understand.
You said "its hard on the kids, who don't understand any of this....she won't even acknowledge them..."
So, to solve that problem with your kids not understanding, just explain....it....to...them.
So they do understand.
I have always explained social things like that to my kids, even when they were younger, and they always understood. And it was no problem.

And look, the woman is not bothering you now.
So why are you upset about it?
You didn't want to be her friend, right?
So good.

Sounds like you were too vague with hints (hints that would be clear to normal people but she's not normal), though I understand how hard it is to be frank. If your sons are THAT busy, and they play with all their other friends, SURELY, you can figure out when they MAY have a few minutes to play in the yard, and then say, "Maybe at ____time they will be around, but I won't know until it happens, so try us then." She's probably thinking you actually CAN control their schedule as a parent....so she's trying to pin you down not realizing that they really do dictate their own leisure time pretty much exclusively by how you make it sound here.

I do feel bad the child's parents seem weird about this. But you could still invite the child to play OUTSIDE in the yard sometime with the CLEAR explanation that its for the moment, not a week's worth of "Play dates". My kids have unsupervised neighborhood friends who are constantly at the door and scoping out our yard for them. I'm always blunt and clear, "The kids are cleaning their rooms and eating lunch, they can come out in an hour." or "We have errands/homework, they can't come out today." or "They're grounded" or "They have Tae Kwon Do every day at 5" or "We won't be home next week, we're going to Seattle" or WHATEVER. When they can't come out I usually end with "Maybe Sunday afternoon if we're home." Kids really don't take these types of things personally, they never give me grief or look hurt.

IF you want to make it up to this weird mom, you could send a note and/or cookies saying, "I hope you didn't misinterpret our busy schedule for rudeness. Though I am unable to schedule "play dates" with anyone, I do hope we'll see your son for time to time when my kids are home and able to play outside." So even if she's still upset you don't fit with her expectations, she can't BLAME you for the rift...?

You have given her ideas for ways to let her child get involved with friends, and you have explained the age difference, so she has no right to be mean to you at this point. I think she just didn't "get" that you would not EVER make "appointments" with her child, so if there is a way you can still be clear yet nice about that, try for another explanation....or not. Poor kid!

How big is the age difference between your sons and the neighbor boy? Just curious. If it is just a couple of years it might be kind of fun for the boys to play with him "like a younger brother." I wonder if the kid might have social skills issues and has trouble making friends? If so, maybe see if you can convince your boys to spend a little time with him each week. It wouldn't hurt your boys and it might be really helpful to the little guy if he has social skills issues.

Edited: Sorry, I didn't see that the boys have been hanging out with the younger kid, but that the mom wants more. I think just continue to set your boundaries while being friendly, and continue to encourage her to put him in after-school activities!

If she asks again, say, I'm sorry, but why don't you try setting up some playdates with some boys from your son's class that are his age. Also, why don't you try signing him up for sports and some other activities if he's bored. Good luck! Don't feel bad...she'll get over it.

Meh, I wouldn't worry that she doesn't acknowledge you anymore. Good! You gave her plenty of hints, and what you said wasn't even rude-it was just the truth. You're right. It's not up to you or your kids to keep her son entertained. That's all she wants. Free entertainment for her son. Just tell your kids to ignore her if she's unpleasant to them.

I think this mom is just sad that her little boy doesn't have any playmates. What I might do is offer her some suggestions where they can meet people that have children his age. Some schools support play group programs and offer them for free if the children are young enough. There are MOPS groups around if the boy is in preschool.

It just sounds like your family and her family are at different stages, and she's having trouble accepting that you've already explained this to her as gently as possible. All she can see is that her little boy loves your boys and he's sad that they "won't" play with him. She doesn't see that it's not due to a fault in your children or her son... they're simply in different stages.

Hi S..
It sounds fines.
If you would like...where I live abroad...often some neighbors meet at a neighborhood park with kids of all ages. No commitment among the parents or kids...but fun. Informal. Or you could even recommend to her a local park to take her son to meet more kids his age. Only if that is your style. It used to not be mine. I am learning...:)

Best.

Continue to be nice when you see her...maybe you should call her bluff and say "I haven't talked with you in a while, I hope you're doing well". Maybe bring over some cookies on the next big occasion.

I have an only child and my dd would play with the neighbors every day if she could. I set up playdates with other people as much as I can, but it's hard. She would constantly beg me to see if she could invite the neighbors over or go to their house. They started being a little mean to her so I put an end to it.

Also, it's interesting, but now that my dd doesn't play with the neighbors anymore, they seem to get jealous when she has other kids over...go figure! Hope your kids stay cordial.

Now that she's a little older, she's pretty much given it up...she uses her ipod to text her other friends which keeps her entertained when she's home and doesn't have anyone to play with. I also have started putting her in after school activities at the school and outside sports teams...that has helped a lot.

Give it a little time, their son will make his own friends and it sounds like you're off the hook now that they got the message.

S.,

Consider this a small blessing that she's just decided to snub you.
She really embarrassed herself, I think, with offering goodies and trying to entice them. That's just weird behavior. Really, really weird.

It's too bad that she couldn't see the differences in their maturity levels and handled it like a mature adult, gracefully. It's also too bad she's so off-putting, it's going to be harder for her son in the long run. If *she* can't get over things like this, that's going to be rough.

I know what it's like to have a child's wanted friend too old or aging out of playing with one's child-- it hurts a bit, you hurt for your kid, but if you aren't weird about it, it doesn't have to be weird. We are still friends with that set of parents-- it wasn't personal. :)

She sees her child is very lonely and I imagine he really thinks a lot of your kids. She may have poor social skills and might even be shy.

I'd keep telling her child that your kids are not home or busy. She really does need to put them in something but really may not know how.