Advice on Keeping a Level Head?

Hi S.-
Take lots of deep breaths is one piece of advice I have. I have ups and downs, too....my daughter does too, but not in any extreme way (she's 3.5). I would suggest you look into Love and Logic. I am a teacher besides a mom and the ideas they present are humorous and extremely helpful in both of my role. Fortunately for me and my daughter I have gotten to practice on hundreds of kids before my own!! Staying calm and seeing the positive is the key when dealing with anything. I also subscribe to a "The Daily Groove." It is a 5-day-a-week reminder of how to stay grounded and connected no matter what the mood of me or my child. It's free and easy.

Just a note to say that you're not alone! I am also very influenced by my kids' moods! I think we just need to have a solution for when we're feeling down or frustrated with parenting to help give us the perk-up we need. I like to go running with a friend or visit this great place nearby that offers parenting advice and indoor preschool play.

Too bad for us that we're such perfectionists -- when we judge all our mistakes too harshly, we can really get down! Too bad for moms everywhere that the only feedback we get on our jobs as moms is how often our kids have tantrums or how often they get hurt or how much trouble they have with sleeping, eating, etc. -- only our failures are really noticeable, and all these "failures" are really just complete developmentally appropriate behaviors on the parts of our kids!

You are concerned about how your moods affect your toddlers -- I find that when I teach my toddler how to handle her moods, tantrums, etc. that I find I am actually teaching myself! "Use your words to explain what you need and how you feel. Sing a song about why you are frustrated. Take deep breaths. Roar if you have to, and tell me why you are roaring!" I like to make up songs about why I am frustrated -- I find that that helps me calm down the best. "Oh, my dear toddler, why must you spend so long on the pottyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....! Mommy sometimes gets frustrated and doesn't know what to dooooooooooooooooooo."

Good luck, and loving your kids too much means you are already doing a fantastic job!

Welcome to motherhood!!!

The way I approach it is: for an illness - If your child gets the chicken pox, its horrible while you're going through it, but in the long run its just 5 days out of their lives. Its unbearable when your toddler has the flu and a 105 temp, but it isnt your fault that someone else went to the store sick, or didn't wipe down the door handle. Except for reminding them to wash up and not share food with the dog, the only thing you can do is be there to drive to the dr., cuddle on the couch, and pour the gingerale. That's what memories are made of. Think back to when you were sick. What is your most comforting memory? At some point we've all just 'wanted our Moms'.

As for attitude - well, next to the actual birth of your child, nothing is as surprising as the day your child develops an attitude! What is more surprising is when you see yourself in them, or when you walk into a scene, and your 3y old is mimicing you exactly!! Hmm, wonder where she got that from??? Depending on the offense, I either just laugh, or I take a step back and try to think. If I were the 8y old that had just said that, what would I expect.

Hugs.
M.

I'll bet this is a really common problem, S., so I'm glad you are asking. It's important to know that our children are unique beings, separate from us and from each other. Just as a surgeon can't work effectively if he's too identified with his patients' suffering, we can't do our most effective parenting when too closely identified with our kids' emotional states.

It's excellent, I think, to be sensitive to their feelings, which will help keep communication open and compassionate. But when the connection is too tight, there's little breathing room left for either mother or child. That's just not healthy. And (sigh) there can be a mile between knowing that in your head and really getting it in your heart.

If your children are still very young, some of your identification is normal, and reinforced by hormones – one of the ways mama creatures are prompted by nature to care for their endlessly demanding little ones. The intensity will probably mellow through the coming years.

If that doesn't occur, you might do well to get involved with interests of your own, a reading, exercise or crafts group, volunteer work if you're a stay-at-home mom. You could even do something with your children when they're old enough, broadening the social network for all of you.

If the intensity of your connection is just too draining now, you might want to talk to your doctor about it. Counseling might be in order, or possibly even medication depending on any other emotional or behavioral symptoms you might be having. Some women are simply sideswiped by the impact of motherhood. Depression is not merely a rumor.

But chances are, you're just a normal, caring mom. I see the point in what your mother told you, but if you start to inquire into the nature of your happiness, you can gradually learn that you can be happy, well-balanced, and productive even if one of your children isn't.

I know a woman who's son is profoundly autistic, and frequently shows signs of distress. She's a cool lady, though, and has learned to detach her need for happiness from her son. She's a terrific and caring mom, sacrifices a lot for his well-being, as well as that of an older daughter, but she simply doesn't get dragged down by the fact that he'll never function quite normally in the world.

A quote comes to mind from a wonderful poem by Mary Oliver:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do – With your one wild and precious life?

Sometimes the best solution is to walk away. Give yourself a time out. I have a VERY out spoken 2 1/2 year old boy who challenges me every day! I often give myself a time out so that I can calm down. If my son throws a tantrum I tell him that when he is finished he can come talk to me. I try very hard to not give into his moods or demands. When he is kind and polite i have no problem helping him. Remember that what we say and do around our child teaches them how they should treat others. I find that the key is to be consistent with your kids. They will eventually realize that they are not going to get anywhere with their bad behavior and stop. Sending you many happy calm thoughts! :)

Honey, I feel exactly the same way most days. You took the words right out of my mouth. You've gotten some well-meaning advice from others, but some of it is off the mark, me thinks. How can you NOT feel the emotions of another angry person in your house, no matter if they are 3 or 100 years old? That's just how emotions work--they float, invisible yet infectious. My kids' tantrums drive me nuts, especially the oldest ones. I A. driven to pure FURY, and sometimes all before 10 a.m.! The only thing that has helped me is having a second child, so I know that "this too shall pass," as my lovely MIL tells me often. Good luck to you--to us! You're not alone.

Sounds to me like you need to find something to do outside of your child's life, something away from them that is all your own. It will be a good healthy distraction! And a way for you to focus on you for a little bit. What do you like to do? Or maybe even just getting out to go for a walk. Something away from the kids! Sounds like you are a good mama. For me; to be a good mama, I have found that I need to be satisfied in my own personal life, balanced with satisfying your children...so this is what I strive towards! Good luck to you!

Slow down, take one day at a time, if one day is too much--do one task at a time. Breathe often, and feed them first. You will be amazed at the change in a child when he or she has a full stomach. Then feed your self. Find a time in the day that is just yours. When I has toddlers, I was hooked on Masterpiece theater. Their father knew I was totally to be left alone for that one hour a week. Just that one hour.

Work on removing the guilt factor from your vocabulary. You are not guilty if they throw a temper tantrum or sick.

Dear Loving Mother,
I would have to know a few more things about why you tend to feel so deeply. Feeling deeply in and of itself is a wonderful thing, but if it colors the way you feel about yourself in a negative way, then the pendulum is out of balance. For instance, what happens before the tantrum? Is there a different way of approaching problems that would prevent tantrums that would make everyone feel better? Or is it just the irritation that all parents can feel when their child is pitching a fit? With illness....again, what's happened before they got sick? Have they been staying up too late, running around without proper clothing in the snow or rain? Eating high levels of sugar that can depress their immune system? These are things you have control over. But if it's just that you feel deeply, when your child is feeling bad, well, yes of course you do and it sounds like you know there is a tipping point of this being out of balance. Good for you! You can do many things about your situation. Read parenting books, taking parenting classes, readjust your schedule and food intake to help their health OR take a serious inner inventory and be proud of yoursel that you know something is askew and it might benefit you to work on your own issues, for the sake of yourself and your family.
Good Luck and More power to feelings ( accept when you don't know how to manage them....they are such great barometers)
Mary

you are not alone........please read this book "I was a really good mom before i had kids"..........it will make you laugh & cry, but you will feel much better, best wishes