Advice on My 14 Month Old Slapping People in the Face & Pulling Hair

Thanks for writing about this topic. I am having the same problem with my son. It's nice to get advice.

What are the road blocks you have encountered? Children copy behavior -- where has your child seen this? Dr Weissbluth ###-###-####) is WONDERFUL and recommends Time Outs for non-compliance or temper tantrums: it is deliberate inattention. Any response (sweet or stern) will reinforce the behavior. That's why Time-Outs (done properly) work.

Does she slap other adults in the face? This is pretty extreme behavior, if she got it from seeing it, stop her from seeing it. Since she is only 14 mos there is a limit to what you can do to get the message across that her behavior will not be tolerated. Grab her hand and don't let her slap, be on guard and only pay attention to her actions when in a social situation for awhile so that you can consistently stop her each and every time. Grab her hand and don't let her pull hair and very carefully untangle the hair from her hand so that the other child is not feeling pain. Then lift her up and take her away , go home and tell her calmly that she is being taken away because of what she did. Hopefully she will cry, that will indicate that taking her away is a good discipline. Make a big show when she plays without slapping and pulling hair. If it is your face and hair, let her know that it hurts by pretending to cry and telling her it hurts mommy. When she gets her next boo-boo tell her that she is feeling what those she slaps and pulls feel, so she makes the connection.

My son is 11 months and he hits me in the face sometimes. I grab his hand and say "no", or I say "that hurts" and then show him how to touch gentle. He knows and understands the word no, although he doesn't always listen, I can tell, because he stops and looks or smiles, then continues to test me. I don't believe that a 14 month old does not know the word no, if you are continously correcting her. Just keep consistant, everytime she hits, do the same, she'll eventually stop.

I thionk you should redirect her...I do that with all my childcare kids...I find something to get their mind off of being angry

Hi R.,

I think this is completely normal - it seems like every toddler I know goes through a version of this. My son who is now two has stopped for the most part but will still relapse when he is over excited or gets frustrated. Just be consistent - tell your toddler no hitting and stop interaction when it happens. If I was playing with my son or reading to him and he hit me or pulled my hair I would tell him no hitting and explain it hurts and then I would tell him that play time is over when we hit. I would put him down somewhere safe with a toy on his own and redirect my attention. (ie I would put some dishes away or start cleaning something nearby but stop the playing for a few minutes until his attention was elsewhere) As he grew older, we designated a spot down the hall and would tell him to go stand in his spot when he did something like hitting, head butting, tantrums etc. By the time he runs down there and back he has forgotten what he was doing and comes back and settles down with a toy or a book.

Just remember they grow out of most of these things on their own - you are entering the experimental phase. Once she realizes it is more fun to do something else and she doesn't get a fun reaction from you, she will move on. Good luck!

At her age, she doesn't understand that she is hurting someone and so discipline is counterproductive. Divert her to other things and tell her no and show her what she should do ie be gentle.

Hi R.,

Both of my kids went through a hitting or pinching phase and we had no idea where it was coming from! We used to grab their hand and say very emphatically, "I don't like that!" so that they would start to understand to think about how other people feel. After saying that, we'd put them in a different spot to indicate that they had to be separated from us (or the person). Over time, they got it.

Hope this helps,

S.
Mom of 6yo and 3yo

I have the same problem with my 15 month old son. I've tried just taping his hand and telling him NO don't do that. Because the other day he hit my husband and my husband hit his hands pretty hard, and he cried for a long time. I told him that was not necessary to hit him like that, because he's a baby. We got into it because the way he hit him , I was p----- off. You don't hit a child like that, beause they don't know they are doing. All of that and he still is hitting today. All children will go that phase, and will go to something else. I know this is my fourth child.

If anyone has had another or better way I would love to know how.

R.,
It is soooo normal!!! She is just discovering that she can use her hands to get people's attention for whatever reason she's mad at them, bored etc. My sons' went from pulling hair to biting me. The only thing you can do is give her eye contact and say "NO NO" in a calm voice. I would just warn people before they hold her that she may slap them. If you have long hair I would be pulling it back for a while. Good Luck!

M.

My kids and nephews did that too. I told any 'victim' to pretend to cry (as realistically as possible). Once the child realized that it hurt they did it less often. I would also remove the child from the situation so they realized that I was serious. They will eventually catch on that it is not acceptable behavior.

I agree with the Moms who say this is a normal developmental thing; she is too young to understand what she is doing or be "disciplined" for it. Different children are different but the "gentle" thing worked for me. I would take my child's hand and show him a gentle way to touch and say "gentle" in a soothing voice. You are redirecting them with a different way of touching and give them positive reinforcement for that. In other words, you have to teach them what is and is not appropriate, and they won't get it right away! Hitting them back (re the other poster's hubby) is a terrible way to show them not to hit! It shows them that people do hit! Also overreacting to any of this stuff is the worst. Same with hair pulling. Pull your hair away gently and say "gentle", etc. My child was a total grabber of all things including my glasses and any jewelry but he just grew out of it, with gentle nudging so to speak.

Every parent wants his/her child to exhibit self-discipline and compassion, for their intrinsic value, not because the child is afraid of punishment. Parental violence (however mild) in response to a child's violence is wrong. I feel very, very strongly about this.

My 14-month-old son occasionally slaps, pinches, scratches, pulls hair and bites me, his dad, and his eight-year-old brother. It's a normal and unavoidable developmental phase that comes with the desire to communicate and be "in charge." It can happen when our son is overly stimulated, frustrated, tired, hungry or when he's not getting the attention he needs.

Modeling gentle touches in response to violence works well for us, but sometimes it offers another opportunity to exhibit the behavior again while he's still upset. Here's what we usually do: We get down to his level, look him in the eye with a sad (not angry expression) and firmly, "No hitting, etc. That hurts." Then we comfort the hurt person, so our son doesn't get the idea that violence gets him attention. We are also trying to teach him sign language to help him communicate his feelings and desires.

I hope this helps you. I know it can be embarrassing when it happens in public--to you or another person's child. My mom tells me I slapped her in the communion line at church once, and she took me straight outside and spanked me. I didn't slap her again, at least not in church! She still feels bad about spanking my on the front steps.

She's possibly doing it because she's gotten reactions in the past. I suggest that when she does it, don't make a big deal about it, don't pretend to cry and don't get overly upset about it, just hold her hands and tell her that we don't slap/pull hair, that it's not good behavior, that it hurts the people we love. And most important, be consistent about however you handle it.