My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, he has a 4 year old son whom I met 4 months or so I to the relationship. I myself have no kids (we're both in our late 20's)and never really spent much time with children, aside from my younger cousins when we were growing up. I think his son is a sweetie but I'm kind of afraid to get attached to him. My boyfriend and I are working toward getting married and having more children. I'm just afraid that if things go south between my boyfriend and me, it would be double the pain because I'd lose them both. His son and I get along really well, better than I would have ever thought; we play together, he gives me hugs etc. I have never tried to be the little boy's mom, he has one though I've never seen her, she is in his life. I try to be good to him and make sure that he knows I'm there if he needs me. I don't know what else I could do.
Well things are still the same with me and the little boy. Yes, I did get attached, I think the doubt just comes from having to wait on my boyfriend to makes the changes he needs to so we can move on with our little family.
I think what you are doing is perfect. Hard not to get attached to these little guys. You seem to have a good relationship with him. Just keep that up. You cannot worry about something that might not happen.
Sounds to me like you're fine. Relationships grow over time.
Breakups with someone with kids are doubly hard if the issue isn't the kid but the parent. If you're worried about a breakup, you might want to think about the relationship and see if that's really a concern and go forward accordingly. But all he needs right now is what you already are.
Take your chances. Nothing bad comes from love. Yes, if anything were to happen between you and his father you'd have no ground to stand on to ever see him again. But I think this boy is worth loving and enjoying. Being distant will only hurt you all.
There was a movie called Joshua's Heart. Watch it. It is about a similar situation going sour.
Don't borrow trouble.
It sounds like you're taking it slow with the child - you met him fairly early in the relationship but at least your boyfriend waited 4 months to be sure this was a relationship he thought would last.
I would just keep taking it easy while you and your boyfriend work toward getting married. It sounds like you're a ways off from that, so you are wise to not get overly involved with a child if you aren't fully committed yet to his father. You're playing with him and getting along, but you haven't tried to take on the mother role - that's a smart move.
I'm a stepmother so I can tell you that I did things very slowly with the kids for quite a while. I never tried to take their mother's place. In time, if you can convey that to him as well as to HER, that would be ideal. You say you have not met her (and that may be wise), and you say she is "in his life" - I'm not sure if that means he lives with her or just that she has visitation. That makes a difference in terms of your entree into his life more and more. Your boyfriend is going to have to take the lead on that when the time is right. Hopefully she is the type who will feel that her child benefits from having more than 1 or 2 people who love him.
I wouldn't change what you're doing. I'm sure you realize that parenting, and step-parenting, are more than playing and giving hugs. Step-parenting is about consistency, about a child never feeling that he's going to lose you (which is why you take it slowly and don't meet a partner's kids until you both think the relationship is a "keeper"), and it's about not being a parent or a friend, but something else entirely - another source of love, a role model, not a peer but not the parent either. What he needs from you will change/mature as he gets older and as your relationship with his father continues. The best thing you can do is to be a good partner to your boyfriend, and to demand that your boyfriend be a good partner to you. This little boy will lean a lot about love from how his father and you treat each other, as well as how you treat him.
Good luck, and just don't rush things! Enjoy the time you have together.
Just keep things simple. My ex introduced his GF to my 3 girls 1 week after meeting her. I have amazing girls and its hard not to get attached to them. Its been a little over 5 months that she has been in their lives. I am VERY involved with my children, and my ex and I have joint custody. Keeping respect towards the childs mom is key. I cant believe you have not met her. So far... for me, my oldest is having a HUGE issue with the GF. Appearently, she is trying too hard to make friendly bonds with her. (ex: taking her out to have tea and telling her that she and her son will be spending a lot more time with them at their house). This has been hard considering my ex has told my girls and myself he has no plans to change the current situation. Not in hurry to get re-married or have her and her son move into his house. They are not on the same page and my oldest is getting caught in middle. You dont seem to be pushing for a bond. Your being respectful knowing he has a mom.... Good for you. I wish my ex's GF was more respectful to me in that aspect. I would feel a lot more comfortable about her being around my children if she wasnt pushing so hard to move in with them all already. You are all good!
Jennifer,
Welcome to mamapedia!!
So you are "working towards" getting married and having kids with this guy - but you're afraid it's going to south??? WHY are you still there then? Really? If you can't see a future with this guy and you are already believing it's going to go south - DO NOT INVEST ANY MORE TIME WITH HIM....it's not fair to him, you or the child.
There is NOTHING wrong with giving a child love, support and happy memories. NOTHING at all. However, do NOT give him false hope of permanency in his life if you are NOT truly invested in this relationship.
DO NOT - I repeat DO NOT - have children with this guy if you think it's going south...it's NOT right.
What do you want?
Why do you have feelings that this could go south?
Why are you afraid to love this child??? Every child deserves love. There is an old saying....
One comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime...
If you are not committed to this relationship and feel it's going south, STOP IT NOW...
I think you're handling it well. It sounds like you have a really good relationship with him without being too close. Think about things from his perspective. If he gets attached to you, he isn't going to understand why you're not part of his life anymore if you break up with your boyfriend. He might wonder if it's his fault or if you didn't like him. So, I think it's great to have a good relationship with him without forming a strong attachment. That way, neither of you will get hurt if you don't end up marrying your boyfriend.
I think you're handling things perfectly. You respect that he has a mom, and are keeping yourself at arms length which is what you should do until you actually become the stepmom. Even then, you'll still have to play second fiddle to his mom, but knowing that going in is great!
it bugs me that you're approaching your burgeoning relationship with this little fellow (not to mention his father) with the mindset that it's not going to work.
that's almost guaranteed to sabotage everything.
yes, if things go south you will feel pain. the little boy probably would too. that's ALWAYS the risk when you get into relationships of any sort. but fear of potential loss should not prevent a healthy person from developing bonds with other people. especially a future stepson.
while the chance of failure is something the intelligent person considers, it shouldn't be the guiding principle. don't let fear be at the base of your decisions.
khairete
S.
i say go with the flow-no one can predict the future..
