Agonizing over Decision to Have Another

My kids are 5 1/2 years apart...I love it! I know many that have done this...In fact, I just talked to a neighbor's little brother and he is extremely close with his brother as they are in their late 20's.

The decision to have one was made for me due to the fact that I have Marfan Syndrome. I didn't realize that with my Marfan Syndrome, I never should've been pregnant at all due to the stress it puts on the heart. We tried for three years with many infertility treatments and then we conceived naturally. We are beyond blessed with the beautiful angel that was given to us.

With that being said, I recommend that you read the book by Susan Newman: "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges or Raising your One and Only." Although the decision not to have another was made for me, I can honestly say after reading this book, I may have made the choice to have one. There are so many pros to having any only that many people don't realize. Almost all onlies are very self-motivated and are high achievers. They benefit from having their parents' attention all to themselves that children with siblings do not have, which helps them excel. I know personally that as my daughter gets older I love the freedom I have to do more with her than if I had more than one. And believe it or not, she actually doesn't want a brother or sister! Granted she's only 3-1/2 that may change down the line, but right now she's very happy with Mommy, Daddy and her puppy, Nemo.

I was at my aunt's birthday party last year and I got to talking to one of her friends who has an only. Something I started doing when I found out we could only have one was "interviewing" people with onlies. I have gotten some really good feedback! Anyway, she was telling me that her son used to constantly ask for a brother or sister. Finally, she pointed to a picture of Mary, Joseph and Jesus that she had hanging up and said that Mary and Joseph had only one child - and he never asked after that. I thought that was such a heartwarming story. :-)

So, I guess all I can say is follow your heart and decide what is best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

This is a family decision between you and your spouse. Nobody can tell you the size of your family - it is a joint decision. I came from a family with 2 kids and my spouse came from a family with 3 kids. We planned to have 2 kids and then after he was in a car accident discovered we were both wondering if the 3rd child would be a son or a daughter...we were then blessed with a 3rd child.
Congratulations on being the happy mom of one child. I wish you the best in working on your family size decision with your spouse.
If you do decide to have more than one, it will provide the first one with opportunity to explore his nurturing side but you can also borrow little ones from friends to help them out and explore this with your son.

C.
mother of 3, yoga teacher

S.,
I think you will know if and when you are ready to have your 2nd child. Right now may not be the right time to have another baby since you are having difficulty "taking the plunge". As you wait you will probably feel stronger one way or the other, don't feel like you have to make a decission now.

We had a very similar situation. We had our wonderful daughter and thought why ruin such a good thing, why potentially deprive our daughter of her parents attention, and the list goes on and on, our reasons not to. My husband went in for a vasectomy even. He walked out, because the doctor said if there was even a hint we might want another someday he shouldnt do it. I was kind of upset even, at the time.

I have one brother 7 years older than me. We arent close but I'm very happy he exists. My husband can say the same thing about his siblings.

We had our second daughter two weeks ago. She is wonderful, and our first daughter adores her. And there is no wondering anymore, because there is now an overwhelming sense of completion in our family. He can go get that vasectomy now. :-)

Your son will be just fine if you dont have another. We did all that research too. Its of course a total myth that only children arent as happy or well-adjusted.

But the fact that you were upset, instead of relieved, at the loss of the pregnancy tells me where your heart might be on the subject.

There is no magic answer... We are in the same position you are. I always thought I wanted 2, but I'm feeling very hesitant about trying for it. I'm a firm believer in what is meant to be, though, so if it happens, it is supposed to. God doesn't give us more than we can handle.... Good luck to you. I totally understand, but no one can make that choice but you and your husband. And maybe not even you two!

I know the feeling as I am feeling it right now as well but, I am agonizing over having a third for the very same reasons as you are. I have two healthy girls they are smart and sweet and a lot of work. Can i handle another and do the things I want to do with them and for them? Anyhow you get it... I did not agonize over a second, I just knew I wanted another. I think if you are agonizing you are not ready right now. Wait until you are more sure of what you want. You are still young so there isn't a huge rush to have a baby right now. If it is right you'll know. Good luck.

Hi S.:

I think that you should try and have another child. It would be great companionship for your other child. How does your husband feel? My point is.. if you wait too long, it may not be as easy when you finally do decide that you want another. That's what happened to me. When my only child was four we decided that we wanted another one, and it took over 5 years to have our blessing happen. There was much grief and hardship involved with that wait. We lost a child at 6months invirto. I think that you would have enough love, time, and compassion for another little one right now. So go for it.

I had trouble with this myself because of relationship issues that caused me to wait. I have a 5 year old boy and a 1 year old boy who constsntly are fighting over toys and just about everything. The older one is jealous since he was spoiled for 4 years before baby #2 came around. I think that if I had #2 a year sooner, there would be slightly less refereeing and more playing. My brother is 5 years younger than me and we fought all the time too, then I see friends who had sibblings closer in age and they were the best of friends, but that isn't always the case. I would go for it now while you are 31, I am 36 and thinking about #3, and I just got back to sleeping 8 hours a night.... and do I want to get fat again at 37? But if I were 31, hell, I'd do it. But you have a daughter and having a baby brother or sister may bring out a beautiful motherly affection to a baby sibbling. You also need to look at where YOU want to be in 5 years, ten years, want a foursome to go on vacations and to fairs and museums or is three satisfying?!? I have friends happy with 3 kids and friends happy with 1. It is a big decision and a well thought out plan may be best. Even through all the fighting, I do see how cute it is when my older boy shows off his baby brother to his friends and holds his hand in the wading pool at the park district pool. I know that they will have good times together when the little one can keep up. Whatever you decide must be right for the three of you.
J.

My husband and I recently made the decision to only have 1 child. Our circumstances are different (I am 40, our son almost 3 and is adopted as we were unable to have children). We planned on adopting a 2nd child and even started the process and stuck with it for 1 1/2 years but I finally got to the point where I was happy with one and did not feel like going through the "baby" stuff again. Although it was a hard decision (especially since most people will tell you, not in the nicest of ways, too, that you should definitely NOT have just 1 child and give you a zillion reasons why) I am happy with it (it's just been about 3 months since we decided). Just do what's in your heart - no one can make the decision for you and shouldn't tell you what you should do. Hang in there!

S.,

I was always told you will know when you are done. My first was a boy and I said if my second was a girl I was done. My second was a girl and although I did not want more at that time I did not feel as though I was done. When I got prgnant with my third I KNEW I was done. I think your not done. After you have that second one you will not have a second thought after they arrive.

God Bless!

Hi, S.. I understand your dilemma completely! The decision is easy for me because I'm not in a serious relationship, let alone married. And I don't want to create another child outside of marriage (I'd hate to have to tell my parents again, and I don't like the instability of not being married and having to deal with courts and child support again). My daughter who's 7 is also a lonely-only. There are times I think maybe I want another and should finally settle down with someone. But, like you, I don't want to screw things up with my daughter. We have a great relationship! She gets all the one-on-one from me. Although this would be a great time to have another baby, since my daughter could help in some ways (watching the baby while I cook dinner, for example), I just don't want to start over. And if I had another child, that means less one-on-one time for my daughter, who would probably find some way to rebel against the lack of attention. Your son is still young enough where he could very easily adjust. But I would say if you're not sure if you want to take that plunge, then it's probably better to err on the side of caution and not have the baby right now. If you get to the point where you're not questioning it anymore, then that's the time to definitely jump right in, since there would be no hesitation! Good luck!

M.
www.spiceglamup.com

Put your future where it belongs and that is in God's hands. Relax and enjoy what you have now. God will take care of the rest. He will take care of your needs and your hearts true desires in His time.

S.,

I struggle w/ the same decision myself. I have a 5 year old girl and want another one, but don't know if I want to start all over again. She is so independent now and barely any work. We totally enjoy each other and have a lot of fun together.

We too tried for a short time, but w/o any success. I taught elementary and am looking forward to the possibility of going back to work soon.

However, my mother died a couple of weeks ago and I see how important it is to have my sibling. We have been of great help to each other, especially w/ taking care of my father. I can't imagine my daughter going through these things w/o sibling.

I think the question you have to ask yourself is in 15-20 years will you regret not having another child? If the answer is yes. Then do it and don't look back! You won't regret it!

I am 38 years old, so my situation is a little different. However, I think we are going to try one more time for another one. My luck I'll end up w/ twins. Haha!

Take Care! Put it in God's hands!

D.

S., I completely know how you feel. My husband and I have a 3 1/2 year old son who is the best kid ever and we were both content with just having him. I had been struggling with my birth control for about a year and finally it got to the point where I was 10 days late(still taking the pill) and had all of the symptoms of being pregnant. Scared and upset I finally broke down in tears to my husband and he was completely fine with the idea of a second child after 3 years of saying he only wanted one. So I took a test and it was negative so I was kind of upset since I had talked myself into a second child. After talking to my husband later that night we decided to try for a second and see what would happen. It took 15 months to get pregnant with our 1st son and now we are happily expecting a little girl in November. We were shocked to find out that it happened with in the first month. My son is soooo excited to be a big brother he tells everyone. It will be a huge adjustment but God doesnt throw anything at us we cannot handle. Hope this helps and good luck on your decesion.

I'm agonizing over the decision too! I have a happy healthy 3 year old and am 31 also! Our "Master Plan" was to start trying when he turned 3...but then that birthday came and I'm not so sure. I feel like everything is "perfect" now also and we have decided to wait another year or two and decided that if we for some reason "can't" get pregnant we are good with our JJ.

My son and I are very active and I don't feel I could do all this stuff with him and have a newborn, but think when he is older it may be a little easier. I have to say I think about it every time I snuggle with my friends little 1 year old though!

Oh yes!! My kids are now 9 years apart. Some other things happened and I was having health issues, so I consider our second, a miracle baby. I too believe that only children do well, love being a mom and didn't want to rock the boat, but after being ill, wanted my daughter to have a sibling. I have three. You know what, they love each other and have a good relationship. I am glad I had another and that God blessed that after everything I had been going through. God bless you in your decision and you will know when and if the time is right. My second was born when I was 40. You are young, take your time and enjoy!

How does your husband feel? He may have the same worries and you should really talk it out together.

For us...my husband was so hesitant that we waited until our son was 6 before his little sister came along. I can honestly say he has truly benefitted from having a younger sibling. We have no trouble equally dividing our attention and it's taught him a little responsibility along the way. She's only a year old but they truly love playing with eachother. I always thought the age gap would be too much but it actually worked out for the better, he can help out with her (not diapers of course lol) but with watching her for a few minutes while I take a shower, cooking dinner, etc.

My husband and I were only blessed with one child, a son. He is the greatest 17 year old anyone could ask for, but I know he would have loved to have a brother or sister when he was younger, but now that he is older he says my life was great just the way it was. He has told us that being an only child has it's advantages, "I never had to share my toys with a brother or sister." We always thought that would be a minus because he would never learn to share, but he will be going to school this fall to study in the ministry / missionary field. He learned to share he is share himself, and all he has where ever he will be called to.
So my advice is simple if you are apprehensive about have another baby now, I would wait, the Lord may be telling you it is not time. I would also really sit down and talk to your husband about how you are feeling. Our husbands can really hold a lot of wisdom.

Blessing,
S.

I am sure that only children turn out just fine....but.....I am so thankful to have 2 sisters and 2 brothers now that we are adults. My husband has 2 brothers. We have such great times when we all get together. It is wonderful to have the friendship and support of siblings. It is wonderful to watch our children now have cousins to grow up with. Yes there are always friends....but that is never the same as siblings....siblings are family for life!

My best friend is an only child and she married an only child. I feel sad for them because they are all they have (besides their parents). She always tells me how great it is to have such a big family and how cool it is to have such great brothers and sisters.

I also have an almost 3 year old daughter....and a 7 month old daughter. It is so amazing to watch how much they already love each other and I just know they will grow up to be great friends. I love that they will always have each other in life.

S.,
You sound like a very smart lady. You are thinking about it prior to. Most women don't do that. If you are happy with the way things are and your husband is to, I think you should just be happy together and continue with you family. I myself made the decision to only have one and I am glad I stuck to my guns on it. We are very happy this way, not overwhelmed or stretched too far trying to care for many children. And I had gotten a lot of pressure from family to have more kids. But they are not the ones who have to care and raise the child. You should do what your insticts are telling you.
Take care,
S. T.

I would have loved to have had three but it wasn't in God's plan. I come from a family of three girls and have loved having two older sisters. I have always believed that my son was the greatest present that I ever gave my daughter - and she claims him as her best friend (13 year; 10 years). Could that change? I have often told them that it is up to them and they hold the power to remain friends or not. Whatever your decision, I hope you find peace with it. Every pregnancy is different; my daughter's was challenging; my son's was a walk in the park and 5 days late! I'm so sorry about your miscarriage - that must have been so emotionally hard. I can tell you are very analytical - thinking this through very carefully, doing research on an "only child". I would go with what your heart is telling you. What is your husband's decision???? For me, the the regret is stronger if you don't go for it than if you decide to stop when you are not sure you're ready to stop - whatever that magic number is. My sister was terribly upset that # 6 didn't happen! I know I have wrestled with not having three but I have been blessed with two and that's a great thing, too. Good luck to you and your family!

I was an only-child and very lonely. I would have LOVED a sibling to weather life with. Also, I know a woman who stopped at 2--she is 50y/o now and isn't trying to get pregnant but says isn't trying not to either and would be thrilled if she did. She REALLY regrets all those years she could have had more and did not. They have a business, a new, custom home and are quite well off but she'd trade it all for more kids. In the end, it's not the things you want at your bedside, it's your family, your kids. I think they are a great comfort as we age. Take the plunge and have more--you'll just end up with more grandkids to love! :D