Allowing a Sleepover at My Sister and Sister's Boyfriend's House

I suggest that you're over thinking this with a focus on what may happen. I suggest you talk over your concerns with your sister and the two of you make a plan that helps you feel more secure about the sleepovers.

How old are your children? Unless they're tweens or older, they aren't interested in your sister's relationship what it is or isn't. I wouldn't be concerned about the couple fighting because your girls will only be with them briefly. Most couples, and you say he is caring, won't fight while kids are with them.

About the possibility he may be a pedophile: that's very much unlikely. Actually, it's absurd. I investigated sex offenses. Less than 1% of men are pedophiles. Less than! Even if he were a part of the possible .5%, pedophiles groom their victims before molesting them. An overnight now and then really doesn't give a pedophile enough time to groom them. Do you trust your sister? Would she allow her boyfriend to hurt them? You do know your sister. She will be there. Why do you need to know her boyfriend better?

I wonder why you're so focused on the possibility of your girls being molested. Such a focus is unhealthy for your girls. I hope you want them to grow up and have healthy relationships with men. Ihope you will want them to live without expecting a.pedophile around the corner. Children rely on parents to keep them safe. I suggest you're giving them the message that they are not safe. That's why you have to work so hard at keeping them safe. The world is so dangerous that you can't even trust your own family. It's good to be remotely aware of sexual issues. It's not helpful for them to be at the front of your mind.

If you can't let go of your fear that your daughters will be molested, I urge you to get help. If you go to church, see if the church has available counseling. If not, find a counselor with whom you can build trust and work through this issue.

I agree with Margie C. You handled this really poorly. Whether or not you're over-protective isn't the issue, it's the fact that you were insulting. And I'm guessing that if your sister is living with her boyfriend, in her eyes, they ARE committed - who shacks up with someone without thinking that the relationship has long-lasting potential? It's not like she just met him on tinder a week ago. Pick up the phone and apologize. And next time, keep your reasons to yourself and just politely decline an offer that you're not comfortable with.

I just cringed when I read this ...

As you've already guessed, you handled this really poorly. The guy hasn't done anything and you basically said "Sorry - thanks but no, he may be a pedophile - we haven't decided yet if hes' ok".

You just didn't need to say it. Or send the link (ugh). I think you could have left it at "Thanks but we're good". Or "Thanks, but we're not comfortable sending them on sleepovers".

You made it personal and assumed the guy might be a sick pervert.

If you do feel that way - you keep it to yourself. Would you have said that to one of their friend's parents? "Sorry no - but here's a link to pedophilia so you can understand my concerns."

I would just apologize - call don't text - and say that you're sorry you've offended them. Say you handled it really poorly and you understand why they are upset.

Was it your prerogative to turn down the offer? Yes, of course.

Was it incredibly insulting to imply that your sister's boyfriend is a pedophile? Yes, of course.

Call her (not text or group message) and apologize for that hurtful implication.

I think there is different comfort levels. You don't even mention the ages of your kids so not really able to chime in on overprotective even if I wanted to.

I am really not sure why your focus is on whether your fears are valid when it is clear your sister is not taking issue with your fears but the ignorant way you addressed it. You pretty much said you think her boyfriend is a pedophile. Your sister has told you nothing that would indicate he is so you also insulted her judgement.

Apologize to your sister for having the grace of a water buffalo and hopefully move on. Also don't assume everyone is out to harm your kids without any proof at all. Believe it or not your sister is not the only person who will find you offensive. Probably harder to find someone who would accept what you said with a smile.

I would not be responding to a group text for matters such as this that do not involve anyone but you, your sister, your children and her bf. Use the phone from now own to speak to your sister so she can hear your tone and from where you are coming from with that tone. When you read a text or a response such as this on a forum, you cannot get the gist of the tone of the poster because you don't hear us. It is important to continue to make phone calls and communicate with people.

If I read what you posted about potential pedophiles, etc and I was your sister, I too would be angry because you insinuated that her bf is a molester or pedophile.

It should have been enough said for you to ONLY say you don't know him well enough yet. Based on their relationship you describe, I probably would decline the offer because I wouldn't want my child being witness to fighting, arguing and an unstable home.

You can't live your life in fear because if you do, you will miss out on SO much. You can lose a child just by walking down the street, riding a bike, playing out back, etc.

Try to control your fears so you raise healthy children. Of course you need to be aware, just don't live in fear.

How old are the children?

welcome to mamapedia.

How old are your kids? IF they are 2 and 4? I'd say no too. We tried it with my parents in their motor home. I ended up getting them at 1AM because it wasn't familiar with me there.

now that they are 14 and 16? No issues.

I would TALK WITH YOUR SISTER FACE-TO-FACE. You need to leave your mom out of it. This is NOT about HER, this is about your relationship with your sister. You need to tell her your thought process FACE-TO-FACE NOT on social media, cell phone - ANY electronics.

Your mom needs to butt out of your relationship with your sister. She needs to let the two of you resolve this.

Whether your fears are justified or not, you need to learn that there are some things you simply do not say out loud! (or on "whatsapp chat") Please understand that you just flat out accused her boyfriend of being a child molester! He's never done anything to make you feel uncomfortable around him. He's never treated your girls badly or done anything creapy. He just happens to be a guy who's living with your sister. Don't you think you'd be horrified if your sister did that to you?

She is your sister. Do you trust your sister? Do you trust her judgement? Do you believe her to love your girls? Do you believe that she will protect and care for them? If so, you have to trust that she would not let anything happen to them and that she would kick him out in a heartbeat if there were any signs that he was going to do anything to them.

But to answer your question, yes you are absolutely being overprotective. Just because pedophiles are more likely to be someone you already know does not mean that your children are likely to come across a pedophile. Just because hurricanes are more likely to occur in Mobile, Alabama than where you live doesn't mean they happen every day. Do you live in fear of ever going to the ocean?

You should have just said thank you for the offer, but no, we aren't ready for the girls to do that yet. Then change the subject. You should not have said anything about waiting to have a good relationship with someone first (implying otherwise with them). You should not have brought up pedophiles. I'm afraid you completely insulted them! You are right to not let your kids do the sleepover though...that is good parenting. PS - Often the parents DO have a very good relationship with the pedophile so do not use that as an argument. They will come across as a very nice person who truly loves their kids.

Were you insulting? Yes. Overprotective? NO!

It would be helpful to know the ages of your children. That does make a difference!

Very young children prefer the security of their own home, their own parents, so unless it's
really an emergency, I'm not sure why you would even consider a sleepover. Very young children either can't or are limited in their ability to contact you if they feel uncomfortable for whatever reason or see things that frighten or disturb them.

Older kids, just say, for example, 10 and above can contact you if they feel uncomfortable (sister and boyfriend start fighting).

Even if you trust your sister 100%, you have only interacted with this man on three occasions.
I AM NOT at all suggesting he's a pedophile, but it is clear he is a relative stranger to you. You have described him as having "insecurity and jealousy" issues and say that he and your sister "have been fighting a lot." Why would anyone think it's a good idea to allow a sleepover under these circumstances? What is the harm in waiting until your children are older and until you get to know him better and are satisfied that he and your sister have a healthy relationship? DON'T let ANYONE badger you into making parenting decisions that YOU are not comfortable with. PERIOD.

YOU DECIDE when your children are ready for sleepovers. You don't have to explain your reasons to anyone, and as you have learned, it is best to just say something like, "We're not doing sleepovers yet." Leave it at that.

At some point, you will be ready to consider sleepovers. Allowing your children to sleep elsewhere will depend on your comfort level with the people hosting the sleepover and on your children's comfort levels. Depending on your children's ages, you may want to start having conversations with them now about the possibility of sleepovers in the future, and ask how they feel about that.

As for the issue between you and your sister, talk with her directly, preferably face to face (definitely NOT text, email, FB, or Whatsapp). Sincerely apologize for going overboard. Make sure she understands that you do not consider her boyfriend a pedophile. Let her know that you got caught up in intensity of the article, and you did not mean to suggest that it applied to him. Again, don't over explain here, because sometimes the more words you use, you just dig yourself into a deeper hole. Just sincerely, profusely apologize. Tell her you hope that she and her boyfriend can forgive you for your lapse.

Don't talk to your mom about this other than to say "it's between Lucy and me, mom" if she keeps bringing it up and texting you about it. It seems like your mom is stirring the pot unnecessarily, and no good can come of that if you keep allowing her to do it. Just don't engage with her on this topic.

Wishing you the best with this. Lesson learned. Make your own parenting choices. Be secure and confident in them so you don't feel the need to justify them to others.

Always, always follow your instinct. It's not about how the adults feel in this, but how you feel. No, you don't want to insult and offend but you do have to stand on your own beliefs.

The only time I've ever regretted a parental decision is when I went against what I call my "mom alarm." Some may call it maternal instinct. Bottom line, these are YOUR kids, this is YOUR call and it sounds to me like your alarm went of so follow that like it's your north star and they'll be fine. If, in your analysis, you think that perhaps you went about it badly then own that and apologize for your approach but not your final decision.

Of course, all kinds of possibilities exist. We may get invited to a restaurant and become infected with hepatitis A from a careless employee. We might get food poisoning from a family picnic. We might go on an outing with a friend and be rear-ended by a drunk driver.

Bad things and bad people are in this world, and so are good things and good people.

The important thing is to be vigilant, enjoy things in moderation and safely, and to be discrete. Discretion is where you made your mistake. Being informed is not a problem. Allowing what we read to scare us is a problem.

For example, let's consider lightning strikes. They're real. You can read about them. And then, the question becomes: what do you do with that information? Do you never go outside? Of course not. What you do is add that information to your safety plan. If a thunder and lightning storm comes up suddenly, you get your kids off the ball field, out of the pool, away from large trees, and you take appropriate steps to get to a safe place. But you don't tell your kids' little league coach on a clear storm-free day that he's putting the kids in danger of being struck by lightning. Now, if he insists they keep playing when lightning is visible in the area and the storm is increasing, you tell him he's putting your kids in danger and you take over.

As you stated, your sister's boyfriend is not perfect. But he hasn't raised any red flags about pedophilia or other evils. So you could have said "no thanks, we just don't know Bill well enough yet, and the kids are so young", or you could have said "thank you for that lovely offer; Friday would be great (assuming your kids are teens or tweens and reasonably intelligent and careful)".

Now, you need to speak to your sister in person and apologize. You should tell her that you have allowed things that you read to affect you to an extreme degree, and that you're going to be much more cautious in the future - cautious about letting the internet drive your decisions instead of simply allowing the internet to help you be informed. Tell her that you did not mean to imply that her boyfriend is a pedophile. Tell her you spoke carelessly. Ask for her forgiveness. Tell her that what you read about pedophilia and her boyfriend have no relationship whatsoever.

I think it's naive to think that you'll be able to tell who a pedophile is. Mostly, pedophiles are the nicest people, because that's how they get kids to trust them enough to get close. So, a seemingly nice person could just as easily (and more likely) be a pedophile. So tying this guy to an article you posted was, of course, insulting. The problem is that you said kids can't stay over "until we know someone well and have a good relationship." That's EXACTLY the relationship a pedophile looks for. So I think you missed the point of the article if that's how you're making your decision.

The bigger problem I see is that there is fighting in the house, and I would presume that your sister is distracted. He's insecure and jealous, and your kids don't need to be around that. Yeah, you maybe don't want them getting too attached to someone if the relationship isn't committed, but honestly, a marriage could break up too and the kids would have to deal with the loss.

I think the best you could have done was to say that the kids don't yet know the boyfriend. Period. Or they don't stay over anywhere (if that's the case).

But if you're undergoing such severe stress that you really could benefit from having someone help you out, I wonder that you didn't look at this a different way.

Unfortunately, you kind of dissed your sister publicly. People put stuff in text messages or on Facebook (and certainly on Mamapedia!) without thinking. And of course, the written word, even if well thought out, lacks tone and context. Too many of us let it substitute for verbal communication (face to face or phone call).

I think your best bet is to use your current stress as an excuse for overreacting, and tell your sister you're sorry, that you let everything get to you. There are so many things in your life you cannot control and therefore you lashed out at the one area you thought you could control, your kids. From then on, lesson learned - no public debates/discussions on things like this.

What Marda said. Read it and then read it again.

I think it's fine to be cautious and I don't think you have anything to apologize for.
They are your kids - you can be as protective as you want to be!
And I think your sister needs to work out if she's going to marry him or not.
She doesn't need your kids over while she's playing house in order to figure this out.
You've only met him 3 times - he's an acquaintance - if you're not comfortable enough to be able to ask him if he owns a gun and how does he store it and the ammo, then you DON'T know him well enough to trust him with your kids for an over night.

How old are your kids?
Our son didn't do his first overnight away from home till he was 9 yrs old.
He wanted to be home and in his own bed.
When I was growing up we didn't do slumber parties till we were teens.
You take your children s comfort level as a clue as to how ready they are for an over night over other family members ideas about how you should be raising your kids.

I think the issue here, other than the safety of your children, is your relationship with your sister.

How old is your sister? How long has she been dating the guy? These days, many adults have "alternative" relationships - they might decide to live together forever without getting married!!

Do you want your children to "get to know" your sister's guy? If so, start planning now - lunches together (with you there), trips to the playground (with you there), etc.

Your children will not magically develop a good friendship with your sister's guy without some real effort on your part. I suggest that you put in that effort - to help your relationship with your sister!!

I think it is your choice where your kids spend time. However, you don't have a relationship with this guy but you do have one with your sister. If she's not capable of taking care of them then don't send them. If she's a caring and capable person then you can't say anything else. She can have a dozen people over to her house while your kids are present and you have no say in that, it's her house. Either you trust her or you don't.

As for the pedophile thing, it's the ones you do trust that are the more likely ones to be that way. They work hard to get the parents to trust them so the parents say things like "Mind Uncle Joe while you're at his house" "Be sure to do what Uncle Joe says when you're there"....they want to have that to use as their power. "Your mom trusts me kiddo, she also told you to mind me while you're here so come over here and sit by me".

You never truly know anyone.

The reason "I" would say no isn't because he might be an abuser but it would be because they fight? Argue? when they're in their own home. I would tell them that the kids aren't used to discord like that and you don't want them around that.