I'm Being Treated like a Pedophile

If they say this about all men, then this is just their way of protecting their child and it's not personal about you. If they said it specifically about you, then you should find out why they have that perception and what created that fear.

And I agree 100% with B

And, I think you are a troll. But whatever...

Ugh. The stigma of man/child closeness.
Ever wonder why you never see a diaper commercial with a dad diapering a baby? In reality -- such a common situation and a large demographic if men would relate personally to that task/bind, etc, yet to actively MARKET to it? Unheard of.
I agree with Jo that this is the parents issue.
(Yes, we need to prepare out kids age appropriately for the underbelly of the world).
I would certainly have a conversation about this with those making the comments. Maybe there is molestation by an uncle in the past? Who knows?

Did you ever think that maybe they are just trying to get their 9 yr old to act more like a lady instead of jumping on guys and hanging all over them?
At 9 she's not a little kid anymore.
Whether you accept it or not is irrelevant - her parents can raise her any way they want to - just like you can raise your boys any way you want to.
To take offense because your niece isn't jumping on you - is kind of weird.
It's also weird that you and they are all taking this so personally to the point where it's destroying your marriage.

J., 9 year olds are terrible historians, meaning they don't replay and relay conversations very accurately. At the same time, they don't make up sexually inappropriate touches either

You are letting some serious miscommunication, handed down through a 9 year old, ruin your mental status with 'false' accusations of you being a pedophile.

I don't see where they said that, what's interesting, is that you used that term first.

It appears the family is not very sophisticated and fumbled in how to teach their daughter about appropriate versus non-appropriate touch, or good versus bad touch.

Your behavior and reactions seems to be off IMHO. The guilt, the waiting to discuss with your wife, the needing an apology. What is the possibility that you in-laws are not bad people, but misdirected in how they approached this?

Yes, you and your wife need some help to navigate this huge road block. It shouldn't be destroying your marriage, if the accusations are false.

This doesn't sound quite right.

First off, I can see a child being told by their parent that, just in case a relative touches her inappropriately, she should tell. Children are most likely molested by relatives and other trusted adults. My guess is that your niece was either sharing that information with you in a very juvenile way or that she'd been warned about appropriate/inappropriate behavior with adults and was processing it out loud.

Children are not known for their filters.
But for you to tell her that her parents are crazy doesn't sound quite appropriate to be honest. A more to-the-point, reassuring response would be "sweetie, I completely respect you and would never do that. I'm glad you know about being safe with other adults.Your parents are right."

You were offended, however, the onus is on you as the adult to respond in a way which is least confusing to the child, and to be respectful of her parents. You did neither.

I'd say that if you waited a week to bring it up, there are some sort of issues going on. I don't know. I might have taken the parents aside and said "Niece had mentioned XYZ to me. I was surprised, and I also wanted you to know how I responded. (explanation) Please know that I take being an uncle very seriously and will always back you up in these sorts of matters. And please feel free to come talk to me if something comes up that concerns you. I always want to keep the kids safe."

Do you see how a more open and frank approach might have opened the door for a different conversation? Yes, kids generally steer clear of adults who make them feel bad or uncomfortable, however, parents might have their own baggage. You had an opportunity to put them at their ease and it's too bad that you are now deciding you're being treated as pedophile.

Listen, we have had a couple of sexual molestations happen in our neighborhood. One thing that makes me wonder is that your MIL apologized; I'm sorry, but it's not my experience that people who are convinced of a person's being a predator will every apologize. Never. Not even to be polite. At least, from my perspective. You don't apologize because you KNOW that person is/was an offender in some way. Unless you are some sort of svengali, it wouldn't make sense that they would be convinced you are a possible predator and worry that they've offended YOU. They'd likely just say "well, this is what we saw that gave us concern".

I think there's more going on that a couples counselor needs to attend to, not strangers on a forum. I'm not dissing you for asking, but for many of us moms, we have men in our childrens lives we know and trust. Some women HAVE had bad experiences as children and were molested or worse-- and we do hope those people are able to get help and heal from those events, which are very, very damaging. This isn't a one-way street: the compassion needs to go both ways.

J.,

Welcome to mamapedia! This is an interesting first question!

I can't believe you are letting them bully you. That's what it is. You are hiding and letting them destroy your life. If these allegations/accusations are NOT true? Then you need to show up. Face them and deal with this.

When you stay home or not go? You are giving credence to their accusations.

A nine year old girl - child - doesn't matter - girl or boy - should NOT be jumping on people - she's not 2 years old.

I have a three red flags that stand out -
1. I already mentioned - you are refusing to confront - so is there truth to the allegations?
2. You waited ONE WEEK to tell your wife of the allegations. Sorry - but from my point of view? That means you didn't trust her enough to know she'd back you. Which leads me to #3...
3. Your wife didn't back you. She made excuses for her family "that's just how they are" - REALLY?? Do they accuse EVERY man of being a pedophile or just you?

It's great that your niece felt comfortable enough with you to tell you the accusations against you. Does she understand the implications? Better question is DO YOUR ACCUSERS understand the implications of their accusations?? This could ruin your life and your reputation - and your wife doesn't have your back - if ANYONE tells a person like a day care provider, school teacher, etc. this information - a case will be opened against you. You WILL be interrogated. Does your wife not get that? Do these ignorant people she calls family understand that??

If the allegations are NOT true - DO NOT stay home. CONFRONT THEM HEAD ON. Tell your wife she needs to support YOU and have your back. Tell your niece that it is NOT acceptable to jump on people - no matter how much you love them.

Good luck!!

No one called you a pedophile. They were trying to give the good touch bad touch talk to her and it went sideways. You have 2 choices here. Either you accept the apology and move on figuring that everyone makes mistakes or you don't a keep distancing yourself from your wife's family. Really it's just that easy.

You niece is now 9 yrs old and you should start to treat her like the young lady she's become. My granddaughter is 8 and she doesn't jump on or hang all over anyone except her parents. I think you need to accept that your niece isn't that little child you were able to cuddle and tickle when she was little and rethink how to connect with her and what you want from your relationship with her moving forward.

If you choose to put this aside then give her a hug when you see her and allow her to hold your hand or sit next to you instead of climbing on you. You can have a close relationship without her using you as a jungle gym. If you choose to keep the family out of your life then you are going to destroy your marriage because you will be making your wife live 2 separate lives; one that's just your core family and a second that's just her family.

There are parents out there that think they can do stupid things and protect their children from all the harm in the world. I say stupid because these people don't tend to be very bright. They think predators are easy to spot and they know how. It isn't the uncle your girl runs to who is abusing them, it is he uncle they don't want to be around.

I don't mean by unnatural means like saying to a child he likes to be around you too much. Why would he want to be around you you are just a child. As I said up there stupid things, things that tear down their self confidence, their ability to judge adults. I mean what do you think the effect is of telling your kid I know you sense he is safe but you are wrong because you are young and don't know better. So then they come upon a real predator and fall for it because he isn't opening enjoying their company. He doesn't do anything to get mom's hackles up. Nope mom likes him.

How any of this helps you, it doesn't. I have been trying for years to convince these women their thinking is wrong. Most kids are never harmed, thank god. Still we have to encourage our kids to develop their own sense of what is right and wrong. We can't tear their judgment down and replace it with paranoia because it never works. Even if they are never attacked they also start sucking at picking friends and eventually spouses.

Bigger issue you don't address: Why doesn't your wife have your back here? Is she the one who told you "that's how they are, it's their way of protection" as you say above?

Did she get her mother to apologize to you? If so, that's actually good;but it's her family so it's her job to deal with them and their sick idea of "protection." She should be the first to defend you, rather than trying to excuse her family's treatment of you.

Why is this destroying your marriage? You really need to answer that for yourself. Is it because you're furious that your wife won't stand up for you with her family? Because you're hurt that she essentially defends them to you rather than the other way around? Does she, herself, seem to have suspicions about you that she won't express to you? I wonder if her family is influencing her thoughts about you. Have you talked with her about that?

Likely there are other issues between you and her that go beyond this one issue of "they're telling our niece I will touch her inappropriately." That can't be the whole problem. It sounds as if you married into a family where only your wife wants to tolerate you, and she isn't doing much of a job of that.

Please get professional couples therapy immediately or, yes, her adherence to her family over her adherence to you will drive you apart. You need to learn to stand up for yourself in these situations, and she needs to learn to stand up for both of you if her family is controlling.

This is "destroying your marriage?" Seriously??

There has got to be more to this story that you are not telling us. Your niece's mother apologized to you. Your wife is telling you that your niece's family is just overprotective. End of story. It doesn't matter if you feel the SIL's apology felt empty to you...please don't criticize other's level of sincerity when they apologize. You take the apology and move forward.

What did your SIL say when she apologized and what did you say? DId she explain herself? Did she say they had a conversation about all men/boys being potential threats or did she specifically state, "Stay away from Uncle J. because he might try to touch your private parts and butt." If she specifically stated that to her daughter then you ask the SIL what you have done to make her be suspicious of you. Talk about it...get it out in the open. Get together with all four of you adults and discuss this. You staying away from all family gatherings is going to drive a wedge..and a very immature way about dealing with family conflict.

I don't see this as the niece's family portraying YOU as a pedophile. They are just going waaaay overboard on telling her not to let any man touch her...any man..not just Uncle J.. A lot of parents are paranoid to the point of putting fear in their kids instead of teaching and empowering.

If the niece tells your sons then you just talk to your sons about the situation. I don't see this as a biggie. It will open up conversation to flow about sex and appropriate touching. Kids need these talks often.

If this is destroying your marriage then you all do need help. Please seek a counselor to help you with this situation.

Really? This is destroying your marriage? You are saying the accusations are true? I'd love to hear the whole story behind this, like Momma W? I feel there is more that is going on.

Did your in-laws actually tell you to your face you are a pedophile and this is why we believe you are a pedophile? Or did your niece tell you her version of what they said? Did your inlaws tell your niece you are a pedophile?

You need to address your in-laws directly. I agree with others, if you don't show up? You are hiding and ashamed. Are you hiding? Are you ashamed?

Address the issue. Now.

Tell your wife that you are hurt that she does not have your back with her family.

I think you should talk with your wife, and talk with your neice's mother (your sister in law, I'm guessing?). I would make it clear how offended you are. You are a father, a husband, a good man. You and every other man does not deserve to be lumped into this misandrist generalization that men are predators just because they are men. That's ridiculous.

I'd put it like this to the sister in law: "How would you feel if someone told your husband that he couldn't be trusted around little girls? That he might touch their butts or privates?" Or, "How would you feel if I said that you shouldn't be around little boys?"

Of course she'd be outraged. Because the statement is outrageous. And you need to say something as soon as possible and make it clear that they need to straighten this issue out and put a stop to such talk.

Why would you let this destroy your marriage? This is much more about them than you. As you said, their belief is that all men are bad, all men are pedophiles. You can not change that.

This is a tough one! If they specifically told your niece that YOU might do these things, there are two possibilities:

One, maybe they don't fully trust you and it makes them uncomfortable that she jumps on you, so they told her this.

Two, maybe they are very concerned about sexual predators and are trying to let her know that these kinds of things happen.

Either way, I believe they went about it the wrong way. If they don't like her jumping on you, they should discourage her from doing that, and let you know that they prefer no (or not so much) physical touch. To specifically name you as a potential predator as a way to buffer her is inappropriate IMO. Great to tell kids that anyone touching them in the wrong way is never ok, no matter who it is. I created an awareness for my daughter, but didn't turn her against specific people.

We are supposed to teach children to trust their gut. To name you as someone to avoid without cause will only serve to make this child mistrust her own intuition, this is a problem!

What they should do, if they are concerned (in general or for a specific reason, which is certainly their prerogative) then they should supervise her, or avoid you without calling you out.

My FIL used to kiss my daughter all the time, she didn't like it and I didn't either. He is the greatest guy, just made us a little uncomfortable. Never did I say anything to my daughter, other than 'you never have to kiss anyone you don't want to'. We just explained to my FIL that we're not cool with this, not that he did anything wrong, just stop. He did and that was that.

Obviously, if they have a specific reason to want to avoid you, I hope it comes to light to be addressed. And I know you have your niece's safety in mind. Hard not to take things personally, I'm sure. Your wife needs to be on your side, but no one can change these people. So even though I explained why what they are doing is probably more harmful than good, it is how they are.

I'm not sure why this is destroying your marriage. You need to ultimately make sure things are right with your family. Once that is secure, you can include other people. Don't punish your niece, and don't grand-stand by declaring you will never visit them. This is their issue, if you get right with your wife and you family, the rest can work itself out better.

This sucks but don't break up a family over it. A weird way to protect their daughter. Just try to forget it. She apologized. Please move on, no one is perfect.

I know family's like this. They don't allow sleepovers in houses where there are older brothers either.

They honestly believe that there is a 50/50 chance that all men will touch their daughters. It's really sad. I think you just have to accept that that's how they are and move on.

i can't figure out what you're saying, your pronouns are squishy and vague.
stay away from the child. altogether. period.
why is it destroying your marriage? does your wife think you're a pedophile?
khairete
S.

Do you feel comfortable talking to your sister in law directly to get an idea how this information was actually shared with your niece. It sounds really bad but it could be that she was just learning about inappropriate touching and such and the conversation wasn't actually directed at you.
If your SIL apologized and it seemed sincere, I would let it go. If your gut is telling you that there is more to this, I would be very careful about the time you spend with them.

I think it is terribly sad nowadays that too many people, men and women are suffering from good intentions: which is that in all reality she was probably told she shouldn't be hanging on men at her age, the good talk bad talk taken place and she misconstrued her affection for you to include you.Or said it wrong and it is tearing you apart. While her mom apologized it doesn't make even the most secure person in this day and age feel comfortable. You want it to go away. The what if's are worse than the reality oftentimes. It is probably not messing up your marriage, you are in all likelihood feeling very alone with your worries and wasn't sure even what your wife would think.You are a father of boys and boys (mother of two sons here) wrestle, kick, karate chop, touch in all sorts of ways and you are used to that.Girls-different issue. My husbands family is from a different culture,they are hugging and kissing everyone all over the place. I am affectionate but actually more reserved than they are.Call a counselor or a priest or someone to vent until you feel secure. I am actually going to choose to believe you here and wish you the best of luck.

If this is true in every way you have portrayed here, I am wondering why it took this long (your niece is 9) for "them" to say it? Is it because they were upset with her for jumping on you and hanging on you, so they were trying to frighten her to get her to stop? Is it because you let her sit on your lap and they blame you for it?

Again, if it is as you say here, it sounds to me like the ones saying it are being this way across the board (the remark "it's the way they are"). (At least, I would hope so.) Does the father show a lot of affection to his child? I wonder how he would feel if someone accused him of possibly being a pedophile...

You said that this is destroying your marriage. Why? Your wife is forcing you to see this family now that they've made these accusations? She doesn't have the right. Did your niece's mother make the accusation, or was it her husband? You say she apologized, but did that family take back what they said to your niece? If they didn't, her apology doesn't matter. She has ruined you with her niece.

If I were you, I would not take your boys or you to any family functions if they are there. If your wife doesn't like it, then she needs to face down the adults in this family and demand that they apologize, talk to their daughter, and make this right. If she is unwilling to do that, this is ALL ON HER. I would no longer discuss this issue with your wife after you tell her your decision. Just the thought that she would even go herself to see these people makes my blood run cold. She is putting them over you and letting them get away with calling you a pedophile.

Now, if you have NOT told us the actual truth here, if you've left out facts that would change my answer, then my answer may be different. But this is how I see things on the face of it.