Seeking Advice on How to Handle a Situation

You've gotten enough this is normals. I agree this is normal, but the family reacting like this is not! They mustn't have any children of their own. It sounds like they're the ones that need to see a specialist!

He's 5 for goodness sake! Id have their reaction if he was 10 or more, but a 5 year old! There is absolutly nothing wrong with your son and your fiances family needs a serious talking to. They need to know they are the ones with the problem! Yes, talk to your son about privacy and that his body is his an others should not touch or look at and that other people's bodys are theirs and for not for him to touch or look at.

I.,

I take it "your" son is also your fiance's. This is very normal behavior with young children. Like all the counselor's have said-take your son aside and explain to him that it is not appropriate behavior. We keep that stuff private. And both you and your fiance should sit down with the family and let them know that you have taken care of the situation and relay what the counselors have told you.

I work in a daycare--I've experienced these kinds of things before-with children showing themselves to others on the playground, etc. This is the same approach that we use with them. We do talk with the parents also, so they can reiterate what we've told the children about inappropriate behavior.

Good Luck!

Wow this is a hard one. My first question is how does your fiance feel about the situation? Does it bother him to take you and your son back around his family? If not, then I would say you need to go. He wants you to be a part of his life and this just may be a situation that needs to be confronted heads on. In laws can be the biggest obstacle in a marriage. I would cut the holiday gathering short or even leave if inappropriate behavior is directed to you or your son during the time you are at the gathering.

As for your son. If he now understands that what he did was inappropriate I would have him apologize to not only the little girl but her parents as well. This is a hard one but it will do two things. (1) That we always have to take responsibility for our actions (yes even at 5) and (2) Our actions always effect others. This may also go a long way in repairing the families perception of your son. Let him be the "bigger" person. Sometimes grown ups learn the most from children. It sounds like your son can teach your soon to be in law's a few things about humility and understanding.

However, don't let it be a situation where your son is in any way condemed or made to feel bad. He is five and the in laws need to understand that this is just the beginning of a series of situations and questions about his body and others.

The best of luck. I hope this helps a little.

I think u were given good advice about the bahvior being normal for kids of this day and age and needs no more than explaination that his behavior toward a girl in that manner is not accepted and has consequences.Family handels things differently but ur family sounds like my husbands use to be towards me and I solved that my opening my mouth and letting them know that I wasnt going to accept that kind of direspect and that if they continued their behavior they could expect the same from me. I tell them what I think and I allow them to be offended. You should tell anyone and everyone who is speaking bad of ur son that u dont accept that in any form and will speak up anytime u hear anything negative about him said. He's a child and as adults they should never speak down about him or to him b/c of what children naturally do...make mistakes. I say you speak up for yourself like I did and have ur husband back u up. My husband told his family that if they didnt accept me, they didnt accept him. They were on me about my young age. Now they treat me like they do him and we have no problems and no back stabbing. Sometimes u have to force respect out of people, but regardless of how u get it all that matters is that u do.

I....
You have done exactly as I would have done... I have been there in a similar situation...And you know what its just kids being kids curious about each others bodies...My son is now ten a healthy happy well adjusted extremely smart little boy who isn't a sex fein. But,,I would not isolate myself from his family.I would tell them what the doctor told you. "ITS NORMAL". Sit your little boy down and tell him about good touch and bad touch and whats in his pants or in anyone elses is private and for there eyes only.

I.,

It sounds like there is something wrong with some of the family members. It seems like they have a personal problem with you instead of your child. However, the remarks made are ridiculous and you should either let them know how you feel or advise your fiance to talk to them. If that does not work, then sometimes it is better to keep your distance with people like that. It seems like they can be very messy and I personally will not associate myself with people who like to keep up mess. It's okay to come around occassionally or even for holidays, but other than that, I would keep my distance.

Hi I.. I'm so sorry to hear of this situation. Our son just turned five and we had to explain this to him earlier this year - not exactly the same situation but close. Did not have the family issue though and that's really what the problem is here. The deal with your son is perfectly normal for this age and I agree with what the counselors and others have told you - sit him down and explain why he shouldn't do this - what is permissable and what isn't. He needs to understand the other side as well - no one should be asking to see 'his' either! As for your fiance's family - they seem pretty uptight to me. Perhaps there is a history here that you are unaware of??? I would ask your fiance and definitely get his support in this. I'm assuming that he is the natural father to your child - either way though, he will be his father and he needs to be supportive of you and his son. I wouldn't, at this point, keep yourself and your son away from your fiance's family. They are soon to be your family too and it's important that you establish the relationship like you plan to go on. I agree with the other mom here - you need to speak up and tell the family that they are incorrect in their assumptions as to what this behavior means... that it is perfectly normal for this age (I remember playing 'doctor'!!!). Let them know, in a nice way, that it's their reaction to this that is what is inappropriate. Perhaps they have different sensibilities, perhaps they are a bit prudish but they need to know that your son doesn't deserve this type of reaction and that you... and your fiance... will stand up in support of him... as you should. Your fiance's support is absolutely necessary - if he isn't going to support you and your son in this then I would question what he would do if something more important, more serious occurred involving you both - especially if it involved you and his family. Don't start off the family relationship by withdrawing from them (even rightly so)... stand up for what you know is right, support your child and let them know, again, nicely at this point, that you expect their support as well. If they don't respond as you hoped - in a reasonable manner - then you might want to think about how to limit your contact with them in the future. Best of luck and Merry Christmas. C.

Kids are curious. Everyone these days is so wound up and ready to point the finger and call names. Dont they remember when they were kids. I do. I "examined" a boy to see the difference and I am not a pedophile or a sexual predator. Tell everyone to cool their jets and realize he is just a kid. Explain to your boy that being curious is normal and he did nothing wrong. Get some books about anatomy and show him and explain the best you can. Any question he might have, do not be embarrassed just answer it in a way that you feel is appropriate. In my opinion, his mother needs to mind her business and let her son live his life.

I agree with everyone it's normal for a 5yo to do things like this. Heck my cousin and I pulled our shirts up in front of our boy cousin once when we were about that age. We got in trouble and never did it again but at the time we didn't know better. My 6yo had the same problem kind of but his was that he grabbed his older brothers privates while playing. I explained to him appropriate and inappropriate touch and told him that b/c he didn't know that he wasn't in trouble but now that he did if he did it again he would be. We had one incident after that but after he was punished it seemed to stick not to do it again. What isn't normal is the way his family is reacting. Someone should remind his mother that in her life she's sure to have had a situation like this happen involving her or her kids. Come on it's too common to not have. They're in the wrong now and i think your doing the right thing by not taking your son around them. At least till they change..if they change. If you hubby(soon to be) supports you and you've handled your child then you're on the right track. You can only do so much and unfortunatly you cant change some peoples minds no matter what so just do you thing and if they come around great and if not maybe they aren't the kind of people you child needs to be around anyway.

Dear I.,
first of all, any adult who doesnt know that kids will be kids, is not really an adult, their just "pretending".
secondly, a five year old is naturally inquisitive about such matters, sexuality and the differences between girls and boys, etc...so dont worry, he is just right with his timing, I have 3 kids of my own. He could never be labeled a "pedophile" right? hes 5 for Christ's sake. Now about the"potential" in laws...they obviously are a different breed of folk, anybody who would call a 5yr old a pedophile has issues of their own, and their issues just might be you, it hurt my feelings reading what they said, so maybe they were trying to hurt yours.After talking to your son about what is appropriate and whats not, you & him should go to the library and find a few beginner reads about the topic, I have had several over the years that will put those situations in laymens terms for him.
Also, be sure that you have the support of your fiancee...you and he should discuss the situation so that you know FOR SURE that he agrees with you about the misconduct of his family, whos to say, he may suffer from " the apple dont fall far from the tree" syndrome and side with his family. So I would recruit his support FIRST, and then there isnt anything you cant conquer together with his fam.Lastly, just love your son, after all he is the future of both families, and i would fall back from bringing him aroung them...its their loss, not his. Who knows, he may grow up to be President, then what will they say about him? :-)The best thing to do about the "Mom" of your fiancee is to just totally stay away...dont give her the satisfaction of knowing whats up with you and your son,,,make them wonder even if you guys have the wedding and everything, fall back from them in every other way, your distance will eventually speak drones about your character and the character of your precious son. Good Luck Girl!!!
J.

That sounds totally outrageous that they would make those judgements and condemn you and your 5 year old child because he is curious about sex!!! I am appalled. Maybe your fiance needs to sit down with his family and set them in their place because it sounds like they have another issue with you and are using that as a excuse. If you are around them and it comes up, just tell them you already had a talk with him about that, kids are so innocent at that age. I would be totally hurt if my future family members were saying those hurtful things about my child.