Does This Count as an Apology?

I bet what she meant is that she is sorry that it had to happen how it did, but she still thinks she did the best thing under the circumstances. That's how you can be sorry but still do it again.

Nope not in my books. If someone is truly sorry they would actually regret doing what they did. They wouldn't do it again. So no not an apology.

I don't think you can be truly sorry for doing something if you would do it again. Perhaps she's regretful at the outcome, but she's not sorry for the act.

No, in fact it's a complete contradiction in one short sentence.

:(

yes, i think it does. in a very simple sense an apology tacitly implies the wrongdoer regrets the action, but real life is often more complicated than the simple scenario allows. and in this case that's certainly true.
it sounds as if she is very sorry for the pain and disruption her departure must have brought into your life, but that her reasons for leaving were real and valid. this is conversation that needs to take place face-to-face. the internet is a wonderful thing, but important conversations just should never take place here.
khairete
S.

I kept thinking about your post last night and wanted to share something I figured out as an adult after a lot of therapy.

I have my memory of our home (3yrs, 11yrs old) at the time. My Mom has her memories of her marriage (20 years old to 30 yrs old) and our family, then My dad has his version of memories (an alcoholic 19 to 29 yrs old) and my sister has her memories (3 yr old to 6 yrs old).

Swirl it all together and the truth is in there. My sister remembers adoring my parents and everything being ok in the home and we were all so happy.

I remember my parents always fighting yelling, we had to walk on egg shells because my father would flip out at any moment. My mother was almost totally silent because my father was always trying to put her down or tell her she was wrong.

I also clearly remember my father did not want another child after me. He was not pleased when my mother was pregnant. We have NEVER told my sister any of this, because once she was born, my dad fell in love with her, but they butted heads, because they are so much alike, still are, but now do not speak with each other.

Even after family counseling, my sister is still devastated by this divorce and blames everything on my parents. And yet, she also is divorced and followed their behaviors. At some point she also will need to make an apology to her children and all of us, but I do not see it any time soon. But I know she had to move out of the house and the kids with their father. It was what was best for her children. This is different than your situation because she gets them 1 week and then her ex the next, but we all walk on egg shells around her. She NEEDED to leave. Their home life was miserable for each person. Nothing against the children it is her and her ex's problems, but unfortunately, the children have suffered the most.

Please remember your mom will always be your mom. She probably did the best she could at the time. Moms, do not just leave for no reason. She was not leaving YOU, she was leaving the marriage and situation.
I am sending you peace.

She should have said this to you with her explanation. Email is just not a great place for such an important conversation.

I agree with Robin. My parents apologized for their divorce and what it did to all of us, but each of them said they would do it again.

I know they had to get a divorce, their marriage was a disaster and NO ONE was happy. There is no way I would be the person I am today if they had stayed together.. It was awful for all of us.

As moms, we do what is best for our families, even if there is some pain.

Speak with her further, if you need more information.

Well that is passive aggressive.
They are essentially not sorry... but are saying it because they know that what they did, irked you or upset you or hurt you.
But they would do it again.
So, what's the point of even saying sorry?
Its empty words.
Or, some people are the types... that just 'have to' have their way and their say, even if they are wrong. Ego.
They are self-centered.

And THAT is what I would tell them.
I would have NO problem at all, telling the person that.
Point blank.

No... that doesn't sound like an apology at all to me. Seems hurtful.

Email never comes across the way it is intended-I'm sorry I had to divorce my ex-the children's father-because of how it hurt them-but, yes, I had to do it. Does that sound better? I hope so, Honey-she's your mom-she loves you-we're all trying to do our best.

I am sorry when I make my kids upset that they cant have cake for dinner. (sorry for their upset, would do it again because it's for their own good). That being said, I FULLY agree that this seems to be rather thin and trite response to scooting out on three young kids - even if it was "for your own good. " I also agree that this seems more to ease her conscious than to help you. I don't think I would accept this without a heavier dose of remorse. I think Lucy has some more "splaining to do" before I would see this as anything more than a self-serving attempt to validate some bad choices.

i think she really regrets the pain she caused you. but she felt it was the right thing, and she still does. i am sure there is a ton of hurt regarding this situation...but i think without really knowing how to say it, she's trying.

She would have been better off not apologizing at all. She is releasing herself by giving a pat "I'm sorry" while burdening you with the fact that she would do it again.

I am so sorry that your mom was so careless with her words. I would write back and say, "I'm sorry that you felt the need to tell me that you would leave us all over again. Please keep potentially hurtful comments to yourself and if you feel the need to apologize, don't negate it with a disclaimer."

No. The "but" pretty much negates the apology. Making it more a "I'm sorry you have negative feelings about it. My life would be easier if you didn't know or care."

To tell the truth. I feel apologies are somewhat worthless. I say, amend the offensive behavior. If you are unable or unwilling to do so, then there's the bigger problem.

It counts if YOU think it counts. Apologies come in all different and yes, it counts. (that is, IF you are counting)

I have come to realize over the years, that apologies aren't always wrapped up in pretty paper nor are they delivered in a manner they we might think acceptable or perhaps that we deserve... Also, you'll discover that apologies are never proportionate to the damage that was perhaps was sustained by the injury at hand.. whether it be mental, emotional and or physical...

Years ago, I was in a similar situation such as you when it came to an apology. At the age of 10, I molested by a caregiver for whom I told on.. At the time, no one believed me and I was punished for presumably lying about the situation(s)... then about 5 years later upon leaving the home, the perpetrator ducked his head into the car for which I was sitting and said, " I am sorry for what I did, you know what I mean." and then said goodbye.......

At the time, I was dumbfounded.. the "half-baked" apology for which I considered it at the time was confusing to me ( I was only 15) and because when I told on him, no one believed, by his apologizing years later.... I had to re-think the whole scenario.. By his apologizing, you'd have thought,. ok you are now healed.. he said sorry.. but in fact, it made me angry to think., AHA!!! you knew damn good and well, you molested me, you BSTRD.. and I had to pay the price and now you get off with a simple, I am sorry for what I did, you know what I mean......

Now, scroll forward.. as an adult, I eventually decided that he did apologize.. granted, it was NOT the apology I felt I deserved... but ..as mentioned, apologies sometimes aren't in beautifully wrapped paper.. sometimes, they are wrapped up in wrinkled old paper, newspaper and sometimes NOT at all.... take your mom's apology for what you think its worth.. the way she delivered it is NO bearing on what you deserve ....

I think therein lies some of the problem... when monumental things happen to a person (such as your mom leaving you ) and when so little and at such a primitive state in terms in age..... by your being so young, you did not yet understand logic or rationale.. therefore, as a baby, you were just that.... and now since you have kids of your own , you know what it takes to be a good mom and therefore, your mom's behavior probably becomes even more despicable to you and hence, an even BIGGER apology is more in order....

however, bear in mind, her perspective is different from yours and she probably thinks by reaching out, it IS a big step in terms of healing the relationship with you.. I don't dismiss her behavior by any means... but just keep in mind, the size of the apology is not always in proportion to that which a person is apologizing for.. if you can remove that equation... then it makes accepting (if you choose) the apology a little easier to take...

I wish you the best.

I think the word "but" is the stumbling block here. I, personally don't feel that an apology should ever be followed with "but..."

If she had written: "I'm sorry for what I did. If I had to do it all over again, I would do exactly the same thing. I did the best I could at the time. I'm sorry." how would you feel? Better about the apology, I'm guessing.

Email, etc. is tricky because you can't detect voice inflection, tone of voice, etc......

I think you would be better off calling her & talking voice-to-voice.
Good luck!

No, saying sorry means I was wrong and would take it back if I could, IMO.
Maybe the person is sorry that it hurt you, but not sorry for what they did?

I was always told that sorry means you will try to never do the action again, if not you are not sorry. So using this criteria that is not an apology.

Sounds to me like they are trying to appease you but really feel they have nothing to be sorry about. Are you forcing the apology?

Doesn't sound very remorseful to me.

Hello, I personally wouldn't count it as an apology. She may think it was one. I think if she would have said "I'm sorry for the hurt that it caused you, but you were better off with him, so I would do it again." then that would have been an apology.
You should probably just let it go. You can't change how she is. Love her or not.
K. K.

There is no such thing as a woman leaving her children, unless she is gravely ill. It sounded like you might have been seeking some understanding from her. Don't be disappointed if you don't end up hearing what you want to hear. It sounds like she could very well be selfish and in denial. Don't throw your heart on the line, she's not. I'm sorry for being so painfully honest, I have a similar sounding mom that thinks ONLY about herself and for years I tried to improve the situation with much disappointment. Recently, I have been able to let go of it and am much happier! Good luck.

This post mad me so mad (I want to say disgusted but it's too harsh). A woman is living with an abusive tyrant - she cannot handle it as an adult but she thinks it's OK to leave her babies/children with him knowing full well they cannot fend for themselves and will no doubt experience his demons too.

Don't worry about the misery your innocent children will have to live with - just look after yourself. Incomphrensible to me how a mother can put herself before her children and most importantly leave them in a really bad situation.
I wish you happiness and real rewarding relationships. I hope this defensive half attempt at an apology doesn't open the door to a new cycle of bad memories, frustrations and disappointments. Too harsh again - but Leopards don't change their spots.
Your in control - you set the boundaries in this relationship now to protect yourself.

No, that's not an apology to me. An apology should include remorse/regret for what happened...meaning they *wouldn't* do it again. I get when people aren't really sorry for what they did, but they *are* sorry that it hurt someone else. I think that's possible to feel that way. Is that what the person was meaning? Are they sorry it hurt you (or whoever), but they still stand by what they did?

To your original question, though, that's not an apology to me because it doesn't have all the required parts (regret/remorse). But maybe my definition of an apology is inaccurate;-)

While I agree with the others, I have heard of some exceptions to the rule that are acceptable under specific circumstances. I have heard the phrase many times: "she did the best she could under the circumstances with what she knew at the time." So, while I don't know the circumstances of it, I hope she shared that with you. Doesn't sound like she did. Don't let this lie. Ask until you run out of questions. Get the fullest understanding of the circumstances and her opinion as you can if she is willing. I'll make up a scenario that might make this make sense.

Say, a mother had a bad medical or mental condition and the father was a good father. Or, the mother was penniless or addicted and the father made it impossible to gain custody. I don't accept someone's inability to express themselves well when it is important. Perhaps in another life, I'll learn that some people just can't do any better. But my personality would keep trying and pushing for an explanation. I think you are due that. Unfortuantely, some people never get the importance of that and I really don't get that at all. I usually walk away from them, for good.

Did you have a good life? if so, she did the best thing for you. i don't know what your mom was going through-depression? And you may know either.

I would not count that as an apology. Anytime someone uses the word "but" in a sentence is excusing their behavior/treatment/words etc. I would tell your mother that she doesn't seem that sorry if she says she'd do it again".
Also, I will tell you after years of dealing with a mother who has a personality disorder (narcissistic personality disorder) this sounds very close to something she would say. My mother would say that she was entitled to treat me the way she did because I "deserved" it. So, I would suggest you listen closely to what she says and how she says it. There might be a deeper problem that you may have to contend with, and I will tell you it can be a nightmare.

I'm going with a different tactic here and saying that because it was in an email it doesn't count.

Email is not the forum to apologize for parental choices one made that affected their kids ENTIRE LIVES! This would be better done in person, where emotions and feelings can be conveyed and follow up discussion can occur in real-time.

I am assuming when she "left you with dad" you mean permanently or at least for a long term, and dad then had to care for you (or was that she never left the family, but Dad was a unfit parent and she is feeling bad about ever leaving you alone with him even for short periods because it was dangerous? Not enough info here, I am assuming the first option)

Either way, apologizing for this kind of family dysfunction in an EMAIL? Puh-lease.

The "but" always cancels out what came before, therefore it is not an apology. I think, maybe, she was trying to explain her side of the story. Like Dr Phil likes to say; "No matter how flat you make a pancake it always has 2 sides!" I don't know enough to make an informed decision on how to respond. It boils down to whether you want a relationship with your mother or not. Having an adult relationship with her doesn't necessarily mean that you have forgiven her for leaving you. I had a difficult childhood too and (now that I'm 42) my dad ("the hero") is not in my life at all and my mom ("the witch") and I have a really good, honest relationship. If you'd told me as a child that it would have turned out this way I would never have believed it! My father is actually the one with psychological problems! Whatever you choose to do, choose what's best for you and your children. Just because someone gave birth to you (or contributed to your creation) it does not mean that they get a "free pass" on any harm they might have done! God Bless - you're not alone!

Sounds like she is sorry for leaving you but given the situation, she would do the same thing because it was what she thought was best. It sounds like an honest apology. She's trying to tell you that while she regrets the decision (not sure if it is for leaving you or something that happened because she left you) she made but truly feels it was best.

If you look up the definition of the word apology then yes, the wording qualifies. However, if this was me, I wouldn't even bother responding to the email. It certainly doesn't seem like the email was sent to make you feel better. Pretty much reads like a defensive statement. I'm a very private person, too. My mother also left - but we were a bit older. Now that I'm pregnant - she's reappeared and it's very tricky having to deal with her without letting her upset me. Most times I choose not to engage when she pulls her nonsense - that's worked for me. I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

Well some people really suck at apologizing in my opinion. She could have just left that part off at the end and a phone call wouldn't have killed her. Of course I don't know the details but I am so all about if you have something super important to say, pick up a phone, set a lunch date, really, it matters. So had I received this email I would have thought that getting this in email from stunk and that the apology was lame. I might not respond bc she didn't ask for one. Or I might simply reply back, "Mom, I forgive you" and just move on. Forgiveness is the best thing in the world, because it frees you to openly admit that yeah what the person did was totally wrong but you can stop letting hurtful things have any hold on you and then if possible you can be free to be in relationship with that person or if that's not possible, you can go on and have healthy relationships with others. So I try really hard to keep short accounts and when I get some weird cryptic email from someone, I got one very similar recently!, I can say in all honesty, 'you are forgiven' and move on! I still think the email thing stinks but hey, guess I can forgive them for that too, ha!!

I would take this as 'I'm sorry it hurt you, but not sorry for the action' kind of thing. I wouldn't see this as a true or sincere apology.

She may be extrememly sorry for what she felt she had to do. But at the same time did you guys all turn out all right? If so maybe that is what she meant. Maybe it was the best decision? She could have done much worse. Even still it may not really make you feel better. That is ok. Maybe you are not ready to forgive. For somethings that is very difficult for me myself to do. Try not to carry it with. Maybe someday...

Wow. For a mom to walk out on her children that must be a hard situation to recover from. Well you can forgive her but it doesnt mean it has been forgotten. You were just a young child you needed your mom.

Updated

Wow. For a mom to walk out on her children that must be a hard situation to recover from. Well you can forgive her but it doesnt mean it has been forgotten. You were just a young child you needed your mom.

Don't feel the need to reply to her email right away, or even ever if you don't want to. If you have not had any contact with her since you were 1.5, there is absolutely no need to rush into anything now, nor do you have any obligation to ever talk to her again. Take your time and think of what you want to say. Options:

Accept the apology and start a new relationship with her
Accept the apology but ask her not to contact you anymore
Ignore it
Don't acknowledge the apology specifically, but tell her how her absence affected you over the years

Good luck. So sorry you are dealing with this.

Normally I would say that's not an apology.
But if she had good reason for doing so, and feels bad that it had to be done and has apologized that's okay.

an apology is never followed by a but if it's a true apology.

Wow, that's harsh. I would accept that she's not going to be the mom you deserve. Unless there was more to her "apology", I'd say she is sorry, just not in the way she tried to imply. Sad.

I think apologies are equally wording and equally intent in order to qualify.

Communication is so much more than just semantics.

i never quite understand. i understand leaving a spouse/significant other, but i never will understand leaving your children??? can you help me understand why she did this???

To me, it sounds like she's sorry for hurting you, but not for the actual act.

I don't believe it's true apology when the words 'but or if' are included. Example of a real apology: I'm sorry I hurt you. Not real: I'm sorry if I hurt you OR I'm sorry you were hurt, but....

That's just what I think.

I agree on if it's through email, it isn't really a real apology, how can you be truly sincere if she can't even say it to your face? Also, anytime there is a but, it isn't necessarily real. My husband often reminds me of that. Whenever I apologize, and say but, I'm really still blaming him for my behavior, and I'm not taking full responsibility for whatever I did.