Should I Be Insulted?

They worded it very respectfully and they backed up thier response with solid reasoning. No, I dont think you should be insulted. There was no insult in the repsonse. Try to see it from thier point of view.

I'm with them on this one. Sorry. :( Try not to be offended, they're just doing the right thing for them.

I would not be insulted at all.
The world is a scary place and they are just being protective of their children which sometimes seems like the minority these days with all the stories of child neglect you hear on the news.

Sounds like a normal request on their part.

I agree with your employers. I wouldn't want a stranger coming around my kids, I don't care who they know. Is there anyway you can have your six year old go out to your fiancee's car and he doesn't come inside?

They are excellent parents. Their choice of words shows how much they respect you.

I am conservative with my children being around adults I have not met. They know you. They trust you. They are not saying they dont trust your fiance they just want to meet him first. Once they meet him they will trust him.

Here's my question as a former nanny:

Could all of this have been avoided?

Here's what my note to them would have looked like:

"I'm looking forward to spending Saturday night with the boys, and thank you for agreeing to have my son come along. Because we do want to keep his schedule consistent, my fiance will come by after dinner to pick him up and take him home for his bedtime routine. I understand you haven't met him yet, and he and I have agreed that it would be best for the time being that he does not come in, so the pickup will be brief and on the front porch. Please let me know if you have any questions, and I'll see you Saturday."

Something worded like this carries weight: it addresses/acknowledges their concerns, suggests boundaries they are likely to feel more comfortable with, and puts the need for a consistent evening routine for your son at the crux of it. It's assertive and polite as well, telling them what you need. At that point, it's up to them if they want to raise more questions or cancel their evening out.

For what it's worth, I've known some very nice, trustworthy women in my years in childcare who have had terrible boyfriends. It happens in every profession, but some of these fellows were beyond the pale and would come to the child development center, stalking or threatening these women. Me personally, I wouldn't be insulted, but I would make sure to invite the parents to a picnic at a park or something along those lines so they can meet your fellow and see him in action with your son. I'd also discuss this issue beforehand when scheduling an evening care job like this again. Some women have great judgment in men, others, not so much, and it has nothing to do with how great these women are at their jobs. Just my two cents...

Lastly-- After reading your SWH, -- why didn't you tell us this before? Sigh. This is one thing I wish posters here would learn-- most of us don't mind us reading a longer request post if you are giving good information. From your follow-up, I'd be baffled too. We (this community) needs the whole picture -- then we can give you better support. Sounds like you are making a good decision for yourself.

You shouldn't in any way be insulted. They have a right to feel this way. I have lots of girlfriends who I love but I can't stand their spouse or boyfriend. I have lots of great neighbors, but I don't necessarily allow them around my kids alone. Just because you are great, and good at your job, doesn't mean your boyfriend is a great guy.

Are they overreacting? Maybe. Assumning your fiance was just in and out to get your son. But they won't be there, so I think they are within their rights.

However, meeting someone doesn't even mean they would know he is a safe guy or a good guy. But it woudl ease their minds.

If you can't accomodate your son, you may need to bow out. But I don't do it out of spite. They are doing what they think is best for their kids.

That sounds reasonable to me. Think of it - she's a M., she's your employer and she met and trust you, not discounting you, but it is HER home, and I personally do not think anything was wrong with her request. She didn't say he could NOT come, they simply asked to meet him first so that THEY are also comfortable around him. Because they hired you doesn't mean they will be fond of him or know what you do in your personal life. Don't take it as an insult, be professional about it. They are your employer, not your best friend.

The other option is not to bother to volunteer your services on Saturdays if you think that your son cannot be picked up. It is a choice.

Can't ever be too safe. Someone I thought was a "good guy" did something to my daughter during a sleepover at his house, my daughter was 9.

I think they were being completely honest with their feelings. You cannot fault them for that or the fact they are responsible parents. I would have said the same thing. They don't actually "know" him. They know what you have told them but they haven't seen it for themselves. I wouldn't be offended. If the situation was reversed would you want your nanny's boyfriend, fiance, or husband that you have never met (just heard about) in your home around your children? I know I wouldn't....
Just being honest.

I would not be offended.Frustrated yes,but it sounds to me like they are just being very cautious parents.And if someone is this cautious of who they let around their children then they trust you with their kids or you would not still be a Nanny for them!I would just put your boy to bed on the couch (I have don't it many times.) Or tell them you understand that they don't want him coming in without meeting him first.So would there be a time they could meet him or could he just come to the door and wait on the porch for your son.Again I know it's frustrating and that you love and trust him,therefore are feeling protective of him.But it's their house and you need to respect their wishes of not having someone come over that they don't know.It seems if you trust him and they trust you they should be ok with it but that's not always the case,don't take it personal.

Don't be offended. It sounds like they really like and trust you. But they want to err on the side of caution and meet your fiance so they can be completely at ease and not worry while they are away.

You sound like a wonderful Nanny & they sound like wonderful employers, but most importantly they sound like good parents. No need to be offended. Set up a time to meet your wonderful boyfriend.

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I hope you are being paid for your extra time and babysitting their kids on weekends at night until late into the night?

Next, well they are being parents.
I would not be insulted. Personally.
But they are not your parents either.
But they employ you, to watch their kids, and they want to be sure that who ever comes to their home when they are not there, is stable/safe/normal.
Because, this is their kids and their home... and they don't want just any 'stranger' coming into their home.
I can understand that.
What if he were a computer whiz and could go through all their files?
Or they don't know how long he would be staying there or just to pick up your son.
Many what if's.

They are safeguarding their children and home.
And I feel they are being wise and using common sense. And they did try to word their e-mail message, nicely.

I can understand where you'd be a little disappointed in their reaction and I don't think I would have reacted as they did even when we had a nanny. Still, I think the response was respectful, honest and left the door open. I didn't find it insulting.

Hope you were able to bring your "great guy" around for them to confirm for themselves that he's everything you love him for. He sounds terrific -- and your employers don't sound out of line, a little more cautious than I would be maybe, but not insultingly so.

Hope you guys were able to work out a solution for everyone.

I think they answered your request as honestly and kindly as they could have answered it for you. They aren't comfortable. It sounds like they would be more open to the idea if they knew him better. They trust you, that has been demonstrated with the two years of service. How can they trust a man they have never met? They are being cautious. You can't fault a parent for that.

When I nannied my employers wanted to spend some time with my husband before he came over (it was a VERY rare occurrence). They took us to dinner to get to know him. We had been married for at least five years by then and I took no offense.

I would feel a little put off at first. HOWEVER, they are ENTIRELY right by not wanting a strange man in their house with their boys! You just never know now days.

Just keep your son with you and put him down when it's his bedtime. Not a big deal! And set up a time for them to meet your fiancee' so this won't be an issue in the future! Perhaps a group picnic!

I wonder what they do when they need a repairman to come in and work on the washer, or fridge, or carpet, or whatever. Do they insist on meeting them first or do they ship the boys off so they never see a stranger? Do you ever have to let someone in while caring for the kids to do something for their home? I know there is a time to be cautious but it isn't as if your guy is going to spend the night snuggling on the couch watching movies and drinking beer with you. You're at work and your child needs to be picked up. I don't think I would have ever thought to mention it to them in the first place. Any more than if I had ordered a pizza for the boys to share for dinner and had to actually open the door to pay the delivery guy. Maybe I'm wrong but I think they were off when they told you not to have him stop by to get your son and drop off your meal. It would be reasonable for them to request you not have him come in and stay, and nice for them to want to meet him, but to make the assumption that by meeting him once would make him a good guy is silly. In 27 years of in-home childcare I had many service people in my home. I never left the kids alone with them and nearly everyone of them was a stranger when they got here.

No, I totally get why you feel insulted. I would have been too!
I could have maybe understood their e-mail a little better if you were leaving
and he was taking your place for you.

Yes, it is insulting. Its not like the guy is going to be hanging out all night with you guys-that would be a different story. What they are basically saying is that they do not trust you and that they look at you only as the "help".
I would say that you are sorry they feel that way but unfortunately now you are going to have to cancel your sitting for them that night because you need to get your son to sleep. And don't offer again. Seriously, one of the golden rules in life that I have learned is that no good deed goes unpunished.

i wouldnt be insulted at all they are being parents would YOU want a stranger come into your house even if it is a bf of the person caring for your kids?

After two years of caring for their children.....YES, not only would I be insulted I would quietly begin looking for another position and in good faith, let your new employer know that you will be giving your current employer two weeks notice.

You are not a servant and after so much time they should have trusted your judgement.

Blessings.......

Don't be insulted, just have him meet them. They asked politely.

i would be a little insulted. its not like hes coming in and spending hours with you. he is just picking up your little boy. i would respond to the email like this.

I understand your concern. however it is very important for my son to be in bed on time. Would you mind if he just came to the door to pick up my son and not come in the house.

when you have your own kids, you'll understand.
I won't let any adult or teenager near my kids that I don't know.
My brother was repeatedly raped and molested by a cousin's husband when he was only 3. My mom always said he gave her the creeps but didn't want to hurt her neice's feelings...
The e-mail sounds like they would be cool if they met him and I agree they would be lazy parents if they didn't meet him 1st.
A lot of really wonderful people fall in love with creeps so just humor them.
I'm not saying your man is a creep, by the way.

Ali,

I don't think you should be insulted. The email is very sincere and they are clearly trying not to offend you. You need to remember though that This is still a stranger coming into their home. If it were me I would feel the same way. It's just being protective and honestly speaking it's their home.

I would try to set up an introduction for them.

The response sounds a bit strange to me, but I'm wondering why it isn't a matter of simply having him go over and meet them prior to your taking care of the twins over the weekend. That would seem to resolve the issue without a lot of worry on your part or theirs. I understand you feeling a bit 'insulted' that they don't trust you, but I think I would put that aside and do what it takes to make them feel totally comfortable with the situation.

There response makes sense. They express their positive support for you, but just as parents feel they want to meet someone who would be around their kids first. This is very responsible. We all have to be protective of our children due to the many hazards in our society. It doesn't seem to be personal to you, or that they don't trust you.

I'm shocked and feel as you do. Like if they meet him for 2 min they can tell if he's a child molestor or something anyway? I agree if they trust you, then they trust your fiance isn't going to immediately harm their children and you'd stand by and let him. I have had a nanny/ies for years and think this is too much. But given other responses, I'm easy going in this regard I guess and it's nothing personal so you shouldn't be insulted...

that is pretty insulting. my son is in a daycare facility and there are parents, moms, dads, heck maybe cousins, family friends, all dropping off and picking up without me meeting them. i would definitely be insulted - but on the other hand....maybe they are just paranoid and overprotective parents in general. have you noticed them being irrationally worried about things, before this?

If you don't care enough about their wishes for THEIR children then you DO need to move on. It has nothing to do with you being "below" them. It has to do with the safety of their children. For some reason I have a feeling that most of these situations for which you say they treat you as being below them is probably similar in nature to the senario above that you actually give details about. They weren't rude or treating you like you were below them in their email. They treated you as if you were their employee. There isn't anything degrading about that. At the end of the day THEY are the one paying YOU. If you don't like their wishes and expectations then move on - I'm certain they can find someone to work for them who will work out better. It sounds like the only person you will be hurting is yourself, and your son, fiance, and his kids by taking the hit on your income. All families have to deal with a work dynamic - whether they have special needs children or not. You can't expect them to pay you AND give you special treatment because of your situation with your son. If it's too difficult to take on "extras" beyond your normal hours then don't offer to do it. You can't offer to do an "extra", and then expect them to become lax on what they feel comfortable with in regards to the safety of their children simply because you think you are doing them a favor. Even though it is above and beyond your normal hours, I bet they are still paying you, right??? Then don't expect them to expect less of your services.

Yes I would be offended, I read your what happened and I'm very proud of you for putting your family first as anyone else would, family first work second. You did the right thing,

Even if it was my sister or mother. I would ALWAYS want to meet a male or female for that matter before they are around my children. Its the best way to be safe. Its not a judgement against anyone. Its the best way " to protect the ones you love "

Would you be happy with anyone coming around your children in your home that you didn't know? Reguardless of how much I trusted my mom or sister to watch my daughter I would always want to know anyone who was in the home or visiting.

Its not meant to be mean or ugly its meant to be safe and protective. I am sure your fiance is a nice lovely man. I dated my fiance for 2 yeas before I let him even meet my daughter because I am just very protective.

Thats just my two cents! BE GLAD that they CARE enough to want to meet you fiance. That shows good judgement on their part.

You have no reason to be insulted. Their home, their rules. And they're absolutely right. Their child's safety comes first.

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I would be offended. You've been with them for 2 years - and your fiancee wasn't taking over care of the twins, just dropping off dinner and picking up your son. I think it is an over the top response from them and I think it undermines you. I think you are wise to look for a new job.

I have to state the obvious- any couple who has twins and has a nanny take care of them AND uses that nanny to watch their kids for a few days while they go away AND now has you cover for them for a date night- well, that's just not how most of want to live or could even afford to live if we wanted to- so I feel like the kind of people who do this and have hired you of COURSE will put any sort of reasonable or unreasonable demands on you. I actually like how they expressed it and don't think they wanted to offend you- they clearly love you and need you. Sounds like they take responsibility in some ways like "we don't want a stranger around our kids" but don't feel guilty about you being with their kids full time. It might be a bit of misplaced guilt as it sounds like you are the primary caretaker right? But, I do think this is an appropriate (although overboard) request of parents.

Is there a way they can meet him before you have to watch the kids for this next planned time?
I have to say I would be a little insulted too. I understand they don't want some strange guy coming around that they haven't seen or met. But, are they saying that he can't even pull up in front, have your son go out to get your dinner, take it to you, and then go back out to go home with him?
Frankly, their kids never even have to see your boyfriend in order to pull that off. He never even has to get out of the car.
You're taking great care of their kids, but you have a kid to schedule things for too.
If they can't meet him prior, I would ask them if the scenario I suggested would be okay. One in which he never even gets out of the car. (If that's possible and there is a curb or somewhere in front of the house.
Let them know you're trying to find a way for everybody to get taken care of and you'd like to arrange a time for them to meet him.
I would hope they'd be willing to find a way to make it work or find a compromise.
They may meet him and not want him around their kids anyway. If that's the case, you have to be able to figure out a way to make things work out or maybe just not babysit on the weekends anymore if it's a hassle for everyone.

I really wish you the best.
Let us know what happens.

That's my opinion.
Best wishes.

I think they could've worded it a bit more tactfully. To me, the wording is meant to probably be matter of fact in a concerned way but I probably would've been a little taken aback if it were me but I would also say just think of yourself in their position if it were the other way around. Wouldn't you feel the same way? I know I would. I think they could've been accomodating in just you walking your child to the door & have your fiancee come to the door & no further or maybe just the driveway/walkway & your son go out to meet him at the car or outside if you had no other choice but I think they could've met you halfway in this instance if nothing else could be done in your situation. As far as the email...sometimes people just don't know how to word things tactfully & I would just take it w/a grain of salt this time in knowing they were just being concerned & prob not meaning to be hurtful or insulting.

Then tell them to hurry up and meet him, because he's coming to the house to drop off your dinner and pick up your son for bed. Remind them you are doing them a favor, you've been part of their 'family for 2 years and you'd never put their child in danger just as you would not your own. It's not like your fiance is coming over to watch a movie and play with everyone... he is going there for a finite purpose that will not be a long time there.

Yes, I agree - those parents are being ridiculous. I too was a Nanny.

Did you ever get an email response from your employer about having your fiance pick up your son?