Marraige and More Kids

My son is a M.'s boy to but they will get it soon enough and sharing M. is hard at this age thats why it's recomended to have another child by age 3. They have a more understanding to life!

I went through the same thing and to tell the truth, every now and then, I still go through it. My son was just turning 4 when I met my boyfriend, he is now 7. IT WAS TOUGH, trying to bring everyone together without making my son feel like I was being taken away from him. My boyfriend is a friend of the family so it made it a little easier but at the beginning he never came to my house until my son was sleep. After about 8 months or so, they started seeing more of each other and I think that's when he "caught on" to "THE BOYFRIEND." There were times when my son would say that I loved my boyfriend more than I loved him only because he may have seen us kiss or hug. My son still has his days and there's still a lot I have to work on. Especially since I hope my boyfriend will pop the question one day!! (sm) What you have to do is sit down with your fiance and have a talk. I would suggest that you let your fiance do little things with your son like watching movies together (just the boys, while you're around though) or both of you can tuck him in at night and read a story to him, or take him to the park and let your fiance be the one that pushes him on the swing, just small things like that at first. Since your son is only 2, you're in a somewhat better situation HOWEVER....SONS WILL ALWAYS BE PROTECTIVE OF THEIR MOTHERS NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE! It will have it's ups and downs so just remember to keep the communication between you and your soon to be husband open and never put your son second...he's first in your life but make it equal between the two of them and share your love to each accordingly!! GOOD LUCK!!

Take the control of a 2 year old back. You are allowing him to dictate how the household functions. You all have to interact together. Change the way you are handling his response to your friend. Let him spend time with the 2 of you so that he can understand that this will be his dad and the other man in his life helping him to become a man. You have the control of this situation if you use it. Let the time he is with his dad be the time you and your friend enjoy each other.
Peace

First of all, you need to know how your fiance feels about a boy-child from another relationship. That, to me, is more important than whether a two-year old wants to share you. The most important question is whether your fiance wants the two-year old and you (the package). A man raising another man's child and the experience of others should be your first question.

Thanks. T.

Hi M.,

You need professional help with sorting out your priorities.

There are many parenting support groups that can help you set your priorities.

http://attachmentparenting.meetup.com

http://sahm.meetup.com

Hampton Roads Parenting Education Network (HRPEN)

www.chkd.org/hrpen

Old Dominion University Child Study Center ###-###-####

www.dl.odu/101s

www.nps.k12.va.us

www.kidspriorityone.org

Hope this helps. D.

Hello M. K,
plz, plz, plz take my advice and get pre-marriage counseling before you take the big leap. you are about to begin what is called a 'blended family' and those are the hardest type of family settings to deal with, for all involved. It's not going to be a picnic, but with propper preparation, you guys will make it.
also, your son is 2 years old, he's not too old to break out of bad habits. does your fiancee try and engage your 2 yr old wgen you are all together? the less your son sees your fiance' the less he will be able to bond with him and learn him [ur fiancee']. let your 2 yr old choose the pace [how long it will take for him to bond with your fiancee'.] also do your fiance' havekids? sometimes people who don't have kids are not too comfortable bonding with kids--not b/ca they don't want to, but b/a they don't know how.
best wishes

Well, if you do get married...that means that you three will really be a family. That is something that your son is going to have to understand. He will be his step-dad, which will require both parties in that relationship to make efforts, to keep the family strong and happy. My only suggestion for that, is to make sure everyone is included during family time... and if your son is really struggling with this, seek out someone professional for him to talk with. As for having more children, children learning to share their mother with sibblings is something that ALL children experience (those with sibblings at least), so you really can't tip-toe around him about this, trying not to upset him. If it is something that you and your new hubby want, he will have to learn to accept it. Again, seek someone out for him to talk to about this if it bothers him. Help point out all the good/positive things about having sibblings. Involve him in the whole thing..marriage and children. Let him help plan, or make choices for the wedding, let him help you pick out some baby stuff for his new baby brother/sister. Let him know he is still important to you, and you still love him...and reassure him that there is room enough in your heart to love a husband, and more children. And if he still sees his dad, maybe discuss this with the dad (if you are friends), and see if he can't help talk to the son while they are together about these issues...maybe coming from his dad, it might help relieve him of certain issues he would have with these ideas.
K.

Congratulations! Two year olds are egocentric whether there is a boyfriend or a husband! Both my boys went through it (they are 7 and 4 now). Try to do things together with your son and fiance. Play games, play ball, have your fiance read your son a book. This man is going to be a part of his life too so make it a smooth transition. Two year olds think of nothing but themselves and it seems like you are very busy and they get especially clingy at this age. Teach him, love him and talk to him. Good luck.

Mom,

Your 2 year old will act out as long as you allow him too. You are the parent he is the child be assertive. If you are planning on marrying this man then it is important that your child and your fiance establish a relationship of their own. Once they establish their own relationship he may not act out as often. The three of you should do things together so that your son is used to him being around. When your fiance is around you should be sure to show your son some attention when your fiance and show him that it is ok to share the attention that he receives with others.

Your fiance should also be sure to give him some attention as well. If he is going to become your husband and if the two of you are going to have more children then it is important that your 2 year feel the love from both of you.

wow, it will be hard, and you will break his heart, but he will get over it, i suggest the time you spend with him should be between you and him only and then explain to him this is M. and (your child name) and then later we will have M. and (your fiances time) and then of cousre, M. time alone so he can play by himself. My 4 year old son is like this, he can't get enough of me and if we are all together then he is right on my lap...it becomes a little annoying, even though i love him its healthy for everyone to have alone time, even him, i explained that to stephen (my son) and he was sad at first but understood. he is getting better at it by himself...but sometime just say no....he will eventually get the point. so when he says M. i love you....then say ok, we will have some M. and (your sons name) now and then in 30 min or whatever time we will (your sons name) alone time and then send him to his room to play or outside or something....it usually works...also to try, if you have bought him a new present recently, say well why don't you play with (new toy) if he says no, then say well i guess i will have to give it to someone who really wants it...of course he will say no don't do that, then you say well then go play with it, hope this helps.

I do not think you have a big problem. I believe you can have all of this and more. I know the first step is to make your 2 year old feel secure. Maybe he needs time that belongs to you and him only - no interruptions. Ask your fiancé to give you and your son 2 hours to just be you two. Do not answer any calls - just M. and son time. He should also spend time with your fiancé alone also. Then the whole family should spend time. This way he feels that he is important to everyone and understands that he is just not yours and that your fiancé’s kids are only his - a separate and divided house will only come apart

M. K.

I had the same problem as a single parent when I met my
husband. My son was 5 and use to through things are my
husband when we first started spending time together. I never allowed my son to meet anyone unless we have been dating 3-4 months possibly longer depending how much time it took for me to get to know someone. If my son did not bond with my husband then I was not willing to set a date or talk anymore about marriage. We made it a point to do things together that interested my son and my husband had to get on his level and spend a little time one on one even for a short while. For my son, all he needed was a play station buddy and he suddenly become more friendly towards my husband. It was not done on purpose but after that day my son warmed up to him and this past year my husband adopted my son. You never know and every child is different but I commend you for seeking advice but most important you have to be consistent and stay determined and let your son know that no one can take his place but M. has to live life too. It's all about finding a healthy balance. With this is mind, good marital counseling would be very beneficial. You would be surprised how good it can be to have a third party (professional with couples) to help facilitate thought provoking conversations. Many blessings to you and your family to be.

Hi M. K

Your little boy is just little all other little boys his age. They adore their mothers until they find a replacement ;). But mothers are their "first love". It's OK for you to think of you, and actually very healthy. If you are not happy, your son will not either.

As for getting married and starting a family, I don't think you'll have too many issues of steprelationship considering he is two. A lot depends on what type of relationship you currently have with your son's father. Make sure to let your son know that it's OK to continue to love his dad and that he can also love you fiance (in time). Give your son room to adjust to the new situation but don't slack of on rules and discipline.

With your fiance, discuss about how discipline with be managed, who will take care of him, his espectations about your son, financial issues about your son (will he contribute to your son's future, care and health? Does you son contribute financially and will he continue once you are married?).

As I said before, your son is two and there shouldn't be any problems but if you would like to read a bit more on stepfamilies and how long it takes to adjust, there are some great information at www.stepfamily.org . I would suggest to read a bit on the subject just so that you have an idea of what might happen.

Because you son will probably continue to visit his dad and you want children, it's a good idea to read up on what to tell children that don't go to visit "other" dads and why they can't do too. Just some examples of future things that would be a very good idea to talk about prior to your marriage.

I hope this has been helpful. If you would like more information, you can email me. Good luck and congratulations.

C. L. C.
Life Coach

First off, you've described just about every two year old in the world. They love their mothers unconditionally and they are very emotional. That's what two year olds are about. You can certainly get married and plan on more kids. Your son will adjust, but you need to start the adjustment period soon. Does your fiance spend time alone with your son? Perhaps you could plan a short 15 minute outing to the park with just the two of them. The two of them need to form a bond, after all your finace will be your son's stepfather. They need to gradually built that relationship. It takes time, but it can certainly work out. Good luck.

I have a son who even gets jealous of his own father with me - we remind him and include him when he feels left out. It helps if he has someone his age to be around, so I was often willing to watch his cousins. He was at first jealous when I held them, but eventually got over it. If he was very upset, I gave the cousins back, or asked someone else to hold them. We slowly increased the time. Now he is completely without a care if I hold or talk to or play with any other children. Of course he is 6 years old now and still says he would not want another sibling. I think he could adjust as he did with cousins, but I also suggest earlier is better to add another sibling. They have a smaller vocabulary to express to disagree :) Best of luck and don't be afraid of change for you or your son. Change is good. And I bet your boyfriend is a fabulous guy and will be a great stepfather. My mother remarried when I was 24 and I was still skeptical of my stepfather - even though I knew him for years. Its just change, different for everyone, but it is important to you and will make you happy which will make your son happy. Our son also received a puppy when he was 4 as a gift and that hepled lots. We had to give the dog away when my son was 6 when we moved out of the country, but my son was okay with that and the dog has a great home, better than we could give. The time we had the dog was fabulous and good therapy for our son.

I am not quite in your situation but I do have a 2 year old son who is a mommys boy to the core. Daddy can't do anything for him except for play time. I am currently pregnant and while I don't exactly know how he will handle it I am confident in saying that he will get over any jealousy he does have it will just take some time. I do have a Stepson and when my son was born we gave him a gift in the hospital and told him that the baby brought it for him. He opened right up to him and we never had a bit of jealousy from him. Also, you need to do whats right for you! Your child and your ex-husband can never pick who you marry or fall in love with. If you allow your child to run your life like that you will only become resentful and you will miss out on so much in life. Your child is young so he will one day grow to love your husband. I know because my Stepson was 2 when my husband and I met. As he gets older he won't know any different. I hope this helps and I wish you alot of luck!

My son is 4 but when my fiance and I got together he was 2. Since you two are making that long term commitment to each other, you fiance has to make the same commitment to your son. Whenever my fiance is around and I'm there it's all about my son. Sometimes I feel like I am not even in the room, because they are so close (which is great). They have to bond, that way your son won't mind sharing. Then he's getting the maximum amount of love from both of you. If they can do that than your son should start to understand that he can share you. I think with expanding your family that you just have to be conscious of how you delegate your time with a newborn and a toddler. As long as you are happy everyone else will be happy.

K,
Ok firts of all this is YOUR child, he needs to be clingly to you and want M. all the time--he's just a toddler and you are the only person he has around all the time (assuming he doesn't see his dad much). One thing you should not do, and most single women make this mistake, is trying to replace time with your child for a man. If this boyfriend plans to marry you then HE needs to be the one spending time with you and your son, not you trying to eliminate precious time with your son. Especially since these are the years when kids gain so much knowledge and learn everything from their parents. The last thing you want to do is shun your child for a man, who may or may not stick around for years to come. This little precious gift you were blessed to birth is your flesh and blood. And if and when you choose to have more kids, talk to your son about becoming a big brother, he will learn and adjust to having siblings and other people needing M.'s time. He's only been in this world for 2 years, let him depend on M. cause he has no one else to learn from.
Best of luck,
Dani, mom of 2 precious children and expecting a third

Believe it or not he will adjust to the changes. Plus if this is a real bad issue it's better to make these changes while he is still so young. Remember he is only 2 yrs old and you are the adult. You can still have the life you want and need as long as you don't let him dictate what you do and who with. If you don't get this under control now he will control the rest of your life as he gets older and you will be miserable. Good Luck!

Hi there M. K,

Your son's desire to have all of your time is very age appropriate. However that doesnt help you in your new relationship. You have two choices: 1- you and your fiance just ride the wave of your son's desire to have all of M.'s time until he is three when slowly kids realize that they are not the only ones around, or 2 - carve out M. time alone with your new beau. Get a baby sitter, or a friend or family to help and spend some more time with your fiance.

Your son wont always be two and wont always be so clingy so take heart that this is a phase and it lasts for about 1-2 (max) years more. If you should have another child, your son will welcome that child with open arms - rest assured. But everything needs to come with baby steps so just know that all that is needed is time. For your son, this is a new change and it will take time. Children are adaptable but do need time to get used to changes (sometimes even small changes can throw them off like changing nap time!). So with patience and understanding just know that the chips will fall into place.

Good luck

I was in this very same position as a kid at this very same age. You just have to accept that you will have to share your mom again in life. Otherwise your mom will have to be alone as long as you will be living with her. You do get over it and the earlier the better.

I would, however, give him time to adjust to your new hubby before tossing in new siblings. I take it that you are young enough and can wait.