What Would You Do? (It's long...sorry)

1. No I would not send my 4 year old with a family I just met. She would be upset. Maybe not at first but eventually she might want her family.
2. No, I would not be offended at all.
3. Yes, keep trying to reach out. They probably are just busy If they are offended I think they get offended too easily.

1. Yes, I would have let him go after meeting the entire family and seeing the home. Also, knowing that they live so close and never seeing any red flags around the neighborhood. I bet she thought you didn't like her/approve of her and/or her family since you did meet the entire family and saw their home.

2. Yes, I would have been offended. Again, you met her and her entire family and saw the house and still sai no.

3. Try one more time, but if I were her, I would not respond.

1. Maybe I'm in the minority here but my oldest is 7 and I still attend parties with her. No way would I have let her go unattended at 4 even if I had met their entire family. A brief visit does not equate to "knowing" someone in my opinion.

2. No I absolutely would not have been offended. I would have thought you were being a Mom that doesn't know me and would expect nothing less.

3. I think I'd make one more effort to contact her and then just let it go if she does not respond.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

Your message about the present might have gotten lost. Or she's not about to call you back after your brush-off. Drop the present off anyway or send it to school. I think it's rude to offer a present and then not send it just because you don't get a call back.

The truth of the matter is that you had your mind made up from the get-go that you weren't ready to leave him alone for a party. You pushed for more info and that still wasn't enough - it was either going to be you or the grandparents to supervise. Then you pushed for a meeting, and that wasn't enough either. I don't understand why you needed details on the party beforehand if you wouldn't leave him there alone anyway. The only thing you needed to ask was if it was permissable for the person who was bringing him to stay. And you didn't do that. Instead, you "vetted" this family and in their view, found them lacking. You might think it's okay to say "We'd like to meet you before the party" and then say "No, we're not ready to leave him at your party", but it's not. You were telling them that they weren't good enough. I wouldn't blame that mom at all for not returning your call.

I think you missed an opportunity to get any other invitations of any kind from them. Quite frankly, I wouldn't invite your child for any playdates or parties after that. Withholding the present will just cement that.

What should you have done instead? Politely declined the birthday invitation because you KNEW he wasn't going to go. Instead, tell her you'd love to meet them, have the playdate, and preserve the new relationship for later so that he'd make a friend and you wouldn't piss off a mom by making her think that they're not good enough for your child to go to her child's party.

He lives down the street, they go to school together, family is nice and you say no. That sends quite the message to them. I personally would be insulted.

Since when did everyone become so paranoid? I really am shocked every time I read something like this. Don't mean to sound rude, but it really boggles my mind. What are your reasons for not allowing him to go. What do you think will happen to him. I am just curious. I know thanks to cable TV we know everything that goes on in this world. Years ago, same stuff went on, but no one knew about it. Let your child enjoy being a kid.

And no I would not reach out again.

Kids were so much more I dependent years ago. Kids today are missing
out on a lot😥

A party just down the street, with people you have met and feel comfortable with? Yes, I would have let my child go. And if I was in her shoes I probably would have felt a little offended that you were distrusting and suspicious of me, even after meeting me and spending time in my home.
You DO realize your child is like 95% more likely to be harmed or molested by a family member or close friend than by a stranger, right?
Sorry, but your fear seems completely unfounded and makes no sense to me.

In answer to your first question, I think you made a very good decision. If you were 100% for sending him, you would have. So, don't beat yourself up on your decision. You have to trust your mommy gut.

Secondly, if I were the other mom, I would not be offended. Your son is only 4...not 14. He's young and vulnerable. Any normal mother understands your position. If she is offended, so be it, that's her problem.

Thirdly, if you already left her a message, let it go. If she doesn't return the call or is offended...there's your answer...you know what kind of person/family this is. Take the high road...send the gift to school with your son as promised.

If these are good people, their actions will be forthcoming.:)

You seem very nice but I am sure she felt she failed your test. Wait on the reach out....don't want to look like you are trying too hard now. Hopefully, it will resolve w time.

Is this your first or only child? If so, I completely understand!

I would let my youngest eat dirt (kidding!) and my oldes was always clean and pristine...we relax as we have more kids and realize they will survive almost anything.

Would I have let my 4 year old go with people I didn't know that well but felt comfortable with to a local party? Probably. I know it wasn't their house, but what's the difference between that and a playdate where they go watch a movie?

I get why she was offended. You kind of made a big deal about him wanting to go and you guys wanting him to go, you asked to meet her so you would feel comfotable, and then said no thanks. So yea, I get that she is offended. However, she should understand your view as a mom. She may not agree with it, but it wouldn't keep me from letting my son play with your son.

I would walk down to their house to drop off the gift. A face-to-face conversation would probably fix the tension as well.

1) No, I wouldn't.

2) I wouldn't be offended if you simply said "I'm sorry, I'm uncomfortable sending my 4yr old off to a party without me, and unfortunately, I can't stay this time." They're 4, it's perfectly understandable. I've told people that and I've been told that.

But you basically told her "put me at ease, pass my test, then I *might* send my son to your son's party"...then failed her anyway. I'm sure she did everything she could to get to know you "enough" before the party, the encounter was lovely by your own admission, there was basically nothing she could have done to convince you to let your son attend. Yeah, I'd be offended.
I'd try not to be, but I would definitely be a bit put out. People are saying that it's not your problem if she's offended, but the truth is, it IS kinda your problem, if you want to encourage the friendship.

3) Do try again. It would be a shame to let go a potential friend and neighbor. Definitely find a way to get that present to her kid. Find a way to smooth things over. Good luck.

At that age the only way my children would go to a party without me would be with a close friend of the family.

The mistake I think you made was requesting the play date and then saying no. If I were the mom I would feel that you were judging me. That I somehow didn't meet your expectations or something. You say that you liked the mom and the family but you still said no, so if you were never going to send him, you should have just said no in the first place.

If you want to try to mend fences, I would start by sending the gift to school. Then wait a week or so and invite the mom and son either to your house or maybe a park or something. While I might be feeling a little insulted if I were the mom, it wouldn't be something that I couldn't get over especially if the 2 kids are in class and play well together.

1. Not a 4 year old, and not with someone I NEVER met, but if met once I would have asked a bunch of questions. If the vibe was good I would think about it.
2. Yes I would have been offended if I had you come to my house, spend time with me, got the vibe we clicked then you said "hey thanks for the invite, but no we arent going to come to your party, but we will stop later, and give you something" that means you dont trust me and you think I am molester... but I am good enough to say hey to every now and then.
3. Nah, balls in her court, if you keep calling your going to look desperate and then she is going to avoid you like the plague.

I think you should reach out again. Tell her that you'd love to set up a play date so the boys can play and you can get to know her. Invite her to your house or offer to meet up at a park or something.

If you weren't comfortable sending your son with someone new, that's fine. I don't think most moms would be offended by that, considering how young the kids are. Since they live so close, I definitely think it's worth trying to make this turn into a good friendship.

i think you handled this really well. i'm much more laid back about parties and sleepovers than most young mothers today, but i too would be very unlikely to let a child as young as yours spend that much time with a 'new' family right out of the gate.
she may well be offended, but you don't know that at this point. i'd definitely try to reach out again. don't be apologetic, and don't offer explanations unless she asks, and if she does, be honest, simple and straightforward. 'we're very happy we've met you and hope the friendships work out on all levels! we just felt it was too much time for him to be alone with folks he's never met before. was the party fun? maybe we can get the boys together for a playdate next week. i'd be happy to host it! i'll make a pot of coffee for us and some snacks for the kids.'
if she's so offended that she really can't understand your POV your parenting styles are probably too far apart anyway.
hope it works out.
:) khairete
S.

1. If it were at their house, yes. At a theater, not sure.
2. Definitely! You met her. She knew it was a test of sorts. You gave the excuse (in her eyes) of having to talk to your husband. Then still said no. 5 or 6 houses down is your neighbor and he is a school buddy.
3. I would have your son give the present to her son at school and let her make the next move.

If you had the slightest clue that you would still say no to the party, I would have waited until after to do the meet and greet test.

The only thing I would have done differently was sort of "blame" it on your son by saying that HE was not ready to leave YOU, even though your sons got along.

What it sort of looks like is that you met them and then decided that there was something "wrong" with them and then didn't want to let your son go with them.

I would reach out one more time because the boys live close and they obviously got along so there is potential for a friendship there.

1. Yeah I would have let DD go - especially since it's a party, there would have been plenty of people around and well... these are your neighbors.
2. No, I would not be offended, but I would think that you may be a little bit overprotective and not really "clicking" with me.
3. Rather than calling one more time talk to her in person. Again, this is a neighbor, go over in the evening, drop off your present for the kid and talk to her. Your reaction should clue you in whether this is going anywhere or not.

Good luck.

That is hard, if I did not know the family but knew other families that knew the family well and would be at the party I might let my son go. It is good to establish relationships with your neighbors as you never know when you might need help. In the end you have to do what you feel comfortable doing.

My question is - who was your son with during those four hours? Not you or your husband, not your in-laws...so he was with a sitter? Why couldn't the sitter take him to the party?

To answer your questions:

1) I would hate to burden anyone else, so if each of the other kids had an adult there then I wouldn't want to be the one adult not there...although it would be easier/safer if the party was in a private home as opposed to a public movie theater.

2) Yes, but ONLY because, as some other posters pointed out, it seems like you "judged" her when you visited and met her whole family and then still said no. Would have been more gracious to just meet her after the party.

3) Yes of course. What other choice do you have, really...she's your neighbor! Work on trying to mend any hurt feelings.

I don't even allow the 9 year old to go to a play date or party without staying. I think parents that allow kids to go off with people they don't know or even if they do know them but they'll be distracted and their attention will be divided there's just no way. It's my job to manage the kids, not theirs.

I do let the kids go do stuff with close friends when it's just our kiddos and their kids. I know the mom well enough to know her discipline style, how she pays attention to the kids and what their doing, and if my kiddo's act up or do something really bad that she'll swat their butt if they need it. Same with her kiddo's with me. If I don't have that kind of relationship with the other parent then my kiddos are not going anywhere with anyone without me.

Age 4, no I wouldn't have sent him alone. No, I would not be offended if you decided not to do it. Yes, I'd reach out again, but give it at least a week before you do. Moms are busy. If she doesn't respond after that, send the present to school and try again another time. When the kids are older it will be nice to have a friend in the neighborhood.

Hi Wonder Mommy,
Honestly, in my opinion she probably didn't give this too much thought: "Well, if these parents didn't feel comfortable with leaving their kid with us, fine". Sometimes, we are too worried about things and assuming too much about situations that we do not make real sense about them.
I wouldn't send my little kid to another house with people I do not know very well even if they are nice; and I wouldn't feel offended if you didn't take me up on my offer.
You shouldn't have given explanations/comments of any kind, no need to do that ( "I wasn't sure but that I would discuss with my husband."......"Before leaving I said something to the effect of still not being sure about the party, but that I would call her the next day to let her know for certain."...."she was not there so I left a message........." ..."I also said that my husband and I weren't ready to send our son to a party without us"...."I.called and asked if my son and I could stop by or if she and her son wanted to come to our house because my son has a birthday present for her son.".....) Too much back and forth! Be simple and when you do not want to do something because your parenting styles differ from other parents, just say "No, Thanks" or "I'll let you know", or "Thanks, I really appreciate it!". Do not try to reach out again, let it go, and when you see them again, say nicely Hi, talk shortly and nice; if you want to have a little something for the boy, it would be nice, remember the boys get along and she is your neighbor.
A.:

edited: I assumed you meant a party at a movie theater?? If it was in their home I might have let my kid go after having met them, but not in a public place. but I've also never heard of a home movie party.

and it's less about people hurting or abducting them at the theater but them getting lost or scared of the movie/dark or things like that, I wouldn't put my baby in that situation at that age.

My ds was invited to a movie bday in first grade. Also did not know the family but had actually heard not nice reports from my ds about this kids behavior. He wanted to go, so I agreed, but we went as well, and I am soooo glad I did. holy cow, not ready for my 6 yo to be running around the arcade before the movie, with a bunch of other customers there, not ok with the whole concept of a group of young ones at the movie, with just the mom and grandpa to run them to the bathroom etc. Grandpa was a little shady looking himself, and of course I never think to ask the mom who she plans on having help her. PLus at 4 my kids hadn't been to many movies because the volume is so loud and not much is suitable for that age. and at 4 I never dropped off at parties so short answer, NO way would I have let my kid go.

but yes, I might have been offened by your wording, had you said ds didn't want to go with out you, or that grandma's planned changed and she wants them for the whole weekend and has plans so can't bring him, you know something like that, it might have taken away the sting. and while it's great that you asked to meet them in the first place if I were them I might have found it a bit forward, but i'm weird that way.

having said that , my weird advice would be to stop by with the gift after school, so that they can see you still want to be friends. I wouldn't call in advance just show up. otherwise they might keep putting you off, and by sending it to school you don't get a second chance. take the opportunity now, while you have a purpose like dropping off the gift. and even if they are like me and don't like unexpected company they can't be mad if you bring their kid a gift!!

I think you did just fine. I would have done the same thing. My son is 5 years old, and I have yet to drop him off at any play dates or parties. I certainly wouldn't drop him off with a family I don't know well.

The mom probably was offended, but that is her issue, not yours. If the situation were reversed, she probably wouldn't want her son spending four hours at your house.

I wouldn't reach out to her again. I wouldn't send the gift to school with your son. The school might have a policy against that. Drive by her house, drop off the gift with a nice note, and let the ball be in her court. Good luck!

1. No.
2. No.
3. Maybe not. Sinec she lives so close, there is plenty opportunity to see her and say hi and see where that goes.

I think that you offered too much explanation with the whole "over-protective" bit, but I understand that it was awkward.

Like Suz said, don't go in being apologetic and offering explanation. I wouldn't send my kid to the house of strangers, even for a party. I certainly would not have those strangers drive him anywhere. I would offer but would certainly understand a parent not taking me up on my offer.

She was offended. If you found a nice family a few doors down what could be better than that for your son? Let him play and have fun, four is not too young to go play with friends. I think you need to get the present and your son and go down to their house and explain that you didn't think that you were judging her and that it was not what you meant by not allowing him to go. Clear the air, be honest and your son could have a great friend just down the road. My children had many neighborhood friends and now, as adults, they are still very close to their childhood neighbor friends, really more like one big extended family for all of us. It is a wonderful thing to let people into your children's lives.

I wouldn't call her again. I would wait till either she contacts you back or run into them again. Since you live only 6 houses down I assume you'll probably see them outside sometime. Just tell them the next time you see them how you enjoyed meeting them but you didn't know how your child would do on his own with people he didn't know very well since he's only 4 and you didn't want to put that burden on them...

Personally, I a little part me would have thought you didn't like/trust us but I would also have let it go as I would understand that you only met once. I am not sure if I would let my child go with another family that I only met once.

1) No. I wouldn't. Especially for time additional outside the actual party.
2) No, I wouldn't feel offended. Probably a bit relieved since I would have other things I was stressing over getting done and being in charge of related to the party.
3) Why not?

I would imagine that she is probably in "recovery mode" after a party of 4 year olds. Maybe she is still helping her son through the "thank you" notes. Maybe they have family birthday stuff still in the works and she is preoccupied. Maybe she has a cold.

It could be any number of things. There is no reason to think she is offended. Did you feel like you "hit it off" at the initial meet/greet at her house? Unless you got an odd vibe from her, then assume the best and that it is just a bad/busy time for her. Or heck, maybe she doesn't even check her answering machine regularly. I don't. It's in our bedroom and I rarely notice it. Most people I know will call my cell phone if I don't pick up the home number. So anything on the machine is likely a dial tone from a solicitor. I don't make checking it part of my routine when I come home.

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Oh and as for calling, I wouldn't call again regarding the gift. She lives down the street. I would just drop it off to them. Either walk down with your son, deliver it and invite them to come play on x day, or join you at the park, or ____, Or if they aren't home, be prepared to leave the gift on the porch with a note "Sorry we missed you. Maybe the boys can get together one day next week?" or something like that.

1. I have a 4.5 year old and no, I would not let her go with anybody I had just met for any reason.
2. I would not be offended at all if you didn't take me up on the offer.
3. I probably would not try to reach out one more time, although I don't think there's anything wrong if you feel like that's what you should do. I would either drop it and save the present for the next party or leave it at their door.

Here are my answers:
1) no
2) no
3) yes

I don't recommend giving explanations. He's four, if you can't be at the party, the answer is no.

Well, really you made a big show of "auditioning" this other family to see if you felt comfortable sending your child to a birthday party with them, and then basically told them you didn't think they could keep your child safe for 4 hours. I can understand why she's offended.

Definitely do what you can to mend fences. Bring a birthday gift for the little boy, offer to have them over for a playdate... but understand that they may not go for any of it. :(

I think 4 is too young to be dropped off at a party.

I'd wait on reaching out again, maybe until you bump into them again or something. I might intentionally try to bump into them, though, since they live so close.

First of all, there is no way in hell I would have sent my 4-1/2-year-old off with ANYONE for a party!! And especially since they were going to a movie theater? NO WAY!!! At that age, if my husband nor I weren't available, he didn't go! Second, at that age, if I was available (or his dad) I would have taken him and stayed right there at the party - probably been a wall-flower, but I would have been there. In fact, we did this several times when he started school and just started meeting people. I wasn't the only mom that was always there in the background.

As for the rest of it, yes, I would have been very offended if after meeting me and my family, you still didn't attend the party. I would NOT, however, have been offended if you didn't want me driving your child. Although, at that age I probably wouldn't have offered. I was very uncomfortable driving other peoples' children at that age (I still am a little!).

As for trying to reach out again - no, I don't think I would. I'd let it cool down for awhile and then if you see them at a school event or something maybe say something. Otherwise, I'd just let it go.

In my opinion, you did the right thing in not letting him go with them!!

Good luck!!