My son will be 4 this January. My ex-husband (his dad) and I have recently divorced. In the past 2 months or so I have noticed that he is very quick to back talk me when I tell him to do something and especially if he doesn't want to do it. And he doesn't just do it with me, he does it with my parents too. Ex: I told him it was time to take a bath and he fought me and screamed the whole bath time. I was soaked by the time I got finished. I try to put him in time out and he won't stay...gets right up. If he gets in trouble and I am trying to reason with him and talk about it he says things like "you are not my best friend", "you are not the best", "i'm the boss and you're not", "i don't love you anymore". I mean things that you would never think a 3 year old would say. After the temper tantrum is over and we have both calmed down he realizes that his behavior was wrong. He does tell me that he misses his dad. And I completely understand that, that is a normal feeling, of course he misses him, but I can't help but get stressed out about his back talking. Is this just a phase? Please let me know if you have any suggestions!!!!!!!
No my ex husband and I did NOT ever fight in front of him or where he could hear. I am sure he could feel the tension between us, but my son was NOT subjected to it.
Has he heard a lot of fighting between you and ex? He learned the words from someone. Try talking with him before you ask him to do anything. ie, " In 5 min, you will need to have a bath, do you want to take these toys in the tub with you or not? Make a chart, stars for no problem at bathtime, etc. At the end of the week, some reward. He's having a hard time right now.
Developmentally, your three year old does not have the verbal skills to identify his feelings and explain his feelings. You are probably getting acting out behavior because he misses his daddy. Ask him if he wants to talk to his dad. Dial the telephone number for him and hand the telephone to him to talk. You can let your ex know the first time that you are putting him on the phone, but from then forward just dial the phone and let your son talk. Talking to daddy a few evenings a week may be all it takes to solve the problem.
I would encourage you to try to limit the power struggles with your 3 year old. Kids like choices. "Honey do you want to take your bath before or after supper?" "You need to pick up your toys. Do you want me to help or do you want to do it by yourself." By asking him to do things in that way you are giving him some control over his life. Children have lots of choices to make as they grow up. If you can start now teaching him how to make choices it will really pay off when he is a teenager. Don't ever forget...if he is having a tough time right now the best person to take it out on is you. You love him unconditionally and he knows it. No matter what he ever does you will love him and he knows it. That is not a bad thing. It gives him a space to act out the frustrations that he does not have the verbal skills to communicate yet. He is having a tough time. Just love him through it.
Instead of getting into an argument ask him questions and divert him. "Who loves you as big as the sky?" Mommy does. Daddy does. Grandma and grandpa do. etc. "Who loves you as big as the ocean?" Mommy does, etc. "Who do you love more than all the leaves on the tress?" He loves mommy. He loves daddy, etc. When my children were on my last nerve it always reminded not only them, but ME how much I loved them. Pretty soon this little game will divert him. Then ask him, "What toys do you want to play in the bathtub with tonight?" And he is telling you what toys and getting in the tub. Sometimes my 3 year old will say, "I don't want a bath tonight. Can I take one in the morning?" and I say sure, but we have to get up earlier to take one in the morning so you will have to go to bed a little earlier. You can start at 3 years old negotiating with them. Make it his decision if he wants to go to bed earlier and get up earlier to take a bath in the morning. Start now giving him choices. Life is all about choices and the more you give him choices the more "in control" he will feel in a situation where he has no control--mom and daddy are divorcing. Giving him choices about other areas of his life will help him through it.
There are great child therapists that do play therapy with 3 year olds in every community. Call your local mental health center or child advocacy center and get the names of 3 or 4 of the best children's therapists in your community and schedule an appointment. Your little one may just need someone to talk through what he is feeling.
Good luck to you and your little one through this tough time in your lives!
OMG! This sounds exactly like my 4 year old! He just turned 4 in July. Me and his father also recently split up (back in February) We were together for 7 years. We also just moved in with my boyfriend and he switched daycares, so I feel a lot of his frustration! I know what you are going through and it is horrible! My son also says those exact things, along with "I hate you" and telling me to "shut up" and that I am stupid. I am hoping that it is just a "phase" and that he will grow out of it??? I try not to get angry, but it is very hard not to do! I hope that things get better for you. :) I just want you to know that you are not alone and that there are other mother's going through this also. (me anyways) LOL...Good luck!
A divorce is very traumatic at any age to the children. They are not as resilient as people say.. they hurt 10 times worse. His little world has been turned upside down. He is acting out, and probably copying actions he has seen. Is there no chance of reconciation?? Counseling? That little boy did not ask to be here, his parents chose that, and now they are choosing to break up his worls and security. He is scared, and probably feels a little responsible. Get to a church and let him feel as much love and security as possible. Good luck and God Bless.
Welcome to the "smart mouth" or "know-it-all" stage. He is going to push your buttons and see just how far he can take it. You have to stand your ground and use whatever punishment that you use. If it is time out, and he gets up, you put him back on the stool or chair or whatever you use until he sits there for 3 minutes. If that is not working, you have to take away a favorite toy for a day. When he says that he does not love you, you tell him that is too bad because you love him very much. He will say hurtful things but he does not mean them, he is just mad. Don't let on that you have any guilt about you and his dad being divorced because he will use that too. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. Best wishes to you!!
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It is in the Bible ~ Spare the rod; spoil the child. I am from the old school, I don't care what has happened, there is only so much back talking you are going to do to any adult (respect your elders). Time out does what?? Nothing & that is why he got up. You need to let your son know that he is loved & that the decision you & your husband (his dad) made has NOTHING to do with him. Reassure him that you both love him dearly, but things just did not workout with you & dad. I am not certain if a 4yo can comprehend that, but I know my 7yo son did when me & my husband separated. I had to reassure him of our love for him & the love his father & I have for each other although things "didn't work out". You both have a responsibility (put all other feelings aside) to show him that you both can be caring & respectful to one another; if for no other reason, but for his little peace of mind. I felt that gave my son a since of peace. My brother & I are products of a divorce at a early age & we turned out just fine. My mother didn't hesitate to tell us she loved & use the belt at the same time; with no assistance from our father & she never downtalked my father to us. She only said, when we got old enough to truly understand, that he loves us, but has alot of things he need to workout for himself. I know there are alot of websites & special technics out there for people to use regarding this matter. Seek out what you need for help. However, please don't forget to pray for your child regularly. While he is sleep put your hands on him & pray over him; for him to have peace in his heart & mind so he can be the happy little boy that he used to be. Pray for your own peace of mind & God's direction in the matter. Through God, you & your son can get through this!! Peace & Blessings to you both!
Hi there. The best parenting program I have found is love and logic (loveandlogic.com). I don't agree with all ideas but I like a lot if them or I tailor them to my comfort. I'm pretty sure they have products for split families. They talk a lot about choices and consequences. You can give him a choice to take a bath now or in ten minutes. We all want control and that is a way to give him some. You pick 2 things that you are fine with and let him choose. There are a lot of wonderful ideas!
Good luck & God bless
just a suggestion but do you think he acts out on you thinking that if he pushes you just enough then you will "bring his daddy back home"? me and my husband split last march and even though it was only 5 months my son did the same thing he acted out back talked me would try to hit on me and yelled at me all the time it made me feel as if i was either doing something wrong or just wasnt hard enough on him i couldnt figure it out but once me an his dad worked things out and we were a "family" again he isnt as bad but when his dad goes to work and it is just me an him he still thinks he is the boss and things should go his way but like i said when his dad is around he is a good kid maybe it is a boy thing they think that if there isnt any other man in the house then they should take on that roll of "man of the house" maybe you should talk to his dad about it an let his dad explain to him that you don't be mean to your mom i mean it may be a long shot but maybe wouldnt hurt to try?
