Am I a Helicopter Mom?

No, not a helicopter mom. A helicopter mom would have taken her daughter right on over to the neighbor girl and tried to get the neighbor girl to respond. You did fine. I would have done the same thing.

No, that is not being a helicopter parent. I am about as anti helicopter as they get and that was not helicopter. The child is 3 !

Helicopter is a term for a hovering overprotective mom. If the child was five you would have been a helicopter mom. At three, not so much.

You would be a helicopter mom if she were 10. She's 3.5. :-) They need adult assistance to understand social context. They don't just figure it out. If they did, why would they need adults?:-)

No, you are not a helicopter mom. I would have done the same. In fact, I probably would have said really loud " Little Suzy is pretending she cant hear you and that isnt very nice. That isnt how we treat our friends, so we are going to leave her alone now." My daughters little neighborhood friend used to do that all the time (and the mom would just look at her with a blank look) . I would always call her out. They need guidance at that age to learn how they are supposed to be treated.

We had the same issue with neighbors when my son was 3. The boys were all about a year older. My son would bring them cookies, toys, and stand on his head to get them to like them. But, they basically ignored him. We told him that we weren't going to let him play with these boys anymore. A month later, we met other neighbors who have now been our best friends for 5 year. If your child isn't fitting in....search for the right friends. I don't think you made a bad call by asking your daughter to go home.

Well, what you did -- accidentally -- was teach your child that when she has a problem, she should just quit. Just leave. Avoid the problem, not learn how to solve it.

Yes, a three year old needs help with this sort of thing. But there were other, more positive things you could have done. You could have joined in their play, modeling inclusive behavior for the other child, and distracting your child from the thing she was doing that was bugging the other girl. You could have taken your child aside and asked her "what's going on?" and "how do you feel about that?" and (most importantly), "what do you think you could do to make this better?"

The last thing you could have done is remembered that the neighbor girl is also only three, and not ascribed any negative personality traits to her behavior, which was typical, and not coldhearted, as you may have taken it.

I highly recommend that you check out the website (or the book) called Free Range Kids, by Lenore Skenazy. You don't have to agree with everything she says, but would probably get some food for thought, and some encouragement to allow your child to have problems, so that she can get experience in coping with setbacks, and in problem-solving. By protecting her every time, you rob her of the opportunity to learn, not to mention the opportunities for learning independence and resiliency. Another book you could check out is called The Blessing of A Skinned Knee, by (I think) Wendy Mogel.

Remember, if you treat your child like she is helpless and must rely on your protection at all times, she *will be* helpless. But if you treat her as competent, she will feel that you think highly of her abilities, which will make her feel much better about herself than the first option.

You are a wonderful and loving mother. It is terrific and speaks highly of you that you were willing to post this question. I know you will figure it all out.

I would have intervened earlier and helped the other child with more appropriate boundaries. Something like:

"(Daughter's name) is talking to you. If you are all done playing, you can tell her that. But you can't just ignore her."

Help the other child state her needs/wants in a clear and polite way, such as "I'm all done playing now" or "I'm not interested in that" or "I want to do something else" or "I want to play alone now" or "I don't feel like talking."

*Then* say "honey, it's time to go home" and end the playdate.

This type of social interaction is really difficult for 3 year olds and adults too. Ever had to figure out how to get rid of a guest who had overstayed their welcome? Assisting children with difficult social situations isn't being a helicopter mom. Try to use each of these situations as a teaching opportunity, though, so your daughter (and her friend) will eventually learn how to do it for herself.

Nope, I would have done the same thing. In fact I have with our almost 4 year old son.

That is not helicopter parenting in my opinion. I would have done the same thing. To me, helicopter parenting in this scenario would have looked like the parent desperately trying to help get this girl's attention as well. You let your child try to interact with this other child for a few minutes and then diverted her attention to something else-going home. Obviously the other girl was loving this attention-even though she was making a huge point NOT to acknowledge your daughter. By interceding, you showed your daughter that she doesn't have to reduce herself to the level of a doormat to befriend others and the other girl that you won't put up with this sort of behavior. Yes, we need to let our kids figure things out for themselves and let them endure a certain amount of struggle because that is when true learning takes place, but redirection needs to happen if they seem stuck. Your daughter at 3 years old, was stuck so you stepped in, in an appropriate way.
HTH,
A.

That's called guidance. You did great.

Helicoptering would have been to step in, take your child over to her, tell her what to say, tell the other child what to say/how to act to your child. Or to go get the other child and demand that they behave in the way your daughter wants them to behave, when what she was doing was perfectly acceptable (either concentrating on something else, or ignoring someone who is annoying her). Now, if they had BOTH been your daughters, than it would have been your place to direct their interaction to a degree (although it's 50/50 on whether you'd tell one to stop pestering her sister, or the other not to ignore someone talking to them), but the other girl wasn't your child.

I agree with the other moms but also wanted to add that you should enroll your daughter in pre-school! Around age 2-3 is when they really develop socially and just part-time enrollment at preschool can be really fun and educational. that way your daughter won't be so desperate for friends too since she'll have a lot more opportunities to socialize :)

What you did, which is what I would have done, is teach her that if someone is being rude to her, she doesn't have to put up with it. She doesn't have to play with someone who is ignoring her and it will teach the neighbor that if she is rude to her friends she won't have them there to play with. If it was very obvious that the girl was ignoring her, then you did the right thing although I would probably have pointed out to the other girl first that ignoring her friend isn't a nice way to be so she knows her behavior is why you were leaving. If she isn't aware of the problem she can't learn from it. Now if your daughter wanted her friend's attention on her constently then you might explain to your daughter that it is ok to want attention from her friend, but she shouldn't have to be constantly watching her play. Again if your daughter isn't aware of the problem, she can't learn from it either.

I would have done one of two things...the same thing you did or I would have said "Hey Suzy, do you hear Lori speaking to you? Would you please answer her?"

I think it was a teaching moment for both...the neighbor's child in that ignoring someone you know is speaking to you is rude and your child in how to realize when someone is ignoring you and how to move on.

You are not a helicopter mom. Your daughter is 3 not 13!

never heard of a "helicopter mom". but if i were in that situation I would have done the same thing, why let your daughter continue to get upset and have her feelings hurt.

You don't sound like a "helicoptering mom" to me. I think your daughter was figuring it out on her own, you just helped her get away from the situation.

If you had gone over to the other child and said something to her about her behavior, THEN I would say "back off, Mom, let the girls work it out."

I would have done what you did ; )

I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't think you are hovering, I probably would have interferred, but not sure I would have left. Maybe said what Leah A suggested below but asked if she wanted to go? Or encouraged her to play on her own for a while. Once the friend wasn't being sought after anymore she probably would have come back to playing. Honestly, the ignoring thing is a 3 year old trait, I've seen it many times. Good luck!

I agree with CAWriter....helicoptering would have been to try to make the kids play nice.
That has happened with my eldest a few times, especially when he's trying to "impress" older children (older being 6, lol). I've just said "Come on big man, it looks like __ doesn't want to play right now". I stay outwardly calm, even exaggeratedly casual (because on the inside, sometimes it really angered me which I knew was stupid, but couldn't help "feeling" angry that someone would hurt my son's feelings).....I'd just bring him out to the backyard and dig in the garden with him, or eat a popsicle with him, or something he'd enjoy that was quiet, so I could explain a little. "When __ wasn't answering, that looked like he didn't want to play right then, didn't it? Sometimes, children don't know how to play nicely and they can look like they're being kinda mean. How did that make you feel? I think if someone acts like they don't want to play, there are plenty of things you can do that won't make you feel bad. That's happened to me before, and I just leave and go do ___". Then we'll discuss how we don't want to act like that and make other people feel bad, because that's not playing nice. Just turn it into a learning experience, but without the emotions in it (you can acknowledge feelings, but don't get huffy or whatever, ya know?) I think you did perfectly. 3 year olds don't know the "social rules" or all the cues that we learn to pick up on as we get older. There's nothing wrong with teaching those rules and cues, in my opinion. If that was happening and my son was 10, I may wait longer, or discuss it with him when he got home. (Not sure, because we haven't gotten there yet). You don't need your friend dictating how to parent, in my opinion.....you did just fine.

She's only 3. I think what you did was fine. If she were 8 years old, perhaps she could handle it on her own. But we're mommies and we never want to see our children being ignored by their friends or have hurt feelings. And at 3 or 4, even 5, sometimes they just don't know how to handle it. I would have done the same thing.

My son is in the same boat as your daughter, but I would have let him figure it out. It is so tempting to help them, I know, but something small like this should have been ignored. People always want attention (hey, look at me, I got a job promotion!) and there will always be people who are just too busy (oh, that's nice, let me tell you about MY day!) and your daughter needs to learn that it's okay to not always get immediate attention and acknowledgment. I don't think you did anything "wrong" or detrimental, I would just back off a bit next time and see how she handles it. It will be a big window into how she will handle things down the road.

I do not think you are being a helicopter parent, though I would not have left so early. You can nicely intervene, that's how kids learn to play. By walking away, they are not learning how to cope and play. She may have felt like she was being punished as well.

Have you looked into MOMS Club. Get way to get her with other kids and you some adult conversation.

I agree. Not everyone wants friends and sometimes they don't know how to have multiple friends or she could have been in a bad mood. 3 isn't very old. I would whisk them away too.

Personally? I don't think that's a helicopter mom - however, I wouldn't have said anything...

I MIGHT have re-directed her.
I MIGHT have told her something like - she doesn't want to play with you - sometimes that happens.

You need to do what works for your daughter and family. My kids are different than yours so what I would do might not work for your daughter.

I also ensure that my kids had social play dates when they were younger.
I also don't encourage my children to "do anything to make" another child play or notice them...I am trying to encourage my children to think for themselves....yeah - it's a fine line - but I get frustrated with my kids for saying "I like cats" when their friends say it...I tell my kids that they don't have to like everything that someone else likes...

Unless the neighbor girl was being mean or rude, or there was impending doom or injury, I would have let them be.

At this age kids don't really play "together" so much as they play "near" each other. Your daughter is going to have to deal with all kinds of personalities while growing up; give her the opportunity to figure out how *she* wants to deal with them.

Your friend is wrong. You did the right thing.

Nah, I think your reaction was totally reasonable, and you were helping your daughter understand when enough was enough. They need help at 3 with learning that kind of thing. You did just right, mama!

SHES 3!! Im 28 and still dont understand why the kid is ignoring her!

Your friend needs to stop giving advice.

I wouldn't call what you did being a helicopter parent. I think of that as a parent who won't let their kid do anything lest they get a skinned knee. Or dive in between two toddlers fighting over a toy, which for that kind of thing, kids need to figure out on their own. If a child was ignoring mine, who was just standing there continuing to call out, I would have done the same as you. I may have added at the beginning "so and so doesn't want to play right now, so let's go home." I think your bigger burden is trying to find a wider circle of friends, either play groups or some preschool. At this age, I think they really need to start developing multiple friendships so they can develop socially and recognize the signs when someone doesn't want to play with them.

No. Not even remotely close to being an HM. Someone else said it best, your child is use to attention from you.

But when you said referring to the other girl

****That's not unheard of for this girl, by the way****

Right off I thought you may not have chosen the right playmate for your child if you know the other girl has a habit of doing such things as ignoring, not wanting to engage, etc. That's okay, too. They know what they want and don't want just like adults.

So, broaden the social opportunities. Find drop-in groups if you can afford the additonal $5 or $10 expense for play time. Check with local libraries for playgroups her age, story time, sing along time, etc. There's a lot out there. Don't limit yourself to friends and neighbors. People you know are usually the most fickle anyway. Seriously.

My child is in an early learning center 2 days/week and loves it. She looks forward to going and the structure has done her well!!! Also, it gives her perspective from classroom expectations opposed to what mommy says, or does. She transfers a lot of skills between school/home, etc. The kids fight there, ignore one another, no big deal, not even when we go to the library and the drop-in groups.

I tend to say,

let's move on to something else, Rarely do I leave. Sometimes the other kids will join in later, and vice versa, but if not, teach her it's okay to be independent, too.

When your child feels alienated, etc in social settings, that's also another opportunity for you to engage with your daughter outside of home. If someone else shows no interest, you can say, I see you and you look wonderful, etc. Sometimes other kids perk up when they hear that level of excitement and join in.

Basically you can control the direction of your child's play date/social experiences by always being within a hugs reach to let her know you care/paying attention and are ready to fill the void.

wow when I read this I was shocked at how quick others are judging your parenting.... I have a now 20yr old and 17yr old the best advice I can give you is to NOT listen to any other parent that says something like that when you have a 3 1/2yr old.... oh my gosh were not perfect and really there is no "right way" to handle things, you will face MANY of these challenges and question yourself but just follow what feels right. I think you did the right thing, she has many many more years to learn how hurtful others can be and there will be times when other children will be mean and she will learn how to handle them on her own just fine. Middle School/High School will be the toughest of times but by then she will have developed her own confidence and react accordingly. Teach her to love herself and that she is worthy of good friendships, but not everyone will be her friend and thats ok. :)

Over-protective parents. What does that term really mean? Society is changing, and the “norm” for parents is changing too. Below, I will touch on these and other elements of the label of “over-protective parent”.

When I was young, forty years ago, many cars did not have seat belts at all. We would go for car rides, unbelted, sometimes even laying on the back deck of the car (right under the rear window). This was not perceived to be a major safety risk at the time: it was just a fun Sunday car ride.

Forty years ago, I walked to school about a half mile from my home . . . and I was not escorted by a parent. While it is true that kidnappers, pedophiles, and murderers existed at that time, we, as a culture, did not emphasize those potential dangers as we do today. My walk to school was not considered to be risky. To use a trite phrase, “everybody (was) doing it.”

Forty years ago, a group of my friends and I swam in a nearby lake . . . with no lifeguard on duty and no adult present. We thought water that looked clean was clean and clear of contaminants. We never really thought about the risk of drowning or of breaking our necks when we dove into the water. Our parents thought what we were doing was “good, clean fun”.

If parents today allowed their children to do any of the above, those parents would likely be viewed (at least by many) as negligent. What seems reasonable to parents today would have seemed over-protective to the parents of 40 years ago.

If it is true that what constitutes “over-protective” is subjective and time-specific, then is it possible to create a definition of the term that can accommodate the vicissitudes? I would like to offer the following: an over-protective parent is a parent who has heightened sensitivity to risks, as compared to the sensitivity level of the “average” parent in the society of the time, and who responds to those perceived risks by attempting to minimize their children’s exposure to them.

Most of us, as parents, experience at least some degree of anxiety about some of the risks our children face today. Over-protective parents simply experience greater risk-related anxiety than their “average” contemporary. Also, “average” parents may differ from over-protective parents in the life lessons that they choose to emphasize and how important those lessons are to them. For example, what is more important: minimizing risks to increase safety or fostering confidence, bravery, and coping skills in a world that will always involve some degree of risk? In the end, we all have the same goal at heart: to love our children and help them grow to be safe, healthy, happy, productive adults.

I still have to redirect my 6 year old at times. Children who don't get as much social interaction with other children (mine don't) are generally very sweet to other children, very eager to please, etc. You have to protect them, otherwise they will become jaded about other children. They tend to have a more positive outlook on "playing with others" because they aren't bored of it...which, in my opinion, is JUST the way it should be. You did the right thing.

I am truly not anything resembling a helicopter parent and I don't really think that's what you were doing. Your child is three and doesn't know much about social skills so you need to teach her how to handle certain situations. While the neighbor girl wasn't being very polite, it's also important for your daughter to know that while she may be the focus of your attention if you are home together all the time, not everyone will want to look at her just because she wants to command their attention. I am sorry if that sounds harsh or rude, probably it does but kids do need to learn that they are not the center of attention for everyone and if the other kid was in the middle of something, she didn't want to look up right that second. Maybe it didn't happen that way at all, but it's just a possible social situation. Maybe it's time to expand her social circle a little, and join a playgroup or sign her up for 2 mornings a week of preschool.

No, you did the right thing! I would have responded the exact same way.

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Nope, you weren't overly interfering; you did not try to get the other girl's attention and focus it back on your child, nor did you try to over-explain things to your daughter, etc. You might have left it longer to see how your child worked it out (or didn't) but don't stress over what you did.

Your daughter sounds like a perfect kid for preschool. She would thrive there and get so much out of a good preschool setting. Preschool teaches a lot of social skills that are vital before kids enter kindergarten. She's already wonderfully social but it would help her to have the regular interaction with other kids in a class-like setting, not just a once-a-week dance class etc. She'd love it.

I don't think so (But I know how you feel- are you ever at the playground or something and see all these kids going crazy and think 'where are the parents?!')
The one thing I would say (since you asked) is that I disagree a bit with some posters. Unless another child is endangering mine in some way or I've been asked to supervise, I don't correct another child's behavior. So I wouldn't have told her to listen, as some suggested. I mean, the other girl is 3 too, so that's pretty appropriate behavior on her part as well. You could use that situation as a teachable momment for your daughter to say something like, "sometimes people don't answer and it means they're done playing" or "she doesn't hear you anymore so she must be thinking about something else. " and then just like you did, "it's time to go". And if the other child overhears, great.