Am I Crazy!!?? - Evansville,IN

I would be upset about the smoking. Her father should be responsible enough to realize that she should not have to inhale second hand smoke. The underwear thing is weird too.

You have every right to have an opinion on how your daughter is taken care of while not in your presence(sp). The problem is that right now, you are coming off as an ogre. You are not going to get anywhere with either of them that way. The girlfriend is definitely overstepping her bounds as far as showing up at school, etc. Calling the boys "brothers" is not a big deal. As a child of divorce myself, I still call my dad's ex-girlfriend's kids my step-siblings. They have been split up for 20 yrs! I don't even have contact with them anymore, but they were an important part of my life for several years as a child, and that is all that matters. The fact is that dad has moved on with his life, and no matter what you think of her, it includes the girlfriend at least for now. Your duty is to make sure that whatever happens, your daughter has stability in you. We can't shelter them from all of the trials and tribulations. We can only do our best to make it easier on them. I am having the same battles with my ex and his girlfriend right now. He moved in with her almost a year ago, and my oldest son lives with them. She is the mother of an only child, and it has been battles since day 1. I have found that approaching problems in a non-confronting way, and explaining to my ex that we need to continue to work TOGETHER as parents of our son instead of against each other. As your daughter gets older she will learn how to use your bickering against the 2 of you to get her way and things she wants. My son has tried the same, sometimes successfully! He is attempting it right now, and my ex is falling for it. It won't be easy, and many more arguments will ensue. It is so worth the effort, and what a wonderful example to set for your daughter. As far as the dirty house, there is a difference between dirty and cluttered. When I had 1 child (5yrs between the 1st two,) I had an immaculate house. Now that I have 3, it's a whole different story! I barely can keep up on enough clean clothes for the week!

First and foremost, if they are smoking in the house with her there, they are quietly hurting her. I would get an attorney and see if you can get a court order where they have to visit with her in a non-smoking environment.

The woman sounds "out there". Make sure the school knows that she is not to take off with your child. There's no reason she should be showing up at the school, unless your daughter forgot something that they have.

As far as calling their sons "brother", I don't see a problem with that. Maybe that's because I have a stepson and a 1 year old and we refer to my stepson as his brother. It's too confusing to kids that little what a stepbrother is vs. a brother. Myself, I'd let that one go. If those are his boys, they are technically brothers of hers, even if not your children.

Good luck!

HI K.. I feal your anger and I understand it. Your agner makes sense to me on many different levels. I understand that alot of the things going on at Dad's house seems strange to you and possible even your daughter. In all honesty, you don't have any reason to contact an atty or to go to Court. My husband's daughter was Sharing a bed with an adult, his son was sleeping on the floor in the living room, and the youngest boy (her son, age 6-7) was sleeping with her. Guess what the Court said "Hmm doesn't sound like a healthy environment, they should have their own bed & have a bedroom" and then sent the kids back to live there. Honest to God; they didn't really care about that kind of thing.
I would ask the g/f about taking things to the school. She might actually think she is helping. I never took things to the school, but I would take them to the kids' mother at her work (she worked in the same town as us but lived 30-60 min away) b.c I felt that the kids should have the item or needed the items. As odd as the g/f appears to you, she might have the best of intentions. Hope that helps

K. Hi!! I will tell you that you are not crazy. But for the most part you can not be mad that her house is dirty or that they smoke in there own house. Unless your daughter has a medical condition than I would be upset about that. And Yes I would be upset if my daughter has to call someone else kids her brother when they are not her brothers. They are not married so there is no reason for that. I have a daughter of my own who is 10 and I do not get along with my baby's daddy girlfriend. And I told my daughter's dad that his girlfriend is not to attend any of our daughters school meetings. Due to the fact me and him are the parents not her. And she is not to go to the school for anything nor pick her up when he is unable to. It is mine and his responsibility to do that not her. And if he is unable to attend or pick her up he needs to let me know. Now she will come to my daughters sports events with him I just cringe when I see them together but they stay far enough away from me. I also know how you feel that she the girlfriend turned him into her because my daughters father and I use to get along and now we can't even hardly have a conversation. He is just plain out nasty to me especially when the girlfriend is around. My advise to you is to explain to your daughter that those are not her brothers and that her dad and his girlfriend are not married so they are nothing to her at this time. And I would also tell him that since his relationship with his girlfriend is not stable why would he brain wash the poor little girl of those boys being her brothers. And you need to have a talk with Joe that the girlfriend is not her mother and she has no business showing up at the school and doctor appointments. And I would let the school know that you are the mother to being attending and that the girlfriend has no bussiness showing up. Well I am 34year old mom who knows what you are going thru and have a little girl who is 10yrs old. My name is V. by the way. Good Luck!!

File for full physical and legal custody immediately. Your ex is obviously more concerned with his newest lady than with his daughter's wellbeing.
You may not want to do this, but if you don't, you will have subscribed to his behavior, become a noncomplacent parent, and allowed dysfunctional behavior.
He is obviously not willing to communicate, coparent, or negotiate.
Do not play games. Set this in stone, limit their time, make him accountable, and do what you feel is best for your child.
Otherwise, he may pull you into his quagmire of dysfunction, and you will pay for it as will your daughter.

No, but you are letting the tail wag the dog. Step back a minute and get an objective eye. I have always found that when you stop reacting and start responding, you take back control of the situation. Your ex clearly has issues himself and she certainly has some major issues. How all of this affects your daughter is the first priority. There needs to be some boundaries placed around how your daughter is treated. So, if you do not have a legal agreement on child custody, then you should look into getting one that should include the issue of smoking, since it has been proven that second hand smoke is deadly. If he wants to visit with her, they have to provide a smoke free environment or he will need to visit with her away from his house. You also need to inform her school that she is not to be allowed to take your daughter from there at any time. She sounds a bit loopy, if I understand your message and to show up at your daughter's school unannounced is definitely a concern. And they are right what they do in their house is their business but what they do in their house while your daughter is there is yours. If you can't talk to him in a collaborative manner, then it's time for third party arbitration.

Some of your feelings are vaild! I would go to the school and have it written that the girlfriend is not to pick up your daughter from school. And if she does pick up your daughter the school can be held accountable. Tell the nurse that she is not to be in the examine room. I do not agree with a lot of things that go on while my children are with their dad, ie adult movies, drinking, fighting and so much more. As her mom you wanna keep her safe but when it comes down to it, sadly, there is not a lot we can do as mom's besides talking to the other party. Belive me I have tried! Good Luck to you.
C.

First K. hsve you been to court to work out visitation? I would point out to the judge you are afraid of second hand smoke and there must be something to it or We would not have a smoking band in effect and while my parents both smoked when I was young and I do live with a smoking member of my family (my son). I have not had any advise effects but sometimes people do. One thing I do not believe gentic have anything to do with smoking. I never have smoked and don't want to. I will say I did have a number of ear infections and am almost deaf. That's nothing aspect of passive smoking. Not just breathing issues. Does he pay child support? That's another issue to get addressed if you go to court. Call CPS and ask if a Dora bed is a good subsitute for a real bed for her. You could also tell them of your concerns and honestly if they feel it is wrong for her to be there you could also get into trouble if you allow it to continue. Also does her school days suffer when these things are happening. I cannot imagine things would not be effected by it. If nothing else I am sure she picks up that your upset. If he has no visitation rights could you possably move and not tell him. I wouldn't go too far unlss he knows where you work he could stalk you and follow you home. Maybe look into a transfer with the company you work for. It would still be close enough to your support group but far enough that he might not find you.

Hi K.! Oh my god heck ya you should be mad! I would be! First of all second hand smoke is the worst! and they should be smoking outside and not putting her in her right underwear is just plain strange! The girlfriend shouldn't be showing up out of the blue without asking you or telling you and your daughter doesnt need to be calling her dads girlfriends kids brother! You need to talk to your daughter and then you need to talk to your ex husband and put down some ground rules! I would be worried about the safety of your daughter! Good Luck! I have been married for 11 years and i have a 6 year old daughter, a 16 month old daughter and a 8 year old son. H. H.

I can understand your frustration. Just because her house is messy does not make it dirty or unsafe for your child. If she wants to smoke in her house and your child does not have an allergy frankly it is none of your business. If they want to smoke in their yard or car it is none of your business. I can accept you would prefer your daughter not be around the smoke, but still it is not your home, yard or car. As for the underwear, maybe they just accidently picked up the wrong size, maybe they bought it with the idea she would soon grow into it. If it isn't falling off of her and it is clean you are nit picking. No, if they are not married then the lady's children are not your daughter's step-type-brothers and she should not refer to them as such, but it might be easier for her to do so than to have to try to explain the relationship everywhere they go. I wouldn't like that one much, myself. If she shows up to pick up your daughter on the days your daughter is supposed to be going to their home I can understand it. Are you sure her children do not attend the same school? You didn't mention where the boys go to school. As for her showing up at a physician's appointment, how would they even know there was an appointment if you didn't offer the information???? As for where your daughter sleeps why is this such a problem for you? She has a place to sleep, they aren't putting her on the floor are they? Making her sleep in a sleeping bag in the basement or something are they? She does have a place to sleep. I would ask at this time if he is paying child support and if the visitation is court ordered or not. If not then you need to just say you don't want her to go to his home anymore and be done with it. Otherwise there are some things you just need to get over and one of them is how many times his girlfriend and he break up and get back together because frankly that isn't any of your business either.

Hi K.,
You have a right to stick up for your daughter.Does he knwo second hand smoke is so much worse? Plus if she has asthma or any other medical issues he is seriously messing with ther health.
Have you asked her why she is showing up at lunches, drs appointments and such? It's sounds crazy to me but maybe it is her odd way of showing she is invovled with her, i really dont think so because then they wouldnt smoke around her. At the next drs appointment she shows up to have the dr mention how harmful second hand smoke is.
You are a mother and want only whats best for her and maybe you can go as far as askign the courts to stop visitation until they agree to stop smoking in front of her.
Best of luck

No I don't think you are Crazy. If you don't want your daughter around cigarette smoke tell your ex this and if he refuses to change it then don't allow him time with her.Since her boys are not bllod related they would only be brothers if they got married and then would become step brothers.It sounds as if your ex is letting her run the show so to speak and is not putting your daughter first.But it also sounds as if his girl friend is a vert dominating person and showing up where she is not needed or wanted indicates to me that she is trying to prove to him how much she thinks of your daughter.Maybe she always wanted a daughter and never got one.She is not her step Mom and should respect your requests.If it were my daughter she would not be subjected to this woman at all.You can always talk to your attorney about it and have his visitation limited to his parents home without the smoke and other things that upset you.You can also keep this woman completely away from your daughter if you feel she is a accident waiting to happen.You can do this legally and if the rules are not followed she will be charged .
I wouldn't be Mad, Angry but very concerned .

Dear K.,

No, you are not crazy. One way to look at this is that your daughter will realize what her dad is doing to her and eventually she will stop going to see him. Is there some kind of court order she has to go to him at all? Do you do the shared parenting or is he an every other weekend dad? Regardless, if the court was involved you can get a mediator. I am not sure if this service is free or not but you can plead your case to the mediator and they write up a law abiding contract for you and her dad to sign. You can include things like "No one is to take my daughter to get her hair cut but me, the mother" Anything you don't want him or her to do with your daughter can be written down. Only if he does not agree does it then go to small claims court-I believe. I am actually in the process of doing this. My ex-husbands wife likes to take my daughter to get her hair cut on a monthly basis and takes her to cheap places that the girls don't know how to cut bangs-I have pictures to prove it. There is a lot more but this is about you and your daughter. Anyway, if nothing has been settled in court about visitation, don't sweat it! Get it done and do it with a lawyer no matter the cost-your daughter and her safety is worth it! I do not know what state you are in but most states are on the side of the mother including Ohio where I live and I don't believe any judge would side with a father who is in an on again off again relationship! You have a fight, and a right, take care of your little girl!
Good luck!
-H.-

Hi Kelly,
First, I would say that you're not crazy. I think you have grounds to be up. Like others who have responded, you didn't mention what your custody arrangements are, or visitation agreements are, so if there isn't one 'set in stone', I would most definitely start there.
As far as the smoking, you have every right to be upset that they are smoking around her. I can understand that Joe thinks you are 'bossing' him around if you are screaming, yelling, ect, about what he does in 'his' house, HOWEVER, I like the suggestion that you make a Dr's appt for her and have Joe (and the girlfriend) go and have the Dr explain the side effects of second hand smoke. I smoke, BUT I do NEVER smoke in the house and most of the time, I change clothes when I come back in. Joe is right, it is his house, however, in a court, the fact that his daughters health is put into jeopardy because they smoke around her could affect his visitation rights.
As far as her showing up at school/dr appts? Since you didn't mention your custody agreement, are there days where Joe is supposed to pick up your daughter? And if you inform them of the Dr Appts, is she showing up to try to be involved, or trying to be manipulative? Being a stepmother myself, AND have a stepmother for my children, I can see both sides of the coin. As a stepmother, I love my stepchildren no different and I am always calling to check on them, ect. Having a stepmother for my children, I am fortunate that I do like her and we get along, but she does the same, she calls to check on them, ect, even when their dad doesn't. I would make sure, especially for the time being, that the school knows that only you can pick your child up from school and only you are allowed to sign anything, ect. I know at my Dr office, you have to show ID when you bring your child in, especially if it's someone that they don't recognize, to be sure you are allowed to authorize treatment. So if my husband takes my children to the dr, he has to show ID to prove he is their stepdad and allowed to authorize treatment.
I would definitely start with a solid custody and visitation agreement. And sit down and have a nice, calm talk with Joe. If his g/f is going to be a permanent thing in his life, she might have to be included in the conversation. Even though you may not like that and you many think that she has no right, I would rather make her involved so that she is VERY aware of how you & Joe agree to raise your daughter and to make sure she is 'on the same page' so that her involvment is the same. It would only benefit your daughter.
OH, and as far as the brother thing. When my husband & I got together, we let our children progress to calling eachother 'brother' or 'sister'. We didn't force it, or make it rule, we just let it progress. If they wanted to call eachother that, that was fine, if they didn't, that was fine too. We took the time to explain to them (the little ones generally) what it meant to have 'step' siblings (and parents for that matter) and allowed them to feel what they felt. It honestly didn't take long, simply because they love eachother that much. They only thing that could be damaging for your daughter is if they do break up often, and that could be more than confusing for her.
Good Luck!
D.

I personally think you are right!! you have every right to be bothered by a disaster of a house or smoking in a house when YOUR child is going to have to be in those situations!!!! I would be mad too!!! and the whole size ten panties so her privates can breathe is very weird!!!

I dont think that you are crazy. I think you have a right as a mother to protect your daughter. The fact that they are putting on size 10 underwear on her is ridiculous!! I think the girlfriend has a problem. It almost sounds like she is stalking you whereever you go. Its like she knows what your schedule is for the day. I would be upset too.

M. R

What are the custody arrangements?

First... I do not smoke, never have, and my husband quite smoking about 7 months ago BUT it is an adults legal right to smoke within his or her own home. Not that I agree with smoking around children. I think if you acted as an adult and sat down with them CALMLY to discuss your concerns for the daughters sake it may go over a little easier. If you are fighting with him about it telling them that they are NOT to be doing something in their own house, how do you expect them to act? They are going to get defensive and tell you to stick it where the sun don't shine. If that doesn't work then you will just have to live with it as he is her dad and it IS their home!

Second... What is the harm in her calling these two boys "brothers"? So what!! Is it hurting your daughter? My guess is no. It is a word and what is wrong with her having more family to love? My children started calling my in-laws grandma and grandpa from the day we met them. Family is family whether they are blood, half, step or adopted. Stop dwelling on this and get on with your life!!

Third... The school issue. I don't understand why she is showing up at these places. I think that letting the school know that unless it is your exes time to pick up your daughter from school then she is to leave with no-one but you, unless otherwise told, would be a good idea. Again, what are the custody arrangements? I wouldn't tell the school that the new girlfriend is to NEVER pick her up because it may come back to bite you in the butt at some point. If she is showing up at Dr's appointments etc stop telling them about them until they are over with. If she lives with you and they are not taking her to the appointment then it won't hurt to inform them that she had a Dr's appt and this is what was said. Again, what does the custody agreement say? My advice is to never go against a custody agreement as you will be observed as the non-faciliting parent and that could cost you custody in itself. Courts frown very highly against parents that talk badly or act badly towards the non-custodial parent. I would definitely be careful in how you talk about your ex in front of and to your daughter. It WILL haunt you later on. Maybe not tomorrow or in 2 years but it will. I promise!!

Fourth... The clothes. Do you send clothes with her? Really the only way to "control" what she wears is to send it with her. I don't understand the whole "private parts breathing". I have been a mom for 22 years and have never heard such a thing. I really don't know what to tell you except for what I already did and to stop harping on them about it. You can not "control" anything that goes on there so again, if you want her to wear the proper sizes then send the clothes with her.

I really would love to caution you on trying to "control" the situation. The only person you can "control" is yourself. You can not make someone do something and if you try it will backfire. If you let them know that they are upseting you that is what they want. STOP letting them!! Ignore them unless it has something to do with your daughter. Channel your energy towards something more productive like your daughter. Really is your ex worth all the time and effort you are spending on him?

Sorry so long.. GOOD LUCK!

Please feel free to email me and I would love to hear any updates that you have in the future on how things are going.

YOu need to be documenting ALL of this......dates, etc. Record conversations if you have to. We've been going thru the same thing for over a year & a half. Bottom line.....instead of joint custody......dad is going for full custody.

Mom lets her eat jelly beans & donuts and soda for breakfast or gets none at all because mom tells her they don't have time, doesn't help her with her hair (says she doesn't have time) and it was LONG - waist length black hair, lets the boyfriend she lives with give her baths AND sleep with her, the child HATES buttons & zippers and snaps to this day....even decorative, because she's been attempting to dress herself since before she was three, has NEVER taken her to the dentist (dad can't because he's not the custodial parent) won't take her to get shots, etc. (dad does) LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES ALL THE TIME.....shipped off one son to live with the grandparents and has another with a no contact order by law. Yet, says her daughter is everything to her. She doesn't know what being a mother is! The daughter says she doesn't do ANYTHING with her. She doesn't play games, read, paint, etc. Evidently, going to the grocery store or shopping and watching TV is about it. She has cried since she was three when she has to go back to her moms. Even at 6 she STILL hates going back to her moms and tells us all the time she doesn't want. to go.

Last week at church, her dad had someone else pick up his jacket and our car keys were in the pocket. Luckily we looked around the the man wearing the similar jacket was standing close talking to someone. HIs daughter said, "If we hadn't found it, I wouldn't have had to go back to moms!"
She told us this past Christmas was better than last because she got to spend more time with us.
Mother isn't abusive just absolutely IGNORANT and neglectful.

ANYWAY.......DOCUMENT And go for full custody. NO CHILD needs to be in that kind of environment! When he gets visits, they need to be supervised!

I think this is totally crazy and just wrong. How is your daughter's health none of your business? I think you should give them all the information out there on second hand smoke! It is terrible. And what is with the showing up at school and stuff. That is weird, and none of HER business. I really don't know what advice to give you because I don't know your custody arrangement, but I will say I think you are right to be upset. You are your child's first advocate, so if you think she is in an unfit environment you should do something about it.

One more thing, some people said the "brother" thing was no big deal. However, if they are not HIS kids, then they are not family. I think this will be confusing for your daughter since they are not very solid in their relationship. It would be different if they were married. Just my opinion.

Have you tried to get complete custody of your daughter? Then the dad could only have her occasionally. Does the wierd beavior on the girlfriend's part make you feel unsafe or feel that your daughter is unsafe? Perhaps you need to talk with a counselor or an attorney about your concerns or fears. Just a thought.

K., I've been reading through everyone's responses, and pretty much agree with everyone. However, Angie W is WAY off base when she says that it's no big deal for your 6-yr old to call those two other kids "brother." It's a psychological nightmare for the poor thing to have to try to understand the connection and then how she needs to process the separations when Joe and Girlfriend break up. NOT healthy. Since this lunatic girlfriend only has boys, maybe she needs some education on the whole "breathing privates" thing from your pediatrician. Let DR. know why you are coming in for the appointment then make Joe go too so that he can hear it from the Dr's mouth...and the secondhand smoke stuff too. If the terms of your visitation state something about a "clean, safe, smoke-free..." environment, then I'd first tell your lawyer and then Children's Services. If the "dirty house" is a health hazard (bugs, roaches, mice etc. from garbage or something like pet feces) get the county health department on the phone ASAP. Good luck to you!

You HAVE the right to feel this way. And no you are not going overboard about your feelings. That is YOUR daughter no matter where she is. Just because your daughter is with her father and the girlfriend smokes...that is putting your daughter at danger with the smoke. I would feel the same way if I were you. And the whole thing with the "letting your privates breathe." That is something you don't say to a child. I feel for you..that is a awful situation but I'm sure you will come to a middle ground. Good luck

You are not crazy at all. You have every right to be mad! There is no reason that your daughter should be subjected to a filthy house or smoking in the house.There is also absolutely no reason for your ex's new girlfriend to be showing up at your daughter's school or for appointments. You are her mother and you have every right to say something. I would put a temporary stop to visitations until he straightens out. You will have to go to court, and explain why of course, but this type of behavior is puting your daughter's health at risk. Your anger is 100% justified. This type of living environment could cause your ex's girlfriend to lose her kids, but they are in an unhealthy environment too. If you feel that the living arrangements are not good then you definitely need to seek an attorney's help. The first consultation should be free. Most attorney's offer a free first consultation so you can at least see what can be done.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

I've never been through it, but I'm pretty sure that you have the right to not have her exposed to second-hand smoke of any sort. Talk with your lawyer or CPS and see what they say, but I think you can demand that they smoke outside or give up shared custody.

The smoking in the house is a big no-no in my book. I know that you don't want your daughter's health compromised in any way, but I don't really know that there much you can do about it, other than to express your concerns. Calling her daddy's gf's kids "brother" isn't that big of a deal. If anything, it will make the kids closer. The big underwear is just weird, but not harmful. The showing up at school is something totally different. That's not only weird, but a little crazy too. You need to make sure the school knows that the gf has NO right to see your daughter during school hours. She is only to have contact with you and your ex. Make sure they know that the gf is NOT allowed to pick up your little girl, under any circumstances. Not even in an emergency. You need to make sure that your ex understands this too. You need to have a one on one talk with him. Explain your concerns in a calm and non confrontational way. If the concerns don't get resolved, and you are still concerned, then contact your attorney. I doubt there is anything they can really do, but it's worth a shot. If your little one does not have a bed at her daddy's, that may be a reason to get the overnight visits changed. I don't know though.

There was an actual case in Ohio were a divorced couple were fighting over custody. One parent lived in Ohio the other in Florida. Both living environments were equally adequate for the child. The determining factor was that one parent smoked in the house so the other got custody. If the parent claims they quit the court can test their saliva. Sounds like you need a good attorney! Don't let others discouraging stories stop you!

As for some of the other things, I don't think they are that big of a deal. But second hand smoke kills, get her outta that environment!

Please contact an attorney. The smoke can effect your child's health! This was an issue with my daughter and there is a clause in our parenting agreement that we cannot smoke in the house or around her. Its a battle between my ex and I. I found that the lack of discussions on the subject lessened the smoke smell on her clothes. The "crazy" action and appearance can also effect your child. It also can show your child or send the message that this actions are ok. Again talk to an attorney. If she does not have children in the school, you could talk to the school administration. Our parenting plan permits her father only to participate or access to school. If the girlfriend is long term, you may need to accept the best options of the situations (in the best interest of your child) and due the best you can.

i just want to say, i know exactly how you feel. my ex-husband and his girlfriend are the same way. my kids always come home in clothes that are way too big, reaking of cigarette smoke. they call her kids 'brother and sister' which annoys the hell out of me and i will correct them in front of my ex. my ex also will not talk to me without her present, so needless to say we never talk. i don't feel that it is any of her business what we discuss about our children. the only advice i can really give you is to just grin and bear it. i'm not sure how long your situation has been going on, but mine has been about 2 years and it does get easier as more time goes by. also, is she authorized to visit the school or pick-up your daughter, because you can stop that from happening. hang in there. i hope it gets better for you.

No you are not crazy, you are talking about the well being of your daughter. You have parental custody? If so I would talk to an attorney about your rights and the well being of your daughter while at your ex's home.
I would ask for supervised visits.
But before you do all of that I would keep a diary of all the strange, stupid and crazy things your ex and his girlfriend do. I would also make sure the school knows that the girlfriend can not pick up or see your daughter while at school.
Just keep track of everything and then go talk to an attorney