Am I the Only One? - Keller,TX

I don't think it is so much about him being used to living alone. I think it is more about that you two are not married and those are not his kids. This is the exact reason why it is a bad idea to have "live in" boyfriends and girlfriends, especially when you have children. You aren't his wife and the kids are yours. He probably feels like you and your kids have taken over his house. Whereas if you were married, he would think of it as "our" house instead of "my" house, as he currently refers to it. The only way to resolve the problem is to move yourself and the kids out of the house until he is ready to marry you and then and only then would I ever live with him. I think you should focus more on taking care of your kids and what is right for them. Worry more about their feelings and how this move has affected them. It seems like right now all you are focusing on is your boyfriend and his feelings. Think about your children.

If those are his exact words (disrespect and the house going down hill), I will feel hurt. It's hard to keep a clean house, unless that's all you do. He might feel like his privacy is being invaded, and I would talk to him about that. Having a family and especially kids means to learn to have patience and understanding and think about others first. Good luck!

Hi,
I hate to sound cold and unfeeling but bottom line is; if after only seven months of living together things are this way; continually fighting because the kids are "living" in this house and using the house as a home, MOVE OUT.
You can still date him, but really, if he is this intolerant of teenagers this early - it'll only get worse.
Sorry! Good luck and remember they're yours and not his kids. Be fair to your kids....surely it's bugging them too.

Get out of that house as fast as you can. Your children are children and living a stressed out life sucks!

Well, u can't blame him... kiddos can tear up a house. If you haven't raised them to have gloves on (who does) then they will make their mark.
I think the issue is more like he has lost his "retreat" his space is gone. I'm sure he loves you but does he include the kidz in that? Why haven't you married him? 8 yrs? U come with kiddos like it or not and they define you for about 10 more years. Ur priority r ur kidz. They don't need a bf, they need a mom more. This stress is not necessary on the parent child relationship. It sounds like you are turning into a housekeeper and a nagging mom...ick! Wudn't u rather b the fun, loving, devoted mom? The memories u r creating for ur kiddos r that a clean house is more important the the family relationship..
Good Luck with the upcoming holidaze wen they will b home 24/7 :-/

Scanned the other emails and didn't see the easiest tip: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! I clean walls with it all the time, including rooms in rent houses that you would swear need repainted. Of course, go easy with it -- some paints aren't washable.

The many other issues are being addressed by others. But a touch-up here and there with a Magic Eraser is a quick fix. Off to my own walls!

Ouch! The answer is yes! unexplained dirt on walls, nicks, chips, marks, etc! Life is happening and Life is not perfect!

****I just reread the beginning of your post: maybe you need to tell the kids not to take a running start and leap onto the couch! Or is that what you were trying to say - that they weren't supposed to do that? *******

I've been married nearly 25 years and can tell you that nothing is perfect! The food processor bowl just showed up with a mar as if it got dropped and no one knows how it got that way! Whodunit? It's a mystery that can't be solved! oh well!

Are there things you can do to compromise?

Living room: slipcovers? Coffee table protector? Or put the nice coffee table in the attic and get a sturdy cheap one at a yard sale? paint the walls dark (at least the lower half) Install those plastic wall corner protectors? Do paint touch up right before holidays?

Bathroom: have a can of disinfectant counter wipes available for the kids to wipe down the counter. My daughter loves them. It makes cleanup so easy. If the walls are smooth: use a squeegee to wipe them down; if tile: bleach once a month or more often if necessary. Treating grout with a Tide pen can keep it fresh and white.

At the age your kids were - my parents allowed supervised wrestling on the living floor in the winter to burn up excess energy(my brother was taking wrestling at school). A friend of mine put a futon mattress on the floor of one of the kid's bedrooms and told them rough-housing (and "flopping on furniture) took place there and the couch/living room was for learning to be out in the public arena - no rough housing - learn to treat the furniture with respect.

My husband says that bachelors tend to suffer from dry rot! He was a bachelor for a good long time as we married late, so he should know! We still have an interesting time regarding our house: I'm more bohemian/hippy style than he is and it sometimes leads to conflict.

As far as general wear and tear - he might need to get more realistic and the kids might need to learn to do some of the repairs! like touch up painting and bleaching the grout, etc. It sounds like he's got a good relationship with them, but it seems like you are the go-between right now = not sure how healthy that is in the long run.

It seems like you guys need to decide whether you're a real family or not and whether he is going to have a complete relationship with them (which involves working through conflict and influencing each other) or just work through you. Family counseling? Reading books about family dynamics?

Very interesting post and lots of good responses. Thank you for your post and thanks to everyone who responded. Very thought provoking!

A.

******an edited in PS: Do you think it might help for him to read these posts? **************

Tough situation. I can understand where he is coming from. Going from living by youself to living with a family of four - wow! Maybe you should sit down with him and establish some house rules. Then sit down with the kids together. There will be some wear and tear; however, I don't think there should be damage. If an accident occurs, then ruled need to be re established. Good luck!

I went through the same sort of thing too when I moved in with my now husband a couple of years ago. He would flip out when my son left things out and I told him he needed to chill out because this is what kids are like, and if he couldnt handle this then we would move out. (He knew me moving out would also mean breaking up) Now of coarse we were respectful of his things, being careful not to break things, and I would pick up after my son. But it took a little time for him to get used to the running in and outside, playing, and also the added noise that kids bring. I would have a talk with him and let him know you love him and want to make this work, but you need him to calm down and relax a little. If the dirt on the walls bother him that bad either have the kids wash them off or see if he would be willing to paint a darker color, maybe you all could make a weekend out of it and him and your kids could bond over it instead of fight over it. Good luck, hope it all works out for you.

Sounds like he just isn't used to living with others. My husband and I were really neat people before we had kids, but we just can't clean as fast as our small kids can destroy. I'd hoped that by 11 and 12, my kids would be cleaner, but I'm guessing your kids are completely normal and your boyfriend is going through culture shock.

Maybe carve off some space that is adult-only, buy some magic erasers, and enlist the kids to help maintain order. But, really, living with kids is not like living alone. He needs to lighten up.

You have KIDS! 13 years ago when my husband and I won custody of his two children, I was the same way. I had lived without kids for almost 15 years and living WITH kids was a BIG adjustment. I was used to working 40 plus hours a week and coming home to a spotless house. HA! Not so with kids... you clean and they come right behind you and dirty things up. They don't BUY the furniture or pay the rent so they have no concept of the cost to replace or upkeep those things. Your two are old enough to start taking better care of things; cleaning ect. Sit them down and have a serious talk with them about how expensive things are to replace. Then tell them they need to start taking better care of things.

After that talk you need to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss with him about what it is like to live with children (this should have been discussed in length BEFORE moving in together).

BIG mistake selling all your stuff! Unless he is putting a ring on your finger, NEVER NEVER get rid of your stuff for a possible temporary situation. What are you going to do for furniture if things go south?

D.
SAHM of three:20,19,6. I run my own small business as a Custom Edibles Creator. Married to the same wonderful man for almost 13 years.

No....I have that problem too....but we clean up the walls & do the best we can. Does he otherwise love ur kids? Maybe he's knitpicking cuz he doesn't want them there. Have u considered that it may have been a mistake to move in together? After eight years of having u in his life & not having to live w kids in his home.....maybe he's had second thoughts? Some men will love ur kids as long as they don't have to deal with them.......

He just needs to understand that he has to share his "man cave" with more people. It is a hard thing to do, and I promise this won't be your last fight, argument or comment that you hear. The thing is that you need to talk to him about is how he is affecting the children. By always making remarks about how the house is getting messed up or things are changing, he is making the kids feel like it is their fault and they will develope a complex or resentment because of it. Thier age is a sensative age, and you are approaching teen years. If they don't see him as a figure they can trust, count on for love and devotion, then they will act out on it, and he won't be the only peoblem you have on your hands. I have seen it countless times, and most always people split becaus eone can't bend to change. If he is mature enough, he will understand that things are just that, things. Now if they are running wild, then talk to the kids about respecting other people's things. As for dirty walls, kids do that. It is a force of nature that drags in with them. I can speak from expirience. I had a 3 bedroom home with me and my daughter only before meeting my husband. I felt like he did. I noticed everything. I even freaked because my baseboards were getting dirty. I had to chill, sit back and realize that this is part of being a family, and I would enjoy being part of it if I didn't complain or worry much about the little things. Sure, I have knicks everywhere, scuffs and stains, it does bother me, but we get through it and go on. Good luck girl

Dear KD:

I only have one kid and I have everything you have described. It's worse when all my daughter's friends are over. Kids and pets are just hard on houses and furniture, period.

Your boyfriend went from being alone and quiet to chaos. It is a big adjustment to make, but he needs to relax. It's just stuff. The only houses I've been to that look like magazine photos don't have children.

Perhaps your family needs to spend some time socializing in other families' houses so your boyfriend can see how other houses with kids are like?

Good luck.

L. F., married to my best friend for 23 years next month!, mom to a 14-year-old daughter

Wow, questions like these always surprise me. I mean, when you moved in with your boyfriend of 8 years, was this because you two wanted to spend your lives together, or because he or you needed a roommate? If it was the former, then if it were me, I would have approached the new living arrangements more like, this is now ours, not like this is his and we're just using it. Things get dirty, especially with kids. Things get broken, even the most careful children accidentally cause nicks and break things. Even the most careful adults do the same thing. The fact that he says you are "disrespecting" him really sends a bad vibe.

When my husband and I moved in together, I brought some stuff and he brought some stuff. My step-son was 5 at the time and I never thought "Oh my gosh, his son just jumped on MY bed, or he just broke MY dish, he's disrespecting me." Once we lived together, my stuff was his and his was mine. Everything was ours. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but when you join households like this, you've got to stop looking at things like mine and yours, otherwise, someone will always feel uncomfortable with the situation. Now, if he let you move in because you needed a place to stay and it was a temporary arrangement or something like that, that's one thing, but that's not what I read in your note.

I think you need to teach your kids to respect belongings, not because they are your boyfriend's, but because taking care of our "things" helps them to last longer. They should not jump on the furniture and they should do their part in keeping the house picked up and have weekly cleaning chores, particularly at their age. But your boyfriend needs to lighten up and realize things are just that, things, and people are always more important than things. Precious things should be put up where they cannot be broken, but other than the usual care one should take with regular household items, your children should not be made to "respect" your boyfriend's belongings (not his personal stuff but stuff used by everyone in the household) any more than they would your own. It's their home too and to imply otherwise will just make them feel like they are visitors in their own house. Just my 2 cents.

Blessings,
N.

I have read what others have posted. Kids are or can be rough on things in a house. You have to bring them up learning how to respect and take care of things in a house. Jumping on furniture is a big no no in anyone's book. Babies that are 18 months old are taught no jumping on furniture.

As for him complaining about small things - it will not get any better. Eight years is a long time to be with someone without being married to them and to put your life on hold. Moving in may not have been the answer or it could have been the answer that he is not ready to give up his privacy to be a family. Find a way to get you some new or used furniture and move into your own place. The kids maybe doing this on purpose to get you to move out and to live as a family unit of 3 and not 4. Your first priority is your children and yourself then your boyfriend. Sorry, that's the way life goes. Once they are gone, you can have a life of your own. Good luck to you. The other S.

It's called life. He's expanded his household by 3 people, everything will get 3 times dirtier 3 times faster. Fighting with your kids about it will only cause more problems.

My husband and I lived together for a year before we married and I had my 3 year old with us. Before we started dating he was not a big fan of kids...in fact he thought kids should not be allowed out at restaurants on the weekends when the "regular" people would be there! Of course if he was with me...then he was also with my kiddo, so we had to compromise on a lot of things and he had to get over a lot of things. It did take a year for us to grow on him and learn to live with us, and when we did get married he really felt like a dad too. Hubby is still obsessive with the walls ("don't touch them!") and the cars, but otherwise he knows with 4 kids and all their friends it will be a long time that our house is kid-friendly. And, he will still try to convince us to go out to eat during the week instead of the weekends! Ask your boyfriend what is really the most important things and work on those, remind him that there are children in the house and that this is their house too so compromise is needed.

There are two sides to this. First, it sounds as if he barely used his house, so of course it would stay "perfect". And what he did purchase for the house sounds as if it didn't really get used, so it stayed in "new" condition.

The flip side of this is house are meant to be lived in and things (e.g. couches, furniture, etc) are meant to be used. What does this mean....dirt, accidents, and noral wear and tear. However, how quickly all this happens has a lot to do with our upbringing and our individual opinion of dirty/used (which is very subjective).

I grew up in a house that was VERY VERY clean. We were taught to take care of our possessions, treat them well and they will last. My husband was not taught this. In his mind, everything can be replaced. It's taken 12 years and 2 kids for us to both compromise and meet in the middle.

I will tell you that on a monthly basis, I pull out the wall paint and do touch ups. It sucks, I hate that the walls in the main living areas get dirty and nicked up so easy, but they do. Nothing that 10 minutes of paint touch up can't fix.

We have ground rules in our house - NO shoes, pick up after yourself, clean up spills and messes right the first time. I even make my 4 year old clean up her spills now and I talk to her about how we treat our stuff (for example, we don't bang toys against the wall). Take preventative measures...we got plexiglax cut and it sits on top of our coffee table - this way the wood doesn't get ruined; we have a table pad on our kitchen table. We don't have white carpet and don't wear shoes inside.

For future purchases, be reasonable. A white couch is not going to be white for very long. Also, don't buy things so outrangeously expensive that it does hurt if in several years it's time to replace.

Children will inevitably cause more "wear and tear" on a home and its furnishings than adults, by the very nature of being children. I don't think you're being careless. It seems that your boyfriend was not prepared for this. These are matters that should have been discussed before you moved in together. Your children need to learn to take care of their things and those of others but you cannot expect them to be perfect - they are children. At the same time, your b/f needs to learn to be more tolerant and understand that he will not have a perfectly kept home any more. I think you should sit together and discuss this as a family - which is what you are now - so that every member in this family is aware of his/her responsibilities and what is expected of them.

Good luck!

I'm a long-time married woman and it looks from an outside viewpoint that your problem is not dirty walls or a nicked coffee table. This man just sounds like he wants out! I know that is harsh, but it sounds like he resents you and the kids being there. Eight year????? what are you thinking without a wedding ring on your finger. He apparently has no respect for you or your feelings in trying to make it a good home. Don't let the front door hit you on the way out.

I have been married 48 years, two grown children, loving, supportive husband.

Hi Kischa,
It is hard for a house to be perfect when one has kids. However, you can teach your kids to NOT touch the walls. They will get dirty if they are leaning or touching the walls alot.

Furniture will get nicked on occasion with normal wear and tear. They just have to be careful. Things last longer if you care enough to take care of them.

Good luck,
C.

I'm sorry you and your kids are in this situation. I hope you can figure out a nice compromise, train your kids to keep a clean home, or find a housekeeper. Remember our concept of clean suffers when we have kids. I'm having a similar problem, with 1 and 4 year olds. Not fun!

Sounds like you all could benefit from some family counseling. He may not have realized what children living in "his" house would be like; you may not have realized what you would be giving up when you moved in to "his" house and got rid of some of your stuff. Marriage doesn't automatically cure all problems but the commitment to work things out should help.

Kischa,

With kids, there are ALWAYS unexplainable "nicks" in everything! I really think it's an adjustment thing. If he's been a bachelor all his life and suddenly 3 people move into his territory, things are likely to be a little unsettling to him. He's always been in control and now he's got three people that are making his little world unpredictable. It sounds as if you are conscious of his concerns and would like to help him ease into his new living situation, so be sure you get the kids in on the house cleaning and daily chores. This will show him that not only you want to take care of his castle, but the kids need to show respect as well. He probably had everything "just-so" before you moved in and even when you move a plant things can get nuts. Counseling may be the best thing for you guys to get past this hurdle. I don't think this is a new phenomenon, especially when the man has been on his own for so long. Take care.

This is an adjustment period for everyone, especially your children. While I teach my children to keep our home as clean as possible and to respect other people's things, kids have accidents(adults, too, sometimes!). Your boyfriend knew what he was getting into when he invited you and your children to move in and should not come down hard on the kids or you because his home is not perfect. People are more important than things. Why don't you all sit down once a week and discuss(not accuse) what is bothering you. Each person gets a turn. You can discuss your problems as a family which is how it should be. Good luck!