Does Anyone Live "Off the Grid"

Hi A. - When I was 40, I had never been married or pregnant (NO ONE gets pregnant by accident...!) So when I got pregnant after only 4 months with my boyfriend I was thrilled to be having a child. However, it was the biggest mistake of my life to marry the man just because I was pregnant. I did not know him AT ALL...

Ten years later, it is still a struggle I wish I had never bought in to. The only up side is that my daughter's parents are married and working together to raise her. And she's turning out ok!

And so it appears with you - you have had a child with a man you didn't know and now you are getting to know him and trying to make it work. Coming from a place of desperation is never a powerful starting point, nor does it make for good decisions.

It seems like you have many more problems here than electricity and running water. I'm not sure you asked for all this, but I have to wonder if this is all a romantic notion or if this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Suck it up?? No flooring, walls, electricity, heat or water?? And this is how he wants not only YOU to live, but your child as well? You have got to be kidding!!

He obviously has absolutely NO CLUE what it takes to raise a child - like, washing clothes or cooking dinner. Or how about keeping food cold? Worse yet, he doesn't seem to care.

My best advice is that you look long and hard at who this man is. At this point, it may all may seem a very lovely and romantic notion - but is this the attitude you want to spend your life with? The rest of your life is a very, very long time. And the man you spend it with is going to teach your child how a "husband" treats his "wife." How a man treats a woman. She is going to go out into the world and find a man just like him.

I say tread very, very carefully... Look closely and deeply at how you want the rest of your life to be. Remember - we teach our children who to be in the world by who we are.

Either conform to who he wants you to be, suck it up and go live like a cave man. Marry the guy and stick it out. (I think you'd be nuts to!), or dump the narcissitic jerk and move on. Right now, his is all about him - but should it be??

Perhaps a better approach is to split up for a while. See how life goes (I mean, is this about you, him, or your child? Figure out why you really stay with him.) Be a single mother - this is what you signed up for and there's no turning back now... Give him a few months to get the house finished - and when it's ALL done, have a cup of coffee with him. And I mean that - DO NOT have contact, i.e. dates, etc. - child exchange is ok, as long as he's a good Dad - but stay out of relationship for 6 months.

Then see how you feel and where you stand. And in the meantime - if you hear nothing else - get to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY... You have a lot of very complicated legal issues to get signed agreement on, especially since you are not married. OMG - just thinking of possiblie sceanrios gives me nightmares!

This is NOT about you and it is NOT about him. It is about HER. And you know that. Time for mother bear to come out.

Most importantly - be the change you want to see in the world... Show your child the very best of yourself so both you and she can be proud when she grows up and emulates you.

Hi A.,

Congratulations on your new daughter. No I do not live "off the grid", but I am 47 years old and have a lot of life experience. It is a romantic notion that love alone will see you through. Though I applaud your boyfriends efforts to build his own home, and I think you should continue to support him in this effort, I also am a realist. The truth is you both have not even been together that long. The new baby so early in the relationship is stress enough. The stress of living through the building of this home (and you say he is a bit of a procastinator) could be enough to ruin your relationship. I would continue to venture slowly, but be sure to emphasize to your boyfriend that you do support his dreams; not just philisophically but with actual assistance. Perhaps you could plan to spend some weekends "off the grid" helping him to build. You might even learn some new skills. This way you could continue to support him as you get to know each other. It sounds like you have a warm, safe, place to live now. A fact not lost on your boyfriend because as you say he spends about five nights a week with you. Often the fantasy of what something is is far different than the reality. Right now your priority is to build a strong family by caring for your baby and trying to get to know your boyfriend better in hopes of keeping your family intact. Best Wishes!

J. L.

A., I just had another tank of oil delivered this morning (ARG!!!), this has been the second snowiest winter on record. Asking a mother to move her infant daughter into substandard housing IS an UNREASONABLE REQUEST! I do know that living in a wooden box in the woods without heat, electricity, running water or access to 911 is considered homeless and you would qualify for shelter relief in the State of NH. Should any of your friends or family be really opposed to this idea, they also have the ability to file an anonymous report with the Department of Child Protective Services, who will then be obligated to conduct a home visit. I promise you that is not a road you want to find yourself on. The town the house is in is also going to have to issue a certicficate of occupancy before you can move in. You wouldn't be "living off the grid", you would be camping illegally.
PLEASE reconsider this folly. You don't need to "prove" your love to a boyfriend by compromising yourself and your child's well being. Do what you clearly already know is right.

Hi A., When we moved to NH from MA. We moved into a family cottage that had on heat other than a wood stove (We were planning on winterizing in the spring). I was very pregnant with my now 24 year old daughter. We did have very limited plumbing, and also a well out back that we had to pump to get our water. We had to pour water down the toilet to flush it and had to wait every 4th or 5th use GROSE, and heat water on the wood stove to bathe. Once winter came around it only got worse, if we didn't keep the wood stove going 24/7 the pipes would freeze and burst. Not to mention that we all still commuted to Boston to work, so they froze often. Oh yeah, we had to cut and lug wood all day long, and we were still freezing. While now I can look back and laugh and say it was a real growing experience going from the city to the praire lol was hell. So I don't recommend living in a house with limited or no modern conviences with a small child.

C. K

Hi A.,
Congrats on your beautiful little girl!I'm going to go a little Proctective Mama on you ,*grin*, and speak to you as if you were one of my daughters, so I apologize ahead of time if I seem opinionated here!
Now I'm a grandma, but when my girls were born,we lived
in a VERY old farmhouse which barely had running water, hot water on some occasions, wood heat, and I did all the baby's laundry by hand or in an antique wringer-washer.
I was 22 when I had my first baby, 25 when her sister joined us. Back then, I thought it was kind of an adventure, but it was REALLY HARD WORK, too!
At least 1) the house was finished, and 2)we had heat and a way to cook,3) and some running water.
If you lived in the house shell, you would have NONE of these.That would be insane. Trust your Inner Mama Bear Instinct, which wants your baby to be warm, dry, and well-taken-care-of. Yes, I understand the green concept well, believe me, but it needs to be rooted in practicality and have all the means to accomplish this lofty goal IN PLACE before you move in.Your baby's daddy seems to be in dreamland right now.You are the Mom, and for you and your baby to be healthy, YOU have to be all ALL ABOUT nuts-and-bolts practicality.I bet if he had to lug five pails of ice cold water, heat them on a woodstove (or somehow), wash a soaking-pail full of dirty cloth diapers, rinse them, wring them out with chapped hands and hang them on a line to dry, he'd rethink his scheme.
Plus, if you live in the part of our country I do,we are in the middle of WINTER!! THis is one of the coldest, snowiest winters on record!! Even to ask YOU to live in a house with no heat is way unreal. It would be the equivalent of asking you to live outside in a tent with the baby.In the cold. And the snow. Without running water.
Even if you lived in Florida or Hawai`i, this is still presumptuous and completely unrealistic on his part.
I know you must see wonderful qualities in him which made you fall in love with him in the first place, but the best interests of your helpless baby have to come first.
HE needs to "suck it up", finish that house, with or without help, and THEN have you and the baby move in. Peter Pan needs to grow up here. You and the baby can't keep warm, dry and fed on Fairy Dust!
Stay put till that happens, A.! Put your foot down. (with help from your Inner Mama Bear, if necessary!)You can make it clear to him that you love and are not rejecting him, just the impracticality of his idea.You can even make a short list of things which need to be in place to move in. (Like running water, heat source, insulated walls, finished floors,etc.)I can tell you from mine and friend's experiences, if you move in before the house is finished, it may NEVER be finished, despite all his good intentions and big dreams. For HEaven's sake,he's expecting you to make his dream, without providing you with any means to make it happen!!!
OK, enough with the spiel! Please take wonderful care of yourself and the baby, and enjoy her to the max~ GOOD LUCK!
Write back and tell us how this goes~we care!
Hugs to you all~
*Aunty N.*

I read your note and, I'm sorry, but I see a large bunch of red flags waiving. This is what I see, based on your writing:

You and he rush into a relationship, and end with a child; however, I don't see real commitment on his part. He's staying in YOUR apartment until his house is built. He is willing to risk the health of you and your child by wanting you to move into a floorless, "off grid" room in the middle of nowhere. He's notoriously slow at getting things done? And saying you should "suck it up"? Once again, I'm sorry, but he seems like a emotionally dangerous person. I really think you need to rethink this situation. I'm praying for you.

A., My parents built our house while my Mom was pregnant with me. We lived with plywood floor, open stair, and sheet rock walls til I was about 10. Our game was to see who could run down the hall without getting splinters!! We did however have heat, hot water and electricity. With a new baby, I wouldn't think that is too much to ask for. I knew many people growing up who lived in their basements while they finished the rest of the house. It's actually very dangerous and I don't think it's even legal any more. You may want to check with your state about occupancy laws!

I don't currently live "off the grid" but had considered it with my son who is currently 8 mo., and in a much warmer clime. I am now a single mother, so I decided to move back to New England and live with my family for now.
I would say first, do NOT let your boyfriend pressure you into living in a situation that you feel is unsafe in order to save a few hundred dollars. As I'm sure you know, babies cannot regulate their body temp, so for their health must be kept warm at all times. If they become ill, this is critical because a chill in an already ill baby can quickly escalate into pneumonia and in a baby that cannot sit up means you have to hold that baby upright all day and all night long for weeks, not to mention the risks to baby's life and health.
Also, if you choose to do this, make sure you have a reliable way of communicating emergency services, reliable transportation, and a reliable source of heat.

Depending on where the house is being built you usually can't move into the house until you have your C.O. (certificate of occupancy-check with the town). To get that you normally need to have the basics like-working water/septic/heat/kitchen sink/one full bathroom complete etc. Here in my state I think there are only 2 or 3 homes off the grid because solar panels and battery storage is pricy. My husband and I have discussed this same issue but it's just not sunny enough in our area year round to rely on solar energy alone. We have solar hot water which helps with domestic hot water and our heat. I think your best bet would be to talk with the town building department first.

First, get married, have that commitment and then move onto the next step, which is to help him get the house ready to move into.

I laughed reading some of these "requirements" below. Spoiled Americans once again demanding such and so is done and saying that the "health and safety" of the child is at stake! How funny using the child for a selfish desire of oneself is quite transparent!!

We built a house in the mid-80's and lived in the cellar with only a woodstove for heat. The children were 2 and 1 at that time. After the first year, we moved up into the shell of the house and lived amongst the construction, tools and sawdust. The children learned what the rules were and they also did their part in building the house. Several years went by before it was finished and in the condition that some of the posters below would HAVE to have it to move in!!

THEN, we went to Appalachia and lived in a tent for awhile before we found where we were going to set up our clothing mission. The kids were 10 and 11 at this point. They loved it. Yes, it is a harder lifestyle, but not unbearable. Some of the folks in that part of Appalachia live in house shells with no running water or electricity. Their children grow up and are fine. It is all choices on what one deems "livable" or not. I was thrilled to have running water, but I did have to heat it up when I wanted hot. It took more time, but I was not having to go to the creek to wash my clothes like others there had to.....AND this was America and these people are happy with their lives.

So, my advice would be, get married for commitment sake, work hard beside him to get work done on the house and enjoy life!

No offence, but the priority right now is not you or him; it's your daughter. If there is no running water, no heat, and no power, how could you appropriately raise a daughter in that house? If child services finds out that you are indeed living there with your daugther, you could have her taken away from you for child endangerment. Tell your boyfriend that it's not about you sucking it up, it's about prioritizing what is safest and best for your daughter.

Hi A.,
I lived off the grid for less than a year. Not having electricity or an indoor toilet is not a big problem for an adult. The big danger is having a crawling child in a construction zone: boards leaning that can fall on the child, holes to topple in, nails, tools, and your child will be crawling before the house is done. You will be a nervous wreck.
M.

Hi A.,
Simply put-- states and towns usually require a certificate of occupency BEFORE you move in to any structure (at least they do in CT) this is done after an inspection to make sure it is safe for people to live there. I'd say no CO- no move in.
This is not about you or how much you should compromise, it is about raising your child in a safe environment. Have a schedule of projects and a deadline for each. Help to make those goals happens. If he does not work with you on this, then don't move in. If you think making it through this winter in a cozy little working apartment was long and lonely and tough then just think about next winter how lonely and COLD you'll be with out a working home.
Best of luck you deserve it.

A.-

This is coming from someone who could not live with out the comforts of running water, electricity, heat, etc. ESPECIALLY with a baby. Although my mom raised me in Virginia with out most of these, she used cloth diapers and washed them by hand, etc. With a new baby things need to be clean, warm and accessible. Having a new baby is hard enough with out throwing in all those issues, no running water, heat, etc. I don't know how helpful your boyfriend is with the baby but from what I have seen with most men, they really don't know everything that goes in to caring for a baby. I would have a sit down talk with him and lay out everything that you need for the baby, and try to make him understand that it isn't YOU that has to suck it up, in the end it is your baby that will suffer...

I do believe he has to get a permit to live there before you can move in either way. It has to be up and running as far as electricity, heat, water etc. I think they will give a permit once the walls are up, and flooring would have to be at the very least plywood. Good luck!

I don't think the problem is living off the grid. It's whether or not you feel physically and asthetically comfortable. Please love yourself enough to try to get what you want. Living off the grid does not mean being cold and uncomfortable.
If he is slow about making the changes that even he wants, please priotize your needs. One idea is to have a minimum of x,y, and z done before you can move in. Another idea is a timetable of projects. Can you afford to have someone else help with the projects?
Keep your ideals! Also keep your desire to feel safe and loved.

NO, and the reason for that is simple...just 4 walls.!
Stay put, rely on your gut instinct.
If he is really serious about becoming a family unit, he will get the job done!
I am married to a "get things done slowly guy", but he would never put us in a house without heat,water etc.
DON'T DO IT, STAY PUT!!!!
L.

Hi A.!

I don't live off grid but I have seen families in our neck of the woods (NH) live in the basement while the house is being built. They have had electricity,heat and water but just for the lower floor. Then as money came they built the rest. If this is not possible then perhaps you are right to stay where you are for the winter at least. Perhaps in the summer you can finish the house together to really make it your family home.

Best wishes on this!

What you are describing is not "off the grid" which means self sufficient without having to buy water or power or heat. You don't have any. That is not self sufficient, that is a tree house. That is how social services would see it.

Safety first, you need to put your daughter first. What will happen to his motivation too if you move in? You need to have the house more ready than that. If it was May it would be one thing, but you need heat. And not a hot wood stove for her to burn herself on either. I don't think it is legal to live without running water. Does he have an occupancy permit yet? They issue those for a reason. He wants you all to be together, that is good, but first things first. It will come together if it is meant to, but he needs to stay focused on getting it done. For now, know that your concern is very, very wise.

Did he ever have a hammer party? Have everyone you know come for a weekend once it is warm, and bang that house out. I saw one go from studs to finished in one weekend other than the rugs by having a hammer party.

If it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, you kept your baby safe.

Look deep inside you & becareful. I know that you love him . Love last forever. But if that baby get ill how will you ever forgive each other. The baby is the priority here. Let the home be built. You have all the time in the world.

A.,
So many ladies have given you wonderful ideas. I have to agree that the best is to set some definitive goals for your boyfriend. Express to him that the safety of your daughter is your primary concern and that it is not appropriate to raise your daughter under certain hazardous conditions. You could also express that while it is ok for adults to live in those conditions it is not ok for young children to live in them, and that as your daughter's parents you are primarily responsible for her well being.

You will need to be able to feed, clothe, and bathe your little girl while keeping her warm and safe. As a minimum the house should have heat, and your plumbing and electrical should be finished. By finished I mean "roughed in". You don't need to have all the outlets set up, but the wires need to be in their permanent placement for outlets and lighting fixtures to be added. When the roughing in of the electricity is finished they put protective caps on the ends of the wires until the final stage of triming out occurs. Wiring a house with a baby inside is very unsafe. (My Dad and brother are both electricians). For your plumbing, even if you decide to use an outhouse until the plumbing is finished you still have to look into the area bilaws on outhouses since human waste must be disposed of in safe ways.

In some states it is actually illegal to move into a property where "necessities" are not first installed. You should look into your states laws concerning this. My family "flips" a lot of houses and in some places we had to rent a camper and stay on the property but not IN the house since certain criteria were not met. When applying for a building permit there are also building codes that must be met. Your permit could be revoked if certain requirements are not met. This can be a very costly mistake. Look into the bilaws of your permit. Many permits state that new construction must be inspected at various stages to maintain the building permit. If your permit is not properly maintained you cannot continue to work on the property (and often you will be removed from the home if they deam it is unsafe).

The area bilaws and your permit requirements will help you make realistic and unbiased goals.

After looking into local construction laws and the terms of your permit, make a list of all the requirements that need to be met before you move in. Set a realistic time frame for your boyfriend to complete the tasks.

Once your boyfriend has met these specific goals that you and he agree on, keep your word and move in. It would also be a great idea to have a play yard or pack and play so your baby can continue to develop her mobility without her safety being compromised. (These are even great to use after the house if fully finished).

Sit down together and draw up some plans. Set realistic goals (keeping in mind your boyfriends slowness to complete tasks). Also keep in mind that when you are living simply on 200 acres it is a very calming lifestyle when your needs are met, but when your needs are not met it can be very aggrevating. For the long term health of your relationship your goals need to be made in a way that you don't resent your boyfriend and your boyfriend does not resent you for the decisions that you make together. Try to enjoy the positive sides of this experience too. Some of the most romantic times with my husband have been in our most awkward situations. It is also important to give your boyfriend lots of praise during this situation. (Even when you set your goals with him tell him things like "I appreciate your building our home and look forward to living with you there with our daughter"). Men need praise and encouragement. My husband could be considered the king of procrastination (took him 14+ years to finish his bachelors ... and every year since our wedding he keeps promising to size my wedding and engagement rings LOL). When I give him lots of praise and "build his ego" he is able to recognize that I'm on his "team" and giving him the support he needs helps drive him to do the tasks I need him to do.

I wish you all the best!

A.

Hi, I was a single pregnant woman that moved 2 hours away to be w/ my baby's Dad (whom I hadn't dated for long). I married him right away. We Lived in his apartment did not have television or friends or family. We lived in a rural area next to Vermont. It was very hard on me. We did seek out counseling which can be very helpful, but the counselor seemed to favor some of my husband's thoughts. We ended up moving from that area and we eventually bought a house. Because of the order that we did things in our relationship was rocky at times. We are much happier now and do have 2 wonderful girls but it has taken it's toll on me.One thing that I always insisted on was the safety of my babies. I personally would want a floor, electricity and running water. If you can live that way, Bless allof you! Itruly hope that things work out for you. GF

My husband and I are separated after 3 years because I can't suck it up an longer, and I didn't want to teach my daughter to suck it up either some day. It is amazing how strong you can be on your own with a little one to mentor and teach and model a life for. So many older women asked me "think about doing this for the rest of your life, and then think of your daughter doing it to, is that what you see?" Think long and hard about it. I think you should stay in your apartment, and take things REALLY slow with this guy. Stay in your (probably really cute and filled with love apartment)until the house meets your approval (for the safety and security of you and your daughter.) Then, really examine how much waiting you can tolerate until you have to move forward. Don't rush anything - there is a lot at stake. The hardest thing for me was to come to grips with the fact that not even the strength of my love will change him. People CANNOT change people. All we can do is pray for each other, and my prayers are with you.
PS I waited 3 years and the house is still not finished.

Hi A.,
I'm certainly not off the grid but I would think safety for your child would be first and foremost in both your heads and hearts as parents! A 5 month old will possibly be crawling in no time and unless you're prepared to watch her every second, I wouldn't take a chance on my kid's life living in "4 walls" with no livingroom floor. Sounds like 5 days a week of togetherness would be much more sensible.....it might spur him on to finish the house as well!

A. you're getting some good advice here and some I think is a bit unreasonable. We live in a very simple way, on a small farm and I tell you even with modern water and heat its still alot of work. Sure our ancestors raised kids in this environment but thye were raised and taught to live like this as they were growing up AND they had communities to rely on. Also consider many children DID NOT make it past 2. In fact thats why many people did not get "attached" to their kids until they were around 2. Even my grandma who lived in similar circumstances birthed more babies than she raised. Not to scare you but many first time parents do not realize how delicate newborns/babies really are. Stay in the apartment until he can get things squared away it is his responsibility as a parent to provide adequately for your (plural) baby. Its not a question of whether or not YOU can suck it up enough. It is about keeping your baby and you safe and in good health that is your job right now not trying to prove yourselves without any prior experience in living off the land. And I actually belong to a chat site called homesteaders, if in doubt on how hard it can be, watch that pbs special "the frontier" note how all the "little' kids (8 and up) lost SOOO much weight. It is a very BAD idea. Good luck mama, and hang in there (in the apt that is)

It's one thing to live "off the grid" just the two of you, but when you have a child to think about...no way! Her safety should always come first. Tell him that when it's done you will move in, maybe that will get him moving...if not then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

In my opinion, i think you're right. I wouldn't move in until that house had suitable living conditions. He really should understand that. It's still very cold out and to be honest with you, you could get in a lot of trouble if you bring your child into those living conditions. Wait it out...wait until the house is finished. It's really unsafe to have you and your baby living like that. If he's not willing to wait until that house is finished, he's really not worth being with. He should really be considering your child you have together and it seems like he's really not.

Hi A.-
I am currently living in a somewhat "normal" house- electricity, septic etc. We heat with wood and don't have insulation, so things are chilly but we are good. I have lived in tents and homes like your future home is now and have been very content with that, but have not done so in cold climates. My dad built my family's first home and then another when I was 3 and there was no water etc. but he is a work horse and my mom is not particularly rugged- he got things done fast. If you know yourself not to be okay with the situation than maybe you need to honor that. It is cold out right now! In 2 mos it will be better and living practically outside will be more fun-the cold takes the fun out of being outside. Also, you are right tools laying around can be dangerous- eventhough your baby is too young to get into too much trouble now. I encourage you to think about toxic building materials- plywood is made of glue and it off-gasses toxicly for years unless it is sealed. Paints also off gas, but there are many alternative low tox or no tox (check out milk paints-they are not toxic at all)solutions.... this may be anoter reason to wait until spring/summer so the air qualtiy can be open and freely exchanged...there are many dangers with toxic off gassing- unfortunately most people know very little about this...sadly this information/evidence will undeniable soon...
On the other hand, growing up in a house your parents built is beautiful. I adore my father and am deeply connected to my roots b/c of all my experiences living in his creations and living in minimal housing as an adult. I have traveled alot all over the world and seen that kids do well on the road (w/o a steady home)if the parents are stable. The question is whether or not the parents can hack it. If it is good for the parents the kids will be fine if not, then not...just some thoughts.
heidi

Hi. It doesnt sound to me the issue is living off the grid but the state of the house. And, speaking from experience, once you move in- it is likely to be years before the floor gets there. Sure you could live in a unfinished house, but would you feel comfortable? I hope you can find a compromise, express what is most important to you.

We've really roughed it for a while in the past, but I can't imagine raising a little one in a house like you describe. Just a sub-floor I could easily deal with, since a rug could be thrown down for play space. But you HAVE to have some sort of heating system and running water in place before moving in. At least if there was a wood stove in place, you would be able to cook without electricity. In warmer weather, you can do a lot with an outdoor grill. How are you going to do laundry, clean dishes, bathe without plumbing? An outhouse is one thing (been there, done that). Has a well been dug or drilled yet so you at least have a water source without the plumbing?

Living simply on that amount of land sounds wonderful to me too. If the boyfriend is slow to get things done as you say, I think you'll find that living THAT simply will get old pretty fast. Make sure you have both agreed on a schedule for getting certain things done before making that leap. Generators are fine for the short term, but gas is not going to get any cheaper and running off them is going to cost more in the long run.

Hi A.,

I think that you are very wise to question whether you should do this. I have been married for 20 years to my husband . He said to me when we were first married and were going through a truly very tough emotional situation brought on by others, " What are you going to do when things get really tough?" This has been the rough equivalent of 20 years now of "suck it up". We have 6 children , homeschool, and I am in school for nursing now because I reached my saturation point for sucking it up quite a while ago. I ought to have gently and firmly laid the boundaries when we were first together but I wanted to show that I was a team player. I was thinking that you start out like that and execute your "plan" to move on. Well, as it turns out, I was actually letting him know how low I would settle. My advice to you would be to have a reasonable living situation before you move in.

I hope this helps you. I will pray for your little family and for wisdom for you. Show him all the love and respect you can and be strong for yourself and your child.

Warmly,

M.

first of all congrats on your baby girl :)
I think a comprimise is in order here. I don't think "living off the grid" is all that tough...in the summer months. When we moved into our house we didn't have some appliances (like a fridge) for some time and thena stove.We grilled for a few months. I think I would wait until the weather was more amenable to such conditions, and it may help to motivate him into working faster!

I think you should stay put and keep your daughter safe. Because you don't have much of a history, in all reality, you don't know him. Tell him to move his butt and provide for his family.

My first question to you is this: Are you planning on marrying this man? My second question is do you need a certificate of occupancy to live in the "house" that is currently no more than a wooden box? If I were you, I would take a good long look at the answer to question one,first. If you and your "boyfriend" have no intention of marrying, why bother to move in together? Also, if he can't se the need for a few basic necessitites like a FLOOR, I am not sure he has a handle on reality. You have received a lot of "the pioneers did it" type answers, but the reality if s that even the pioneers at least had a covered wagon until the house was ready to move into. You listed yourself as wanting you family to be together. What you currently have is 2 selfish adults fighting about what they want and tugging on the child in the middle, not a family.

I don't live off the grid, but I know what it's like to do some renovations with children in the home. It's extremely stressful and you have to watch them every second to make sure they're not touching something they shouldn't. As parents, our child's safety is first on our list of priorities. Keep in mind that in a few months your daughter will start crawling then several months later - walking. They get into everything. If the house is still under construction at that time there could be a lot of dangerous hazards for her. Will she be crawling on an unfinished subfloor that could give her cuts or splinters on her hands and knees. Will there be nails laying around. What about tools with cords laying around - crawling babies love to pull cords that are at their level. Not to mention the dirt. It's almost impossible to keep a home under construction clean. There's dust everywhere and the workers are in and out of the house with dirty boots and mud, etc. - and she'll be crawling in that. Heat and electricity are essentials, especially with babies. It's understandable that you all want to be together, you're obviously both loving parents. Just a few thoughts to think about. I hope that helps. Best wishes.

Jen

Hi A., I don't live off the grid, but I do live in a fixer upper. I am also an SAHM and I completely agree with you about not moving in until it is slightly inhabitable. We're in a fixer upper, which means we have all the nice things like heat, water and electricity, by the end of the day neither of us want to do any projects, we're just too tired. So, the list grows and grows. We do what we can but it's very hard to combine family time and plastering/painting/plumbing, etc. I'd wait if I were you! Good luck with your decision!!

Well, I have never lived "off the grid" but I do have some advice. Dont leave your nice warm comfy apartment into a "house" that doesnt have electricity,water, or heat. Babies need heat and running water. They dont "need" electricty but living without out it, makes your appreciate having it alot more. How will you eat without a refrigerator? Going out to eat or having to buy groceries by the day is not going to be fun at all and can be VERY costly. I dont know his reasoning for wanting to move in NOW but it isnt what is best for your baby. Why cant he just complete the job and THEN move in. Expecting you and your baby to move into a half built home is crazy. I would just tell him you want to live with him but not until the house is complete(or pretty darn close)It isnt about "sucking it up" and not having a tv for a little while. Heat and hot water and electricty to run the refrigerator are not luxeries(or at least they shouldnt be)
If his reasoning is money, tell him that it will cost alot to buy bottled water for EVERYTHING from bathing to cooking to cleaning things. Food bought daily because you cant store anything that needs to be cold adds up fast. Plus imagine how inconvenient it will be to heat a whole tub full of water to bathe your baby or bathe yourself. Nothing will be done "quickly" and you will have to plan ahead to make sure the grill/fire or whatever you will be cooking with is ready to go to cook something to eat. Its a bad idea all around unless you HAD to. There is no good reason to make ALL those sacrifices(especially for your child) Good luck. I hope he changes his mind.

I think that sounds like a nightmare and would not be fair to your child. I would require electricity, heat and hot water to stay overnight anywhere...let alone live.

i don't live off a grid btu i have lived in a ho;use under reconstruction. It is very didficult btu not impossible to live with construction but you need to be safe adn warm that six month old is going to be difficult to contain in just for walls very shortly.... ie wiring, open staircases etc. all are hazards even for older children. Your baby is going to start being moblie and putting everyhting in it's mouth.....I'd suggest set some goals for completion espicailly if you know you boyfriend needs them. Compromise and make a move in date but certain things need to be completed ie walls heat electricity good luck K.

Hi A.,

You're definitively not asking for too much. You're a concern new mommy, looking after your child's best interest. I think your child will be at risk of getting sick in a place where there's no hot water or electricity etc. I SAY NO. Stay in your apt. untill the house is finish.

FACT...
You do understand that is a fact that men will never be as smart as women ;-) They do not reason the same way. Your motherly instint is telling you DON'T DO IT. I'm sure with time he'll understand. When the house is finally ready for you to move in with your baby, I hope the three of you spent many years very happy together.

Take care,

L. ;-)

Hi A., We were building our house when I got pregnant with my son. Against my protests, we moved into a "mostly finished" house one month before my son was born. Three and a half years later, we're almost done the house. My husband worked on the house much more before we moved in. I'm still waiting for blinds in all but the bedrooms (luckily we live in a wooded area), not a single room is completely finished. I don't like living like this. It is unsettling.

Of course, when you're working on the house, you don't want to hammer, and make noise when the baby's sleeping. With a little one in the house, unless you're really blessed, you don't get as much sleep. Babies are such a cute distraction, that the work slows down whenever they're around.

I recommend giving him goals. Decide what's important to have done before you move in. What can you live with? What would be sore points that would undermine your relationship. It's great that you're being so thoughtful about this and not moving in yet. Good luck.

the place needs to be completely livable before you move into it running water(hot and cold) electricity and heat
also you need floors down too. as far as having all the walls up and things painted that isn't as necessary but personally i don't think it's safe and because i go to the extreme of things i don't think the department of childhood services would approve of the house I would at laeast have her bedroom finished befor eyou move in so she has a safe place to be while you finish the rest of the place

My partner & I plan to build an off-grid house, possibly in the next year; but I think your concerns are reasonable. It's not safe for a toddler to be in a home with an alternative temporary source of heat- like space heaters. Nor can a child live in Mass without heat in the winter months, it's just not reasonable. Perhaps spend the summer with him & let him know if the house isn't winter ready by November (or whenever the snow starts to fly) you'll be moving out. Maybe that will give him the motivation to get it his a** in gear. Best wishes with the home though, I think it's a great idea & will give you far more security in the long run.

HI A.,
I do not live off the grid but dreamt of it before kids! Now your responsibility is to provide a safe environment for your child! Hygiene,heat,and warmth plus good food will be basic needs for your child! Your boyfriend needs to get his act together and think of the best place for the kid. Where is it safer for your child right now? Take care of yourself and your kid, L. P.

I think my biggest worry would be if he is "slow" at building the house is he going to get other nessesities done on time. Such at getting wood cut/ordered and piled. If you are planning a garden is it going to be tilled and in on time and weeds pulled and harvested. Living off the grid id much harder work than I think people realize. But the Amish seem to do well but they have a system of neighbors who help as well. I'm not saying it's crazy, it's just alot of work. As for your child being okay just think of the people who settled this counry they had lots of kids and they grew up to be fine.

I had my daughter 37 years ago, and for her first several years, we lived in an old farmhouse. At first, there was only a well with a bucket on a rope (the previous owner's hand pump had died), an outhouse, and electricity brought in to a panel in the basement, but no real wiring. Heat was uneven - the bank required a furnace to be installed, but we often couldn't afford the oil, so we used wood stoves and space heaters, and the upstairs had no heat at all.

Now, here's the surprise: I found that my daughter thought nothing of living at those temperatures, wearing much fewer clothes than most grownups would have thought essential. I had resolved not to be one of those parents who tell the kid it's time to put on a sweater. I figured that as soon as she was able to dress herself, she could decide what she needed, and put it on. She turned out to be a very capable, cheerful person, and incidentally, no oftener sick than anybody else we knew.

At about that time, we happened to meet a family living in a large, high-style new house. The wife showed me their finished basement, where their young sons could ride their tricycles. She said, "I told my husband, I absolutely MUST have this basement, if you expect me to live here with two little kids!" It struck me that she couldn't picture the kids being able to entertain themselves outside, and couldn't imagine herself succeeding in conditions that the human race has dealt with from the very beginning until only a very few generations ago.

You will be fine! And the progress of the new place, as you all make it into the home that you really want, will provide you with endless satisfaction and entertainment, if you decide to look at it that way.

My opinion on this is simple, you need to do what is "safe & healthy" for your child!!! Yes it would be wonderful if you all could live together 24/7 but would you be happy? If you are not happy, will your child be happy? If your boyfriend is ok with living like that then let him, If I were you I would stay where I was until the home was complete, maybe he will move a little faster if he knows you & the baby will not move in until it is finished.

Kim

I cannot relate to this at all; however raising a child is hard enough in a house with running water, heat etc. Stay put until he gets the house completed. That'll give him the incentive to move things along faster.

I agree with you - it's just not safe to have a baby in a house or actually, a frame like that.. warmth, cooked food, warm water, a phone, there are a lot of things - animals can get into the house, she could get hurt once she starts to crawl around.. you would think that having a child and wanting that child under your roof would be in the incentive to finishing at least part of the house so you could be together.. good luck.. I'd stay put!